Martha Stewart Disease

[SoCalDem]

by Donna Lypchuk


Early Warning Signs:

~ You have an obsession with hanging swags of brightly colored fabric from curtain rods.

~ Every shoebox & empty tin can has been decoupaged with flowers cut from old wrapping paper.


~ You have glass jars filled with dried rose petals everywhere.

~ There are pots & pots of herbs on your windowsill, & each is painstakingly labeled- along with a hand-drawn picture of the herb.

~ You've made a doormat with a sunflower design on it out of old bottle caps.

Definite Symptoms:

~ You polish every lettuce leaf with a clean white cloth before you put it in the bowl.

~ You save snowballs from last winter in your freezer, in case you need them to create an ice sculpture in a hurry.

~ You've made wind chimes out of old coconut shells.

~ Your hedges have been pruned to resemble chess pieces.

~ Your salads consist mainly of nasturtiums & pansies.

~ Every chunk of cheese on your cheese tray comes with a toothpick & a little flag labeled with the cheese's country of origin.

~ You hoard cookie cutters of a sizes, shapes, & colors in a kitchen drawer & nobody is allowed to touch them.

~ You insist on using ostrich eggs for the annual easter-egg hunt.

~ You put rouge on your children's cheeks so they'll look all fresh & rosy when company comes over.

Actue Case Symptoms:

~ All of the grass in your front yard is braided.

~ You serve entrees in a real birds nest you found in a nearby forest.

~ You make your own jell-o from calves' hooves, rather than buy the powdered stuff.

~ Each & every flower in the back yard is wrapped in raffia.

~ You serve wine to your guests in conch shells.

~ You've smeared your walls with yogurt so that over time, a natual-looking greenish mold will grow- giving your home the fashionably distressed look of an ancient greek temple.

~ You dress all of your children in white chiffon dresses & straw sun hats with satin ribbons, & haven't fed them in days in case they they grow into an awkward, gangly phase.

~ You've macrama'ed yourself a computer cozy. "It's a Good Thing!"

~ Before you go to bed, you spend hours on your farm putting the wool on your sheeps bodies into curlers, so they will look more fluffy & glamorous than the neighbor's.

~ You sleep outside the house, in a tent, so you don't spoil your perfectly made bed.

The Cure For Martha Stewart Disease:

Remedy # 1: Tie the afflicted woman in a chair & brace her head with slabs of plywood so that she is unable to move her head. Force her to look at a painting of dogs playing poker for one hour on the first day, two the second day, three the third day & so on...

Remedy # 2: Buy her a one-way ticket to Bosnia, Bangladesh, or any third world country so she can appreciate the real meaning of "lifestyle"!

[NNadir]

1. I think I'm preternaturally immune.

I live in uncontrolled clutter.