Post a lousy joke

[jpgray]

What's the most homicidal geographical object?

Mt. Kill-a-man-jaro.

[aclog]

1. From the airport shuttle bus in Honolulu

How did Diamond Head get its name?

People use to sell lettuce there for Dime-a-head

I think there was a follow up involving another sort of "head" but our bus driver was mumbling so I'm not sure

[sarge43]

29. Groaner alert

Sam Clam and Larry Lobster were good friends. Both were killed in a tidal pool disaster. Larry was a good guy, so he went to heaven; Sam, not so good, went to hell. When Larry arrives in heaven, St Pete tells him he was such a good guy that he'll be granted one wish. Larry misses Sam, so he says he'd like to visit him even through he's in hell. So, Pete says "Cool" and sent him on his way. When Larry arrives in hell, he finds out that Sam is running a disco. The two buddies spend the day together, then Larry goes back to heaven. When he arrives at the gates, St Pete says, "Larry, did you forget something?" Larry slaps claw to forehead, "Oh my, I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

[Ariana Celeste]

2. Ask me if I'm a carpenter.

(Are you a carpenter?)

No.





..... dunno where it came from but I still lmao at the reactions I get from it.

[jpgray]

5. I like that one

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

'Ell if I know

(kinda have to say that one aloud)

[4morewars]

60. I love that one !

For some reason it's really funny if everyone's drunk !

:toast:

[JVS]

3. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buck-an-ear!

[jpgray]

7. ...

:thumbsup:

[ohiosmith]

4. Say "knock knock".

[DS1]

8. who's there

:D

[trof]

Oh no ya don't.

;-)

[jpgray]

9. Knock knock

You should never do this to a friend.

[aclog]

10. is this an interactive joke?

knock knock

[ohiosmith]

11. Who's there?

[jpgray]

13. Euripides

[alarcojon]

55. Eumenides?

[JVS]

14. Joe

[aclog]

15. ask DS1 its his lousy joke

[Oeditpus Rex]

6. Lousy Donald Rumsfeld is giving the lousy president

his lousy daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 lousy Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the lousy President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His lousy staff sits stunned at this lousy display of lousy emotion, nervously watching as the lousy President sits, lousy head in lousy hands.

Finally, the lousy President looks up and asks, "How many is a lousy brazillion?"

[jpgray]

12. I hope you copied and pasted

No one but David Brooks should write lousy that often.

[JVS]

16. knock knock

[jpgray]

18. 'sthere?

[JVS]

21. The fed's. open up. you're going to gitmo

[jpgray]

22. Gitmo who?

Gitmo apples, I'm sick of saying banana.

[JVS]

23. *pistol-whips Jpgray*

[jpgray]

25. Look what you G-men did to my name

This must be a capital offense.

[JVS]

28. *snicker*

[ohiosmith]

19. No Solicitors

Or Barristers for that matter.

[Shine]

17. Q: Why did the stop light turn red?

A: You'd be red too, if you had to change in front of everyone. :blush:

(courtesy of my third grader)
:hi:

[jpgray]

20. That's too good for this thread

Post it in GD; it'll be on the Greatest page in no time.

[Shine]

26. Here's another funny one:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit together in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit rolls his eyes :eyes: and says, "No, of COURSE not!"
and with that, the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

:evilgrin:

[Popol Vuh]

24. Ok, there were these four nuns who sinned

So they go back to the church and tell the father that they have sinned. So the father asks the first nun "Ok what did you do?" The first nun, very embarrassed, replies, father I looked at a cock. The father is shocked!..he looks around and sees the holy water thing and tells the nun to go over there and wash out her eyes.

Now the father collects his composure and asks the second nun "Ok what did you do?" The second nun, also very embarrassed, replies, father I had my hand on a cock. The father is even more shocked!!!...he tells the second nun to go wash her hands in the holy water.

Now at this time, the fourth nun jumps in front of the third nun and says "Father can I go over there and out my mouth before she has to wash out her ass?


:evilgrin:

[JVS]

35. That's a great joke!

[jpgray]

36. Yeah, Popol Vuh isn't playing fair

And I'd say that's characteristic of a Mayan myth. x(

[Popol Vuh]

37. Hehe Thanks guys

I wish I could remember more of the great jokes I hear down on the waterfront (at work).

:toast:

[ohiosmith]

27. Two girl ostriches are being followed by two guy ostriches.

One of the girl ostriches says "those guys look up to no good". The other one says "we better get out of here", and they both stick there heads in the sand. The two guy ostriches walk up behind them, look around, and say "where did they go".

[KFC]

30. What did the dog say when he sat on a corncob?

Rough! Rough!

[Popol Vuh]

31. LMAO

:spray:

[jpgray]

32. A scientist has created an exact duplicate clone of himself

He sends the clone to work, with the idea of relaxing and collecting the income. But the clone is obnoxious and combative--he yells expletives at everyone, gropes the women (and not a few of the men), and takes a shit on the CEO's desk when he comes up for review as a result of his behavior. Finally the scientist surprises his clone at work and pushes him out the 37th floor window--the duplicate falls to his death. The police come to arrest the scientist, but he's confident--"What are you gonna arrest me for? Killing a clone of myself that I created?" The cops mutter among themselves, but eventually slap the cuffs on him. The scientist is put away on the charge of making an obscene clone fall.

[Ptah]

33. How do you tell if it's dogwood?

By its bark.

[B Calm]

65. What did one wall say to the other?

Meet you in the corner!!

[Popol Vuh]

34. Some blond girls were driving to Disneyland

And when they saw a sign on the freeway that said "Disneyland Left". They turned around and went back home.

[B Calm]

64. Ha ha

[NMDemDist2]

38. why are babies so fragile?

cuz they're made with only one screw

This joke was told to me in a small town bowling alley by a cherubic 7-8 year old blond girl child, which added greatly to it's impact :rofl:

[jpgray]

40. Shouldn't that be "made" with one screw?

That would have been the greatest joke ever when I was seven. It's still pretty good. :P

[NMDemDist2]

41. edited to you version

it was many years ago .......

[name not needed]

39. What do you call a Rwandan rolling down a hill?

Tutsi Roll!

[jpgray]

42. You sir are enjoyed

:thumbsup:

What part of Africa shakes the most?

Djibouti.

[BlueJazz]

43. What is the name of "Super Chicken's" alter Ego??

Cluck Kent

[struggle4progress]

44. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they want to ..

.. hear at their own funerals. The priest says, "I want them to say 'He was a saintly man.'" The minister says, "I want them to say 'He was a man of deep faith.'" The rabbi says, "I want them to say 'Look! He's moving his feet!'"

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

45. Parrot Joke!

Guy goes to a pet store and buys a talking parrot and brings it home. Problem is, the parrot is the most foul-mouthed creature ever created. It does nothing but hurl obscenities at anybody in the room. His wife, his kids, his mother. Finally the guy can't take it anymore and he grabs the parrot out of the cage and throws it into the freezer. From inside the freezer comes the most blood-curdling stream of epithets you've ever heard.

Then suddenly it gets completely quiet.

The guy hears a gentle rapping inside the freezer door, so he opens it up. The parrot sticks its head out and says, "If I've said or done anything to cause any inconvenience to you or your lovely family, please accept my sincerest apologies."

The guy is shocked, but says, "Apology accepted."

Then the parrot motions over his shoulder and says, "Now, just out of curiousity. What did the chicken do?"

[B Calm]

46. Boss & his Secretary

The boss stood up to leave his secretary’s office. She says, your barracks door is open. He turns red and zips up his fly. After returning to his office, he thinks to himself, every damn time I see her, she has some smart ass remark to embarrass me. So after a little thought he marches back into her office. He says, just a little bit ago when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you notice the little soldier standing at attention?

She replies, oh hell no, the only thing I seen was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

[Chemical Bill]

47. What do they give every Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before selling it?

Two test tickles.

(Is this old enough?)

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

48. A man walks into a bar

and says "Ouch!"

[B Calm]

49. An engineering student joke.. (funny)

An engineering student was riding his new bicycle around campus. He stopped to talk to a friend who was another engineering student. His friend asks, where did you get the new bicycle? He replies, oh you’ll never believe it. Yesterday this beautiful blond came up to me riding this new bicycle. She jumped off her bicycle, took off all her clothes, and says to me, take whatever you want. So I took the bicycle. His friend replies, good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.

[jpgray]

50. Nice

:D

[SOteric]

51. Did ya hear the one about

the cannibal who passed his brother on the road the other day...?



:hi:

[B Calm]

53. Wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down!

A young man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a
shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? You're weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance
without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea.."

[EstimatedProphet]

52. OK, so there's these two racehorces, see...

And the first horse starts bragging. He says "Damn I'm fast! I can run a quarter mie in 10 seconds."
The second horse says "Is that all you got? I can run a quarter mile in 8 seconds!"
A dog who is eavesdropping says, "Wow, you two sure are fast!"
And the first horse says to the second one, "Hey look! A talking dog!"

[Popol Vuh]

54. 100 yards to the out-house

Written by Willy Makeit, Illustrated by Betty Wont.

:P

[bridgit]

56. dracula sucks...

:rofl:

[Buck Turgidson]

57. What's made of cement and howls at the moon?

A coyote.

I just put the cement in to make it hard.

[NFL80]

58. the golden phone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.



The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Kalispell MT. Upon entering a church in this Northern area of MT, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied,
"Son, you're in Montana now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."

[Fox Mulder]

59. Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field.

:rofl:

[grateful581]

61. What's a practical nurse?

One who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

[Mobius]

62. Im afraid everyone will hate me if I do.

:cry:

[B Calm]

63. How Smart is Your Right Foot?

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so ......And there's nothing you can do about it!

[ronnykmarshall]

66. This lady is on a NYC bus ......

and she starts to get a horrible headace. She reaches in her purse to get hers asprins (pronounced "assburns") and they are gone!

She starts yelling "My assburns! My assburns!".

The bus driver from the bronxs yells back ..... "Stick it out da' winda and let it cool off!".

[terrya]

67. Take my wife...please.

Henny Youngman was a very unfunny comedian.

[baldguy]

68. a lousy joke

nobody's laughing

[cfield]

69. I've got two

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"








After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."