Post your Ole and Lena jokes here:

[Richardo]

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up dere?"

[jeff30997]

1. Hehehe.

Never heard of Ole and Lena jokes(French Canadian here)but this one made me smile.

[Richardo]

2. Ole and Lena got married.

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth. :)

[JVS]

7. Perhaps you'd like to start a thread of French-canadian humor?

[XNASA]

3. Ole was fixing a door ......

.....and he found that he needed a new hinge so he sent Lena to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Lena saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Sven to finish waiting on a customer.

When Sven finally waited on Lena she asked how much for the teapot?

Sven replied "That is silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness tas lotsa money!" Lena exclaimed.

She then proceeded to described the hinge that Ole had sent her to buy and Sven went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Sven yelled " Lena voud you vant a screw for dah hinge?'

To which Lena replied "No, but I vill for da teapot."

[FuzzySlippers]

4. Okey doke.

Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."
"Vhy's dat?" Ole asked.
"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."
Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da jokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"

[Richardo]

5. Ole and Lena were on their very first train ride.

They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No, " replied Lena.
"Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

[JVS]

6. Uffda!

[BikeWriter]

8. It seems that Ole was sitting in a bar with his best friend, Sven.

It seems that Ole was sitting in a bar with his best friend, Sven. "I chust don't know," Ole complained. "I come home and Lena don't have my dinner ready. Seems to me a man ought to be able to have a hot meal when he comes from work. It ain't right, you know."

"Oh," Sven said, "I had a problem like that. I would come home and the house would be messy. I told my wife, "From now on, I expect the house to be clean when I get home!"

"And vot happened?" Ole inquired.

"The first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. The third day, I see that the house is clean as a whistle."

"Wow! Chust like that!?"

"Yeah, just like that. I wear the pants in my family."

"By golly, I vill try that myself!" exclaimed Ole.

A couple of weeks later Ole runs into Sven, and Sven says, "So what happened, Ole? Did you tell your wife you expected dinner on the table when you get home?"

"You betcha," said Ole. "Chust like you said. I told her what's what."

"So what happened?" Sven asked.

"Oh, pretty much like with you. The first day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The second day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The third day, I come home, I can maybe see just a little bit out of my left eye."

[RevCheesehead]

9. Lena comes back home from a day in town.

"Anything new?" asked Ole.

"Ya. I saw Lars, and he got a new car for his wife."

Ole sits quietly for a minute, then says "dats a good trade, der."

[lizziegrace]

10. Ole and Lena were watching the local weather forecast

one winter evening, and the weather man said it was going to snow at least eight inches. He also said that, to facilitiate snow removal, the mayor was directing that people park their cars on the even-numbered side of the street. So Ole went out and moved his car to the even-numbered side of the street.The next night, the weather man said that citizens were to park their cars on the odd-numbered side of the street so that the rest of the snow could be removed. So Ole dutifully moved his car to the odd-numbered side of the street.A few days later, another blizzard was forecast, and the weather man again directed citizens to park their cars on the even-numbered side of the street. Ole sighed, and said he was just too tired to go move the car."Oh, Ole," Lena said. "I have an idea. This time, just close the garage door and maybe they won't see our car."

[lizziegrace]

11. Ole and Sven go to the beach.

Sven says, "Hey der Ole, none of da girls are lookin' at me. How am I gonna find a gud wife?"

Ole says, "Sven, put this potato in yer svimsuit and da girls will go crazy over yer."

Sven does as he's told but the girls are even more repulsed by Sven than they were before (if that was possible). Sven is confused and more than a little sunburnt when he says...

"Ole, I put da potato in my svimsuit and da girls are running from me faster than da sprint to da outhouse after lutefisk dinner!"

Ole looks over at Sven with a look of distain reserved solely for the Scandanavian and he says, "Uff da Ole! Ya need ta put da potato in the front of yer svimsuit...not da back."

[BikeWriter]

15. Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota...

Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.

"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."

Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride."

Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.

After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."

"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster."

Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.

After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. "Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."

"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."

"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay."

[BikeWriter]

12. All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his Grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January. You were born in July..."

[eyepaddle]

13. I saw that one coming

a MIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE away! :D

[BikeWriter]

20. A friend is a tug boat Captain. He says a few years ago...

they were on the upper reaches of the rivers in the area we're discussing. One of his crewmen was on the leading barge they were pushing. The crewman radioed him and said he'd seen a beautiful farm girl appear suddenly on the bank out of the fog.
The crewman described her as being a tall blonde and very strong. The Captain asked how he could tell the girl was strong. "She has a snowmobile under each arm!" The crewman replied.

[blockhead]

14. Ole and Lena go to a party. After a few hours, Ole can't find

Lena anywhere so he goes upstairs to look. He opens a bedroom door and sees Lars having sex with Lena. A little surprised, he closes the door and starts laughing uncontrollably in the hallway. Just then,Sven walks by and asks"what's so funny Ole"? Ole says "oh Sven, Lars is so drunk, he thinks he's me"!

[blockhead]

16. Ole and Lena just got married

and they were driving to go to their honeymoon. Well, one thing led to another and soon they were having sex after pulling over to the side of the road. After about ten minutes, Lena starts having a seizure. Just then, a cop stops to see what is happening. The cop says "whats wrong with her"? Ole relpies, "I don't know, I think her cummers stuck".

[never cry wolf]

17. Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow ...

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow ...
... and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non Scandhoovians out there).

He drives to the Nordakota farm and looks over the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls.. the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take her home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?" Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah dats right. but, how did you know?

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

18. Ole and Lena are having an argument.

They're really PO'd at each other on account of, among other things, their lousy sex life.

Finally Ole says to Lena: "Lena, ven you're dead and gone I'm gonna put up a gravestone. And it's gonna say, 'Here lies Lena. Cold as ever.'"

And Lena replies, "Oh, yeah, Vell, ven YOU'RE dead and gone I'm gonna put up YOUR gravestone. And it's gonna say, 'Here lies Ole. Hard at last.'"

[Dave Reynolds]

19. Lena meets one of Ole's coworkers for the first time,

the coworker says "Gosh Lena, you're look strong enough to play with the Green Bay Packers!"

Lena replies "No, I only play with Ole's packer."

[eyepaddle]

21. ja sure you betcha

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

22. Sven and Ole Go Hunting...

On the opening day of deer season, Ole and Sven went hunting together. Sure enough, as was bound to happen with Ole and Sven in the same swamp with guns, Ole accidently shot Sven. So Ole jumps into the truck, drives down to the nearest bar and calls the ambulance. Soon, the police, game wardens, fire trucks, EMTs and the ambulance all show up at the scene of the tragedy. The EMTs work frantically on Sven while Ole watches worriedly from a distance.

Finally, one of the paramedics comes over to Ole. "I'm sorry," he says, "We did everything we could. We just couldn't save him."

"OH NO!", cries Ole. "My only brudder! Vat vill I do? I'm so sorry, Sven! Vat could I have done to save you?"

"Well," says the EMT, "It would've helped if you hadn't gutted him out."