Ever have nightmares that you're back with an ex spouse or bf/gf?

[liberalhistorian]

We've all been in relationships, or even marriages, that were disasters and that we were so happy to finally end. Or we've been in relationships/marriages that, in retrospect, we wonder what the hell we were even thinking getting involved with that particular person.

I've never been married, but I've had relationships like that. The only good thing about that is that now I know what NOT to look for and now I know the telltale signs soon after meeting someone that will show that it's not a good idea to get involved with them. Too bad we all have to suffer with the bad relationships in order to know what to look for to have the good ones.

There's one relationship in particular that I've always been sooooo glad didn't turn into marriage, as we'd planned. It's been nearly sixteen years since I finally dumped his sorry ass, but I still think of the absolute disaster a marriage would have been. He was my parent's age and had already been married four times, which should have told me something right then and there, but I was too young and dumb to notice. He had enough psychological problems to keep Psychology Today in business for years, which, again, should have told me something. When I finally ended it after four long years, I felt no pain at all, just tremendous relief and freedom. He kept bothering me for a few years afterwards, sometimes sending two or more letters a day, but finally got the damned message.

So last night I dreamed I was still with him, and it was a horrible dream. I'd dreamed that we'd gotten back together, and I was back in that nightmare where I thought I HAD to stay with him and didn't know how to get out of it even though it was a disaster and I couldn't stand him. Just like it was at the end. It was so real, and I was very glad to wake up! I have dreams like that about once a month, and was wondering if anyone else did? And aren't you so GLAD to wake up!

[LeftyMom]

1. Well, sort of.

I had a sex dream involving my ex-husband. That was slightly wierd since we haven't spoken a civil word in almost seven years. Even in the dream I was confused as to what the hell was going on.

What a waste of a perfectly good sex dream that was. :eyes: I was very relieved to wake up.

[Hugin]

3. Yick... You have my sympathy.

I've heard what occurs in a dream is sometimes the opposite
of how your aware mind perceives events and emotions in the world.

It's some sort of a re-balancing of your mind.

[liberalhistorian]

4. LOL, that would, indeed,

be a waste of a good sex dream! Sometimes I'll have dreams that I'm back with a boyfriend I haven't even talked to in twenty years or so; I've always wondered how and why your mind just takes things from your mental file cabinet like that.

[skygazer]

25. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's done that!

My ex husband is the only person on earth that I can honestly say I hate and would like to see dead. And about a year ago, I had a sex dream about him. I woke up feeling so dirty and gross... :puke:

I don't wish that on anyone but I'm relieved that it's not just me!

[liberalhistorian]

26. No, it's definitely not just you,

I think it's pretty common, just like the "exam" dream where you're in college, it's the end of the semester, and you have tests and work due for classes you've never even been to. Both kinds are so real, it's really amazing.

[ALago1]

43. That is a recurring dream of mine!!!

What does it mean??? I'm always dreaming I'm taking a course and terribly unprepared for a final exam (not even knowing I was in the course in the first place!)

It's funny to hear other people have this sort of dream too...

[skygazer]

45. That's an anxiety dream

At least that's what my understanding is. It means you're stressed about something or you feel you've left something unfinished.

[Hugin]

2. Nope... No recurring romances in my sub-concious...

Naked at school and work is an entirely different story, however. ;)

[no name no slogan]

5. I've had a few

especially during the roughest spots of my divorce. Interestingly enough, they were not about my ex-wife, but about a woman I was with for 3 years in college. Those weren't so bad.

I DID have one about my ex-wife a couple months ago. In it, she was trying to make up with me, and re-establish our relationship. She tried to get physical, but I told her in no uncertain terms was I interested. It was a very big turning point for me, in that I realized that she's lost all emotional control over my life.

[liberalhistorian]

6. Maybe that's one of the reasons

we dream of things like that, to establish or re-establish our control over our emotional lives. You probably dreamed of an ex-girlfriend during your divorce because you were wondering what would have happened had you married her instead.

[Orsino]

7. Once, that I recall.

Most unpleasant, as in my dream I knew who I'm supposed to be married to, but that somehow a wrong turn had been made and my current marriage was somehow out of reach.

It was very good to wake up from that.

[liberalhistorian]

9. I know, they really are unpleasant

for the most part, aren't they? Especially if the relationship was a disaster and you were happy to be free of it. Needless to say, I was very glad to wake up this morning and find that it was just a dream! Kinda like when you dream you're back in college, it's the end of the semester, you have a ton of work due in one day, and you've never even been to the classes. Those are a relief to wake up from as well.

[raccoon]

17. I have that dream about college from time to time.

I call it "the exam dream." Haven't had it in a while, thank goodness.

I don't know which is worse: the ex dream, or the exam dream.

[liberalhistorian]

19. To me, the ex dream

is slightly worse, although I hate the exam dreams, too. They both seem so very real!

[WindRavenX]

8. yup

I always feel gross afterwards...I hate sex dreams with exs x(

[EstimatedProphet]

10. From time to time I did

Used to have nightmares about my ex-wife. They've been gone since I met the Prophetess though...

[Heidi]

11. Same here.

Since Call Me Wesley and I got together, it seems that my life with my ex-husband happened to someone else.

[EstimatedProphet]

13. Well put! That's how I feel

I think that the time with your ex-husband didn't happen to me at all!

[Heidi]

14. Ha!

I wouldn't wish that mind-numbing, fundie-guided 11 years on even my worst enemy, much less someone I like as much as you, my friend. :hug:

[EstimatedProphet]

15. Aw, that's sweet!

As for my ex, you run intellectual circles around her
As does the Prophetess too...
As do most 5 year olds...
Some dogs...
Many forms of bacteria...
Some inanimate objects...

[havocmom]

12. Many dreams of ex over many years. Our relationship in the dreams

has evolved. Used to feel the same hurt, hear the same shit from him. Then I started dreaming of calling him on his shit. Then they evolved to him being in dream but silent. Now, I just laugh when he tries to make amends (He did that once, and I did indeed laugh)

Now, I don't feel the weight of hurt and anger much at all. The baggage has been lightened significantly. Guess you really can work through a lot in dreams. My mom used to say the opposite of love was not hate, but rather indifference. She was on to something.

Our dreams can be a wise voice to ourselves. They can be the tool we use to clean our emotional house.

Sometimes, they might just be mental bubble gum while we sleep. ;)

[liberalhistorian]

18. I think you're exactly right, dreams

really are the mind's way of emotional cleansing and getting things in order emotionally. Especially when it comes to the very emotionally-charged issue of relationships and marriage. I often find that I dream of being stuck back in that bad and disastrous relationship I described whenever I'm under stress or when something new is happening in my life. And I'll often dream of being back in the good relationships I've had when things are going well, especially emotionally.

It sure is a true nightmare, though, when I dream I'm back in that relationship; even after sixteen years, it all comes rushing back like it was yesterday, especially the feeling so unhappy and yet trapped because I truly thought I had to stay in it (what can I say except that I was young and dumb!). And I am soooooo glad to wake up!

[raccoon]

16. I dream sometimes that I'm back with an ex I split up with

years ago. Every time I do, in the dream I'm like, "Oh, NO!" and I'm VERY relieved to wake up and find out it isn't real.

[Radical Activist]

20. Every time I start seeing someone new...

I have nightmares about bad experiences in past relationships. Kind of like a "Worst Greatest Hits" dream. Pretty messed up huh? :)

[liberalhistorian]

21. No, that actually makes a lot of

sense, that's happened to me, too. I think it's our mind's way of reminding us what went wrong and why so that we don't do it again or we don't get involved with the wrong people again.

[Radical Activist]

22. Maybe so.

I always wake up feeling bad and hesitant to continue another relationship.

[liberalhistorian]

47. I think it's just your mind's way of

telling you to be careful and reminding you not to make the same mistakes again.

[bertha katzenengel]

23. Oh, GAWD, yes! Psychotic evil nasty bitch from hell ex-girlfriend.

:scared: They are terrifying.

I'm sorry you have that nightmare. I know how you feel. :hug:

[liberalhistorian]

24. Sounds like you've had some

doozies, hope it's been awhile since you've had to deal with one!

[texanwitch]

27. I have a dream every so often that I am married, never been.

My husband in the dream is blond and tall, nice looking. We seem to get along ok, I often wonder if this is a dream of what's to come or just a dream.

:shrug:

[liberalhistorian]

28. I've never been married, either,

and every once in awhile I'll have this really weird dream where I'm supposed to marry someone I don't even know and will be meeting for the first time at the wedding. I don't want to do it, but for some reason that the dream never makes clear, just like it never makes clear how I actually know him in the first place, I have to go through with it.

I get right up to the edge of the aisle ready to begin, I've just met him about ten minutes before (he's always brunette, never blonde, whatever that means). I'm absolutely panicked, because I really don't want to do this. I just stand there, he's standing there, all proud, with his parents and my parents have just come in and sat down. Finally, I just go up to him and tell him there's no way I can do this, I don't even know him and this is crazy. I feel such relief at that because I'd been having a panic attack. He's really disappointed and upset, though, and tries to convince me to go through with it.

That's usually when I wake up. It's so real that when I do wake up it takes me a few moments to realize that it was just a dream, and am I ever soooooo relieved, lol. Don't know what the hell it's supposed to mean. Panic over marriage, maybe? Who knows.

[texanwitch]

32. What a dream. I do believe dreams have a meaning.

What I don't understand about mine is the guy is always blond, the same guy.

I really don't want to get married, nothing against it.

The dream is always a long one, always very detailed. I am always happy to wake up.

[raccoon]

41. As another never-married, I'd say it was

a wish-fulfillment dream. :-)

[RebelOne]

29. I have had many dreams that I was back with my ex-husband

and he is DEAD. So I guess you could call them nightmares.

[liberalhistorian]

35. Yeah, in that case,

I suppose you certainly could call them that! I hope he died BEFORE the divorce? :evilgrin:

[RebelOne]

40. Unfortunately, he died after the divorce, so whatever

assets he had went to his current wife.

[BlueIris]

30. Yep. Recently, I had one in which I was back with an abusive ex.

In 2001. Broke, unhealthy and without external support. In a town in which I simply would not have qualified for state funding under any circumstances, even if it had occurred to me to try to utilize those resources at the time. What was strange was that my 2006 self knew everything my 2001 self hadn't known. It's just...in the dream, nobody else knew, and they were all treating me like shit/acting like assholes/being evil, etc. I was just trying to live day to day and figure a way out, trying not to let the abusive stuff bother me...I think I finally woke up around May of 2002. Still, it was hell.

[liberalhistorian]

34. Wow, that'd

definitely be one dream I'd be glad to wake up from! It's funny how your mind will suddenly choose something from your memory file cabinet, sometimes years after it's happened and when you don't even think about it anymore. I think those kinds of dreams are partly meant to make us grateful for where we're at and what we have now, which is usually a lot better than what we dreamed about.

[ContraBass Black]

31. no, I dream about watching my ex and her new boyfriend while they're

x(

[liberalhistorian]

33. Ouch!

That definitely has to hurt! I think one of the most painful things to endure about a breakup, besides the obvious, is thinking about, seeing them, or knowing they're with someone else. Except for the disastrous ones where you're happy to be out of it. In those cases, you actually feel sorry for the other person, lol.

[ContraBass Black]

39. I am happy to be out of it.

But I don't pity the newcomer.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. YES

i had a dream a week or so ago that i ran into an ex in SF....such a fucking nightmare

[liberalhistorian]

37. Was it a bad relationship,

or a bad breakup or both? Sometimes when it's just a bad breakup, but the relationship itself was okay, the dreams can be even worse. Why, I don't know, but that's the way it sometimes seems.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

38. it was not a real relationship

and a very weird and melodramatic break up....the person was in my mind because a friend of his has emailed me.....

[supernova]

42. I used to

have nightmares about still being married and what a hell that was. He'd be taunting me and verbally abusing me. I'd wake up feeling like I did then: powerless, emtionally weak, something akin to emotional rape.

Then I'd remember I don't live that life anymore.

But I haven't had that dream in quite a while. It's really great to be free. :-)

[liberalhistorian]

44. I'm glad you're free from

that, too! Such dreams are so real that you really do feel everything you felt at the time you were with the person, no matter how long it's been since you were actually with them.

[datasuspect]

46. abusers like that are vile

the manipulation, the way they make isolating you from all the people that matter to you a fucking project. and then your affiliation with them turns your closest friends and sometimes family against you.

i know a woman who routinely gets involved with abusive types. i hate seeing someone i care about walking around wounded, flat, emotionally dead . . . and then DEFEND the motherfucker who makes a project of humiliating and controlling another human being.

i have no tolerance for that shit.

[liberalhistorian]

48. I don't have any tolerance for that, either,

and what's disturbing to me is that I'm losing tolerance for women who put up with that shit, especially those who actually defend the fucker and claim THEY are at fault, and ESPECIALLY those who have children who are witnessing the abuse or who are also being abused and who STILL stay with and even defend him. I know I need to be caring and concerned and non-judgmental, and I am, but holy shit, is it getting harder and harder to do.

[datasuspect]

49. the case of the victim can be frustrating

especially when they are locked into the abuser, that's not what i meant by intolerable.

the abuser (their actions, their lack of value as humans) who sets the cycle is what i can't stand.

[liberalhistorian]

50. Thank God we live in a time

when we have far more freedom to get away from people like that, both men and women (I've known abusive women as well). Used to be that people, mostly women but some men as well, would just have to put up and shut up and couldn't even talk about it. I think I'd rather die than go through that, with no way out.

My stepdad's father was very abusive to the family, both physically and emotionally (no one cried or even cared at his death, that's what's really sad, even though he brought it on himself). My stepdad, who was the oldest, said that when he was about ten years old, his mother went to a lawyer and was going to leave his father. But she was second-generation Eastern European, with no job skills or experience, and it was made crystal clear to her by her family, friends and the community that she would be ostracized without much chance for a life if she went through with it; remember, this was the mid-1950's.

So she continued to suffer with the fucker until the day she died thirty three years later. He lived another ten years after that. We always hoped she'd survive him, since she would finally have had a decent life free from fear and would actually have been able to enjoy herself somewhat. And you could multiply her story by the hundreds of thousands.

And you wonder why some people are so afraid of marriage!

[yellowdogintexas]

51. Boy, have I !! it is a relief to know I am not the only one !!

Seriously.

I have been married to my second husband for 23 years, and we are still having fun, most of the time. We raised a fabulous daughter who still likes to hang out with us.

Before I married him, I was married for almost 13 years to another guy. I STILL have nightmares that I am either still married to him and can't get out of the marriage so I can get on with my life, or be with my current husband or whatever. OR that I am about to marry him AGAIN for what reason I don't know, but for some reason I have to and I usually wake up in a cold sweat after one of these dreams.


that felt good.

I just hope his second wife is happier with him than I was. I have not seen him since about 3 months before I remarried.

Sometimes I dream I am getting married to this guy I grew up with who may have been the most boring human I ever met in my entire life, and I have known this guy since I was born. Those panic me almost as much as the exspouse dreams.

[liberalhistorian]

52. I know, they really are

frightening, aren't they? Especially the ones where you feel as trapped as you did in the relationship, when all you want is to get OUT! And yikes-dreaming about having to marry him again, that would truly be frightening! I really wonder sometimes what makes our minds do this, especially if we haven't even thought about the person in a long time.