How Do You Respond to Relatives that don't respond to you?

[leftyladyfrommo]

I have a friend who is really having a problem with this. She wants to hear from and see her sons (all of whom live in town) and then she just gets so depressed and angry when they never seem to have time for her.

Anyone else have this problem - and what do you do about it?

[supernova]

1. That's a difficult question

And it might be two sided.

From her side:

It's very difficult. Adult children do have lives. On the other hand, if you live close by, you are obligated to see your mom regularly. Sorry, that's the southerner coming out in me. Doubly so if she is not well, ill, or elderly.

If she is otherwise healthy, outgoing, etc... then arrange a family get together. Literally, get on their schedules. Yes, today people can be that unaware that they don't spend enough time with you. A picnic, a cookout, whatever tickles their fancy. Then, just say, "hey, I'd like to spend more time with you!" Shout it if you have to.

And let me interject here that spending time with family doesn't mean you have to feel obligated to entertain them all the time, heck, just a call to say "we're going to the mall, would you like to come with?" would suffice." Or We're putting together the kids Halloween costumes, we need your help." Or something.

From the adult child's point of view:
There may be hard feelings of which you are unaware and the children feel they have reason to avoid her. Perhaps she is overly critical. Although, all of them? Hard to say. But I wouldn't lay it all at the doorstep of unfeeling kids.


But yeah, I'd go the appointment route first. It's rather sad that single people have to be more proactive than others about spending time with others, but there you go.

Good luck to your friend.

[leftyladyfrommo]

6. Thank you

I think you are very right when you say there are two sides to this. Has to be the case when all the boys aren't really that big on visiting her. And she can really put on the guilt when she wants to.

The last time her son visited she when on and on about how hurtful it is when her children don't remember Mother's Day - it rips her heart out.

And I don't think her son has been back since.

I just feel badly because she is my friend - for better or worse - and it really hurts her feelings when the boys don't visit on a regular basis.

I remember when I was little we always went to visit Grandma on Friday nite. Always. And it was fun for me.

[aclog]

2. I dunno

this problem in reverse sucks too since its always the buttmunch relative you can't stand who is the clingy one

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Nothing but accept that they are the way they are,

and that one cannot change them or force them into a relationship they do not want, or do not care much about.

And who's to say it's the kids fault? Maybe they have legitimate reasons for not wanting to see their mother. Or maybe the mother thinks appropriate visitations is every day, and the kids' four-night-a-week visits are "never seem to have time for her".

Then again, they might just be selfish bastards.

Who knows?

People are who they are.

[leftyladyfrommo]

9. She would be a lot happier if she could just let it go

but she can't. It just isn't her way. And she can be very self-centered and manipulative. I can say that because she is my friend.

She calls and invites the boys over and then they call and cancel - almost always because of health problems.

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. Sounds like they are happy to be free of her

[supernova]

12. Oh my, how sad. I avoid my sister in law

:-(


My sister in law is like this. She is very self-absorbed and has to be the center of attention. She's manipulative, but more than that, she has a dominance fascination which I find appalling. She likes guns, big agressive dog breeds, only impressed with people with important-sounding titles, and money, preferably both. Neither of which she has. She spends way more money than my brother makes teaching at a community college.

And I do in fact avoid her. I see her bascially once a year at Christmas, at our niece's house. Knowing myself and knowing her, any relationship we develop would be toxic to me. She sucks the lifeforce out of me.

I can't do that to myself anymore. And I know it puzzles my brother, whom I love dearly. He's the kindest man on the planet. But their relationship is so codependent, you have to spend time with both. And I really can't do that.

[Atmashine]

4. Eek!

I do that all the time with all my family. I suck. As being part of the problem, I know some tips on how to get relatives to stay in touch.

1) Make food. Invite them over.
2) Call them. Invite yourself over to them.
3) Give them a calendar with extended family birthdays etc, to make them feel guilty for not even
sending a birthday card.
4) Make food. Invite them over. (works really well on males).

My last years New Year Resolution was to be closer to my family. It's not that they're bad, I just always space everyone out who isn't right in front of me. That didn't go so well, so I'll try again this year.

Everything Supernova said posted above is correct. I think the scheduling really helps out, especially for those that space everything out and feel bad about missing out.

[aclog]

7. Did you make enough for one more?

4) Make food. Invite them over. (works really well on males).

[supernova]

10. I'm guilty too

of not realizing that time passes.

If I don't keep myself on some sort of contact schedule with my releatives, it can be more than a month before I realize, "hey, I haven't seen (relative) in forever!"

So, you're not the only one. :hug:

[philosophie_en_rose]

5. My suggestion.

My mom has this problem. I see my mom all of the time, but she gets lonely. She spent her whole life caring for her kids and now they're all grown up. It takes an adjustment to realize that she doesn't have to worry about what we eat; she doesn't have to cook for an army.

In other words, she's free.

I would think that my mom would take the opportunity to do something for herself. Pursue a hobby or take a class or something like that. (Which is my suggestion to your friend).

However, it's not in my mom's nature to stop worrying. As busy as I get, I call my mom at the same time each week and I see her whenever I'm back in my hometown.

On the one hand, your friend has an opportunity. On the other, her kids really should make time for her or at least tell her what the problem is.

[leftyladyfrommo]

8. I call my mother every Friday

She is in a nursing home 2,000 miles away and I can't afford to visit. So I call and talk to her. I don't think she really cares that I don't visit because it disrupts her schedule so much. And at her age that schedule is important to her - she gets really upset if anything changes in her life.

[supernova]

13. Aww, I'm so sorry

you two are so far apart. :hug:

[leftyladyfrommo]

16. We never got on very good. So I think the distance has been

kind of a Godsend. We get along just fine over the phone but we just don't when we are face to face.

[Maine-ah]

14. same problem in my family

I try to make time for my mom, even if it is only a couple of times a month. Our scheduels are quite different from eachother. I do talk to her on the phone several times a week. The real problem is one of my brothers who hasn't called or seen her for a couple of years. He has "issues" with her dating back to childhood that he really needs to just get over, but he also has nothing to do with me or our other brother, and our sister. Most likely (I don't know your friends situation) this could be their problem as well.

My mother drives me nuts, but she's the only one I've got. I tried to talking to my brother, telling him how Mom feels, and basically he doesn't give a shit. I gave up in our situation, and I just try to be there for her as much as I can. One suggestion. If she's the one calling them all the time, maybe she should not call for a couple of weeks or so. My Mom did that to my sister and it freaked her out. Now she calls Mom at least once a week. My sister lives out of state though.

Tell your friend good luck. There is nothing more important than family. Oh, and another thought.... where is Dad? This situation in my family didn't start until after our father died. After he died, our family has never been the same. We used to all see eachother a few times a year, always called ect....and now, maybe once a year for three of us.

[leftyladyfrommo]

15. Dad left a long time ago

and my friend can't get over it or let it go. Its been over 25 years I think. Boy can she hold on to old stuff.

I think she has tried just not calling - and then no one ever calls her back. Weeks go by. And then she really does get in a tizzy.

[supernova]

17. Sounds like she needs therapy

but never got it. Doubly sad.

[Maine-ah]

18. oy, sounds like my mom

even from other posts of yours about her. It sounds to me that some form of therapy is needed, but good luck on getting her into any. I've tried for years to get my mom to see a therapist, and she won't.

She really needs to learn to let go, and so does my Mom.

[leftyladyfrommo]

21. Yea, like anyone is going to talk her into that.

I've never seen anyone suffering from such denial in my life.

I probably just get out of it. Let the family deal with it in their own way.

But I feel badly for her. She just makes herself so miserable.

[undeterred]

19. I don't respond much to my mother and here is why

-My mother is critical of me. She also criticizes other relatives who don't criticize their adult children, like my aunt and uncle. They say wonderful things about their adult children, and guess what, their children like to come and visit them.

-No matter how long I visit, its not long enough. Never mind that I have rented a car to visit her, taken time off work, or spent money I shouldn't have to in order to be there for her birthday or Christmas. What I do give is not appreciated, the emphasis is why don't I give more to her.

-If I stayed in a hotel when I visit she would be insulted, but if I stay at her house I have no privacy and I have to deal with being treated like a child.

-She doesn't visit me. I asked her to visit me after I moved out of state (near enough to come for a visit by bus) and she said NO. In 6 years she has never visited me- she can only deal with me under "her roof".

-She told me once that she hates change. Children change into adults whose lives do not revolve around their parents.

-My father died 14 years ago. She was young and healthy enough to remarry, go back to work, or establish some kind of new social life for herself, but she chose not to. Her children are supposed to fulfill all of her social needs. That is a huge burden to place on one's children.

So, yes there is another side sometimes that other people can't see.

[leftyladyfrommo]

20. I know there is another side here.

But sometimes comeone just has to stand up and be the adult.

When I go visit I stay in a motel instead of with family. I just tell them I would drive them crazy because our time is 2 hours ahead of theirs. I would be up way too early and go to bed way too early.

You can set groundrules. Let her know exactly what you are going to do. Get a motel. Rent a car. Go visit. Take Xanax (that really helps).

I am just afraid that I will be really sorry I didn't make the effort when my mother dies. A couple of days putting up with everyone is not such a big deal in the over all scheme of things. The biggest problem I have is dealing with my own feelings while I am there. I feel really stressed. And I also feel like I have gone back to a place that is full of ghosts. It is hard.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

22. i TOTALLY agree

not being "good enough" for mom makes you want to avoid mom.

[skygazer]

23. My father used to lay this guilt trip on his kids

"None of you ever call me or come to see me," he'd whine when we DID call or stop by. But the truth is, he never picked up the phone to call us and I don't recall him ever coming to my house or to the house of any of my siblings. He pretty much disappeared out of our lives for several years when my mother died, not because of grief but because he was out painting the town with a series of young, air-headed girlfriends.

This may not be the situation in your friend's case. It may be more like my case - I have 3 kids, none of whom live in the area. I hear from them sporadically and I contact them sporadically. That's because we all have lives of our own, jobs, etc. When I do hear from them or call them, I never say, "Why haven't you called?" - I just enjoy the conversation or the visit for what it is.

By allowing herself to get depressed and angry, she's probably just exacerbating the problem. Just my .02.

[Ariana Celeste]

24. My SO avoids one side of his family.

His father. Because he had a bad childhood with the man, and nothing he does is ever good enough. Nevermind that he makes more money, and has a happier life, and isn't dependant on a car or anything else that requires ridiculous amounts of money. Nevermind that he makes enough money that he can support a stay at home woman (that's me ;)). Nevermind all the good things he has and has accomplished; not good enough.

I avoid certain members of my family because they can't seem to get it through their heads that I'm a liberal atheist and don't like getting preached at for everything. Seems they think they can ignore who I am and maybe I'll join their side.

We are also antisocial in a way. We aren't talkers. We don't like to talk about the weather because there's nothing else to talk about. And we don't like people making us feel we are obligated to be something we are not. Doesn't mean we don't love our family any less; we are young, and we need a break from everything to make a life for ourselves, without stress. We have many family members who know this, understand how we are as people, and they are the ones we take calls from, make calls to, and make an effort to be somewhat social with.

Doubt this was helpful, but I got something off my chest, lol. :).


on edit: by stress, I mean, unnecessary stress; there will always be some form of stress- some is good, some necessary, some you can't get away from and must deal with- some however, is completely unnecessary and unneeded.

[Skittles]

25. move thousands of miles away

then there's never any wondering why they don't just "drop by"