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I wrote to a Miss Manners of sorts on the web last night, asking for advice, and got an answer already (answer below):
Subject: Hairstylist lost soon-to-be ex-husband; friend who works there calls to ask for money
Question -
I've been going to my stylist for about 4 years and am friendly with her, but we don't socialize outside the salon.
I got a call at home this evening from the hair salon where I go every four weeks. Apparently, my hairdresser lost her soon-to-be-ex-husband in an automobile accident on Saturday. The person who called is another hairdresser there who has known her for a long time.
The intent of the call, aside from saving me embarassment of asking how things were going the next time I go in, was to solicit money. She said my hairdresser has no insurance (actually, I recall her telling me she did) and has "no money, period." She said the obit that is to appear in tomorrow's paper is going to have a memorial fund set up for the kids, but said the salon is collecting money and if I wanted, I could "write a check and bring it by" and make it out to her (the lady who called). She also mentioned when the viewing and funeral was going to be, if I wanted to attend.
The woman who called said my hairdresser doesn't know she was calling her clients. In fact, she said, my stylist would probably be horrified to know she was doing this as she's very "proud."
Naturally, I feel terribly for my stylist and her family.
I talked to my mom about this (as a sounding board), and she said it was really nervy of the lady to call me, asking for money. It's not, after all, as if my stylist is a friend of mine; I'm a client. My husband said a card is plenty.
I'm inclined to send a card or write a personal note and maybe give a little (what I can) to the kids' fund. I don't feel comfortable writing a check out to the woman who called.
Help! Your advice is very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Answer:
Amanda Gamble Answers -
Dear Valarie,
Yes,of course you feel badly for your stylist,anyone
would in such a circumstance. Your husband is correct,
a note expressing your sympathy is exactly the right
thing to do given your relationship with the woman.
It is a business relationship,not a personal one,as
you say. Even if she were a friend outside of the salon,
you still would not be obligated to do anything more than
express your condolences. Flowers and charitable donations
are nice,but never required.
Now,as to this woman who took it upon herself to call
all of you,I am suspicious. Nothing adds up for me. By
claiming the bereaved would be embarrassed,she's insuring
your silence. No one will bring it up to the stylist and
expose Stylist 2's plan. My alarm bells went off with
'make the check out to me'. Best case scenario Stylist 2
gets the credit for giving so generously,worst case,she
pockets the money herself. You made the check out to her,
odds are low anyone would see that it went where it was
supposed to or pursue legal action if it didn't.( go where
it was supposed to.) I know this is horrible to suspect a
person of wrongdoing,but scam artists look for opportunity.
Funeral homes make a fortune selling items and services to
people in a fragile state,after all. Things they don't
truly need. Alarm bell 3 or 4 is that you recall Stylist 1
saying that she DID have insurance,etc..
NOW. We've established that you won't be writing a check
to Stylist 2 anytime soon. If the nervy one dares to follow
up say 'Yes,you mentioned something about that,thank you.
There was an address in the paper as well. My husband and
I have already done what we thought was appropriate.'
(What you think is appropriate is sending a note and no more.) No lies in that statement but it closes the matter to further discussion with her.
Best regards,
Amanda Gamble
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