Does anyone else think this is odd?

[Dave Reynolds]

One year ago this week, my stepson and his girlfriend had a baby. The baby, Grace, lived for 5 days on a ventilator before dying.

We got a call from him this weekend inviting us to Grace's first birthday party. They were planning on having her urn displayed, and having cake and ice cream.

I appreciate the fact that they still may be grieving, but that seemed a little strange to me.

[KitchenWitch]

1. Yes, very odd!

[Dave Reynolds]

2. Luckily,

we were able to pass on the festivities as we live 4 hours away from them.

It would have creeped me out pretty badly.

[bigwillq]

3. I find that a bit strange

I'm all for doing something to commemorate her birthday but not a "party" with cake and ice cream.
Like you said, they may still be grieving and this may be the only thing that helps them but I still think it's strange.

I wish them the best though. Losing a child has to be awful.

[Dangerously Amused]

4. It does seem strange.

But people grieve in different ways. I know someone who had a miscarriage a few days after the due date. She went to the hospital for a C-section. She had the hospital clean up the body and put a little newborn hat on it and wrap it in a blanket, just like a regular live birth. Then her MIL took photos of the dead baby, one of which she carries around in her wallet.

I try not to judge. But honestly, it creeps me out.


So anyway, are you going to go to the party? What is the etiquette, I wonder. Does one bring gifts for the dead child?

[bigwillq]

6. Wow.

That is even stranger. But who am I to judge. I wonder how I would deal with something like that if it happened to me.

[rbnyc]

10. Heartbreaking.

But I fully understand.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. This is done often. I have footprints on a card from the hospital.

n/t

[rbnyc]

16. Did you ever see the documentary about baby Cosmo...

...who was stillborn, and the family bonded with the baby for several days before saying goodbye?

It was so well done. I'll never forget it. I saw it on PBS about 20 years ago.

[ScreamingMeemie]

19. I remember that...I am of the side that thinks it's important (if the

family chooses) to say goodbye. Even with the one early term loss I had and then the later ones, I had my babies' names recorded in our Church's Book of Life and the Book of Life in NY. I really went around the bend. But I needed to. That is probably the best film I have ever seen. Thanks for reminding me of it. :hug:

[rbnyc]

22. I'm with you on this issue.

But we have very personal reasons for our point of view...and also, we both saw that wonderful documentary.

I googled for it but couldn't find anything.

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. I'm going to look at the library. I remember seeing a rack of PBS

vids there once. I'll let you know. I have also seen some really beautiful web memorials. There is a woman who will paint portraits from stillbirth photography that are just beautiful.

[rbnyc]

31. What a task.

That has to be a calling.

[Redstone]

21. MrsG, footprints are one thing. That, I can understand, and please

allow me to offer my condolences to you and MrG.

But a birthday party?

Redstone

[Dave Reynolds]

44. No, we passed on it,

due to travel distance.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. Now I find this very odd indeed.......

I'm sure they're still grieving, but .....my God! With the urn? Whew....

I can see a little get-together, but NOT a party......

Wonder how it came off? :shrug:

[Dave Reynolds]

45. I hesitate to ask,

I think the kids are pissed that we did not make the drive.

[rbnyc]

7. In order to grieve, they baby has to be made real.

I think maybe, because the baby was with them for such a short time, and never able to come home, they need to build experiences with her, build memories around her, flesh her out--so to speak.

It is a little strange, but one of the most difficult aspects of losing a baby before or soon after birth is that you haven't had time to get to know the baby, and so many people around you don't see the baby as a real person who was lost. Before you can let go, you have to have someone to let go of.

We did some weird stuff when I miscarried, too. For one thing, we names the baby "Crash." Some people around us found this to be really morbid, since I lost the baby in a car accident. But that's what we figured the baby's nick-name would have been, had she lived. Before we lost her, we spent time imagining her...and we all called her Crash.

Naming her was very important to us. In order to say goodbye, we had to have someone to say goodbye to.

[Redstone]

23. That's fair. Everyone should have a name.

The last sentence in your post was quite touching; I can see why you'd want to do what you did. I think I'd want to as well.

Redstone

[rbnyc]

29. Hi Redstone.

Thanks.

It was a hard time, because it was several days after the accident that I lost the baby. I was in the hospital and the doctors were telling me to prepare to miscarry, and the nurses were telling me to keep hoping and that it was possible the baby was still alive.

It had taken us almost 3 years to conceive, so we sided with the nurses...but knew in our hearts.

My son Garrison was conceived before Crash's due date. If Crash had lived, there would be no Garrison. In a small way, we think of Garrison as a gift from Crash.

[Left Is Write]

33. My daughter was conceived similarly.

The due date for the first pregnancy I lost was April 21, 1999. I was about 12 weeks when I lost it. On April 24 - just three days after the due date - I found out I was pregnant with our daughter.

I'm sorry for your loss :hug:

[rbnyc]

35. You too.

Thanks.

I'm so happy we eachhave our beatiful sweeties now.

[uppityperson]

50. Mine also. If I'd had the first, wouldn't have the child I have now.

still, I think of that potential person still, many yrs later.

[Redstone]

38. We take our gifts as we get them, don't we?

We must, after all.

Enjoy your boy.

Redstone

[ScreamingMeemie]

30. ...

she lives on. :loveya:

[rbnyc]

32. I sometimes imagine her as Garrison's guardian angel. (nt)

[Midlodemocrat]

65. A dear friend of mine had twins.

but the girl died during birth and the little boy has a profound case of cerebral palsy.

My friend has a hard time with her son's birthday, because it is also the day her daughter passed.

They visit the grave and my friend says that her son will be sitting in the back of the van chatting, she thought, to himself. She asked him last year what he was doing and he said 'talking with Jennifer'. His twin's name. He told his mom he wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday.

The funny thing is, my friend said it appeared as though he was having a two way conversation. Maybe his sister WAS talking to him. I know my friend wants to think so. She is her son's guardian angel.

[Dave Reynolds]

46. I understand,

and I am sorry about your loss.

We did have a memorial service last winter, with photos and all the gifts that were purchased for the baby shower. I thought that service was the goodbye, but I apparently am mistaken.

[rbnyc]

51. It was part of the goodbye.

You have a wonderful heart. It's just a very difficult situation.

[RetroLounge]

8. I can see them doing this privately as a way to grieve

and with just the two of them, it might even be something I can see myself doing.

but as a birthday party with invites? Yikes.

Very creepy. Besides, what do you bring for a gift?

RL

[huskerlaw]

9. That's seriously

disturbing. I don't know of anyone who throws birthday parties for dead relatives...kids or adults.

A commemorative get-together seems far more appropriate than a full out birthday party. Oy.

[Ariana Celeste]

11. that's so sad

I hope that they can someday move past this. That does sound a bit strange but grief can do that to a person.

[Strong Atheist]

55. Agreed. nt.

[ScreamingMeemie]

12. I'm going to let you in on a secret....I have a box. In that box is the

snowsuit that belongs to my baby Benjamin. He never wore it. He died in utero. Even though I had another baby who could have worn it... That is Benjamin's suit. I rocked it in the chair every night for six months...breathing baby scent that wasn't really there. MrG went out of his mind with worry. Your son is probably doing the best he can to help his girlfriend through what will probably be the most emotionally wrenching time of her life. It takes some of us a long time. Kudos to your stepson, it will get better with time. If it doesn't, gently suggest to your stepson that his girlfriend might want to find a support group or a counselor...that is the only thing that saved me a time when I could just have easily hung myself in the closet. :hug: to you.


~ Laura

[bigwillq]

20. ......

:hug:
That is heartbreaking.
But you've come a long way and you should be proud of that.


Now I sound like an asshole from my posts above.
My mom lost a child so I guess I should've been more sensitive.

[ScreamingMeemie]

28. No you don't.

If it had never happened to me I probably wouldn't feel the way I do. I understand that half my family thought my husband should have had me committed. At times I think perhaps he should have. But, we made it through...and it got worse before it got better. Thanks bigwill. :hug: I'd never nominate you for an ass. or an asshole.

[Redstone]

24. Anyone who's had kids will understand why you did that.

Redstone

[ScreamingMeemie]

40. Thanks Redstone...

I caught a lot of hell for it at the time.

[lumberjack_jeff]

63. Agreed. And before I had kids I would absolutely not have understood.

A new parent is fundamentally and completely invested in their child(ren)

[Left Is Write]

34. ...

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

41. Thanks Left...I can still use those. Whenever I think of him it hurts

he had a reason, I just don't know what it was yet. :hug:

[Dave Reynolds]

47. Thank you MrsG,

for sharing something that must still be painful.

I will probably have his mother suggest counseling, as he takes things better from her.

[ScreamingMeemie]

49. He, and all of you, will be in my thoughts.

It will get better.

[kick-ass-bob]

53. ...

:hug:


Question, if it is not too hard to answer:

Our friend lost her daughter in childbirth (staph infection) and she sent us her picture - a 5x7 that one would normally display. We have her other children in pics around the house. We have not displayed the picture, but if/when she comes to visit (she lives half way across the country) would you think it would be a good idea to put it up somewhere? It has been about 2 years, but she has not coped with it yet, I don't think (she hasn't seen anyone to be able to deal with it.)

Should we have it up already? Only when she comes? Obviously, we would prefer to not have it up, and we have struggled with what to do.

[ScreamingMeemie]

56. I would not put it up. I would just put it in a special box of photographs

that you have. If she asks about it, then you could show her. And she would know that you at least took some care with it. :)

[ET Awful]

60. . . .

:hug: :cry:

[Midlodemocrat]

66. Oh, Mrs. G!

I have tears running down my face reading that. I am so sorry your little Benjamin didn't survive.

I believe you will see him again. :hug:

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

14. I guess the natural question is, how far do they go with this? B-day party

every year forever? Or perhaps if they had a healthy kid they could maybe get over it? Strange.

[miss_american_pie]

15. That level of grief is hard to comprehend

Maybe it's important to them that people don't forget her.

[Redstone]

17. I, uh, share your concern. More than a little strange in my opinion.

Were it my stepson, I'd certainly never utter a phrase like "fucking morbid," but I'd sure be thinking it.

(We had some neighbors who recently went to a "funeral" for a miscarriage. Christ, that concept gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Redstone

[Dave Reynolds]

48. We went to a memorial service,

both at the hospital and then another a couple of weeks later.

There were many photos of the baby, which I understand, but always in the back of my mind was the little fact that all the photos were taken after she had died, and there are no photos of when she was alive.

[AlCzervik]

18. I dunno but i'm really sad for them, they are obviously still grieving

very much.

[Gormy Cuss]

26. It's strange, but so is grieving.

Those poor parents.

[Left Is Write]

27. Without knowing them, I'm not sure I'd classify it as "strange."

If it were me, my family would rightly think it strange, as that would be extremely out of character for me (I tend to keep my grief private and close to the vest).

They may be having trouble getting past the loss, and the anniversary may be very painful for them. Maybe they see this as a way of letting go of some of the hurt. I do know people who mark the anniversaries of similar losses with their own rituals. I would become concerned if their grief seems to be keeping them from living happy lives, but if this is simply a release for them, I wouldn't be too worried.

[Shine]

36. It's actually kind of sad, I think. They're obviously still in pain and

yet want to celebrate her life in the only way they can, by honoring her birthday. It's a way of remembering.....for what is remembered, lives....

I hope they are able to find Peace and Comfort.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

37. Different people grieve in different ways

My stepson and his wife lost their first baby to SIDS. She couldn't bring herself to visit his grave after the burial. They're expecting their third now, but will never forget little Zachy. His ornament adorns their Christmas tree, his pictures are on their walls, and they tell his little brother stories about his "guardian angel". He'll always be alive in their hearts.

There's no explaining it unless you've gone through it. And I think for those who've had a child die in their infancy, there's an understanding that you do what you need to to deal with the loss.

[uppityperson]

39. So sad for them. I hope they find peace in this.

They probably will never forget, and in time it should be easier to handle. Anniversaries of births/deaths are tough times.

[leftofthedial]

42. opening presents might be pretty weird

but cake and ice cream is fine

[Floogeldy]

43. Yes, it is odd.

I more private, dignified remembrance would be more appropriate.

[REP]

52. Indeed

I have seen other people mourn dead children, and it didn't include cake, ice cream and parties. In fact, it didn't require the participation of outsiders at all.

[bertha katzenengel]

54. Who are we to judge other's grief processes?

:shrug:

Best wishes for your stepson and his girlfriend, and you, too, Dave.

[imperialismispasse]

64. I agree with this comment

[China_cat]

57. Not as bad as the parents

who dress up a 3 month miscarriage, take pictures of it, make the other kids hold it for pictures and then post them online.

My sister had a daughter who lived for only a few days. Her biggest grief in all this time has been that nobody else seems to remember Julie but her. This may be your stepson and girlfriend's way of not letting Grace be forgotten.

[khashka]

58. A little odd - but people grieve in different ways

If this helps them deal with their loss, then it's OK.

For example my mom and I talk about my sister all the time. Tell her son about her (he never knew her). But not once in the eleven years since she died has my father ever mentioned her name. We just all grieve in different ways.......

Khash.

[pitohui]

59. yes that is odd

are you by chance expected to give the urn a birthday card...with $$$ in it?

[amitten]

61. Grief knows no rules. If it makes them cope better somehow,

more power to 'em. I feel the same about Cindy Sheehan, and for that matter anyone who has lost a loved one. Criticism should become obsolete in the face of grief.

[skygazer]

62. I think it's more sad than odd

People who have children that live get to have all those precious moments - the birthdays, the first day of school, all the milestones. Those whose child dies never have it and for some, to not mark it is to feel like they are forgetting the existence of that child. The hardest thing to deal with in the case of any death is the thought that the loved one will be forgotten. They're trying to mark a milestone and they're trying to keep a memory alive. I find it touching and sad.

Other people might do it differently but everyone grieves in their own way. For what it's worth, I have my two Boxers in urns in my bedroom and I'm very conscious of their birthdays. I don't have parties but I mark them myself and I have a day of sad reflection then. It's been 5 years since Dixie's death and 3 since Jake's. And those are dogs, admittedly dogs I raised (Jake was born on my lap, Dix was his mom and I picked her out when she was a week old) but not children I gave birth to. I cannot imagine that kind of pain.