My mom's moving into the nursing home this week.

[RevCheesehead]

We had hoped she would recover better from the pneumonia she had a few weeks ago, but it has left her weak and very fragile (she has a chronic lung disease that has put her in heart failure). Today, at a consultation conference, I was told that Mom & Dad have already agreed that she's moving up there sometime this week. This move is permanent.

Then, Dad says that he wants to downsize to a smaller apartment. I told him point blank, "If you're going to need my help for that, then you cannot even think about moving until after Easter."

Shit - things are moving way too quickly. I don't feel sorrow about this move, because she really does need the help. But I somehow feel robbed... that I'm slowly, agonizingly losing my mother, and there's not a damned thing I can do to stop it.

For those of you who have walked this path before, I sure could use any advice you have to offer.

[miss_american_pie]

1. I'm sorry

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

36. thank you.

:hug:

[salin]

2. While I can't offer advice,

I can offer support, prayers, and a lot of hugs :grouphug:

My father's health decline was about eight months. Thankfully he never got beyond the point in the last couple of months that were beyond home, and what my mother (and I on weekends) could do with hospice assistance, and he died at home.

A friend helped her mother 'downsize' and while it was agonizing at first - it was a great relief to her mother when it was done.

I wish you for you strength and love and the ability to take many moments to "be in the now" while with your mother, and while helping your father during the downsizing process. Today I love having some of those moments/memories with my father.

[RevCheesehead]

37. Every moment is precious.

The petty bickering has ceased, and we just love on each other as much as we can.

:hug:

[redwitch]

106. There will be much comfort in that always.

I really don't have words to express to you how I feel here. Both my folks are gone now and I miss them. Comfort in knowing that you got together and just simply loved each other will get you through when they are gone. God bless you in this difficult time, it's hard. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

107. Thanks so much, redwitch.

We're just cherishing each moment. That itself is helpful.

Thanks for your response. :hug:

[lizziegrace]

3. Rev

I'm not there yet. My parents are younger than most. Know that you're in my thoughts.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

38. thank you, friend.

:hug:

[madrchsod]

4. it really is the best thing for her

i know how you feel to come to the realization that your mom is slipping away. i know you will do your best to do everything possible to make her time left on this earth comfortable.
we are robbed of their body but not their love. she will always be alive because death only takes the body and not her soul because she will have left that with you and those who love her.

[RevCheesehead]

39. you know what?

I just said something similar to a church member on Friday, whose father-in-law was dying (he died that night). So I know that your words resonate with truth, and hope. Thank you.

[zanne]

79. My mother's mind is gone, but not her spirit.

In the late stage of Alzheimer's, but when she smiles or laughs or (tries to) sing, I know she's still there. I've found that I can still share moments with her even at this late stage. Talk to your Mom when you're with her, even if eventually it seems that she's not really "there" anymore, because her spirit is.

[Left Is Write]

5. I'm sorry, Rev.

I have no advice, but I do have this for you :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

40. That means a lot to me.

Thank you :hug:

[havocmom]

6. Oh, dear Rev! Sending love & strength

And do take VERY good care of yourself. Too easy to get caught up in it all and not take proper care of yourself. Stressful times call for better self care, allow extra time to get places, too easy to get distracted and have accidents. Carry an extra set of keys, now would be the time they would get locked in somewhere you needed to be (yeah, voice of experience)

Just basically cut yourself some slack, try to lighten your load as much as possible so you have energy to focus on the important stuff.

If you haven't already, sit down with your folks and go through any family pictures you are not clear about. Get names, dates, places and event noted (non acid ink or better still, pencil to make notes on the backs of them or put in a book with notes). The time will be fun going over them together, you will learn a lot, there will be good history to cherish later.

Might see about a little voice recorder, if your mom is strong enough to talk. You could leave it with her (and some extra batteries, maybe the staff could help her with it). That way, she can talk to you when she feels up to it, even if you aren't there for a visit at the time.

Please take care of yourself in all of this. Lots of adjustments. It's hard but it can be a meaningful time too. Cherish what you can. Let the sun hit your face now and then. Savor the little things. Ask for good dreams. Might keep a notebook by the bed. One sometimes gets gifts at night at emotional times.

Be well.

hm

[RevCheesehead]

7. Lots of great suggestions...

I especially love your last paragraph. :hug:

[havocmom]

12. Dreams often are our souls trying to get through the clutter and noise.

Sweet dreams, dear Rev.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

41. It's time to start another dream journal.

You're right - I've learned a lot from praying over my dreams. :hug:

[Redstone]

25. Good advice, havocmom. Especially about the pictures and the

voice recorder. Everyone should heed your advice on those two, because the memories are so easily lost.

Redstone

[havocmom]

27. One of my best days with my mom was during a blizzard

No where to go, nobody dropping by.. sweet, peaceful quiet. We did the pictures then I did her hair. No stress, so sweet. And she was not near her end at the time.

When she did pass, ten years ago this month, all I wanted were her playing cards, for the hours we spent together with them, and the albums we made together that snowy day.

Havocpup has possession of the albums now. Everybody knows where they are. She is an artist and I think it is good for her to look upon some of the faces she came from.

And a bit of tape with a voice... a whisper from yesterday, ah, it can bring smiles even through tears.

So much of what we scurry around for really means so little. If I teach anything, hope it is to take the time to be present, to hold, for just a moment, what is important and connects us beyond our petty differences. The generations will be richer if there is connection.

The connection is worth saving.

[u4ic]

8. I'm so sorry

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

43. thank you

:hug:

[Shine]

9. I am sending you big hugs and all my best wishes to your family

for peace and comfort during this time of change.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

44. thank you, friend

:hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

10. Rev, remember that they are still your parents who love you dearly.

I had the move-too-quickly scenario and a good nursing home was a blessing. You can't do anything about the timing of losing her, but make the time to cherish her while you still can. This transition is normal in life and making the best of it is hard but after the fact you will cherish these last months/years. I had so many graces in the months prior to and just after my mother's passing. Mine was strong willed and feisty to the end.:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

45. "so many graces"

So very true.

A while back, I confessed to my brother that even though our parents aren't afraid to die, that I am terrified - not knowing how on earth I will be able to survive it, emotionally. He very quietly said "Grace will be given."

:hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

73. an added thought

I responded quickly and in reading my post I realized I didn't explain my statement about your parents and love. Parents guide us through many transitions in our lives because they love us so deeply. We in turn, should be honored to guide them through the end of life.
Peace to you Rev.
:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

74. that's beautiful - and exactly what I pray will happen.

Dad and I have already had a good talk this morning about everything. He's just praying that he will outlive her.

[haydukelives]

11. All I can say is

I work in longterm care, they will take good care of her.

[RevCheesehead]

16. god bless you and the work you do.

You are one of my heroes. :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

13. I'm sorry, Rev

For how you're feeling. A suggestion I would have is to see if you can resolve anything that might still be hanging out there between you and your mom. If there is nothing, then just let her know, in spoken and unspoken words that you love her.

I was fortunate in that I had time to resolve things with my dad before he died. We had had a stormy relationship, a love/hate kind of thing, and I was able, a few months before he passed, to talk to him straight out about how I felt. He had a wonderful talk one night, and so many things were resolved in that talk. I consider it one of the greatest blessings of my life.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

48. we've had a great relationship.

No unresolved issues that either of us are aware of. And we constantly take the time to say "I love you," never knowing when that might be the last time we hear it.

I'm so glad you and your dad could find peace. :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

57. That's wonderful, Rev

:hug:

[Metta]

14. Tough break.

My mom just turned 80 and spent the past year recovering from something she didn't take care of earlier. In any case, there's something you can do to maintain contact with her, at will, in a way that avoids cognition, ego, posturing, the area of opposites, etc.

If you mentally of vocally say you want to be where she is, you'll go right there. You may see/ feel/ sense/all light or/and presence. I'd be surprised if you don't get anything especially in a quiet setting. Once you make contact, you have a marvelous window to have any and all conversations you ever wanted or to just be and let both of your emotions flow freely between you. Focusing on/watching the emotions fuels the interactions. Initially, you may get lots of flurry. That'l settle down and so will the two of you. ... always available. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you get.

[RevCheesehead]

49. I think we probably need more quiet time together.

Recently, we attended a memorial service together. I got in late, and they were sitting in the back, mom in her scooter/chair. I sat on the floor next to her, and just laid my head in her lap. It was quiet and unobtrusive, and so very intimate.

Those are the kind of memories I want to build.

[Redstone]

15. Advice? None. Sympathy? All you need.

You're having one of those transitional moments we all dread having to face, Rev.

You can only do the best you can do, and - listen to me, please - do NOT ever feel guilty, or punish yourself with any notion that you could have, should have, ought to have been able to do anything better for anyone than you have done and are doing. I have not the slightest doubt that you're doing the level best you can for your parents, so don't you have any doubts, OK?

We can only do the best we can do. Remember that.

Redstone

[lizziegrace]

19. Wow Redstone

My gram told me that over and over. She was over 3 hours away and I got there when I could. She knew how guilty I felt and would tell me "All you can do is the best you can do. Don't beat yourself up."

It gets me through some tough days.

Hope it helps you too, Rev.

:hug:

[Redstone]

20. LG, you doing OK? When's that move going to happen?

Redstone

[lizziegrace]

21. I'll PM you n/t

[RevCheesehead]

31. Some of the job stress is beginning to show.

But I let them know that my parents come first, no matter what. At the time, they were all in agreement. Now, we'll have to wait and see how it plays out. (I did get rid of a major agitator today)

[Maddy McCall]

17. Is the nursing home in your hometown?

Check in frequently. Stay in good repoire with the nursing assistants, but let them know that you are there and you are watching. Ask questions. Have them give you your mom's daily schedule. How often will she be bathed? What kind of activities are planned and can you attend with your mom? Ask if you can bring mom out once in awhile, to eat, to attend family gatherings, whatever.

Let the nursing assistants and staff know that you or another family member will be there EVERY DAY to visit with your mom, which means to CHECK ON your mom.

If you do this, your mother will receive adequate care. Even then, you'll have to stay on the ball so that they know that you stand behind your words.

Be sure that your dad can visit as often as he likes.

It is a big change, but it can be handled in a fashion that minimizes the impact on all of you.

My grandmother lived in a nursing home for six years before her death last April, and I know that she was cared for, because a member of my family was in that nursing home EVERY DAY to SEE that she was cared for. The patients who are most often neglected by staff are the ones who have no family members nearby to see that they receive proper care.

Now, having said that, I give you giant hugs and warm wishes that this will work out. :hug: It's a big transistion. I hope it goes ok.

(About Dad moving to a new apartment, well that' something for which I have no advice. I'm such a packrat, I'd be the last person in the world to offer advice on that. :-) )

[RevCheesehead]

29. It's a part of their apartment complex.

Dad's right here, and they have their meals together.

Unfortunately, I am 3 hours away, so there are some limits as to what I can do for them. But that's why they moved to this place - they're here for the rest of their lives, even if they run out of money.

She's also under hospice care. Those are remarkable people.

[Maddy McCall]

30. That sounds WONDERFUL.

What great arrangements, that she can see your father everyday. Your situation is completely different than the one we faced with my grandmother. It sounds like your mother has a good situation and that this move won't be a huge shock to her. Your dad will be making sure that she's cared for, so that's the main thing taken care of that I would advise.

[LoveMyCali]

54. Hospice people

are indeed remarkable. Remember that they are there for you too and don't be afraid to talk to someone if you have concerns about your mother's care or especially talk to someone about your fears of losing her. i was so fortunate to have a wonderful spiritual counselor from hospice when my mom was in her final days and as much as you know that what you are feeling is normal it's nice to have someone support you and reaffirm that your feelings are normal.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this tough time, you have gotten some very good advice as far as to take some time for yourself and make sure that you are well. I hope that you will be able to spend some quality time with your mother in the coming days.
:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

59. They certainly are remarkable people.

Yeah, I need to spend more time truly caring for myself. I know this to be true, because I've had several people here remind me of that. Maybe I can channel the "worry" energy into something more productive, like self-care.

[LoveMyCali]

61. It really is important

and I had to remind myself when my mom was sick that it was even more important for me to eat right and get some rest because I didn't want to miss time I could spend with her home sick.
You mentioned a brother, do you have any other siblings or family that you can vent to and help shoulder the worry? I'm blessed to have 4 sisters and 2 brothers so there was a lot of support, we all kind of kept an eye on each other.

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. All you can is walk the walk with her,

and talk as much story as you can.

My mom was lucky - she was able to move in with her sister to die.

I hope that when my time comes, if I can't die at home, I can at least die at the home of a loved one.

But what I learned was that you can't do a damn thing except be present, talk story, and be honest about what's happening. But, you're a minister, so I'm sure you know that. So for you, I will add this extra tidbit: even though it's your mom and dad, your CPE training still holds true.

[RevCheesehead]

32. The hospice chaplain is a good friend of my parents.

They've known each other for years. She came to the initial hospice meeting in November, and I told her that my parents need pastoral care. The pastor at their home church doesn't visit, and they really need to be able to talk over all their life changes. And, as Nancy quickly reminded me, I need to be the daughter, not the pastor.

[Whoa_Nelly]

22. I have no advice

but do offer up my compassion :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

50. that is plenty.

And I appreciate it more than I can say. :hug:

[lizziegrace]

23. The nursing home is a gift for you

Without having to worry about her day-to-day care, you can spend more time with her, as can your father.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

51. that's exactly right.

All of us are thankful that they live here. The care in the entire complex is amazing... and we are blessed.

:hug:

[caty]

24. My mother spent the last 3 years of her life

in a nursing home. If you can, take her out to lunch or dinner when you can. Go and just spend the evening watching T.V. with her. Also, we were advised to visit at different times, so that the people at the home never knew when you might pop in.
My mother had uncontrollable diabetes, fluid around the heart and lungs, chronic anemia because of bleeding into her stomach (the lining of her stomach had worn thin), and senile dementia. With all that we simply could not care for her at home. She was uncooperative because of the dementia. We were happy with the care she got. It was a good nursing home. But, she hated it. It was a bad time for us all. But, looking back, we know she would not have lived as long as she did if we hadn't placed her there.
I know this is a very hard and sad time for all of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[RevCheesehead]

53. I'm sorry that was so difficult for her.

I think dementia is the hardest of all for everyone to deal with. (mom is not anywhere near that, thankfully.)

What surprises me is how willing Mom is to let this happen. Her acceptance is making it all easier to bear. She's also considering how much caring for her is wearing out my dad (he's 9 years older than she).

[elshiva]

26. Praying for you and your parents.

Please God, if it is your will, help Rev's Mom heal. If this cannot be grant her a peaceful end.

Help Rev's Dad make the move and bear the changes in his life.

Bless Rev with patience for her ministry and help her to grieve for aging parents. Please help her to take good care of herself as well. Amen.

:hug:

O God, Rev, I wish I could do more... If it's any help PM me and just rant. Anything else?

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

34. Bless you, elshiva.

She's not going to get better... we all know that. She's suffering some memory loss, but just short-term stuff, and nothing important. Emotionally, both she and dad are doing better than I am. They have a very strong faith that sustains them, and has kept them going strong for the last 46 years.

Your prayer means the world to me. Thanks. :hug:

[elshiva]

42. You are welcome. Thank you for praying for me, too.

:hug: May God grant her a peaceful end. :hug:

Your life and ministry means so much to your parents and they are blessed to have you.

[GardeningGal]

28. A couple of things

If either parent wants to talk about the difficult things (funerals, do not resuscitate orders, etc.), let them. Some people shy away from those things, but for people who are worried about it, listening and taking notes if necessary will help ease their mind. And it will be helpful for you at some point in the future - hopefully the distant future.

The other thing is about moving. We had to move my parents to a house closer to us when both of them were still alive. They have both since passed and now there are some things that I looked back on that we got rid of in the move because we were somewhat overwhelmed and felt pressured by lack of time. So, if you have to downsize when moving your father then as you get rid of things, ask yourself if it is something you would want if they were both gone. For me, we got rid of some game boards that I now wish I had. It's kind of silly, but there were a lot of memories tied to them that I didn't fully appreciate until both of them were gone.

Finally, take care of yourself. If you're not up to doing something and it isn't urgent then wait until you are ready.

[RevCheesehead]

35. Believe me, saving things is NOT the problem.

I'm a third generation pack-rat.
The problem is in letting go.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

33. My dear Rev........

I have no advice to offer you.....

Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers....

Please take care of yourself.....:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

55. thank you, my friend.

:hug:

[hickman1937]

46. My thoughts and prayers are with you Rev.

I know how you feel about things moving way too quickly. We always think there's time or, I don't know, maybe things will proceed at a workable pace, but it doesn't happen. Please try to enjoy the time you have with her. I wish I had with mine.

[RevCheesehead]

56. I often think of life as being like riding a rollercoaster.

Once you get going, you really can't stop... but as long as you're on the damned thing, you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. Because, we all know, the ride ends sooner than we expected.

Thanks... it means a lot.

[uppityperson]

47. so sorry, sounds like things are moving fast and even if we are adults, we

want to be adults, we still want our parents. My mother died yrs back, my father is living on his own, so not much advice but good luck.

[RevCheesehead]

58. thank you

Even the oldest people I know still miss their parents.

[TK421]

52. Please check you PM

okay....that should be YOU'RE P.M (because I'm a little drunk here)

[RevCheesehead]

60. thanks.

I did, and responded.
:hug:

[Dangerously Amused]

62. Aw, Rev.

So sorry for the difficulty you're going through. It's never easy, but as for me (from a completely selfish perspective), if I had my choice between having a parent die unexpectedly or knowing I was watching them go and have a general idea of the time frame, I'd rather know; I'd rather have the opportunity to appreciate the last few months, weeks, days or whatever is left, for what they are, and to make the best of them. So in that sense maybe this situation is a blessing in disguise.

I think havocmom had some really good ideas. All I can add is, one thing I was glad I did in my grandma's last weeks in the nursing home was to ask her a lot of questions about her life. Like what were her earliest memories, how far back can she remember any ancestors and what were they like, who did they look like, how did they make a living; walked her through the family tree as far as possible, asked her who her childhood friends were, what were the biggest inventions, what was the most difficult time in her life and how did she get through it... that kind of stuff. I followed up on every question with as much as I could think to ask before moving on. I felt that much closer to her for doing so, and I think it was comforting for her to know that the details of her life wouldn't be lost. I think it also brought back some good memories for her, and gave her something else to think about besides just focusing on her current situation.

Beyond that, just... oh man. My heart goes out to you. Big hugs :hug: and prayers for energy, sleep, strength, courage and peace.

[RevCheesehead]

67. thanks, DA.

my biggest concern right now is energy. I don't have much, and need to recharge. I appreciate the hugs and prayers, too.

:hug:

[Callalily]

63. Right now Rev

all I can offer you is a Will be lighting a candle to illuminate you path, and also sending you all the energy and healing thoughts that I can muster

[RevCheesehead]

68. thank you.

I really appreciate that. :hug:

(I love that meditating smiley!)

[ProfessorGAC]

64. That's A Shame

Take care of yourself and your family.
The Professor

[RevCheesehead]

69. that's our goal.

thanks

[Strong Atheist]

65. So sorry. No advice, my most loved relative

died unexpectedly, and young. Sorry for your mom. Sorry.

:-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

[RevCheesehead]

70. thank you

that means a lot to me.

[RetroLounge]

66. I am so sorry...

and you know I will have a big Retro hug waiting for you today along with a cup of coffee...

RL

[RevCheesehead]

71. mmmm.... RetroHugs

are divine. :hug:

I don't know when I'm getting outta here today... lots to do.

[Hugin]

72. No advice...

But, as always you have my utmost support and sympathy.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

75. thanks, Prag

:hug:

[Serial Mom]

76. I am so sorry, yet acceptance by both your mom and you helps

I walked that path twice before I was 40 - my mom died of cancer when I was 22 and just had my 3rd baby. And when I was 37 my dad died of cancer - I was his caretaker for about 1/2 year because he refused to go to nursing home.

You tend to feel guilt over not spending time with them like you think you should, but when you get down to it, you HAVE spent time with them. Even with a busy life, they are in your thoughts, your prayers and heart. And you are and will be there for them physically - you think you can't handle the task of being there for your parents and all the other things in your life, but you do it and you know what? You end up being happy you did.

So no matter how quickly this happens or how busy you are and how big a load this puts on you - you will feel better for being there.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

78. Thank you so much for this answer.

It really makes me feel better about doing what I can for them, and helps me stay away from the guilty feelings, too.

:hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

77. It is a difficult time of life to go through. It seems like it reaches us

very suddenly and the feelings of helplessness and the inability to stop the progression of a decline in a loved one are very strong. I never have been in the position such as you find yourself now. My loved ones suffered through illness and went rather quickly. I honestly don't know which is worse for they both are. Just know that my thoughts are with you throughout this time in your life.

BW925

[RevCheesehead]

89. thanks.

I appreciate it.

[JVS]

80. Visit often. Keep her comfortable.

[RevCheesehead]

90. Doing the best I can.

It's hard, living 3 hours away, but I try.

[khashka]

81. I am so sorry

The only advice I can offer is to spend as much time with her as you can. Later, you'll be very grateful for the time you had with her.

Also stay involved. Ask questions of the people at the nursing home. Get to know the people who work there. Some times not very nice things happen - not out of cruelty, just ineffiency. They are a lot more careful if they know you are watching over their shoulder.

Even though this is a good move for your mom, it's also a huge change. She might feel a little lonely or depressed at first.Visit her as often as you can and when you can't then call her.


Khash.

[RevCheesehead]

91. Thanks, Khash.

I asked hospice today to have their chaplain be in touch with her (and dad). And, wonder of wonders, the local pastor is coming to see her on Friday.

[WolverineDG]

82. hey rev, just saw this

:hug:

sorry to hear about this. when my mom went, it happened very quickly (heart attack or something), but my dad lingered on & on & on. from the kid perspective, you always want one or both of your parents around, but you have to realize that at some point, they're going to decide they've had long, full lives & are just tired & want to rest. it doesn't mean they don't love you, though, you just have to mentally let her go.

when it comes to helping your dad move, don't fall into the trap of holding on to something just because it was your mom's. (you wouldn't believe the junk i held onto just because of that.) just because you've donated/sold/given away things that belonged to your mom doesn't mean she wasn't important to you or you didn't love her. you will always have the memories & those are the true treasures anyway.

:hug: again

dg

[RevCheesehead]

93. this is very good, practical advice.

We tend to save everything in our family, so your words are especially important for me to remember. Thanks, Kel.
:hug:

[Bossy Monkey]

83. You will find that you will treasure every good moment

and that they will help you survive the bad ones. My mom left us the long, slow way via Alzheimer's. There were relatively good days, and I embraced them and there were many bad days that still helpfully visit often in my dreams. Dad did the heavy lifting though. What a guy!

It's hard, but you'll get through it.

[RevCheesehead]

94. thank you.

My condolences on your mother's death. I've seen what Alzheimers does to people, and it's very, very tough on the family.

Fortunately, Mom isn't showing any signs of this happening.

[VaYallaDawg]

84. My mother spent 5 yrs in one before she passed away in 2000.

She had dementia - the nursing home (located in Tallahassee) was actually very good to her - as I recall she was just about the only full-pay resident they had (the bulk of their population was Medicaid). My brother and sister-in-law were absolute saints about visiting her frequently and seeing that all her needs were met, since I live in VA and wasn't able to be there all the time. Based on our experience, two recommendations - watch the expense ledger carefully; even though it was a reputable home, they still would mistakenly (I hope) occasionally assign charges to Mother that should have been on another individual's account; and CLOTHING. This matter can drive you nuts, and you've probably heard it from everybody you know. Somehow or other all their clothing items tend to get mixed up. I think in Mother's case she had drifted off so much from reality that she was giving things away and we couldn't keep up with what was happening. But we also heard this from other people as well, it just seems to be endemic.

You have my prayers and best wishes.

[RevCheesehead]

96. Thank you.

To ease the burden on Dad, they've agreed to have her clothes washed by them. They're really careful there, and I doubt there will be problems... but we'll keep an eye on things anyways.

[JitterbugPerfume]

85. Having my mom put in a nursing home

was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with

and losing he was heart breaking

she had dementia

Just love your mom and cherish her

(((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))

[RevCheesehead]

97. I sure will.

I'm so sorry that you went through so much pain. :hug:

[lavenderdiva]

86. RevCheesehead,

I am so sorry to hear about your parents' situation and how it is changing. First, what strikes me from your story, is how much they must love you. It sounds like they have thought through each and every circumstance that might arise, and have taken action to take care of themselves and you, in the process. By their moving into a facility that will care for them, in any financial situation, and any physical situation, they are actually giving you a great gift. You will only be dealing with the emotional issues that can arise because of this transition. And believe me, that will be enough. Many people are having to deal with all of the decisions, including the financial burden of trying to help their parents, AND the emotional distress. Your parents sound like they are trying to lift a lot of the burden off of your shoulders.

Admittedly, the emotional burden is the hardest to bear, IMHO. I lost both of my parents quite suddenly, within a 4 month span of each other, over 10 years ago. Neither one was ill, so there was no 'grace' time to allow me to prepare for the inevitable. As hard as that 'grace' period is, I believe it can be a gift from God, allowing us to prepare for what will come. You can appreciate your parents for all they have done for you, say all the things you want to say; it can be a very sweet time. Even though its been over 10 years since my parents passed away, and while that stretch of time has given me time to heal in some ways, I know there are still a lot of places within me that are raw and in need of healing. The suddenness of their deaths did not allow me an adjustment time, to prepare my heart for their absence. You, on the other hand, have been given the gift of time and grace to prepare for their passings. I am blessed in knowing that I will see my parents again, in the future, and that gives me great peace and happiness. When I catch a whiff of perfume, in passing, that was the fragrance my mother wore, it always brings a smile to my face. I still have a tape recording of her voice on her telephone answer machine (those were the days before digital recordings!). Before I packed up their house, I would often go into their closet to be closer to them, by smelling their clothing. I know that sounds weird. But after losing someone so close to you, you'll be surprised at what brings you closer to them!

Throughout the ordeal of dealing with my parents' passings, I was constantly reminded of Deuteronomy 31:8, 'And the Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear, or be dismayed.' Moses was speaking to Joshua when he said this. He was directing Joshua to lead the people of Israel into the promised land, as he, Moses, was forbidden to enter into it, because he disobeyed the Lord. Its kind of funny that Moses would be speaking so confidently to Joshua considering where Moses started. Go back and read Exodus 3:10 through 4:13, and you will again see just how fearful Moses was of his future calling. Yet, by the time Moses spoke to Joshua about his becoming leader, Moses had proven God's promises time and time again. Moses words came from experience and proving God's faithfulness.

Whatever you may be facing in the future regarding your parents, you may be assured that God will go ahead of you in each and every situation, and will be with you with each step you take. 'Do not fear or be dismayed'.


:hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

99. Your message has touched me deeply.

Thank you so very much. :hug:

[xmas74]

87. Check that nursing home from top to bottom.

Check the living areas, the bedrooms, the kitchen, the laundry area. Talk to the activity director and find out what they offer for activities.
Eat a few meals there to find out what kind of food they prepare and what the quantities are. Stop in at all times of the day and night to observe the staff.
Just some advice from someone who has worked in nursing homes.

[RevCheesehead]

100. Thanks.

She's already been on the floor a couple of times, after hospitalizations... so we know what to expect. In fact, I think one of the reasons she was so willing to go is because she had such great care. This facility is fantastic, and people there are so loving and caring. I can't say this enough... and I trust them fully.

I appreciate your words. Thank you.

[xmas74]

132. No problem.

It's what I'd tell anyone looking into long term care.

[WCGreen]

88. Just stay within yourself.....

Talk to her about things... Memories...

Do little special things...

That is what I did to get through it....

But don't forget to ask her about what she wants.... How she would like to be remembered...

I have found that being honest with people facing death is a good thing...

And since you are a compassionate person, I believe you will do what is right for your situation....

Keep the love up.....

[RevCheesehead]

101. I think asking her what she wants is very important.

So much of her decisions about care are done by others - but they always, always, always make sure she knows what's going on, and why. That's why we had this meeting yesterday.

I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

92. No advice...

Just :hug::hug::hug:

[RevCheesehead]

102. That is exactly what I need right now..

thank you! :hug:

[supernova]

95. Oh, I'm so sorry Rev and a couple of suggestions.

I know how hard this must be for you. I have travelled that road.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sure you know, or have someone to work with them. Make sure their/her papers are up to date. And that you children know where they are. It's difficult, but it will make things much easier down the road.

Also, give each of them a voice recorder. They can record family stories or thoughts and feelings they meant to share with you but thought of when no one was around. I have my mom on tape talking about an old family quilt. It's so lovely to hear her voice. :cry:

Just spend every minute that you can with them. You won't regret a minute of it.

[RevCheesehead]

103. thanks, nova.

They took care of a lot of stuff before they sold their home. They consulted with a lawyer, and got a living trust set up. Everything is written out - even details for their memorial services.

My parents have given me so much - and I fully appreciate what they've done for me by having the hard stuff already taken care of.

:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

98. I'm sorry Rev.

I didn't face what you're going through now.
Remember your friends will be here when you need us.

[RevCheesehead]

104. Thanks, Joani.

You're right - this community of people is amazing. I am already touched by all the responses.

:hug:

[maveric]

105. Sorry to hear that.

Really check the facilty out. I've worked in such places and some are better than others.

[RevCheesehead]

108. I have, and am confident in their care for her.

Thanks for your thoughts. :hug:

[TallahasseeGrannie]

109. Been there

Six years with my dad, seven with my mom. It is not fun. Please private email me if you want. I have a lot of suggestions but need to ask some more questions.

It's a hard time, bittersweet. Soak it up. Get in it, don't stay on the outside.

[RevCheesehead]

112. Thanks so much.

Right now, all this is still new, and reality hasn't set in yet. Even mom said the same thing today. As time goes by, yeah, I could probably use some good advice. Right now, I'm just tired.

:hug:

[AirmensMom]

110. I'm sorry, Rev.

I don't have any advice, but I know the pain of losing a parent. My dad never recovered after heart surgery almost 4 years ago. He lingered in the hospital for 6 months. It was a total shock because he seemed to be pretty healthy before the surgery. And the surgery went well, but he got a drug-resistant staph infection at the hospital. The good part was that we had the chance to say everything we needed to say and have no regrets. We were able to assure him that we would take care of Mom. It was definitely hard seeing him slowly fade away ... agonizing, as you say. Yet, we were able to really feel our love for him and his for us. Even when he couldn't talk anymore, he had a special look for each of us when we visited. When he looked at Mom, his eyes turned into deep blue pools. It was like there was a sort of telepathy going on. He was totally at peace and communicated that to us.

The funny thing is that what we remember most about him now are the annoying little things he used to do. I mean, EVERYONE does normal things that are not memorable. It was the things that he did that drove us crazy that we cherish now. I would just love to hear him say one more time, "Honey, I think you have mice in your walls" ... that was the parakeets on the patio chewing on their cage. We still laugh about it. Yep, I miss him something fierce. Sometimes, it seems like he's here with me, especially when I play his favorite song (Abide with me) on the piano.

Hugs to you. This is a hard journey. I'm glad you can be there to help both of your parents. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

113. We're still building memories together.

And spending a lot more time, sharing memories of things that happened long ago. Last night, I turned to my dad and said "do you remember when..." and he said "how do you remember all that stuff?" All I could say was "I was a little kid, and easily impressed." It was fun.

Thanks, AM. :hug:

[AirmensMom]

115. That's great!

We do that with our kids ... and it's amazing the things they remember!

I'm glad you're enjoying your parents now. Keep us updated. :hug:

[Ptah]

111. You are in my thoughts and prayers, RevCheesehead.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

114. What beautiful photos.

They're so serene - and just what I need tonight.
Thank you! :hug:

[Ptah]

118. A site that helps my connect with the universe, as we know it:

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/

Heres a favorite image that reminds me that
dark times precede the sunshine:

[Maat]

116. I'm sorry you have to go through this Rev!

A hug for you:

:hug:

May you get through this with grace and ease!

[RevCheesehead]

117. Thank you, friend.

Please keep us in your prayers. :hug:

[RetroLounge]

119. It was great to speak with you today on the phone

We WILL hook up for coffee one of these days when you drive thru.

Take care of you, eat well, get enough sleep and remember to do something fun for yourself (Sounds a bit like your advice turned around, hey? :D )

and remember that big Retro-Hug with your name on it has no expiration date.

:hug:

RL

[RevCheesehead]

120. heh - yeah, that happens on occasion.

As a good friend often reminded me, "You be good to YOU."

I'll be travelling that road often... and we will meet again. :hug:


(BTW: you have the sexiest voice! :loveya:)

[RetroLounge]

121. the sexiest voice?

I hear that a lot. The girls at my wife's store always tell her some sexy-voiced guy is on the phone when I call.

I've had to have my voice registered as a lethal weapon, due to it's swooning effect upon a fellow DU'er whose moniker will remain unmentioned... (((.)))

RL

[RevCheesehead]

122. It was all I could do to keep the car on the road.

Somewhere in Jefferson, a pedestrian is cussing me out. :D

[RetroLounge]

123. I can see the police report now...

:rofl:

RL

[RevCheesehead]

124. well, I pretty much maintained control...

at least, until I unhooked my bra. ;)

[RetroLounge]

125. You let the girls free in Jefferson?

I think that's illegal...

RL

[Robeson]

126. I'm very sorry, Rev. I'll be dealing with this with my parents....

...probably, within the next 10 years or so, so I've not experienced it in a child/parent relationship as of yet. However, I fully remember what they went through with their parents in this same type situation. You have my best thoughts.

[RevCheesehead]

129. Thank you, Robeson.

That means a lot to me.

[Dem2theMax]

127. All I can do is share what I've been going through and how I've been

dealing with it.

Last year, within a three week period, both of my parents ended up in the hospital, totally out of the blue. Dad had pneumonia, was in ICU, hooked up to a respirator and feeding tube, so sick he had the last rites and somehow came out of it. Mom had an intestinal/bowel blockage and should have had surgery, but because of her age, the doctors didn't want to operate. With conservative care, she also made it through. Since then, I have become the 'go to' person on everything. All three of our lives changed since that three week period.

I look at it this way. They are 86 and 87 years of age. I'm 49. They have been here for me over the years when I've had problems and I'm going to be here for them in any and all ways that I can. Some days I don't want to get out of bed because I'm so tired I can't think straight. But I get up because I have to. I have to make sure they are OK. I have to pay their bills. I have to cook dinner. I have to mow the lawn. I spent Saturday trimming a huge tree in the front yard so Dad wouldn't have to pay someone else to do it. They need every penny they have. Next week I get to do their taxes. I'm always on the phone with a doctors office or the pharmacy. I'm the taxi service for Mom. I've become her 'beauty parlor,' styling her hair a few times a week. I trim their toenails because they can no longer bend far enough to reach their feet. Dad can still drive but I usually drive him wherever he has to go as I worry when he's behind the wheel. It's to the point where when the phone rings and it's not a personal call from one of their friends, the phone is handed to me so I can deal with whatever is needed. When they have a doctors appointment, I go with them to make sure all of their health concerns are being met. Tomorrow it's the dentist with Mom and Thursday it's the eye doctor with Mom.

The kitchen needs painting. Guess who is going to do it? A pine tree in the back yard needs to be cut down. Guess who? The list goes on and on and on. And me? When do I have time for me? I don't. Not really. I escape once or twice a month and go to the movies for a few hours of solitude. I have piles of paperwork on my desk that I need to get to, but it waits till I have a few 'free' hours of my own. I've been trying to get to that pile for about three weeks. I think Friday will be the day. I hope. :-)

Do I feel sorry for myself? Do I wish I could run away? Not for one minute. At times I feel overwhelmed but that goes away after a bit of sleep. All I can think of is all my parents have done for me over the years and if I can give back even one tenth of what they have given me, it's all worth it. If I can give them some sense of peace of knowing that they are being taken care of, that they are being looked after and that they don't have to worry about anything, it's worth every minute of exhaustion I have right now. They are old and getting older by the day. I see my Dad, who was a very young 86, finally aging before my eyes and I hate seeing that happen. I look at my Mom and I miss the woman who used to spend hours with me, just window shopping at the malls, all so we'd have an excuse to hit some restaurant and have a hot fudge sundae. She can't walk far anymore. She also has vision problems. Both she and Dad have hearing problems. And I'm going deaf from the TV being so loud. LOL? Mom's getting senile and Dad gets more stubborn with each passing day. And it's frustrating. VERY frustrating. Sometimes I'll lock myself in the bathroom and cry for a few minutes, to release that frustration and then I'm good to go for another week. Or day. Depending on how well things go. I've learned not to plan too much. Something always comes up that changes the 'schedule' and that only causes more frustration, so I'm learning to go with the flow. That's a hard lesson for someone who is normally very organized and wants to do everything 'in order.' What was supposed to get done today, but didn't, will maybe get done tomorrow, if life doesn't throw something unexpected into the pile of the 'things to do' list.

The most important thing I've learned is how much I love my parents. I'll do anything I can to make their lives easier and as stress free as possible. If it means my life is harder and full of stress, so be it. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything possible to take care of them. When they do die, I won't have any regrets. I will be able to say goodbye fully knowing I did everything I could for them and most of all, I will know without a doubt, that they died knowing how very much I loved them. And I will know how much they loved me.

My advice - do everything you are able to do. And then some. You won't regret losing some sleep or losing some personal time for yourself. What you will gain is priceless.
I promise.

And even though my parents are changing, and I too have 'lost' parts of who they were, as those parts of them recede, new facets of my parents emerge. Now it's easier to talk about 'hard' subjects, about the past, about anything really. They have more time to talk, to remember, to share memories of their lives. I've learned more about them in the past year than in the previous 48 years combined. We've become very close friends. (Although there are times when I think my Dad and I could strangle each other. We're both very stubborn and when we're working together on a project, look out. LOL.) Sure, I wish they were both very healthy and still able to do all the things they did only a few short years ago. But I also wouldn't give up this time with them for anything in the world.

It is a very long, very slow goodbye. I don't know when the goodbye will happen. It could be tomorrow. It could be ten years from now. I hope for ten. I fear for tomorrow. And I rejoice in every minute I have with Mom and Dad. It's ALL a blessing.

All good wishes to you and your Mom and Dad. Hang in there and know that you can only do it one day at a time. Most of all, just love each other. :hug:

[benny05]

128. Eldercare is Hard

I lost my dad 15 years ago, and now, it's gotten to the point where my mom is still mobile, but she cannot live within her means. Dad passed away with no resources for her, and she has struggled for years. I have a sister near her, but she is getting resentful unlike Dem2theMax. She has lost sight of the fact that of all 3 children, she and her children benefitted most from my mom in terms of babysitting, allowing her to live with her when she and her spouse had a few spats, etc.

Meantime, I've been supporting my mother for years in terms of spending my vacation time with her, sending her money each month. My spouse and I have decided to see if my mother can live with us, although we've agreed it's not a permanent arrangement at this point. We believe my mom could have a better quality of life with us, and not have the hassles of keeping up her house etc.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked Skinner for a "caregivers" group, but I couldn't get 10 straight votes to get a group going. Those who are interested, please contact Skinner. I know I could learn a lot from you all and I would be a contributor too.

Rev Cheesehead, as a person who has enjoyed seeing you in the DUL for over a year now, I can see how this is pretty difficult for you. I hope you will keep us updated on your parents' progress and how you feel about the process as your parents and you make this transition.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

131. I think a Caregivers group would be helpful to a lot of people.

I've started groups like this in churches I have served. What people don't realize is that even though they're not currently in this kind of situation, chances are that they will be, at some time in their life.

Thank you for your kind words. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

130. thank you for sharing your story.

I appreciate your thoughts. :hug:

[CC]

133. Not much advice I can

offer that hasn't been already beyond do what feels right to you. We all handle things differently and it is best to be true to yourself. Rest when you can as much as you can, you need to recharge.



Remember you have an ear to listen, and shoulder to lean on and a friend that cares. Use them all. You have supported more of us than can be counted, seen many through hard times, even when you were going through your own. You dear Rev are priceless and loved. Don't forget it.

[RevCheesehead]

134. Thanks, ferrettessa.

You are a dear friend, and I :loveya: you. :hug:

[yellowdogintexas]

135. my sisters and I watched our mom on a long slow slide from

outrageous, funny, sweet and totally wonderful to dementia; last 6 months in a nursing home.

I can only offer you cyberhugs, and a shoulder to cry on. It was a long and difficult journey.

My thoughts are with you

[RevCheesehead]

136. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate the thoughts, and the hug, too. :hug:

[merh]

137. You and yours are in my prayers.

:grouphug:

I am here at any time, day or night, if you need me. :hug: :loveya:

[RevCheesehead]

138. The Divine Ms. M!!

:hug::loveya:

Thanks, sweetie. I've been missing you.

[merh]

139. You know I'm always around.

Especially for you Popey. :hug:

Momma taught me a long time ago "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" -- I've been working on putting that one in to practice. :silly:

I've missed you too, you know my number, pmail, email addie! Don't be a stranger. Shoulders are always here for you. :hug: :loveya:

[Patiod]

140. Statistics show that those w/frequent visitors get better care

Not always malicious, but if an overworked aide has to decide between cleaning up two patients -- one who is likely to have visitors that day, and one who is not, who is the aide going to clean up?

It's tough getting older, isn't it, Rev? Watching our parents get older and frailer.

I'll hold you in Light, as we Quakers say.

[RevCheesehead]

141. Thanks, Patoid.

My mom is one of those people that everyone falls in love with. In fact, the nurses on the second floor are sad that she's moving up to the third floor, because they were hoping they'd get to care for her.

She's also gracious, rarely complains, and has a smile for everyone. If someone is having a bad day, Mom will ask what's wrong, no matter how she herself is feeling. What I once took for granted is now obvious: that my Mom really IS special, loving, and an amazing woman.

I can use all the light I can get. Thanks. :hug: