Oooh, i'm in a baaaad mood

[bicentennial_baby]

i'm sick, i'm depressed, pessimistic, and sad...simultaneously!! :wow:

it's a combination of variables...my seemingly never-ending illness, the weather, issues in my personal life, my naturally shitty outlook peeking through, hormones, beginning of the semester...oy. x(

anybody got any jokes? :P

:)

[LSK]

1. i know a good brazilian joke

:evilgrin:

[bicentennial_baby]

2. eeeek! noooooooo!

:scared: don't do it man, you'll kill us all!! :o

heehee :)

[sendero]

3. Here's one..

....

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming
from his parents bedroom.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear
you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on
him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his
stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?" And the boy
replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and
blows him back up!"

[bicentennial_baby]

5. hahahaha

:rofl: thank you! :hi:

[jane_pippin]

4. I wish I did because I'm in about the same boat today.

I felt like there was TV static competing with a vaccuum cleaner in my head all day long.

And now I get to go to work again! Yay.

Hope you feel a little better soon.

:hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

7. awwww, my peep, i'm sorry

i'm with ya...i can't even knit today, i'm so bummed and attention-span-lacking...that stinks!

i hope you feel better ASAP!! :bounce:

:hug:

[sendero]

6. Another....

...

This guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The instructor was
going through various thing in the Kinsey report, and the class
members gasped audibly when she read out that a woman had several
hundred orgasms in a single session. A male voice said, "Wow, who was
she?". A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who was
*HE*?"

[bicentennial_baby]

11. the natural question, of course

:D

:)

[SeattleGirl]

8. Sorry you're feeling bad, baby

No jokes, but maybe this picture of my nephew will make you smile for a sec. :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

12. OMG, he's freaking adorable!!

eeek! i'm in loooove! :loveya:

i've got a soft spot for the lil ones, i will admit :)

thank you!! :hi:

[SeattleGirl]

24. Yes, he is, isn't he?

Along with my daughter, he's the light of my life! :loveya:

I do hope you feel better soon, baby!

[bicentennial_baby]

26. i'm sure he is!!

you're very lucky :)

and thank you! you're always so nice to me, i do notice. :pals:

[sendero]

9. Gotta elevate that mood..

....
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman (blonde, perhaps?) who is
shopping on Rodeo Drive and says, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looks at him and says, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

[bicentennial_baby]

13. doh!

:o

[Fenris]

10. President Bush is sitting in his office reading daily briefings

When all the sudden the Vice President bursts through the door and informs him his wife has been kidnapped in Beijing and that Air Force One is waiting to take him to China.

The President, in a huff, picks up his phone and dials the White House Travel Office, where he hears the familiar voice of his travel secretary.

"Maria, quickly - how long does it take to fly from DC to Beijing?"

The secretary shoots back, "Just a second, Mr. President."

"Wow!" the President exclaims. "That's fast!"

:hi:

[bicentennial_baby]

14. hehe

thanks for that...nice to see you too :hi:

[redqueen]

15. For you

:)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

1 Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

2 A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

[bicentennial_baby]

19. thanks RQ!!

good to see you sweetie!! :hi:

[sendero]

16. One more..

....

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When
the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor
patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines
and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going
to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's
advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for
a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out
of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me,
I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is
immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your
advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and
this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

[bicentennial_baby]

20. ...

:rofl:

[Sugar Smack]

17. OK, I'm TERRIBLE at telling jokes, but for you I'll try.

A guy's sitting in his living room reading the paper. There's a knock at the door. He opens it, looks around, there's nobody there. Suddenly he looks down & he sees a snail.

He picks it up, walks across the street, and throws it into a field.

Ten years later, the guy is reading the paper when there is a knock at the door. He opens it and looks around. Nobody, but when he looks down, he sees the snail, who says:

"What the fuck was THAT all about?"


Hope you get some warm hugs tonight, and some brandy or something. And stop going OUTSIDE all the time. The weather sucks here too. The wind's blowing like the Passat winds or the Santa Anas. I't been doing this for 3 weeks. I'm going batshit.

:hug: x1,000

[bicentennial_baby]

21. awwwww, you still love me?

even after i forgot you in the 'DUers You'd Like to Meet' thread? :(

i like your joke baby!! yay! :bounce:

i've got pasta, beer, dayquil, and some yummy green smokeables, so hopefully i'll have a ok night...

you're the best, girl...a treasure :loveya:

:hug:

[Sugar Smack]

29. OF COURSE I still love you! I've been wanting to kidnap you ever

since I saw that picture of you in the tiara & the camo top! :loveya:

Plus, I may have forgotten to add your name to my list as well. *damn* Anyway, listen, DROP the beer & pasta right now, ok? If you drink some brandy or vodka, that doesn't have yeast in it. Anything with yeast is going to make your symptoms worse- being stopped-up, depressed, you may have overloaded on that.

I went thru 3 months of being allergic, and I'm no doctor, but I know how I felt. If you cut out bread & pasta for a few days, you may feel better. Have something corn-based, instead, like tortillas. Cheese, meat & veggies are all ok, OK?

You're a treasure, bibaby. :D :* :hi: :loveya: :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

33. Oh....ok

i'm only having the one beer, and it's about gone now. as far as the pasta goes, i have no appetite as it is with the illness so it's probably off the menu for tonight. :)

quitting pasta scares me! it's like a food group unto itself for me! :o

but, i was thinking last night about getting back to my good eating habits, re-starting vitamins, and getting back to yoga...i've been slacking since before Paris, and i'm paying for it now!! x(

heehee, you can kidnap me any day baby... :D

and thanks for caring...it's more than appreciated, believe me :)

[texas1928]

18. This little guy is asking you to cheer up.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/01/barkingcat.html

[bicentennial_baby]

22. i wish my cats did that!

:rofl: that would rule, and keep me amused, eternally. :)

:hi:

[ronnykmarshall]

55. Holy shit!!

My cat does that same thing. He does it when he sees a fly or some bug.

[ThatsMyBarack]

23. So am I....

So I'm just laughing my butt off at that "Freeper Cruise" thread here in the lounge. :rofl:

[bicentennial_baby]

27. hehe, it's a good one, i agree

:rofl:

[ronnykmarshall]

25. A woman gets on a bus in NYC

she starts to get a horrible headace. She reaches into her purse for some asprins (pronounced "Ass-burns"). She can't find them and start yelling .... "My Ass-burns! Me ass-burns!".

The bus driver turns around and yells .... "Stick it out da winda and let if cool off!".

[bicentennial_baby]

28. you...

:P

hellooooo Ronny!! :hi:

[ronnykmarshall]

38. That's my favorite joke when I was a kid.

We got to say "ass"!!!

[sendero]

30. I can't stop..

....

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed
that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with
the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the
way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to
the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he
didn't. He just walked in the door."

[bicentennial_baby]

34. ...

:spray:

you're killin me over here!! :rofl:

[sendero]

31. AAAAhhhhhhh...

....
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.
(The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis
in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get
when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

[bicentennial_baby]

35. oh man...

my brother is LOVING these...hehe :D

[sendero]

32. Whoopppeeee!!!

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them
a test. They released a rabbit into three forests and each has to catch
the rabbit in the forest assigned to them.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn their forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a
rabbit!

[bicentennial_baby]

36. oh snap...

that's a good one dude... :thumbsup:

[texas1928]

37. here is one.

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

[texas1928]

39. HA HA

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

[sendero]

40. Funny kid stuff...

...

*From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life?
--Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends.
--Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any
old yokel vote.
--Age 10

Home is where the house is.
--Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have
told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I
didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear
beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to
die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I
live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a
copy of
the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four
basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen
matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the
night lighting farts.
--Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower.
--Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the
wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big
fire and everyone died.
--Age 13

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up.
--Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there.
--Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with!
--Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So
I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be. At least until the
looting started.
--Age 15

[sniffa]

41. here's one for you Love

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH, NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, crying quietly.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[bicentennial_baby]

47. nononono!

i said i was already in a bad mood, not 'put me in one'! x(

you, of all people...how could you! x(



:P

[texas1928]

42. One more. this one is good.

A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."

Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."

Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."

Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."

Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

[bicentennial_baby]

45. nice!!

:bounce:

[DS1]

43. Fuck off

Your bad mood ain't got shit on mine.

I paid over 700 bucks for a course credit that I should never have had to take in the first place, was told was waived in the first place- but not waived after all, then paid to take it so I could graduate, and then had the instructor waive the requirements 10 minutes after seeing the level of my work to date that same afternoon.

:fuckoff:

and then I had to edit this post

[bicentennial_baby]

44. dood, your bad mood kicks mine's ass!

:hug: that utterly, utterly sucks and blows. i feel ya. :hug:

and for you, i promise, no pic threads ;)

[DS1]

46. I showed him this

and he realized he was outgunned

http://www.dillingerinteractive.com/efx/water.php

[bicentennial_baby]

49. i can see why

beautiful :)

i'm sorry that that happened to you, seriously. :hug:

you can tell me to fuck off anytime Martin :)

[DS1]

52. nah, once is enough, and that was just to let it out

So, anyway
----------


This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

[bicentennial_baby]

53. bwahahaha!

i like! :bounce:

[MrScorpio]

48. No jokes, just hugs for my babygirl

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

50. awwww, papi!!

it's you!!! :bounce:

what's shakin? :D

one for you too! :hug:

[MrScorpio]

51. Just on DU and chilling

Seeing where some love and understanding is needed and doing what I can to help.

:hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

54. as always...

:yourock:

i hope all is well with you and the Mrs. :)