Would you forgive this guy?

[MissHoneychurch]

Here is the scenario:

New Years Eve. You have a date. The guy comes, stays for about 2 hours, tells me he loves me. Then he leaves because he gets a text message that his son is sick and in the hospital. Ok, not so much a big deal. He promises that you could come to his place the next day.

The next day comes, you try to reach him becausse you need directions. His cell is off. Stays off most time of the day. You send text messages and talk on his mailbox. No reaction. Same thing the day after.

Forward 10 days. He suddenly sends you a text message, asking how you are doing. No excuse, no explanation. He behaves like everything is alright. You don't answer. He calls (first time he ever calls since you know him). Wants to know why you don't answer. Again no excuse, no explanantion. Rather accusing you of having another man since you didn't answer. You tell him you don't know how you feel right now.

A week later (Friday). Same game. Again you don't reply. He calls again. You tell him you don't see any sense in it anymore. You hang up.

Again a week later (Friday). A text message saying he still misses you. You don't reply.

Sunday evening. You are online at YM. He starts talking to you. You answer. He tells you he loves you, he is sorry, he wants you back. When you ask why he didn't contact you the first two weeks of January, he can't really give you an explanation.

What do you do? Do you believe him and give him a second chance or do you have the feeling his ego is hurt and he can't accept that you left him?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

1. He is taking you for granted and playing with your emotions .

If can't be honest with you about where he was then something is up .

[MissHoneychurch]

2. I have a bad feeling about it also

I don't want to be taken for granted and I tired of being played. He tells me again and again he ain't playing. I see it different. My guts tell me to leave my hands from him.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

20. Trust your instincts .

If something smells bad then its bad .

[Wetzelbill]

3. if he can't give you an explanation

then that is a big problem. If he said he had another woman and screwed up etc, maybe even that could be worked out, but if he can't even explain himself then you might be best letting him go at least until he can be honest with you. He may be scared to admit something too. Tough situation. I say you should leave the door open for him if he wants to be honest, but let him know you aren't looking to play games. He's messing with your emotions right now and that can't be allowed to happen.

[MissHoneychurch]

6. The thing is

I don't know right now if I really want to leave a door open for him. I got hurt once too often in my past and he knows about my last really bad relationship. Even before New Year he behaved like that. There always were gaps between him contacting me. And after New Year I had enough of him playing with my feelings. I don't want that again.
An ex bf told me I am unforgiving. I think it is true.

[Wetzelbill]

8. oh well if

he's been behaving like that for a while, it may be best to move on. You can't allow yourself to get hurt, you know? :)

[MissHoneychurch]

10. I already got hurt by him

and I don't want that again. That is my dilemma right now. We got along great when we saw each other. But those time gaps in between aren't something I can live with.

[Fleshdancer]

4. way too much drama

If he acts this ridiculous now, could you imagine how bad it'll get a year from now? Not worth it. Just out of curiosity, how long were you dating before New Year's Eve?

[MissHoneychurch]

7. some months

I met him June. Wasn't ready for a new relationship and told him that. He kept contact. In October I started to date him for real.

[Omphaloskepsis]

5. How long have you known the guy?

I hope he wasn't tossing around the "l" word on the first date. I think you can do better.

But this does make me feel better.

[MissHoneychurch]

9. I know this guy since 8 months now

and no, it wasn't our first date.

Edit to add: Congrats, have fun and enjoy it :)

[KitchenWitch]

11. Personally I would cut and run

Sounds like he makes a game of reeling people in and then pushing them away.

[MissHoneychurch]

12. I always think

that if you love someone you make that person a part of your life. I don't have the feeling with him that he is making me part of his life. Like I was only good enough for a night at the weekend and during the week I was left out.

[KitchenWitch]

18. I agree with you

Loving someone makes them become a priority in my life.

[Wetzelbill]

13. psh don't listen to tall people

they are all trouble. :)

Wait, short people are all devious, so I guess that's worse. :) (just watch Leprechaun)

[KitchenWitch]

14. I thought you were going to bed!

:P

[Robeson]

15. MissHoneychurch, he's married, or has another....

...girlfriend. He had to be with someone else that New Year's Eve, and that someone else, was probably pissed at him, wanting to know where he was those two hours.

[MissHoneychurch]

16. I don't think he is married

but the gf could be possible. I don't know.

[Robeson]

19. There are 365 days in a year, and his kid has to go to the hospital....

...on New Year's Eve? What are the odds? And he doesn't call you back in like, forever? C'mon MissHoneychurch. Was his kid on life support those days having to be diagnosed for childhood leukemia? I hate giving you Tuff Love here, but you need to dump these type of guys, MissHoneychurch, he sounds alot like the last guy who used you.

[MissHoneychurch]

22. Oh I have my doubts, believe me

and I already moved on after I decided for myself not to be played by him anymore. I didn't think about him, I felt good. Now he pops up again and brings chaos in my emotions. Like he did the whole time. Even after I slept over it I feel the same actually. That I don't want him back. I will write him an email tonight.

[rbnyc]

55. That's what I thought. (nt)

[Bridget Burke]

56. Sounds married to me...or otherwise committed.

Not worth the effort.

[radwriter0555]

17. Since he can't explain why he ignored you for 2 weeks, you owe him

nothing.

His ego is hurt and he can't accept that you booted him to the curb.

You're doing all the right things, he's just not who you hoped he would be.

He found a new online honey those first 2 weeks of January and she booted him to the curb too, so you're his "hollerback girl..." The one he goes/went to when the others failed to come through. He thinks you're a sure thing.. and he'll do the same thing when he ropes in another gal, leave you hanging.

You're moving on!

and it sucks when we're fooled, doesn't it? I'm sorry he's such a schmuck, but it's not your fault.

[MissHoneychurch]

21. This is what I believe as well

that his ego is hurt and that he promises me everything right now to get me back to be able to play the game even further.

[radwriter0555]

51. so, if you like the games and the heartbreak, keep him around.. if you

want to be available to move on to a decent man, then smile, tell him you're busy and go out and do something else!

[kwassa]

29. I agree, this sounds right to me.

I've been in this situation a couple of times myself, and the best thing to do is just to walk away from it, which isn't always easy to do.

He wants you to be his woman-in-reserve, the backup if all else fails.

Bottom-line is he is disrespectful of you by not returning your calls in a timely manner, and by not committing himself, at least on some basic level, to you.

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. He says he is sorry....sorry for what? Sounds like he's a player to me.

One who will have one eye on you and one on the door. You are worth so much more than that MissHoney. And he's an ass for treating you like that. You tell him I said that. :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

24. Yes I am worth more than that

and that is what bothers me most, that he can't give me a real reason why he didn't contact me.

[bearfan454]

25. No.

10 days means he has other options he is checking out. I used to be like that a looooooooong time ago.

[MissHoneychurch]

26. well he is in his mid 20s

maybe that explains it :)

[xchrom]

27. men are like candy -- eat one -- have another.

we're plentiful.

[jmm]

28. Who sends a text message about a sick son?

I can understand being concerned about using a cell phone in a hospital but keeping it on and sending a text message takes more time than calling and leaving a quick voice mail. If I had a sick child in the hospital I would try to use the quickest method possible to contact its father. I think this is something he pre-arranged to give himself an excuse to get out early. Some men use love as a pick-up up line and once they say it they think they "have you" and can do whatever they want. If he knew anything about love he wouldn't have waited 10 days to contact you then acted liked nothing happened. Then he calls after all he did accusing you of having another man! People who are cheating can be some of the quickest to point the finger and accuse their partners.

He does not deserve a second chance.

[Lochloosa]

30. Dump him! There are much better men out there than him.

My wife tells me that at least once every couple of weeks.

[Callalily]

31. MissHoneychurch,

this is not a matter of you "not being forgiving". Unfortunately I think he's keeping all his options open, and you happen to be one of them. I just did some verbal tap dancing like this with a guy and decided it's just not worth it. My heart too has been broken, and I know that it's hard to trust again.
I'm glad you went out clubbing with your friend on the weekend. Just enjoy yourself, the rest will fall into place.

[MissHoneychurch]

32. thanks SF

yes it is hard to trust again. And even harder if you give that trust and get it dumped again. I decided after he didn't call back the first week of January that I am done with him. Guess he doesn't like being dumped (instead the other way around). So yes, I will tell him tonight that I won't give him another chance. I felt good about myself when he was out of my life.

[DanCa]

33. Loose him . Y our better than that.

Honestly you dont need a person like that in your life. :hug:

[pokerfan]

34. Dump him

You're getting played. And I think you know you're getting played.

People that care about other people don't treat them like that.

[MissHoneychurch]

35. Oh yes I know

and I told him that. Of course he denies it :eyes:

[LynzM]

36. Run the heck away from this guy....

Bad news all around. Games, and more games, and excuses, and no consideration for you as a person, never mind in a relationship. Just my two cents, of course :) It's always easier to say this kind of thing from the outside!

Men. Bah. :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

37. I kew it was a mistake to talk to him yesterday

why is it so f* hard to find a good man?

[LynzM]

38. I don't know if this will get lost in translation....

"There are harder things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jello to a tree, for instance."

:rofl:

Seriously, though, I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment. I wish it were easier to help good people find other good people!

[tjdee]

39. If he really "loved' you, he wouldn't have made you wait 10 days.

Miss Honeychurch, is this the same guy we talked about before? Don't remember.

Anyway, you sound like you know you don't need this loser, so I'll just agree with everyone. It's funny that he's now saying he loves you--after making you wait 10 days to hear from him. The whole thing would have been a quick fix, he could say his son was in the hospital for a few days and he stayed there. But that he can't come up with an explanation? Come on, LOL!

I'm sure he'll keep trying... and if he persisted for a few weeks I might go out with him one more time...but the first, and I mean the FIRST time he didn't call me back/call/act like he liked me, that would be it.

[MissHoneychurch]

42. Yes it is the same guy

and I am getting more and more to the point that I don't want to give him another chance. I really doubt he will change. He was like that before, he will be like that in the future.

[Brewman_Jax]

40. Hmm, not talking

not good, but not the total end of the world IMO. If you wish to end it, I understand. If you want to see if he'll be an adult and talk, I can see that, also. Based on the above, I suggest that you leave this guy so he can grow up.

[MissHoneychurch]

43. I think that is the best

letting him grow up - without me. I need a man, not a child.

[mikeytherat]

41. Just. Walk. Away.

Life is too short for emotional "games" -- manipulation is manipulation, and it sounds like this guy is definitely "keeping his options open" while expecting you to be his backup, his booty call, or his doormat.

Not all guys are manipulators and emotional users; true, they have been hunted to near extinction, but they are out there! Just keep the faith (love!).

mikey_the_rat

[MissHoneychurch]

44. I spent the last years with guys

who thought it is fun to play emotional games on different levels. By now I learned my lesson (I hope).

[philosophie_en_rose]

45. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it's still suspicious.

If his son was really sick, I think it's forgiveable to not call for 10 days. It depends on the severity of the sickness. Maybe he got sick too or was too worn out from caring from his son.

Maybe his later behavior is just a misunderstanding or he's under stress.

However, it seems a little suspicious that he wouldn't explain himself to you. How hard is it to leave a message saying "Son really sick. Sorry can't phone right now."?

His jealousy could be taken as a sign that he really likes you, but his thoughtlessness is a big fat warning sign that he could be more drama than he's worth.

[MissHoneychurch]

46. His son had a fever

but not for 10 days.

And as you said, I also think telling me I can't come because his son is too sick shouldn't be too much of a problem. Esp. if you tell that person a day before that you love her.

And I told him more than once before that I can't deal with his thoughtlessness. And he did it over and over again. And New Year was the last straw for me actually and I walked away.

[bridgit]

47. but...i thought the "excuse/explanation" was in the text mess about...

his son in the hospital :shrug: although i'm not so sure it mayn't have been a big deal; unless you're suggesting the event was setup by a 3rd party to lure him out from under you. it could otherwise be the case that a family matter would call for the turning off of phones & contact for some time so as to concentrate on that moment and event sequence.

but what do you mean he can't "really" give you an explanation? or do you mean he gave one it was just one which you didn't wanted to hear?

my stock response is, 'never say no to love', begs the question though; is it love?

[MissHoneychurch]

49. He couldn't give an explanation

why he didn't contact me for 10 days straight (his son was in hospital a couple of days the most as I understood it). But after that. He said he had other things on his mind. And that is no real explanation for me.

And the way he acts towards me isn't love for me. I mean love means to me you include the other person in your life. Day by day and not only when you feel like it.

[bridgit]

50. then honey you just need to go all flat on his ass and give a look...

at your better angel from a distance; otherwise, and i don't have to tell you, but most all men love us sitting all homey on our couch breathing in the scent of our hair while drinking our wine and peeking at our crotch...

i suppose that's part of why we love them :shrug:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

48. You're better than that.

That's all that needs to be said. :hug:

[gmoney]

52. He's a player...

...you're getting played. He can be sweet and kind and fun when you're together, but that doesn't mean he's not a player. In fact, if he seems to good to be true, he probably *IS* playing you with a lot of smoke and mirrors.

With players, it's basically a point of pride to see how much bullshit a woman will endure and then still take the guy back for one more roll in the sack.

MHC, I think next time, you need to date a grown man, not an overgrown boy. Either that, or go in expecting to be played, and give as good as you get.

Next time will be better...

:loveya: MHC :loveya:

[calico1]

53. I've been where you are.

And unfortunately didn't learn the first time. My experience was it never gets better. Do what I should have done--cut and run.

[wildhorses]

54. I do not like the sound of this.

There are red flags all over the place. He is already telling you he loves you yet you do not know where he lives? No updates on his son? Cell phone off? No reactions to your messages? This is his idea of love? I think you should leave him where you found him...

[GOPisEvil]

57. I agree with those that believe he is married or otherwise involved.

I'm sorry, and I hope I'm wrong, but he sounds like a bad guy. :(:hug:

[AlCzervik]

58. i don't like it, imo he's treating you with no respect.

he's not worthy of you.

[lukasahero]

59. "Rather accusing you of having another man since you didn't answer."

Your answer is right there. This guy's an abuser. Get out now.

[Montauk6]

60. Oh, no-brainer, he's history; no explanation needed.

Strike 1: He cuts himself off from you.
Strike 2: He starts accusing YOU of being a hussy.
Strike 3: He won't (forget this "can't" nonsense) explain the cutoff.

Shutout, end of inning.

[Wapsie B]

61. He says he loves you on the first date?

That alone would send warning signals to me, big time. Take it from a guy who's given his heart away way too easily in the past. No frigg'n way with this guy Miss Honey. Get out and don't look back. You deserve WAY better than this.

[realisticphish]

62. I'm not so sure he's a player

He may just be emotionally immature. Sometimes people just can't behave normally with a member of the opposite sex; they're confused, or have self-esteem issues.

Either way, get out. It's not healthy for you to have to deal with all that. He probably needs a therapist, and that's not your responsibility.