Telemarketer defense: How do you answer the phone?

[Richard Steele]

I have spent a few years perfecting my system;
I kinda had to, since my sweetie owns this house
and she said 'no' to my BRILLIANT answering-machine ploy...

When the phone rings, I answer in spanish, in my bestest, sexiest tone of voice:
"Hola, casa de Smith" (not her real name)

If it's a telemarketer, I continue with the Español: "Lo siento, no está aqui".
And then they usually quit and hang up on me.

Every once in a while, I get the real PAYOFF:
a telemarketer hears my "hola", and starts their speil in spanish.

And then, I keep the 'Barry White' voice, but I switch to my John Cleese impression:
I let them go until I hear a long pause,
and I say "I'm sorry, I don't speak Portugese"...(Pwayer-t'you-geeze)


So, what are your favorite ways to have fun with the telemarketers?

[democracyindanger]

1. Depends

If it's a consumer survey, I interrupt right away and tell them I work in advertising which disqualifies me (both true). The bonus is that it removes me from their database.

If I'm bored enough and there's nothing on TV, I act like an elderly shut-in, lonely for attention and start talking about how I didn't have a phone when I was growing up.

But usually I just say, "Not interested" and hang up.

[Richard Steele]

13. Ooh, I like your "elderly shut-in" idea!

There's some fertile ground for making THEM desperate to disengage with ME!
Plus, I can work on a new "grumpy old curmudgeon" impresion!

I once got "hoist by my own petard" with my fake "spanish accent" routine;
The caller was doing a genuine GALLUP SURVEY that I cared about answering,
so I was forced to spend 15 minutes trying to give serious, well-informed answers
to important questions....in my fake Mexican accent.

But that only happened once, so far...small price to pay, IMO!

[petronius]

2. I usually just hang up when I hear the pre-operator dead air

But your method is far superior! :toast: However, I think I would bust out laughing before I could get to Portuguese...

[trof]

11. Bingo

[HEyHEY]

3. "Not interested" Click

[LSK]

5. thats what i do too

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

6. Me too. BUT...

Sometimes, just sometimes, they're idiot enough to call again: "but sir, I need to talk to you about..."

THEN, the psycho in me takes over.

[FuzzySlippers]

20. Just tell them you don't speak Portuguese.

:D

[HEyHEY]

4. Another good way "oo, you have a sexy voice..what's your name?"

[democracyindanger]

9. That happened to me in reverse

True story. I was in college and answered my home phone. The caller was from ARC or Goodwill or the like, calling to see if I had anything for pickup. I said I didn't, and then the woman asked me how old I was, and how I had a great voice. Creepy.

[cynatnite]

7. I hand the phone to my six year old...

he'll ask a million questions until they can't take anymore and hang up. Works every time :)

[peekaloo]

8. Just keep saying hello...over and over and over.

[bigwillq]

10. Caller ID

if it's a name or number I don't recognize, I don't answer it.

[HEyHEY]

12. Speak of the devil...just got one now

[Rabrrrrrr]

14. I went cell phone only; but even still, if I don't know the number,

I don't answer the phone. And even when I had a land line without caller ID, I simply didn't answer the phone most of the time, and let the machine have it.

I am not at the beck and call of anyone, and if I don't feel like answering the fucking phone - and I almost never do - I don't.

[Roon]

15. My Favorite thing to do with telemarketers

is to tell them that they called a cell phone. It makes them hang up quickly!

[azmouse]

16. Get on the Do Not Call list.

If you only say that you are not interested the telemarketer will keep calling back because the next time you might be interested. You need to tell them to remove you from their calling list. Then if they call back you will have the right to sue if you so chose.

www.donotcall.gov

[Richard Steele]

17. So how would THAT be any fun? nm

[Shine]

18. we pretty much screen all our calls via Caller ID and the machine

:thumbsup:

[China_cat]

19. Ask them if they really want to sell something

to someone who is home in the middle of the afternoon. When they go 'wtf', I ask them if they don't think that somebody would be at work if they had a job and if they didn't have a job, they couldn't afford whatever it is being sold.

Confuses them terribly.

[Richard Steele]

24. I always wonder about that! How STUPID are they????

We NEVER get the eveng calls, during the hours when
people with JOBS might actually be home-
They call between 11am and 3 pm, and then ask me if I am
a 'decision-maker' for the household.

GEE, do ya THINK?

The fact that I am actually HERE to take your call
in the middle of the workday should be a BIG frickin CLUE
that the decisions I have made for MYSELF didn't really work out so well!

You think ANYONE smart enough to become a homeowner is gonna
allow ME to make any decisions for 'the household'?

Yeah, Einstein- I'm sitting here on the sofa at noon on a Tuesday
because I'm IN CHARGE of things around here!

Just like EVERYONE at home at noon on Tuesday, I am TOTALLY
able to buy that vacation time-share yer sellin!
Just let me put on some pants and find my gold card!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Michigander4Dean]

21. DeVos for Governor. May I help you? | nt

[Catchawave]

22. Caller ID/Answering Machine

DoNotCall list helps too :)

[ChoralScholar]

23. I added the three-note 'number disconnected' signal

to my outgoing answering machine message, and then sat back and waited for the calls to drop off. If the computer hears the 'boo-dah-deeep' of the disconnected message, usually it's an automatic remove.

I also sat back and watched my friends quit calling too, because they hated it.


Here's a link so you know what I'm referring to:

http://www.telephonetribute.com/audio/we_re_sorry.wav

[Richard Steele]

26. That was my "answering machine ploy" mentioned in my OP.

Back when I was single, I had a casette-based answering machine.

My "message" was an actual recording of the phone company's message:
"We're sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed...."

My employer, and my small circle of friends knew this, and left messages.
Everyone who didn't know, probably didn't have a good reason
to be bothering me in the first place.

My sweetie won't let me do that here.
She actually has to take calls from strangers sometimes,
so I understand.

I still miss it though.
It was cool.

[alarimer]

25. I don't answer the phone

Everybody that matters knows to call the cell phone. I only keep the landline for emergencies. I also will return calls if someone leaves a message but I NEVER answer it. The telemarketers can go jump off a cliff as far as I am concerned.

[CBHagman]

27. I've given up and let the answering machine take it.

If it's someone I know, they'll try to leave a message. If it's a telemarketer, they might leave a message or might hang up.

I've tried many techniques to extract myself from a phone call, and the only one I can truly recommend is saying kindly, "I know you're just trying to do your job, but really, I'm just not in the market for ____." This is especially easy for me to do with anyone trying to sign me up for a long-distance plan or any telephone service. I have NO interest whatsoever in any sort of change to my phone service, and I tell telemarketers that they will have better luck calling someone else.

[ucmike]

28. i learned it from a comedian

i answer, listen to their pitch for about 30 seconds, then say, "you should talk to my wife about that" then hand her the phone. she listens for about 30 seconds, then says, "hold on, my brother owns the house, he's the one to ask", and hands the phone back to me. we go through several rounds of this. they start the pitch everytime you hand the phone over and you can hear the frustration in their voices. once i hear the frustration i just hang up in the middle of their pitch.

[Richard Steele]

29. Dammit, I think I have JINXED myself by starting this thread!

Back in post #24, I mentioned how I NEVER get evening telemarket calls...

You guessed it. 8:21pm, just got a call from 'Adam' at
the college my sweetie went to.
First evening telemarketer in over 2 years.

Clearly, I brought this upon myself.:evilfrown: