I got sad watching a life insurance commercial on Yahoo

[clyrc]

It showed a father and daughter through the years, ending when the daughter sent her child to sit on grandpa's lap. It reminded me that my dad never liked me much, and now neither he nor my mom like my kids. I know why, they think my girls are too assertive and not respectful enough, too much like their dad in their interests and too coddled by me. Maybe they have a point. My main objective as a parent is to make sure that the fear and uncertainty that have kept me back all my life don't infect them. I want them to be confident and strong, while still being considerate and compassionate, instead of hesitant and unassertive like me.

And of course I wonder, how could my parents not like such delightful girls? My oldest is smart and she has been amazing her father and I since she was born. My youngest is so good with people, and funny, too. It breaks my heart to see the coolness between them and my parents, because of course they know how my parents feel about them.

I try not to think about it too much, but every once in a while it hits me and I get sad.

[driver8]

1. Wow! Your story sounds like mine...

My parents had a son before me who died of SIDS when he was four months old. My mother nearly had a nervous breakdown and, according to my grandmother, doesn't know if she would have made it had I not been born. I was born about ten months after my brother's death.

All my life I have felt like my father never wanted me around...in his eyes I could never do anything right. I have gone over this time and time again in my head and always blamed myself. After feeling like shit for so long I finally got into therapy and learned that it wasn't me -- it was my father and his issues. Still, my self esteem was always low. I made up for this by trying to be the best at everything...on the surface I looked like this very confident young man but underneath I was so afraid to fail.

Now, I have children -- a four year old girl and a two year old boy. I love them more than I have ever loved anyone in my life...they mean the world to me. I sit there and look at them and they bring me so much joy and happiness; the love I get from them is like nothing I have ever felt. I think to myself, "My father had this, and he rejected it. He rejected the love of his child and wanted nothing from me." I just don't fucking get it. I look at my children and I want to hug them and tell them how much I love them and will always love them. My father could not do that.

My father and I have a better relationship now that I am an adult and have my own family. Of course, I live almost 3,000 miles away from him and I am sure that there is a good reason for that. He is great with his grand children and surprises me sometimes. I have a nephew who is sixteen and my father spoils him rotten. He does more with my nephew in a week than he did with me for years. That is a tough fucking pill to swallow.

My children will never go through what I went through. My children will always know how much I love them and know that, no matter what they do, that will never change.

Jumping off the soap box now. I didn't mean to rant for so long, but it is like a flood gate opens up once I get started.