children of divorced parents, please read

[redqueen]

i'm at the end of my rope

i don't even know how to word this

just please...



only kids of divorced parents, please... i need to know... ican't take it any more

[Book Lover]

1. As a child of parents who should have divorced

I think in many instances it's better to make a clean break than to listen to your parents scream at each other over bullshit. YMMV.

[LeftyMom]

2. LK's Dad and I split up in October, although we weren't married

In an ideal world I wouldn't have had to put him through this. As is, it was the least awful alternative, because his father and I didn't really have a relationship anymore, we were just roommates rqaising a kid together and making each other miserable.

Oddly, LK was the same age almost to the month that I was when my parents split. I'm still not sure if that means something.

[Redstone]

19. It's just a coincidence. Trust me. Don't brood on it.

Redstone

[LeftyMom]

28. I'm inclined to think so

The circumstances were very different. My parents broke up because of my mother's substance abuse problem, LK's father and I just had nothing in common anymore.

[Radical Activist]

3. I'm in my late 20's, have no intention of getting married any time soon

and am generally hesitant to get married at all. I don't want to repeat their mistake.
But hey, it happens. Bill Clinton lost a father and if I'm not mistaken his mother divorced his step-father too, I think. I forget. Anyway, he didn't turn out all bad. It probably had something to do with why he went into politics.

[huskerlaw]

4. I don't see why my parents

got married in the first place. They're totally different. The marriage never would have worked. My home life would have been horrible if they "stayed together for the kids."

I wish the circumstances had been different, but everything worked out for the best in the end. I hope I never have to go through it myself, but I definitely understand that sometimes divorce really does need to happen.

[redqueen]

5. i just want to say

that i papprreciatea llt he answers... i hvae to gob tu thank you

[kitkatrose]

6. Kids can pick up on parental problems

and it affects them too. Mine got divorced when I was 5, so I don't remember "the good old days" when my parents were married. And while divorce, even amicable ones, has its own problems, I don't think it's worse than the guilt your kid(s) may feel if they thought that they were the only reason you were staying with someone you don't like at best.

Just my two cents. :hug: If you need to chat, just pm me.

[taught_me_patience]

7. Not a big deal...

but i think the parents should make the effort to live in the same state post divorce.

[fight4my3sons]

8. My parents divorced when I was four.

I can't remember a day in my life when they were together. All of my life that I have memory of they have HATED each other (I am now 33). They did not deal with things well during my childhood. They fought through me, called each other terrible names in front of me, my mother kidnapped me and my father had to hire a private investigator to find me.

As long as you can try to keep it civil for the sake of your children things will be ok. I wouldn't want to be in a house if the two people that were raising me weren't happy. Kids are very perceptive. I still have a hard time dealing with my parents because I am so tired of the nasty talk. I just think, can't they let it go after all these years?

Good luck with whatever you are dealing with. I hope it all works out for the best.

[jpgray]

9. It's possible your kid(s) could turn out like me.

Can you afford to take that risk? :shrug:

It was for the best for me and my brother. The males in our family may only learn after we completely fuck something up, but we learn well. :P

[MissB]

10. My parents hated each other.

It was obvious to my brothers and I. They divorced when I was 13. It was rough financially for us, but the absolute best emotionally.

There really isn't anything like watching arguments between the two people you love the most in the world (Mom and Dad). It just sucks.

[NashVegas]

11. I Swore I'd Never Do It to My Kids

To accomplish that, I never had kids.

My parents' divorce was just as messy as their marriage. If you look up one of those "things NOT TO DO when you divorce" lists, they violated pretty much all of them.

YMMV

[WhollyHeretic]

12. My son's mother and I have shared custody and he is the nicest

most well-adjusted kid you'll ever meet(he is a bit stubborn and I can't imagine where he got that trait from :yoiks: ). I don't think he would be as happy if his mother and I were together and arguing all the time. I'm not saying it's easy by any means but it can be the best option for the child. The ideal case is for both parents to be together but life is not ideal and I think separation is better than a completely untenable situation. It is a very tough situation either way and I wish you and your child the best of luck. :pals:

[miss_american_pie]

13. My parents split when I was in kindergarten

or around there. The only thing I remember of their marriage is fighting.

I promise you, I do not blame my parents for their choices. My siblings and I turned out okay. It's not a decision I would take lightly, but it's not the end of the world, either.

Kids are remarkably adaptable.

[ikojo]

14. My dad was an alcoholic and wife beater

My mom left him because she had to.

I have friends who are divorced and they recognize that the kids have a right to love both parents. For instance, one of my friends lets his EX wife stay at his house whenever she is town. When she lived in town they shared holidays. He is also remarried and has been for almost 20 years. I think their kids are better for it. They can talk freely about both parents in front of both parents.

My mom and dad were incapable of doing such an amicable divorce.

[AlCzervik]

15. my parents split up when i was 5, i still remember them being ugly

to each other and i'm 38. Their divorce should have happened sooner imo and when i talked with my dad he agrees.

[LynzM]

16. Aw, Redqueen....

:hug: :hug: :hug: I'm sorry things are bad right now for you. FWIW, I wish my parents had divorced about 4 years before they did. It's not always better to stay together.

[Redstone]

17. PM me if you need to.

I can't offer an opinion on your poll, because every case is unique.

Redstone

[La Lioness Priyanka]

18. its not the divorce that fucks up kids in my opinion

1. when you are constantly unhappy (like in a bad marriage) you cant possibly focus on your kids...thats a big problem.

2. if you can make the divorce related issues less messy the beter it is for kids(who has what time with the kids, alimony etc)

3. the dating after the divorce. you should make sure whatever you are doing in your personal life your kids still have the lions share of your time and are still your priority

[Redstone]

21. Well said, LP. Well said, indeed.

Redstone

[ghostsofgiants]

26. Bingo.

[fizzgig]

20. i was miserable growing up

i was 21 before my parents divorced and i wished they'd done so many, many years before that

it makes everyone in the house miserable when the parents are fighting

[tjdee]

22. Staying together for the kids is the singular stupidest thing in the world

I feel very strongly about this. If you're going to try to make it work, because you have children and you have a history, and you think maybe you still love each other, that's one thing.

But I am of the mind that staying together solely for the children borders on emotional abuse, I really do. You think those kids don't see you're miserable? Of course they do. If you're so drained mentally, they see that. They feel the effect of that.

And honestly, you are a person. Whose thoughts and feelings matter. How fully can you be living your life if you're feeling this way? If you have fully exhausted every attempt to get your marriage to work, and it isn't working, why do this to yourself (and in turn your children)?

If you have small children, it may be very difficult. There will be tears and anger, but the tears will END, and when they are old enough they WILL understand. Kids do not decide what is best for your family, you do. If both parents can commit to the children, it can work out for the best.

Good luck. :hug: I know it's not fun. My parents got divorced, and it was such a relief for all of us. Really it was. It was an enormous relief.

[ghostsofgiants]

23. It's not so much the divorce itself that bothered me...

It was the fact that my parents were sometimes (and still can be) somewhat petty and self-centered about some shit that really bothered me. I still have moments where I want to punch them both, but I got over it pretty quickly.

[fishwax]

24. I'm glad my parents split up

it was much better for me in the long run. At first there was some difficulty adjusting, but it was not long before I felt it was better.

[Divameow77]

25. I was 5 when my parents split

and it may have seemed like the end of the world at the time. As I got older I realized how much better both mine and my mom's life became because of it.

I am now going through a seperation and my boys are 8 & 3, it's really hard now but I think we will be okay.

[aaronbees]

32. Mine divorced when I was five too...

and I've never held their decision against them. It was difficult at the time for sure but I admire how they both moved on with their lives and found other people to love and things to get them passionate.

Best wishes to you. :)

[Lone_Star_Dem]

27. The only thing worse than the divorce

Was our lives before they divorced.

My brother and I used to envy our friends whose parents had already split up. Their lives always seemed less tense, even if they usually had less things.

Finally our parents decided to tell us they were unhappy, as if we didn't already know, and that they were considering a separation. I never knew how to be quiet and told them something along the lines of how we knew and had been talking about it for years.

Life for my brother and I was much calmer after our parents divorced.

[Nikia]

29. My parents divorcing was bad for me

I was only three, maybe four when it was final, though. Some people think that would make it less traumatic since I was so young, but I think that made it worse. My parents did fight a lot when they were married although I didn't really know how things should have been. I cannot say that it didn't bother me because both my parents report that I tried to intervene and comforted them after fights. It was nice having everyone together and my extended family nearby.
When my parents divorced, my mother moved a distance away with my sister and I. We didn't know anyone there and were watched by a woman who my mother hired to watch us. Even though my parents were apart most of the time, they fought even worse anytime they were together. We were also alone in the new town, without our extended family and father.
We did move back to our hometown. We saw our father most weekends and both sets of grandparents and extended family often. I attended preschool and then elementary school within walking distance. My parents started dating other people. My mother fought with everyone of her romantic partners. My parents continued to fight. We grew up sort of emotionally neglected by our parents.
When I was eleven, my mother married a man who was abusive to her sister and I. They fought all the time from the beginning. They had a child who my sister and I were given the responsibility to take care of. My step father strongly disliked my father and got angry if my mother wasn't hostile towards him so the fighting between my divorced parents was even worse.
My mother threatened to disown me when I moved in with my father when I was 16.
The whole experience of my parents divorcing and its aftermath was something I'd never wish on any child. I don't know how things would have been if my parents had stayed together. As far as I know, it might have been worse. I don't think they, particuliarly my mother, acted in their children's best interests. My husband and I don't have any children yet. It is purely hypothetical what I would do or not do. I would be intent on not letting history repeat itself though.

[Shine]

30. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I survived just fine.

I lived 6 yrs with both of them. 6 yrs with my Mom and then 6 yrs with my Dad. Yes, it was painful and tumultuous at the time. They did not do it as consciously as they could've, but they did the best they could, under the circumstances. Bottom line, I would NOT be the person I am today had they stayed together and I think I turned out OK :) Kids are resilient.

Sometimes it's appropriate to get a divorce, if you have used all other options to avoid it.

Good luck, redqueen. :hug: I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you're getting some counseling.

[Beware the Beast Man]

31. Divorce sucks.

Unfortunately, though, I understand that some have to do it. The fact that my parents split when I was six doesn't bother me as much as the fact that my father became a non-entity in my life afterwards.

[REP]

33. I Wish They Had Divorced a LOT Sooner

It would have been better for them, and for me and my brother.