Did your brother/sister date a horrible person?

[FunkyLeprechaun]

If so, how do you deal with it?

My sister (3 years running now) has been dating a current med student who made a pass at me. She took him back and now tells people that I don't like him because of his religion (he's a Syrian Muslim, my sister's an Irish Catholic). Absolutely. Not. True.

Not only that, whenever my family and I have dinner with her (with her insisting he comes along) he's always late. Last time, it was after she graduated med school, he was 2 hours late for dinner. (His excuse: sleeping)

My dad had the shingles one time and my sister's boyfriend laughed at him and said, "That's a childhood disease."

He ordered me not to order a glass of wine in a Boston restaurant.

For this one, I must note I'm a deaf person. My mother was telling him about a wonderful doctor she knew who was paralysed from the neck down (he became a doctor AFTER being paralysed from the neck down). This doctor is a radiologist (only has to look at the x-rays) but he has a nurse take the blood tests for him since he can't take the samples. My sister's boyfriend, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, said, "Disabled people can't become doctors. It's not fair that I have to work all these years.. blah blah blah."

I used to visit my sister when we lived in a condo and each time (it was just for the weekend) he was there. One time, I just got SICK of him being there, I asked my sister nicely, "Can he go home just for this weekend please?" My sister asked him to go home and he told her, "In Syria, one would never ask his guest to leave, it's a grave insult to a Muslim." And he never ever came back to her condo, using a number of excuses not to visit even when she was the only one there.

It's the exact same thing in her new place, she moved an hour away from him because of her residency, but she always goes down to see him and he BARELY (only 4 times since May) comes to see her. She works really really hard as a doctor right now and she gets stressed out easily and blames it on me and other circumstances, not on him.

If I say something, she excuses it. Her on my dad's shingles: "He's just joking", her on him being late: "He works hard," her on him hitting on me: "it was an accident," her on him telling me not to order wine: "I told not to order wine, not him." On the disabled issue, this takes the cake, my sister actually excused his reasoning.

Right now, I'm almost done with school and living with my sister until I finish. She continues to go down to see him. She lives in an expensive apartment (1,000 a month in Boston) and continually moans about not having enough money. If I say something about her cutting back on visiting him (to save on gas), or having him call her more often (she calls him first all the time), she gets all catty on me.

This evening, I suggested she stay in tonight. Since I go home after a couple of classes because it's a class that meets only once a week, I hinted that she alternate: go on weekends I'm not there, stay on weekends I'm there. She got catty and stormed out. She's an adult, I'm not going to force this on her but I feel that she's making a huge mistake here.

Thanks DU Lounge for giving me a place to rant.

[Kali]

1. Let's just say I'm raising my niece

and a sister of another one has adopted her niece.

[InsultComicDog]

2. My wife's sister married a fundie

and they belong to one of those churches where they speak in tongues and handle snakes and stuff.

Being that I'm a nonbeliever we have some "interesting" family gatherings.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

3. Wow...

My sister's boyfriend absolutely refuses to meet with me because I insult him. How? I don't know.

So it's good that your wife's sister's husband still meets up with you. It's important to keep onto family (however crazy they can be), somehow.

[InsultComicDog]

22. Yeah, I see them once or twice a year

They are, on the surface, very likable people - tall and attractive, that whole family is, polite and friendly - but they're totally wrapped up in their fundie world. They are convinced we're totally wacko and we have similar feelings about them.

[clyrc]

4. It's hard to watch a sibling date a jerk

My sister had a real flair for finding them, including the physically abusive ones. And yet she always defended them! I don't have any wonderful advice. I just let my sister know her relationships were bad for her, and when they ended I did what I could to help her.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

8. I did try to...

when her first boyfriend broke it off with her over the phone. I told her he's not worth the trouble then she took him back. He did it again the second time and I told her AGAIN, and she took him back AGAIN. :eyes:

With this jerk, I did tell her what a jerk he was after he hit on me. She took him back. I feel like she's rubbing it in my face everytime she says he's so nice, he's lovely, look what he gave me, etc. :eyes:

One wonders if people like your sister and my sister are "masochist" and enjoy getting hurt emotionally and/or physically. For my sister, I just jot it down to being afraid of being single. I don't remember her ever being single in the past 9 years (she's now 27). She even had two boyfriends at once.

I wonder if this current one really cares for her... he doesn't visit, he doesn't call first (he only calls after she's left a message). His behaviour matches those of that book, "He's not that into you..." (I didn't buy it but I skimmed through it a couple of times).

Even before that book came out, I only went out on one date with this jerk (and displayed the same clinging behavior as my sister, pursuing him relentesly). I noticed I was sending him AIMs first (after 10 months no less, this was long distance) and I decided to wait to see if he IMed me first and he never did. That was that. I did the "IM test" with my current, and he IMed me first A LOT. That made me happy, we've been together 5 years (he lives in England and I the US, but I'm moving when I'm done with school).

[clyrc]

13. I'm glad you found a good one!

My sister eventually married a fairly nice man and she seems to be happy, so there is always hope.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

20. Congrats!

Thanks for giving me some hope!

[LeftyMom]

5. Yep

She figured it out when he took her to a late night party in a bad neighborhood where there was a lot of underage drinking going on and then took off without her when the cops showed up. The police released her to our mother, who told our father where she was and who she was there with.

When she was allowed out of the house again (several months later, if I recall correctly) she was a new girl and much less willing to put up with bad boys and thier shit.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

11. Wish I could do that to my sis...

but that would be kidnapping! She's 27 and she's an adult.

The most likely scenario is he breaks up with her. When they started to date he badly wanted to go back to Syria and practice medicine. My sister said she wanted to go with him to Syria.

When she graduated Medical school (he's finishing up a Ph.D. and might start (he was supposed to finish his Ph.D. last year) medical school next year) she chose to live in Boston because HE wanted to live in Boston. In fact, she EMPHASISED that he wanted to live in Boston.

When she got all settled in Boston, he decided he wanted to stay in Providence. She now went through some interview processes and is hoping to get into a residency in Providence.

Now that she's finished her interviews, he changed his mind yet again and wants to do a residency in San Francisco.

By the time I heard this.... :banghead:

What is it going to take for her to get the BIG RED FLAG that he doesn't want to be with her?

[LeftyMom]

12. Why the hell can't he just tell her?

Poor girl. Sounds like she's got it bad. :(

[FunkyLeprechaun]

15. Sometimes....

I don't want to sound like I'm full of it. I sometimes think it's because of me. I'm already planning to get married and moving in with a really nice man. My sister said last year that she'd get married before me. I don't know if it was a joke or something.

She's already talking about weddings and engagement rings. And kids. Ugh.

[HEyHEY]

6. At the moment, no - but it's a sure thing

She always date's horrible people.

I mean, always, she's never had a decent boyfriend.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

10. Fix her up with a good guy

I'm itching to fix my sister up with this nice guy (also a doctor like she is). Same interests, down to pets and travel. And my sister's not interested in him, said she was only interested in the scumbag she dates. It's too bad, he's a really nice guy.

There's always someone who's going to be good for your sister and he's going to be right under her nose.

[khashka]

7. Rant away

Your sister is making a huge mistake. This guy is is trash.

Been there, done that. My sister married the idiot. After three years she beat the hell out of him and filed for divorce. I hope your sister doesn't have to reach that point - but it's in the cards.


Luckily she has you - but it's hard to know what to say and what not to say. So stick by her. She's gonna need you. She's gonna wise up and when she does she's gonna need the people who love her and have her best interests at heart.

Meanwhile, you get to grin and bear it :) Not easy, but in the long run worth it.

Meanwhile, feel free to gripe and complain and rant all you want to :)

Khash.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

9. Marriage....

On marriage... she keeps insisting that they're going to get married. She wants his kids.

Ugh.. I can't imagine being an aunt to his spawn (I'm sorry to say that, honestly).

The day I told her he hit on me. What did she do? She goes down and spent the night with him! After he threatened me over IM!

I spent the night crying and all alone.

So if they do break up, I don't know if I want to stick by her. She didn't stick by me that day.

It is tough.

And lucky you. Your sister's free of that idiot. I wish my sister was free of HER idiot.

[noamnety]

14. I think you'd both be happier

if you weren't trying to run each others' lives.

He sounds like a royal jerk, no doubt about that. But you have to just let it run its course. There's no point in telling an adult how much she should or shouldn't spend on gas or phone calls - that's her decision to make. You can sit on the sidelines and secretly be judgmental, but it's HER decision.

Likewise, I am appalled that either of them felt it was acceptable to tell you what you could or couldn't order in a restaurant. That's the sort of stuff I would smack down right away, like he wasn't even there. I wouldn't even argue about it; I'd just tell the waiter I'd like a glass of wine and not even acknowledge him.

On a side note, I don't think you should complain about him not coming to visit enough, especially if you live with your sister right now. Do you really WANT him to visit more? Think about that. Let her visit him, enjoy having the place to yourself. And quit telling her when she can or can't visit her boyfriend. If you don't want to be alone, think about getting a larger circle of friends so you have a support network and aren't relying on her for all your fun.

(brought to you by Cranky Old Lady Productions™)

[FunkyLeprechaun]

17. That's what I do

I try, in her words, to not "stress" her out. I try not to be selfish and sometimes ask her if we could go out on the town (Hey we live in Boston! we're a couple of Irish gals!, she rudely says no, she needs to spend time with him. I'm not here every weekend (alternating between my home state of MN and MA) and I thought it would be nice to spend some time as sisters just this once.

And tomorrow I'm spending time with a good friend of mine on the Cape. We'll have a couple of beers! :-)

And speaking of that, I should ask my friend who's in Boston for a get-together. Otherwise, I don't really want to go out on Saturday night by myself.

[BlueIris]

16. Egh. My sister just got engaged to a, um, er, meh, ugh...

I'm trying to post something nice here. But I can't because he...wouldn't have proposed unless she had agreed to have at least one child for him, doesn't believe a person is worthwhile unless she propagates her DNA, only asked my sister to get married because his religious parents disapproved of the idea that they were "only" living together (and, oh, yeah, if my sister hadn't been willing to get married and get started on that whole having a family thing...NOW, he would have dropped her to continue to "shop around"). ACK. And I think she's only considering going through with it out of a combination of immature "get Daddy" behavior, (my father hates the fiancé's nastiness) and fears of success in her chosen field. So, yeah, no good thoughts from me at the moment. I keep praying that something will happen soon to split them up.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

18. *knock wood*

I'll do an extra knock on the wood for you. I feel the same way about my sister, the "get Daddy/Mommy" behaviour. My mother didn't want my sister and I to date a religious fundamentalist (Muslim/Jew/Christian/(insert one)) because she grew up in Nigeria (saw the beginnings of the radical Islamic state Nigeria became) and lived in Northern Ireland (witnessed the fightings between the Catholics and the Protestants and she survived Bloody Friday).

And of course what does my sister do? She tells my mum that MY MOTHER doesn't know what SHE'S talking about and MY MOTHER should just butt out.

So we butt out and watch her make an idiot out of herself in the process.

[cssmall]

19. Acutally, the opposite is the case with my sibling.

Just can't meet a girl that wants a nice level headed person. I just wish he could have some form of contact with people that was more important than work, at a bar, or at home. But, nice guys finish last right? :sigh:

[FunkyLeprechaun]

21. Yep!

I was actually like that before I met my fiancé. Work or stayed at home, I met a couple of guys but wasn't interested. Then I met my fiancé, the most wonderful man I've ever met, and in the last place I would have thought I would meet a guy. My last relationship (long distance, one date (prom)) was over the internet and I didn't like it. THIS relationship I met him through a book club on the internet and didn't want to pursue an internet relationship for we didn't meet in person. The last relationship I had, I did meet my ex in person before having an internet relationship. After that relationship, I thought Internet relationships/LDRs were for losers and wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship in which my now-fiancé was an ocean away. He pursued me (which flattered me) by first sending me e-roses on V Day (2001) and purchasing a plane ticket to see me for himself. It was love at first sight in an airport terminal.

So I gather your brother's just biding his time, and he'll run into a wonderful girl sometime. Wish my sister was like that, especially NOW since she's a doctor and really doesn't have time for a loser like her boyfriend.