My son's being an ass

[MissMillie]

He left 2 days ago, told me he would be w/ two of his friends and that he would be home later that night. Since then, I received one txt message yesterday that said he would "be home later" and one that said "what's up?"

Saturday morning we went and got our taxes done, did the groceries, had a nice lunch. Then today his friend says that he said we had a big fight and that he needed a couple of days away.

Well, I was only home for the long weekend, he was going to be home all week from school on vacation and then he could have had all the time in the world to himself when I went back to work.

I caught him skipping school last week, and when I laid down the law about what was going to happen as a consequence, this is what he pulls.

Yes, he's 18, but he hasn't graduated from high school yet, so he has to go to school.

I'm his mother. I have every right to set rules and expect them to be followed.

If he wants a landlord instead of a mother, I can do that.... but he can kiss the car I was going to buy him goodbye, and I won't finish paying for his braces, and that band trip is something he'll have to pay for himself. And the rides to work, and to bring his girlfriend over or home.... forget it. Oh and landlords don't do laundry.

$900/month... and cook your own food.

Life is going to be pretty hard w/o your mother, kid.

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. Damned straight. You tell him.

I would charge him rent if he is going to disrespect you as such. It's what I'll do with my own kids when they reach 18 and think they can just fly in and out rent free.

I sucks though, huh? :hug:

[BikeWriter]

2. Hang in there, and refuse to be taken for granted.

[peacefreak]

3. Oh God, I remember those days.

I'm 18, I can do what I want...Stormy times until she moved to NYC (at 18).
I thought she'd last 6 weeks. Six Years later she moved home with a better sense of responsibility. I always believed she was a good human being. It was just no fun going through that time until adulthood. Good luck!

[wovenpaint]

4. I feel your pain.....

24-just moved to upstate NY-at age 19, said he'd rather pay a stranger rent than his mother.
21-junior in college-no job for food, I subsidize
20-at home, I had bought her a car to get back and forth to school- dropped local comm. college, no job, I susidize
NOTE: Still paying car insurance to keep on the road

My unsolicited advice: Do not purchase a car for him.

Good luck, it gets better when they're 22, I'm told.
:hi:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. My dear MissMillie.....

I agree with your assessment of your son.....

DO NOT buy him that car....it would just be enabling him....

Stick to your guns; you know what you need to do to help him grow up!

:grr:

[xchrom]

6. wow -- sorry about that.

that's pretty tough -- teenagers don't know what's in store -- so when they are being loony they have no idea.

well, within reason throw down now and see if you can get his attention.

i wouldn't do that car thing right now -- i'm speaking as a once rebellious male.

well, i'm still rebellious -- just not irresponsible.:)

[liberaltrucker]

7. Tough love works

Kick his ass out soon as he reaches 19.
LTWife and I had to do that. Worked wonders.
After 2 days, the Prodigal was more than willing
to obey the rules. Good luck:hug:

[TallahasseeGrannie]

8. If you let him now

he'll walk all over you for the rest of his life. Now, he might just take off, but he won't walk all over you for the rest of his life! And he'll come back. Hang in there. They grow up.

[liberaltrucker]

10. Welcome back, TG

:woohoo:

[TallahasseeGrannie]

13. Thanks LT

I managed about seven days before a religious post got me!

[Radical Activist]

9. Sooner or later you're going to have to give up on controlling him.

You can either desperately try to hold onto your control over your son and force him to act the way you would like, or you can try to prepare him to be on his own.
You're probably very different from my Mom but you sound like her when I was that age.

[SeattleGirl]

11. Right on, MissMillie!

When my daughter was 19, things came to a head the night she called and said she was going to spend the night with her boyfriend. I said, no you're not. She said, yes I am. And she did. I was up all night over this one, trying to think what to do. Mr. SG suggested making her pay 1/3 of the household expenses/rent, but I couldn't go there. I don't draw many lines in the sand, but on this one I did.

When she came home the next day, I told her she had a choice: she could continue living with us, and abide by our wishes, or, she could move out. I was very calm by then, and I told her I was not kicking her out; just giving her a choice. And since she wanted the priviledges of an adult, she also had to accept the responsibilities of an adult. She chose to move out.

She moved back in for awhile a couple of years later, after she broke things off with the jackass, and I was just fine with that. She's back out on her own, living with the guy she's been seeing for 4 years (who is NOT a jackass), and my relationship with her is just fine. In fact, she says that she thinks it was good that I gave her the choice I did, as she learned a lot from it.

[maveric]

12. I'm in the process of cracking down on my 20 yr old son.

He's not working and when he is the jobs dont last more than 4 weeks. So he stays up late drinking "Monster" energy drinks and plays "World of Warcraft" ALL NIGHT LONG, then sleeps till 4-5 in the afternoon.

I pay ALL the rent here ($1200.00 a month),buy ALL the food, plus utilities AND his cell phone bill.
He thinks he's still 13 years old but wants to be treated like an adult. I tell him that he must act like an adult to be treated like one and at 20, he should be gainfully employed.

The shipyard where I work is hiring trainees. They train them for a trade and pay them($12.17 hr) for going to school on site. He tells me that he doesn't want to hurt his back so he wont apply there. EVERYBODY who works there has a sore back, dammit! SHIT! Free schooling, to learn a trade that he'll carry with him for life, plus he gets a paycheck while training and he's concerned about a sore back?!

He's a good kid but I am not making things comfortable for him here, telling him that if he's not working he's going to be the maid and dishwasher at home. And I'm not paying him a dime for it either.

If he doesn't like it here he can move in with his Mom, which he doesn't want to do. I am also telling him that in a couple of months that I'm moving out of this apartment and getting my own place at the beach, AND I'M NOT TAKING ANYONE WITH ME!

I may have to do a tough love thing and put him on the street for a while until he gets his shit together and motivates himself into adulthood.

Whats with kids these days?

[AirmensMom]

14. Oh, boy ...

I sure hope you don't buy him that car. Sounds like you do too much for him already.

I stopped doing my kids' laundry when they were 12 and 14. Funny story ... I made them follow me to the laundry room with a notebook and pencil so they could write down all the instructions. The older one was very put out! She said she was going to call "the child abuse people" when we were done. So I told her I'd be glad to dial the number for her. She gave it up. A week later, she didn't want anyone to toss anything in with her load. We all had cooties. But I never did her laundry (or her sister's) again.
:rofl:


Good luck, MissMillie. :hug:

[Karenina]

15. BWHAHAHAHA!!!

Get a handle on it NOW, if you can (maybe it's mommy karma) cuz 21 is SO MUCH WORSE...

[Heddi]

16. whoah. My mom would have killed me

When I turned 16 and was able to work, I did. And I got paid every 2 weeks and I paid $100 a month. It didn't break me but it gave me an early lesson on budgeting and responsibility.

Oh and by the time I was 8 I was doing my own laundry. Oh, the joys of being the only child of a single mother who worked 3 jobs.

He's living under your roof. He lives by your rules. This isn't about "controlling him" (as another poster suggested). This is about setting rules and expecting them to be followed. If he lived in an apartment, his landlord would have rules (a lease) that he'd be obligated to abide by or he'd be out on his ass.

Set him straight. By being an adult he has certain responsibilities and obligations. If he wants to live like he's on his own and in his own place, then let him pay his own way. Don't cook his food. Don't wash his clothes. He wants a ride to work--better hoof it or take the bus. No bus in your area? I'm sure there are taxis. Taxi's too expensive? See if he could treat a friend like he treats you and get free rides to and from work.

He wants to be all mister big and grown up adult? Fine. TREAT him like one. That means being an adult ALL THE TIME--not just when he's in the mood for some half-assed attempt to scream "But I'm grown up. I can do what I want to do." And respond that *YOU* can do what *YOU* want to. He's not a child and is not dependent upon you for food or clothing or all those other things that 8 year olds require.

Being an adult isn't limited to going out and coming home when you want. Being an adult means

paying bills
making money
buying your own food
cooking your own food
buying your own clothes
washing your own clothes
getting your own job
getting yourself to and from your job

So does he REALLY want to be an adult? Or just when it suits him to be rebellious?

My mom took no shit from me. When I was 17 and Oh I'm Miss Grown Up, she showed me what grown up was. She took my paystubs and figured out a quite nice "Adult" budget for me. Paying 1/2 of the rent, 1/2 of the water, 1/2 of the electricity. Oh, and I better find a way to get myself to and from work and school. Oh, my job doesn't pay me enough to pay for all of that? Better get another one. HEre's one I found in the paper for you. You can work this one on weekends, 10 hours a day, and the after-school job the other 5 days a week for 8 hours. That's not enough? How about paying for your own car insurance? How about buying your own school supplies. Got Sickness? Get a doctor.

It was a real life lesson for me. I thought shit just fell off trees and into our laps. Sometimes you have to play hard to get their attention. Remember--he's 18. He's invincible. He knows everything there is to know right now. Don't try to teach him anything. He knows it all. He'll never be older. He'll never be different. He's a MAN by god, an honest to goodness GROWN UP MAN. He's 18 for god's sake :eyes:

:happy that I'm far enough removed from teenagerhood to not be associated with those vile years, but still close enough to remember what assholes we were at that age:

[AirmensMom]

17. Great post, Heddi!

You learned your lessons well. :bounce:

We were pretty tough on our kids, but it was worth it. We wouldn't let them get their driver's licenses until they could buy their own insurance policies and cars. We would drive them to and from work, though. So, they saved their money and got cars and insurance policies on their 18th birthdays. They learned that driving a car means working to pay for it. We live in a town where parents automatically give their kids a car on their 16th birthday, so it was hard. But my girls were really proud of their clunkers. :D

Vile years. :rofl: You got that right! Our girls are human again and we're really enjoying them now. :loveya: