I need advice

[khashka]

I often call people Babe, Sweetheart, Darling.

It's meant to be affectionate.

But I just got a whole bunch of emails saying that I am condescending and patroniziing. Is that true? I need to know.


Khash.

[SeattleGirl]

1. To me, it's a personal preference

If you addressed me in any of those ways, I would not be offended. I mean, I address lots of people on DU, mostly in the Lounge, as "darlin'". And other people address me by sweetie, darling, etc. I think, in fact, that I would not find it offensive if anyone on DU addressed me with any of those types of terms (unless it was obvious they meant it in a mean, sarcastic way).

There are other instances, of course, where that would not be okay (I had a client call me sweetheart once, and I bit his head off for it. He never did it again.)

I guess that if a particular person did not want to be addressed thay way, then respect that. But, I don't think other people have the right to tell you, or anyone else, how they should address another. If I don't want a particular person to address me with a "term of endearment", I will tell them so; but I won't expect them to not address anyone else that way.

[RevCheesehead]

2. who the fuck are these people?

I think you're dreamy, just the way you are, babe. :loveya:

[Deja Q]

17. I was not one of those who replied.

Just to set the record clear.

[barb162]

3. It totally depends on the context of the posts or emails, I think

If it's all friendly, then it's fine to use those terms. But if there's a post that's in disagreement with someone, they could take it as condescending. There is a poster I know who does this when I argue with the poster and I don't like when she does it because I know she is being condesending. And when I do it back to her, she quits it right away.

But most of the time, if you want to do it and you know the people well, just do it. It's your style and personality, right?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

4. You can call me any of those things

anytime. :D

[merh]

5. From you, I personally find it charming.

And I don't think it is condescending at all.

But then again, I am a southern female who is accustomed to the misuse of those words and IRL, I can tell when the words are used in an effort to patronize.

It's all in the tone and it is hard to tell on line the true tones that we mean in our messages.

I have discovered, much to my dismay, that I am often hard to read and my words have caused pain. I'm working on doing better, but I have a long way to go.

From you dear Khashka, I take it as a gift of affection and I thank you! :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. You have never come across as patronizing, or as condescending...

Ever.....to me...

I love it when the people I know, love and respect call me by those terms...

And you fall into those categories for me....

Please don't ever stop talking to me in those ways, OK? It would break my heart if you did......



:hug:

[bettyellen]

7. i'd be fine with it as long as we had a friendly and respectful

relationship. but some gals might have more negative associations with it. if so, they ought to let you know and just forgive the past.
it's a little tricky at work because some people will think they have a pass to do it if they hear someone else do it. in certain misogynistic situations all disrespectful hell can break loose. in that case, i start making other plans.

[NMMNG]

8. It depends

For total strangers it rather puts me off, as it suggests a familiarity that just isn't there.

For people I'm familiar with, in normal discourse I don't see it as a problem, but if the dialogue is a debate it can come across as demeaning (as barb said).

As far as you are concerned, I've never been offended by anything you've said.

[TheBaldyMan]

9. Sweetie, the problem is theirs not yours

I'd consider it idiosyncratic rather than in any negative way. You may come across as camper then pink tent pegs but who cares? Just be yourself.

[tjwmason]

10. Tell me who sent them sweetheart.

I will wreak vengeance for you, my darling. :nuke:

To put it bluntly it's not true, and for anybody to suggest that it is so (coming from you) is complete ignorance and stupidity.

Condescending and patronising are not traits of yours (I'm far better at both than you are). The notion that they are contained within certain words or phrases gives rise to an insane tick-box attitude to decent behaviour, rather than the far more reasonable consideration of intent and how they are received by the person to whom they are addressed.

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. Then you must be calling the wrong people Babe, Sweetheart and Darling.

From friends, it is a term of endearment. I have no problem with my friends calling me something along that line. Now, when one of the three people I have finally forced myself to put on ignore did it...it was something else altogether.

No Khash, you are not patronizing and condescending. Some people refuse to be happy unless they have something to get all up in your face about. Go check out a recent "exchange" I had in the Feminists forum. :hi: :hug:

[billyskank]

13. ...

:hi:

:ghu:

[ScreamingMeemie]

14. Well, how are you feeling, sweetie? I thought about you all day

yesterday and hoped you were back to feeling somewhat human. :hug: :lovyea:

[billyskank]

15. I am well enough to be at work

I will probably be completely well again by tomorrow. I am really touched to know you thought of me.

I :loevya: too. :hug:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

22. Isn't that the truth about people needing to be miserable.

The only time I've ever had someone say something similar to me, she was exactly that kind of person, and she damn well knew that I'm just extremely affectionate.

[billyskank]

12. No!

Never mind what they think.

[mdmc]

16. dude,

chill..call em sweetie...peace!

[swimboy]

18. Lavish the khashka love on them until the prickly sods put you on ignore

they'll none of them be missed, sir. They'll none of them be missed. :loveya:

[Heidi]

19. It doesn't bother me.

I was raised in your general vicinity, and I'm used to it. I even slip a "hon" or "sweetie" into my posts once in a while.

:*

[wildhorses]

20. sometimes it is NOT what is said as much as HOW it is said

I have a gf who says those words...ad nauseum


afterawhile it does grate on my nerves but,


I am sure I have some quirks, mannerisms that grate on her too



com si com sa


wh

[Sugar Smack]

21. Call me Babe, Sweetheart, Darling all you want.

I also like Honey, Precious, Jewel, Sugarlips, and Cookieface!!!! :* :D :toast: :hi: :loveya: :hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

23. You are so adorable you can call me anything you want to.

[KitchenWitch]

24. I think it depends upon how well you know the person

I personally do not think it is condescending at all, but some people may not be comfortable with that level of "familiarity".

[ThomCat]

25. I have not had that impression.

You can call me Babe, Sweetheart or Darling any time. :loveya:

If one or two people have taken offense, take note of those individuals and be a bit less casual with them, but please don't change your personality with everyone else.