Crude But Funny: Ann Coulter Fan Letter

[The Donkey]

Dear Ann Coulter,

I’ve been watching you on TV for a few years now, and my heart just goes out to you. There’s just no need to carry around all of that anger, compensating for your horrible self-esteem by constantly belittling others.


Accepting Yourself Is Hot!!!!

It’s about time that you came to grips with your androgyny. I mean it shows that you put a little effort to try and pass off the notion that you’re female, but let’s be honest – you’re about as feminine as Bee Arthur scratching her chin-stubble while taking a gigantic dump. There’s no need to try so hard so convince people you’re a chick! Oh yeah, and if you insist on continuing to wear those short skirts in public, try tucking things in a little better – I’ve seen your balls on more than one occasion, and they resemble two kiwis that are past their prime.

Have you ever thought about just letting those sideburns grow and coming out to the world by saying that you’re a he/she and proud of it? Think of how jealous both Hannity and Colmes (two sexless wonders themselves) would be if they knew you had the equipment to go out on a hot date all by yourself, and still get lucky? I’d love to be a fly on the wall in the green room after one of those shows, honey.

If you’re at all interested in getting a few tips on how to make the transition as painless as possible, feel free to give me a jingle. I belong to a whole group of people who are both men and women. Consider this an open invitation to attend one of our wonderful meetings! You’ll get to meet all kinds of “bothies” including my pals: Nicky, Dana, Stevie, Dale, Lynn, Drew, Alex, Fran, Tracy, Gene, Lee, Bo, Sandy, Connie, Daryl, Cameron, Blair, Robin, Leslie, Sean, Jackie, and of course, Chris. If you join us, we’ll just call you Andy!

So give it a little thought. These sorts of things are never easy, but I guarantee that you’ll sleep better at night once you become honest with yourself. I know that you’re into committing personal voter fraud, and you can continue doing so as a he/she because you’ll get to check both (or neither) boxes when asked to determine your gender when you register.

Best Wishes,

Promoting Androgynous Tolerance



Dear PAT,

Yeah, nice try. Like I’m going to go on television and let the world know my horrible secret. Do you really think that FOX would allow me on TV if they knew I had a sack bigger than Bill O’Reilly’s turkey-neck? I didn’t think so.


I'm A Man, Baby (well, kinda)!!!

No, I think that I’ll just continue to go on living my life as it is. Sure, I have to be somewhat of a recluse socially, but I’ve used my internal anger to make quite a comfortable living for myself. I own a big house in Florida, and I make boatloads of cash on the lecture circuit, in addition to the profits I make on my poorly researched books and syndicated articles. I also get to go on TV virtually anytime I want. You’d be surprised at the number of letters that I get from fans that find me attractive – it’s almost 20% of the correspondence I receive (the rest is hate mail).

On the rare occasion that I become lonely enough to warrant physical companionship, Bill Maher’s only a phone call away. That guy’s a freak, let me tell you!

You’re right to note that I use anger and bombast as a defense mechanism to keep people at a comfortable distance so that my secret remains safe. But I’m afraid that it’s now the only real option that I have left, given my ascent to the highest pantheons of notoriety. As I’m sure you know first-hand, having both sets of goodies creates a lot of internal conflict that generally turns me off to just about everyone I meet. I guess I just act out in a way to ensure that the feeling is mutual.

I’d say thanks for the invite, but that’s not my style. I’m completely intolerant of any kind of tolerance. So enjoy your life. If being a freak turns you on, so be it. As for me, I’ll continue to wear the short skirts – although from now on I’ll take your advice and tuck my precious jimmies in a little better so that they don’t hang too low.

Reprinted With Permission from The Blue Republic