Need advice on how to deal with my controlling mother.

[nytemare]

I am well into adulthood, settled down, own my own place, own my own car. I have been employed at the same place for 10 years since I got out of the military.

This is the deal. My mother is pretty much retired. I spend time with her, but she gets jealous when I spend time with my friends or my sister. She is ALWAYS prying into my personal business, and pushing me to do things that either I don't think are that important at this juncture, or I simply don't want to do.

She is now pushing me to refinance my condo. I pay a decent chunk above the interest towards my principal every month, so it is not an uncomfortable payment, and my car was rolled into it.

In a few months to a year, I want to buy a new place. I don't want to worry about refinancing my frigging condo right now. So, I told her, "Mom, I know you are looking out for me, but I don't want to do it right now, I will refinance when it is right, or I will just get another place. When you continue to tell me I need to do something after I ask you to PLEASE STOP because it is bothering me, it CONTINUES to bother me. Please try to put yourself in my shoes and understand that from my point of view, it seems like you are trying to control my life." So, she said she doesn't understand why I just don't refinance when I could save 200 dollars a month, blah blah blah. I ask her if she even heard a word I said to her, or if she cares that it really is starting to upset me. She goes on about interest rates going up.

Thing is, she has the same type of loan I do on her house.

It is getting to the point where I am just going to have to stop doing things with her for bits at a time so she starts to realize that she is bothering me. I really don't want to do that, because it is a short life, I will feel bad, and she is my mother. Almost every time I talk to her, she starts with a list of stuff she thinks I need to make a priority. And she digs in with it like a chigger. I try to ask her to stop, she hangs up saying, "never mind, we can't discuss anything anymore without you getting angry".

I don't know what to do. She is the same way with my father, who works long, hard days driving a truck. Soon as he gets home, she is nagging at him to get stuff done. The man is older and he needs to rest.

Any advice on a diplomatic way to approach this is greatly appreciated.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

1. I stopped talking to my mom for a while...

I let her call me. A lot of times I don't pick up the phone. My mom was the same way. I finally told her if you want to ever talk to me again, you really need to back off. Our relationship since she bitched and moaned about my wedding not being on a sunday, then my disinviting her and going to the court house to get married has not been the same. I don't trust her and I don't like being around her that much. Luckily, I have incredible in-laws who are excited to have a daughter, since they only had two sons. I'm sorry your mom is like that. But You may just have to distance yourself from her and if it comes down to a confrontation, telling her to back off may be the only option.
Duckie

[nytemare]

9. I am sorry it got so bad for you.

Sounds like encouraging other outlets for her and small breaks from her if she keeps it up may be the best approach.

Emotional blackmail is not pretty.

[astonamous]

2. Sounds to me like your mom needs a new hobby.

You might try easing her into some type of activity like volunteering (evenings) at a soup kitchen or something like that. You will have to work on convincing her how good she is with people and how much they really need the help (which they do). Even if it's only a couple of hours a couple of nights a week, you and your dad will get a break.

Trudy

[nytemare]

4. She needs a hobby and friends.

She is pretty much retired, works a bit at home. She has some friends, and I really wish she would call them to do stuff on the weekends. I shouldn't have to feel guilty if I want to spend time with my sister and nieces. She should be happy her kids get along so well. Thing is, I do feel guilty. It all feels like emotional blackmail.

It is my hope she would get a little more interested in using her computer to connect with friends who have like interests, because I don't really share the interests.

That is a good suggestion. I will try it, but I am not sure if she is the volunteering type. I tried to get her to volunteer with me for the Kerry campaign, but she wouldn't. Well, we don't know if we don't try, though.

:hi:

[noamnety]

14. That was my first thought as well

she needs a hobby or some volunteer work to do - something she has control over, besides you. Maybe the time you spend with her could be at a soup kitchen, so even if she's driving you a little nuts, at least you know you're doing something important during that time, not just sitting there wishing you had earplugs and a sedative.

Getting her involved in an online community also sounds like a great idea. If she has a computer, maybe you can find a forum you think she'd like and email her a link to a discussion she's likely to get involved in.

(I'm ashamed to say my second thought was to get an obnoxious sounding buzzer and buzz it in her face everytime she starts nagging.)

[nytemare]

17. LOL about the buzzer

My father used to do the "Miss Othmar" (Charlie Brown's teacher) noise at her when she would nag at him. It was pretty funny.

[sandnsea]

16. Yep, let her go fix somebody else, hehehe

Seriously, that does sound like the problem to me. Mom doesn't know what to do with herself anymore. I bet a day or two a week of volunteering might just give her the purpose she's been missing.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Egads; if your dad has allowed her to be this way for so long,

i am quite doubtful that there is any chance of her changing.

All you can do is change your response to her when she does these things, and you can take that in whatever way makes sense to you - ignore her, cut her out of your life, grin and bear it, etc.

It's a tough situation - you want to spend time with her, but the time you spend wirth her is intolerable and/or frustrating.

I will say this, though: I came to the very liberating realization many years ago that just because someone is your mother, or father, or a relative of any kind, does not mean that they have any kind of intrinsic moral right to your time or your presence; we, as human beings, are important and valuable enough that we shouldn't have to spend any time at all in any relationship that isn't rewarding, beneficial, or otherwise enjoyable; and that we, as human beings, need not suffer any guilt whatsoever for shutting ANYONE out of our lives who is not providing a healthy relationship with us, or for changing the conditions of any relationship so that it IS a healthy one.

[nytemare]

6. You have quite a few points, there.

When I spend time with her, I get this underlying feeling that she does not approve. She will comment on my clothes, my cowlick sticking up, etc. It feels as if she is so incredibly concerned with image, and I really am not.

I have a very rewarding job, and I feel I have done well with my life. I feel very lucky. It has taken a lot of hard work to get there. These are the things that I am concerned about. It has been a good life. I love my family, love my job. That is what matters. Not if I refinance my house or get my roof fixed when she wants me to.

It is as if she feels it is intrinsic upon my father and I to provide her with happiness. What I have learned is, that NOBODY can make you happy but yourself. If it is not within you to be happy, you cannot expect others to fill that void. That is what she does. She absolutely cannot place herself in my Pop's or my shoes and see things from our perspective. Once, driving in the mountains, she pestered me for an hour that we should have driven the other way. She keeps on and on and on, she just would not quit. I just yelled, "Mother would you leav me the fuck alone and shut the fuck up! I am trying to drive on a two lane road around a Fucking mountain, and your nagging is NOT FUCKING HELPING!"

My father is the saint of all patience. Occasionaly, he can't take anymore, and yells like I did in the car.

You are right, though. It may just come down to not spending time with her in bits if she continues to bug me.

Seems there are no easy answers. The easiest would be for her to take me seriously when I ask her to please let something go. But, I don't see that happening.

[July]

11. It's a very tough situation.

I've been dealing with something similar for years now. I'm at the point where I do what feels comfortable for me, even if it makes her unhappy, because I've learned that I'm not the route to her happiness, and it's a fool's errand to try to be that. Much as you wish for her happiness, you can't give it to her, because the problem lies within her.

Sometimes you have to be "selfish" because her priorities are destructive to the happiness of others -- perhaps not just you but other members of your family, as well. You can still feel pity and sympathy, love, and concern for her, but you have to be able to stop or slow down the negative behaviors and effects. NOT EASY.

Sometimes, as you mention above, it involves a little distancing. For people like this, that sometimes gets them to tone it down, though it's my belief that it's extremely difficult to get them to change. You have to clarify in your own mind where the limit is -- what you will accept and what you won't. I came close to hanging up on my mother recently (something that is so against the unwritten contract of respect we "children" hold toward her) because I could not accept her harsh and unkind attitude towards my brother's girlfriend, and though I'm much closer to my mother than to the girlfriend, it pained me greatly to see her being so unfair and so unkind. Sometimes you have to hold the mirror up, and if it doesn't work, accept that your relationship will be strained.

PM me if you need moral support. I've got years of dealing with this behind me.

[nytemare]

19. TY July.

I have been frustrated lately because I am having memory problems, and I am not sure why. I suppose these frustrations are compounded when she starts reading her version of what my "to do" list should be.

I spoke to her a little earlier tonight about the refinancing deal, and basically asked her if she would please just let it go. From previous actions, I doubt she will. Thing is, it is always something.

It seems that drawing a line in the sand, so to speak, is what I need to do.

TY again everybody for your responses.

[Flaxbee]

5. has she always been like this? or is it kind of new?

and how old is she?

She might be starting to deal with some aging problems - senility, maybe forgetfulness or Alzheimer's. My mom got much more tenacious before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and some of it was just her way of trying to exert control over her increasingly fragmented mind. But, even before that she'd dig in and never let go. Once I went away to college I really saw how difficult she was, and pitied my dad and began to understand why he was rarely around (and when he was, he was so sedated by valium he was barely communicative).

They're separated now, it was the only way he got some peace.

I don't deal with her as much b/c I now live across the continent from her. But I think you do need to just shut her out more - explain that she needs to back off, or you will be withdrawing from her company. Tell her she can call you or visit or whatever any time she wants so long as she doesn't harangue you about your life, but as soon as she starts on her list of things you need to do, you're going to either hang up, leave, or ask her to leave.

That, plus the suggestion of maybe finding her something to DO will help. Maybe the volunteering, maybe you want to do something and can ask her advice. Some of it sounds like misplaced mothering - she wants to help, you're her kid, but she can't be constructive about it. You can maybe channel her energies into something where she's helping you w/o nagging you. Or maybe go to movies together, then just drop her off back at home. Spend time with her where you don't have much time to talk.

It's difficult, I know.

[nytemare]

7. Thank you for your response.

You have many constructive ideas, as well.

She has always been like this, but much more so since she is not working full time. It is hard because I have found in the last few years that I really don't share many interests with her. The Redskins seem to really be it, and football season is over. She really needs to find folks that like to talk about the same things she does. She feels insulted when she starts talking, and I can't feign interest for very long. I am just not very into material things, or office gossip. I just can't talk for hours about what she got shopping and what a good deal she got. This is the job of a friend with like interests. I am sure they are out there.

Thanks for the advice!

:hi:

[proud2BlibKansan]

8. I don't know if this will make you feel better

But my mom is a control freak too. Or she used to be. She has dementia bad now and doesn't remember where I live or when she last saw me.

I would take the control freak back in a heartbeat. She used to drive me batty but boy do I ever miss her now.

[nytemare]

10. My grandmother had Alzheimers

It is sad to see someone you know turn into almost a stranger.

I fear that happening to me, and my mother, so, I don't want to be too aggressive in my approach to her. I don't want to be hurtful to her, I just want her to understand that she is upsetting me, and that it should not be ok, if she loves me, to continue to upset me.

My heart goes out to you. It is hard to deal with a loved one suffering like that. Hospice took care of my Grandmother, and they were a gift from above.

:hug:

[proud2BlibKansan]

12. Love her while you can.

She's doing her best to love you in the best way she knows how. :hug:

[riderinthestorm]

13. First, you need to get over feeling guilty that she is bored

You don't have to let her into your life to this degree!

Call her every Sunday evening (or whatever day you select), and STICK WITH IT!!!

Don't let her dictate your responses or schedule anymore.

If she says "never mind, we can't discuss anything anymore without you getting angry", and hangs up... Then you need to let her hang up and you need to tough it out until next Sunday eve.

Her craziness is NOT your problem!!! Move on. You have a right to be honest with your emotions and, as an adult dealing with an adult, she needs to respect those.

It sounds as though you are stuck in that middle, wierd transition between being a semi-adult (like a college student) and a full-fledged adult. Jayzus, since she's obviously really wanting to still treat you as a baby, it will be up to you to re-iterate over and over that you are an adult with your own life-decisions now.

You need to complete the separation nature intended and let your mom move on and become someone whose life doesn't revolve entirely around you. This isn't a bad thing. It is normal.

Good luck.

[nytemare]

18. I am actually in my early 30's.

Maybe I should have specified how "well into adulthood" I am.

I think encouraging her to go online and use chat groups, etc, may be helpful. The woman has friends, she needs to talk to friends about some of the stuff she likes to talk about, and not feel insulted because my interests are not the same.

She has a huge cross she needs to lay down in this, I am sure if I need to distance myself, she will be holding it up for all to see.

TY for your response!

[Floogeldy]

15. Control her back.

:)

[nytemare]

20. I don't wanna.

:D

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. My mother used to be like that toward me

and one of my teaching colleagues said, "My mother was like that until she took up with her boyfriend."

At the time, I laughed, because despite my best efforts, my mom never went anywhere except the grocery store, resisted all my efforts to get her involved in outside activities, and seemed to think that it was my job to make her life interesting.

But do you know what? She met up with an old flame, and as my teaching colleague had predicted, became so much easier to live with... :-)

[mykpart]

22. I am 58, my mother is still living, and she is the same way with me.

You cannot change your mother - you can only change the way you react to her. Don't bother arguing with her. You can try changing the subject or laughing at her when she starts in, but what I do is avoid my mom so that when I am with her I can manage to let her remarks roll off my back. And I tell her almost nothing about what goes on in my life. She can't criticize what she doesn't know about (and it's none of her business, anyway). Sometimes I make things up, just to shut her up. For instance, tell her you did refinance your house, and now your payments are worse! She plays with your head, why not play with hers?