My uncle is dying.

[libnnc]

It's cancer that has spread to his bones. I haven't seen him in over 15 years. He is my late father's younger brother and had a career as a very successful country veteranarian. He's estranged from his daughters (it's sad and complicated, he was abusive to them when they were young). I'm planning a trip back home with my partner and I want to make time to see him. My partner's sister died of cancer just last year so I know that my uncle doesn't have much time left. I know, after what we've been through with my partner's sister, that I have to have some kind of closure with my uncle. He knows he's dying and he's a very pragmatic man. I just don't want to be a blubbering idiot when I see him. He was a cruel man to my cousins when they were kids and they have every reason to be angry with him but for some reason I feel sorry for the man. He's been the last connection I've had to my father and it will be so sad to say goodbye to him. If I don't make time to see him now I'll never forgive myself.

I just needed to express these thoughts. That's what DU is for.

[kiraboo]

1. I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle.

It probably wouldn't be the worst thing to be a blubbering idiot when you see him, but I think you'll be strong. And you're right about closure... even when it's terribly painful it's still important to grab the moment if you can, and spare yourself the worst regrets later. I wish you well.

[libnnc]

2. Thank you, you're very kind.

I feel guilty having not seen him in so long but I also don't want to ignore my cousin's legitimate anger towards him. He screwed up his relationship with them but I don't think I should punish him for it now that he's dying.

[Swede]

3. What a sad story.

What a sad life for your uncle. Good luck to you.

[bigwillq]

4. Just terrible news.

I am sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong.

:hug:

[libnnc]

7. Thank you.

Kind words. :hug:

[riona]

5. i admire your kindness

O8)

[libnnc]

9. Thanks

:hug:

[johnnie]

6. I'm sorry to hear this

Please take care.

[libnnc]

10. thank you

:hug:

[UrbScotty]

8. My love (nt)

[libnnc]

11. Thanks

:hug:

[mvd]

12. Very sorry

I hope you can make some kind of peace. :hug:

[Crazy Guggenheim]

13. Sorry to hear that. Good thoughts to you.

[libnnc]

16. Thank you.

:hug:

[xmas74]

14. Sorry about your uncle.

Sounds like we are in similar boats. My uncle had surgery on Friday and on Sunday he had what they suspect is a major stroke. They don't give him very high odds right now.

[libnnc]

15. sorry to hear about your situation

:hug:

[xmas74]

22. We'll both make it through.

What else can anyone do?

[OhioBlue]

17. Best thoughts for you.

A very difficult situation, but you have an admirable position. I understand not wanting to minimize your cousins' legitimate feelings, but recognize your own for closure and the feelings of a dying man that must regret much of his life.

The passing of your partner's sister must make it all the more difficult. I think you are much stronger than you realize.

:hug:

[libnnc]

20. thank you so much

:hug:

[Wcross]

18. My Uncle died of Liver cancer at 54.

My cousins have made most every holiday party my mom and dad have thrown to stay in touch with the family. You say he was abusive- I take it not sexually? Just mean? That is his cross to bear at this point in his life. If his kids don't see him before he dies, it doesn't mean you can't.
Just go and visit, talk about your father and try to learn more about your dads childhood. Tell your Uncle you love him as your fathers brother, comfort him. There is no sense holding his past against him as he dies. He knows what he did.

[libnnc]

19. thanks for your thoughts

My uncle was hot-tempered when my cousins were little and he could be pretty violent (there was no sexual abuse that I know of). I don't think he knows that I know about it although it was pretty obvious when we were kids. My cousins were always scared to death of him. It's sad to watch a man try to make up for bad behavior.

[Wcross]

24. Well......

It isn't as sad as a guy who won't admit he behaved badly.
The thing is he acknowledges his past- he has tried to repent.
If I were dying I would welcome company that wants to make it a good time for me rather than bemoan the fact I was dying.Some good booze, a cuban & a couple of hours. Time like that is priceless. Don't throw it away.

[Radio_Lady]

29. So sorry to hear about your uncle.

My ex-husband was diagnosed with cancer in March and has four to six months to live.

My daughter flew from Oregon to Vermont last Friday to be with him. Her father and I have been divorced for more than 30 years; she was only three years old when I married my present husband.

There are two estrangements in this family, both of my husband's daughters now disconnected from the family for more than five years. I am sure that this daughter will care about her stepfather perhaps even more than her real father. However, I have encouraged her to try to set things straight between them now that he is facing his demise.

You should go and be with your uncle as much as you can. I have my mother's younger sister who has been helpful in answering many questions about my mother, who died unexpectedly in 1991. I am an only child and I had a very stormy relationship with my parents.

Do it for yourself, and for your uncle.

In peace,

Radio_Lady

[libnnc]

31. Thank you Radio Lady

:hug:

[marzipanni]

21. I wish your uncle's spirit ease in his passage to the next realm

My mom's favorite cousin had breast cancer(two mastectomies, 20 years apart)and eventual metastasis to her bones. She seemed pretty normal,though a bit tired. She spent her last couple days at the hospital and her kidneys shut down and she gracefully died in her sleep.
Have a good visit with your uncle, libnnc.

[Shine]

23. Hearts can be healed even though the body is dying.

I'm a hospice volunteer visitor and I've seen many situations like yours where the great gift of forgiveness is given and much healing occurs. It's a beautiful thing. Keep your heart open.

My best to you...
:hug:

[Redstone]

25. You're a saint.

This guy, from your account, has always been a complete asshole and has hurt everyone who was ever near to him.

But you're going to ease his passage anyway. Notwithstanding the fact that you're doing so partially because he's "your last link to your father," it takes a great deal of moral courage to want to provide him some comfort on his journey out, and I salute you for that.

I wouldn't be able to do it. Hope it goes well for you.

Redstone

[libnnc]

26. Thanks Redstone

I appreciate your kind words. I don't know about the "saint" part--I can be a real pain in the ass when I want to be. You're a great guy and I love reading your posts. Maybe someday we can share a pitcher of cold beer. I'd love to buy you one.

:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

27. I'm very sorry, libnnc.

[libnnc]

32. Thanks Joan

:hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

28. Glad you are doing what you feel you need to do to be complete

with both him and your father. Who knows...in some way your visit may be of support to your cousins as well

[BikeWriter]

30. My sincere condolences...

I've lost close ones recently, too. Tell him you love him. If you need to blubber, do that, too. :hug:

[libnnc]

33. Thanks BikeWriter

Hope you're doing okay.

:hug:

[BikeWriter]

35. Thanks for the hug, Pard.

:hug:

[eauclaireliberal]

34. Yeah bone cancer is pretty much it.

No, I'm not trying to be totally tacky. The fact is, I knew a few folks who have died from it, some of them were people I took care of. What's important to remember is that, despite his past, you are keeping in mind the current situation and being the grownup. Having an escort off this earth will probably be the best gift anyone has ever given him.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

36. Good for you, for doing the right thing.

I hope you and your uncle find peace. And while it's understandable if your cousins don't wish to see him; I hope they forgive him...for their own sakes if not his. :hug: