When you know your partner loves you but Isn't in love with you

[Guava Jelly]

And you know she is in love or at least has feelings for an oblivious coworker.
Is it over..or should I live this lie.. Is being "IN" love as important as loving??.
or should i quit being a P_ssy and just let her have her fantasy's??.
I mean the old Bonnie Rait Line "I can't make you love me if you don't" rings pretty true..
I know she loves me but I think its sort of a love of habit or sort of entrapment on her part..
help me i need a mental enema .. also I may not be able to respond to replies until tomorrow we are getting ready to leave..
Thanks for the input

[billyskank]

1. There is no dichotomy here

"In" love is only infatuation, and it doesn't last. You certainly can't build a relationship on it. Many people mistake this for actual love, which is why so many relationships fall apart. The infatuation fades after some time, and they think they are no longer in "love." Fact is they didn't understand what love was in the first place.

You say you know your partner loves you, but I think that if you were sure of this then you wouldn't be making this post. I don't know what is happening in your relationship so I can't give advice. I'm sorry. :hug:

[Guava Jelly]

3. alot of it is curiosity I think

She has never slept with another man besides me.
And she also has friends that i believe are sort of egging her on.
I don't think i can compete with her girlfriends and "the fantasy"

[enigmatic]

38. Excellent summary

I agree completely.

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. It sounds as if you are in a turmoil.

:hug:

MrG and I ebb and flow. Somedays we are "in love", somedays we are just a "habit" for each other. Did you ever think of sitting down with "her" (I don't know if she is your wife or girl or what) and discussing this. Only she can help you through. :hug:

I hope things get better either/or for you.

[Guava Jelly]

4. I think she is embarassed of her feelings

I mean cheating is what other people do...If that makes any sense.
But I believe she would as she is human like all of us

[miss_american_pie]

5. I think being "in love"

comes and goes in long term relationships.

Only the two of you can answer the rest of your questions, but you need to talk to her.

:hug:

[SoCalDem]

6. I would recommend couple's counseling..and FAST

If her friends are egging her on, and you are having doubts, what you have is an oozing, festering "sore", and it needs tending to..

:hug:

[Guava Jelly]

7. counseling would be great if it would work

I don't believe counseling would make her fall out of love..with this guy..
I cant turn off love like that..and i think she is in love...just not with me

[SoCalDem]

8. But you won't know until you try it.. At this point, it seems as though

you are ready to accept the hurt she's causing you.. That's not healthy..

I have never been to couple's counseling, but we did do family counseling when one of our kids was creating great family havoc..and the way it worked was for each of us to have individual time with the shrink, and then as a group.. It really helped clear the air..

She may be thinking something entirely different from what you THINK she's thinking :eyes:

There's really nothing YOU can DO to make her change her feelings, but YOU would probably feel a lot better if you at least tried to figure out the dynamics of what;s happening in your family.. You are 50% of the equation, and deserve to be included. You should not just have to sit back and wait to "see what she's gonna do"...

[Guava Jelly]

12. Thank you for the sound advice

I have been dealing with this since sept. and this keeps popping up.
I have changed as much as i can paid more attn: to her Flowers, limo's,Lost 50 pounds..
And she still can't love me like i deserve to be loved..
She is very secretive and would rather me not know her feelings..I think the secrecy is a big part of the allure.
I am feeling quite defeated...
and "see what she's gonna do"... is probably my only option right now..
doesn't love suck sometimes.

[gollygee]

9. Maybe she just has a crush?

you sound jealous but I wouldn't get worked up over nothing. I love my husband dearly, would never cheat on him, have no desire whatsoever to leave him, but I still get crushes on other guys sometimes.

Are you sure she feels trapped?

[Wapsie B]

10. Man, do I know what you're talking about.

I'll cut to the chase. Ask her straight out about her feelings for this guy and where she sees it headed. Tell her that no matter what happens you'd like counseling, either to save this thing you two have or to help with the eventual breakup. Trust me, I know where you're coming from. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[kiraboo]

11. I am that woman (not literally - but I live with a man I love but

with whom I am not "in love"). There is no easy answer for you or for your woman. While I believe it's true that, over time, the thrill of new love relaxes into a pattern of comfort and security, it is also possible to find over time that comfort and security are not enough to keep a relationship going. Life is long and people can change dramatically over ten, twenty or thirty years. This is what has happened in my marriage and while I am not making any sudden moves, I am on my way out physically as I have been gone emotionally for many years. I feel guilty about this, but also very determined. I am not happy; I have not been happy. I understand my mistakes and will not repeat them.

[Guava Jelly]

13. If nothing your mate can do will make you truly happy

then you are my girl well not exactly.
Sometimes change is stronger then any love..
I am this close to just saying F_ck it and becoming detatched save up my money and finding someone else who could at least love me for the next 20 years until boredom sets in..
J giels band had it down pat with the song "Love stinks"

[kiraboo]

25. It's true. I don't have a man in the wings, and I think it would be

easier if I did... for me, anyway. You have my understanding and sympathy.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

14. Work on the relationship.

If that doesn't work with MUTUAL effort, get out of the relationship. Life is too short to spend it being miserable.

[Shine]

15. I recommend couples counseling immediately

or, at the very least, go yourself to help get some emotional clarity on this issue, cuz it's big and it is severely messing with your self-esteem and sense of trust.

:hug: My very best good wishes to you both....:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

16. Weren't we discussing this a few months ago?

[Guava Jelly]

18. yes

We are both putting up the happy front..no deep relationship discussions..
I had told her twice on seperate occasions that I want her to be in love with me and she still hasn't answered.
I mean she tells me she loves me..
But the "IN LOVE" part i believe is gone..
And i need to have the "IN LOVE"..I just do

[In_The_Wind]

20. Then I'm truly sorry for you.

I can understand where you're coming from.

But let me give you something to think about for a while:

Is it better to be totally alone without having someone who loves you near your side?

[Guava Jelly]

22. At least being alone I know where i stand

It just sucks @$$ when your believed soul mate falls out of in love..
It almost feels like i am alone now.
..thank you for your advice..

[jukes]

36. joani

had to really think that through.

my answer is "yes, better to be alone than live a partial lie". the pretense of love is mere companionship, and you risk missing the real thing for the comfort of security.

[In_The_Wind]

42. jukes

When you go from earning a good salary to disability checks, it changes things immensely.

[jukes]

43. 'strue

and we do all have to make it day by day.

don't know the OP & gave a flippant answer before, just for fun. no easy answer for the OP's situ.

life has a tendancy to complicate things, & it's sometimes hard to break the shackles. believe me, i know. bills have to be paid, cats have to be fed...



still, there's no greater loneliness than pretence.

[In_The_Wind]

44. again, tis true

I have been recovering from an injury which happened in 1994.
I haven't given up, life goes on. :)
However my life turned into one of being married in name only (mino).
All pretenses were put aside several years ago.

[jukes]

45. J_A

ck PM.

[WCGreen]

17. In a detective novel I was reading....

The guy just said do you love me....

And when the girl hesitated....

He cut her loose....

Said if you have to think about it......

[Wapsie B]

19. Yeah, simple but effective.

No bs, just say it one way or the other.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

21. Indeed, my dear bwa.......

It IS that simple.......

You either love your partner....or you don't!

It ain't exactly rocket science.......

[Wapsie B]

24. And that to me my dear Peggy

is a comfort. To me that's the easiest and most effective way of not letting another person validate you as being a great person or not. If the feeling's not there it's not there. It's only means that the two of you are not right for each other.

[LaurenG]

23. You have gotten some great advice here so I'm just popping in to

give you a hug and say you deserve to be loved and adored. :hug: :hug: :hug:


spelling

[debbierlus]

26. My advice:

Love is a choice.

The adrenaline will ALWAYS fade. I am not saying their still can't be passion. But, a mature love recognizes that the thrill of infatuation is a temporary thing and only through devotion and committment can a long term relationship be successful.

Will you be truly in a relationship with a woman who desires another man and stays with you out of habit?

I suspect no.

So, take care of yourself. Give her freedom. Take some time apart. Do it with no expectations. She may discover that the guy she has taken for granted suddenly seems very appealing. Or, she may move on.

But, do NOT make it about what she will do. Make it about what you need, taking care of yourself, and deciding the type of relationship YOU require.

Do not give in to any manipulation (if she wants you to be there, but then pushes you away when it suits her). Take real space.

And, IF & WHEN, she decides she wants to work on a committed relationship without the weight of a fantasy guy in the middle, go to counseling and work out what you both need and can give.

[Guava Jelly]

27. Very sound advice thank you.

I have basically been doing that
it has been helping.
but living a lie sure sux

[jzodda]

30. Living a Lie does suck!

and its not sustainable over the long haul. It will only get worse if you do nothing about it at all. You will turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy and be miserable for a long time. Communication is the only answer to what you need. Find a time and tell her you want to talk to her about something very important to you and lay it all out on the table.

If you feel the relationship is worth saving after your conversation then try to work something out or goto counseling. If its beyond repair then MOVE ON. You are better off alone then miserable with somebody else. Thats just prolonging the agony.

I realize the fear you must have in really talking about it but its the only way. You said she is "secretive" Well thats bad in a relationship-thats not healthy either. Communication is probably the most important thing out there.

[jukes]

28. easy:

tell her it's ok to date, but you get to hear the details in bed ( "tell me every thing you did"; steely dan)

find a babe for your own adventures.




90% of marriage is a business arrangement w/ "bennies", anyway.
just be honest & grownup. "love" does not = "sex".





or kick her out. whichever seems like more fun.

[Race4Peace]

41. if having more fun is what its about ,then he should

hook her up to the fantasy man and watch that rot to hell.




and keep her out.






so is it about which option seems like more fun, or about how our buddy here can get to relax and enjoy time with someone?

[jukes]

46. R4P

it was a JOKE! this is the lounge.

it may have been in bad taste, someXs my humor is club-like, but i really meant no harm.



besides, sometimes "open" marriages do work.

[Race4Peace]

48. well

sure, its the lounge, but some jokes are not seen as practical.

[jukes]

49. if you're offended

perhaps you just need to deal w/ it. please do not patronize me, or bother to correct my behavior.

as i said, sometimes open marriages work. let me add that many marriages never do.

[grace0418]

29. It is very much possible to fix this.

Both my husband and I went through periods of being attracted to someone else. Neither of us went through with it, but I think it definitely felt like *our* being in love was never going to happen again. But like someone else said, all long-term relationships go through ebb and flow. Not all relationships work out, but many make it through the periods of "ebb" if both partners make the effort and want to make it work.

Getting counseling is probably a big thing here. But in the meantime, try doing some little things. Compliment her more often (and mean it). Say something really nice about her to others, when she's around. Make an effort to break one bad habit you know she hates. Surprise her with something you know she loves. It doesn't have to be expensive or even cost anything at all. I know that sounds kinda stupid, but it really worked for my husband and I. We realized that we have this history together that we could never build with someone else. When we took the time to compliment one another, we started realizing what it was that made the person so attractive to us in the first place. Something really shifted for us and we're in a really good place.

Good luck with everything, no matter what happens! :hug:

[jukes]

31. Grace

you're obviously a nicer (& more stable) person than me.

[Fridays Child]

32. It's called limerence. It happens to everyone and it can last a long time.

If she values her relationship with you, this attraction she feels for her co-worker will remain in the realm of fantasy. If she acts on her fantasy, then you've got some decisions to make. In the meanwhile, you're neither living a lie nor would you be a "pussy" for letting it run its course.

[jzodda]

34. It sounds to me worse then limerence

The attraction to the co-worker is not even the problem in my eyes. If I am reading his original post correctly he is feeling that she is no longer in love with him. He feels she loves him now as somebody loves a close friend, or a brother and since she is "secretive" is not revealing these feelings to him.

Instict is a powerful thing, and if his gut is telling him this he may well be right about it. Thats where the communication comes in. He really needs to talk about how he is feeling to her and do it soon. To continue in a relationship with somebody who I feel deep down does not love me anymore like a lover should? That would suck totally. I would at least have a true heart to heart with her, one with meaning and decisions involved.

[Fridays Child]

35. I'm not reading the OP quite the same way as you but...

...I completely agree with you, regarding communication.

[Guava Jelly]

40. are you a professional?

Cause i think you nailed it.
I have tried everything compliments went from a size 40 to 34 in 7 months.
sent her flowers more often on valentines day she told me not to send her any flowers because they were to expensive.
I think maybe she just didn't want her "crush" to see her guy sent her flowers.So i sent them anyways.
She is a pretty woman overweight but has just had lap band surgery..I think she is doing it more for others then herself or even me.
I almost feel like this may be our last year together we been together since 1987 living in sin no children 3 cats.
I am up now because i have become a mild insomniac..
In a way i have been preparing myself for the last 7 months for when I am finally dumped I wont be fat sad and unable to attract another mate.

I don't feel crazy i just feel defeated.
well of to bed hopefully i can get some sleep

[jzodda]

47. Nah..Its just I have been in a similar situation

years ago..In the end we split up. There was no "co-worker" thing going on, its just that I felt she didnt feel the same deep down and was not communicating it to me. We talked about it and decided to split up. We did remain friends till she moved away and now I lost contact with her.

So I understand how you feel.

[JVS]

33. Does it really matter at all?

[Rowdyboy]

37. "I can't make you love me" is a hard song to hear.....I wish you strength

and courage.

[realisticphish]

39. Here's what I would do

seek counseling on your own, perhaps without her knowledge. Before attempting to do couples counseling, talk to a therapist, and try to figure out exactly what you want to do, be it couples counseling, or something else. Us yahoos in the Lounge are no substitute for a good therapist. good luck :hi: