I feel like Ruth on Six Feet Under.

[seaglass]

Did you see the episode when she said:

"All I want is for us not to be strangers. I want some intimacy. Give me intimacy. Won't any of you have intimacy with me?!"

I feel very intimate with my family that lives with me, my husband and kids. But I feel like there are all these walls within my family that I grew up with - my mom/dad/brothers. I mean we all can talk with each other but it seems somewhat superficial.

Am I odd to want an intimate relationship with my family? Do you feel intimate with your family or at least some of the members?

I don't even know where to start.

[faithnotgreed]

1. thats really admirable that youre in touch with those feelings

i recently saw that very episode you referenced

and yes each one in the family clearly goes in their own direction and i think that they are each just struggling to find out who THEY are
nate senior was the dominant force of that family and when he died it certainly set things in motion for a great deal of change and all the struggle and joy that goes with that

and ruth... talk about someone who hasnt been encouraged to be in connection with herself

they are often individuals moving around in the same space
trying to understand life and themselves

i adore ruth
she is in the part of her life where its her time to take in that she is more fully realizing she is a person of value with a voice and with wants
and is not sure what to do with that but knows she wants it different than it has been
so no wonder her family looked at her with confusion

and though you ask i wont bore you with my family dynamics too much
we each love one another of course and my mother is like ruth also except she isnt seeking her voice (as much as i encourage her in that)
but no i dont have real intimacy with my brothers though they would help me out with anything i would need
i was not raised around anyone who sought truth and expression and depth in their interaction
like many families this was just not the way family relationships were

so i have always been the odd one - didnt fit in and my mother has told me she doesnt know where i came from (in an honest way not in a negative way)

anyway
i have found the needed intimacy in the rest of my life
with my partner and in my faith as well as in my passion for the earth/animals, books etc

of course youre not odd in wanting this for yourself
did anything happen to make you think of this or is it something that has been building for you

[seaglass]

2. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I've had this feeling for

a long time, especially after family get-togethers. Though I love to be with my family there is always a let down when everyone leaves, I feel like a connection was missing.

There has been some recent conflict in my family and I've found out about how some of the members in my family think, some of which is surprising. It just made me focus a little more on my family dynamic.

Yes, I get what you're saying about family relationships - I would characterize mine growing up as emotionally reserved. Maybe I expect too much.

[faithnotgreed]

3. thoughtful or meaningful connection is never asking too much

though it certainly can be asking too much of a certain person or of family dynamics because there are others involved
and everyone has their experiences and their memories and sometimes they dont match up to others' experiences even though they are in the same family

if its just up to us
if its just our growth or our wants in a singular fashion then we do have more control but when others are involved - and ohboy families are usually complicated arent they - well then there lies the rub
because we want a connection that requires others to express themselves also or often people need to change if there is to be any growth in that relationship
it may be growing into a relationship or it sometimes can mean growing apart from a relationship
i am certainly not advocating anything like that just in case it needs to be said
just thinking out loud that what is most healthy doesnt always mean just one scenario of togetherness though that is of course the hope

for most of us life is depending upon others in some form and when it has to do with emotions that we desire from others - esp from those most important to us - it of course can leave all sorts of impact upon us when we cant get to that emotional bridge we so want

im sorry about what youre experiencing - the form of "emptiness" (for lack of a better word) that you may feel after seeing some of your family
but i am glad that youre at the place that you think about it
that you seek more or different from that
thats a place that many others dont allow for themselves so that right there is something to be glad for

you dont need to answer anything you dont choose to but have you shared any of these feelings with anyone in your family
you mention the recent conflict and i certainly dont need to know anything about that
have you been able to be vulnerable in your interaction with others that allows them to hear what it is you would like with them/from them

thats one thing i notice with ruth
she really is new to knowing herself let alone expressing that to anyone else
she is very young in that sense and so sincere
i really love her sincerity

at one point she will be calm and may even appear that she doesnt get whats going on all around her but then another moment (like the intimacy scene you were referencing) she may lay herself out there in a way that seems like its bound to lead to her shrill bark
its like she expects her words to fall on deaf ears or her feelings to be rejected and certainly isnt used to expressing any of her own desires of connectedness
but she is going through the growing pains that she needs to in order to "live in her house"
ha - remember that episode?

it can sound new agey or corny but it was really what ruth needed
someone to point out to her that she was living her whole life as a guest and that it needs to stop if shes going to have any real happiness

as i said i think its a lot to be proud of to even be at the place you are emotionally
many dont let that in or even get to a place that it occurs to them that they are not living fully connected to their own family
its just not something we have been taught or it can be too scary for people because it takes looking not just at others - but at ourselves

take good care.....
i wish you all the best

[seaglass]

5. Again. I really appreciate your response. You've given me

a lot to think about but I am overwhelmed right now. Thank you for your good wishes.

[faithnotgreed]

6. hope - i truly apologize if i have caused any of the overwhelm

by mentioning you felt akin to ruth it really said a lot to me and im sorry that i may have said too much in response
this is such a huge place to come to in life so its important to feel the feelings but of course very important to also give time and space to those feelings

my thoughts are with you and your family

[seaglass]

7. No worries, you've helped me, truly. Just many conflicting

thoughts bouncing aound in my head.

[madeline_con]

4. "... especially after family get-togethers."

I have the exact let down. I'm not sure if it's because I miss the good old days of growing up so terribly, or I idealized them, and they weren't all that.

I feel like my brothers and I aren't as close as we were, but there were a lot of years in between all of us being together young and all of us now being together old. :(

[seaglass]

8. I know how you feel - it seems like we should have a deeper

connection just because we ARE family and we share common experiences. But years go by and we all go on with our chosen lives. It's good to just have family that you can talk with.