I need some wisdom/advice re: a friend.

[LaraMN]

My best friend lives in Eugene, Oregon. Her parents live in my town. She has sisters in Minneapolis and Seattle. Right now, her Mom is dying of cancer. She's in the hospital, with four tumors on her brain and (I beleve) another one on her liver. She's not eating or speaking. This is her third recurrence of cancer, and sufficed to say, I don't think she's long for this world. Amy (my best friend) is moving back to Minnesota after she finishes teaching her last semester, in May. Her family is like extended family to me- I grew up with them and they treat me as though I'm one of their own. I'm totally heartbroken for them. I've never lost a very close relative, and I want to know what I should do for my friend in the meantime. I've offered to be of any help they need, and will try to give her an open ear and a shoulder whenever I get the chance, but it just doesn't feel like *enough*. I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent, or watching them suffer and die. The thought of it makes me sick. I'd appreciate any suggestions of what I could OR shouldn't do, to be supportive and helpful of my best buddy and her family. I just don't know how to help.

[radwriter0555]

1. AW honey you just told us exactly what you should tell them. Those are

the perfect words to use... there would be nothing more precious or more important for them to hear right now.

Perhaps you can write them a note/card/letter saying just that.

That would be a real treasure for them.

[LaraMN]

3. I guess I feel like I should be *doing* something.

I feel like crap sitting in my home, with all my family safe and healthy, knowing the agony they must be going through. I feel like I ought to hop into the parallel universe they're living in, and bear some of the load for them. I know I can't, but I have this sense of guilt that my friend's going through something so awful, and the world just keeps moving right along.

[Coventina]

2. My thoughts after losing my mom to a long illness:

Your offer is enough for now, but keep offering from time to time.

When the poor woman does die, offer again to run any errands or stuff like that. No matter how "prepared" you think you are, there are still a lot of details to handle.

Then, make sure (if possible) to attend the funeral, visitation, whatever memorial they may or may not have. If you can't attend, send a card. It really does mean a lot to the family.

Afterward, keep in touch. At the time of the death, they will probably be running on adrenaline and shock.

Just about the time people stopped hugging me and offering help is when I really began to need it....about 2-3 weeks after the funeral.

Hope this helps.

[LaraMN]

5. I'll absolutely be there physically, if and when there are services.

I plan to keep in frequent contact with her, long afterwards, if her Mom passes. I've heard that it can get very lonely and depressing after the initial period of loss. I just wish this wasn't happening. It's sad. She never even smoked. It started with breast cancer, the first time around. Thank you for the wisdom of your firsthand experience. I can't imagine what that loss is like.

[elehhhhna]

4. write a kind letter to her. better yet, to her mom, and have her

read it to her.


be there -- people shun death & the dying and their families. your presence when possible is the best best best thing.

[LaraMN]

6. That's a good idea.

They're not very "sappy" people, but I feel like I need to say something more to them. I love them very much. They are the best kind of human beings.

[Gormy Cuss]

7. Call her just to say hi.

or send her email with the little silly stories of everyday life. That way if she needs to talk to you about her mother the opportunity is there in a natural way. Part of what she can use right now is the comfort of talking to someone who isn't family but knows her and her mother well.

When it happened in my family we supported each other but we were all wrecks. The heroes were our "like family" friends who seemed to show up at the right time with their support. On a practical basis, as a trusted friend the family may be willing to let you take care of errands and the like while the mother is dying. Sometimes it's important to offer concrete help because in the shock and grieving time it's easy to forget these every day chores. When I've been on the friend side I did laundry and vacuumed the house, I picked up the mail and tossed the obvious junk mail because they didn't want to deal with it, or mowed the lawn or walked the dog. Little things.

I agree with Coventina about afterwards -- don't forget to keep up with the offers long after the funeral. The first year is a series of first times "without." Mother's Day, birthdays, other holidays without mom. Remind yourself to check in with your friend around each holiday. It makes a big difference.

[LaraMN]

10. I just talked to her sister.

They've moved her to a nursing home, and are just trying to keep her comfortable. She's not really even cognizant. It's so sad. She's only about 50, and never really smoked or even drank or anything at all.

[Shine]

8. Keeping your heart open and being willing to listen is the best gift.

I am a hospice volunteer, so I have spent a lot of time with people who are dying, providing support for the patients themselves, as well as to their families. In my experience, just listening to their stories, being fully and emotionally present to them when you are with them, is a huge, huge gift. It's not about having to DO anything, it's more about a quality of presence that you can offer.

imo, we spend way too much time worrying about NOT "doing enough"...instead of simply BEING with what is. Feelings of grief, sadness and loss are a natural part of the dying process. There is nothing TO DO about them, except allow them TO BE.

My best good wishes to you, your sweet friend and her mother. May her crossing be smooth and may the love you have shared live on in your hearts....:hug:

[tigereye]

9. that's very good advice Shine

:thumbsup:

[LaraMN]

11. Thanks, Shine. That seems like really good advice.

I want to hug them all so bad!