Marriage Counseling

[muchacho]

I would appreciate any feedback on marriage counseling. My wife an I are going though a rough patch
and decided to look into it but all I hear/read are horror stories.

Any advise is appreciated.

[KitchenWitch]

1. Just be sure BOTH of you are comfortable with the counselor.

[muchacho]

3. yep

that's already on the table.

Thanks.

[bluethruandthru]

2. Be careful!

My husband and I went to a counselor when things were getting rough. We saw her together and privately. I found out that he had been telling her about feeling unfulfilled and lonely and she told him to go out and do something about it...that he needed to find what made him happy. He took that to mean it was okay to have an affair!! ..and he did!

[AirmensMom]

4. NO!

:wow: Now that's a horror story! I'm really sorry you went through that. :hug:

[bluethruandthru]

7. Thanks...

I should add that after the dust settled, we found a new counselor who we stayed with for 5 years of therapy (takes awhile to get over that kind of betrayal). We're about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary and things are great.

[AirmensMom]

9. I am glad to hear that!

:applause: You're pretty strong to make it through that. Good for you! :yourock:

[bluethruandthru]

13. Initially, I did it for the children.

I always said "I loved my children more than I hated him". They were young and never knew we were having any problems. I felt that it wasn't about how much I was hurt...it wasn't fair for them to suffer because he screwed up and I was angry. I know people say not to stay together for the children..but in my case, that's what kept the marriage together..until we could heal.

[muchacho]

10. good news

we're going through classic 10-year "where's the passion?" stuff.

I don't want to minimize what's going on but it seems pretty pedestrian (no violence or adultery) issues.

[bluethruandthru]

14. It's great that you recognize danger signs

and try to do something about them before it becomes a big deal. IMO passion comes and goes. Be open to try new things and have fun with your mate...in bed and out! I wish you both the very best!

[philosophie_en_rose]

5. Do your research.

Therapy is a big investment of energy, emotion, and dollars. Many therapists offer a short consultation free of charge. Don't be afraid to ask tough questions (in a respectful way, of course).

Be sure to find someone that you're both comfortable with, that is neutral, and that is professional.

[AirmensMom]

6. I know this is obvious ...

but make sure he/she has the right credentials. A psychologist is good ... especially if he/she can determine if either one of you have separate issues to work on.

Good luck!

[Catchawave]

8. There's a good DU support group here:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=301

:hug:

Edit to include...I didn't mean the Lounge isn't a good support group :grouphug:

[muchacho]

11. I'll take a look at it

Thanks!

[LostinVA]

12. It depends on the therapists -- friends of mine went to six

before they found one that clicked with them... so, if it feels kinda flat, try another one.

[BigMcLargehuge]

15. It was excellent for Mrs. McLargehuge and me

we went six years ago and are still together today.

[muchacho]

16. any advice?

what worked? Where looking for someone in New York city.

[BigMcLargehuge]

17. find someone you both feel comfortable with

and someone who will listen more than talk. Both of you have to commit to being honest when in the sessions. The sessions are where you are allowed to be pissed off, sad to the point of tears, or numb from shock. Our therapist encouraged us to talk about our problems both to each other, where he would clarify and drill down through what we were saying to unlock deeper information and bring it out in the open. He never took sides. He made us both feel very very comfortable to be there and talking with him.

Go out for dinner and a drink afterwords.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

18. My experience.

Therapist: "The two of you have so much anger, I'm not sure what I can do any longer."

I could be angry because for the first time ever, I felt SAFE to be angry. We were basically fired from marriage counseling eventually. I was married to a man who wanted me to love him, but didn't want to hear my feelings, thoughts, or opinions. I was not allowed that. This was over two years ago. We filed for divorce a few months later. Best thing that ever happened in my life. I spent some time alone and sorted a lot out. I'm currently in a commited relationship with a man who sees (and wants to see) all that is me.

Maybe this story isn't a "happy" one, but I look at marriage counseling as a tool. If you both still love each other and genuinely want to communicate, hear one another, and work through your problems, this is the tool to do so and you'll probably come out of it happier than ever. If there are unresolvable issues, it will help you see that and make important decisions. Eventually, you'll be in a better place no matter what.

Best wishes to you both.

[purr]

19. We went to one...

she did absolutely nothing. We're still arguing about the same thing, and even when we were going to her it never changed a damn thing. I dont know, maybe we need to see another counselor. After we told her we werent coming back, she kept sending us letters in the mail with pamphlets.

[BikeWriter]

20. What I learned through marriage counseling is...

everyone has seperate realities. My ex had convinced me she'd love me forever. That was my reality. Her reality changed.

[skygazer]

21. You both have to be committed to the effort

My SO and I have been going to counseling and it has helped to some extent. The key, IMO, is to find someone with whom you both feel comfortable and who is qualified (I made sure to find a psychologist - there are many counselors out there who are called Licensed Clinical Social Workers - I'm sure many of them are very good but I've been to a few who were most definitely not - one who explained to me that I simply needed to put my faith in Jesus!).

You also have to commit to being honest in your sessions. I look at them as a safe place to touch upon topics that are painful and hard to address. Your counselor needs to be an objective sounding board, someone who can gently keep you both on track and offer some guidance. Because when you try to hash things out alone together at home, it's volatile and tends to overflow into other areas - there's no clear cut time limit or spacial limit like there is in a counseling session. I find that helps.

Good luck. :hi:

[realisticphish]

22. Therapy is hit or miss

You HAVE to understand that any yahoo can call themselves a therapist, if they've had at least a little training. They don't have to have a Ph.D, a Psy.D, a masters, or even a bachelor's in psych to be a therapist... they just can't call themselves psychologists.

Research your therapist BEFORE you go to them, and don't be afraid to stop seeing them if you're uncomfortable. Find someone you and your wife can be honest and open with.