This evening, an attempt was made on my life.

[asthmaticeog]

The perpetrators are in the custody of law enforcement, being interrogated to discern their motive in this fiendish and cowardly attack on my person, and to determine whether they were acting on their own or were agents of some other person or group of persons. I am OK physically, though I am a bit shaken. Authorities are not revealing the assailants' names at this time, but have authorized me to reveal that their sporks have been confiscated as evidence.

I will be identifying the assailants out of a lineup tomorrow.

[ghostsofgiants]

1. Sporks are truly dangerous in the wrong hands.

[asthmaticeog]

5. And extremely pleasurable in the right ones.

:freak:

[ghostsofgiants]

13. ...

*backs out of thread slowly*

[BikeWriter]

33. They'll take my spork when they pry it out of my cold dead hand!

[Darth_Kitten]

2. You had me, until I saw the sporks...

:evilgrin:

[asthmaticeog]

7. I had you at "This."

No use denying it.

[bridgit]

3. fucking sporks man, i'm telling'ya...

x(

[asthmaticeog]

10. They can't be trusted.

Like Gypsies, drummers, or Rosicrucians.

[bridgit]

14. heehee, you said, 'rosicrucians'...

:rofl:

[DS1]

4. That is most distressing

Thanks for the add

[asthmaticeog]

15. OMG did U see *~*IT MAKES ME SAD TO BE IN THE SUN*~*'s bulletin?

He's TOTALLY gotta be sleeping with XCUTTINGMYSELFMAKESMEFEELALIVEX, for reals!

[DS1]

21. Perfect

:applause:

[SOteric]

6. I very much hope

the slaw-breakers are soon in hand.

[DS1]

11. ouch

[asthmaticeog]

18. What DS1 said.

:spank:

[tuvor]

8. Don't fucking do that!

Damn, asthmaticeog...

[asthmaticeog]

16. Dude, I was just minding my own business.

Cleveland has been plagued with marauding spork-gangs for decades; sooner or later it was bound to be my time to encounter one. I emerge from this a stronger man.

[nytemare]

9. Did they scratch your tongue??

They fool you into thinking they are smooth like a spoon, and those pointy things go after your tongue. I think this is the modus operandi of the spork. It is an insidious little object, surreptitiously lulling you into a sense of security, then coiling up to attack!!

:D

[asthmaticeog]

17. I thank the heavens they weren't brandishing splades.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splade

[nytemare]

23. Those could cause serious injury!

Your sigline pics crack me up and disturb me at the same time. Well done.

:hi:

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

12. Have you been whistling?

[asthmaticeog]

19. Why yes, "Dixie."

[sundog]

20. please call me

[asthmaticeog]

24. ...just don't call you late for dinner.

I got a million of 'em!

[johnnie]

22. The one looks like an old friend of mine from the old neighborhood

I have heard rumors, I am now guessing they were true.

It's a damn shame.

[asthmaticeog]

25. Hey, he ran with the sporks, he gets what he gets. He knew the risks.

I find it inspirational that you were able to lift yourself up out of that violent milieu. :loveya:

[TK421]

26. It has been found that if you hit someone hard enough with a Spork, that

you could pretty much gut them on the spot....but I think that would be a skill that's only available to people who are proficient with the use of a spork, and those people can be pretty fucking dangerous if you provoke them at the wrong time. I know....I've held a spork at an assailant when threatened, and I damn near took out their testicles with it.

[asthmaticeog]

35. You are a true adept.

I doff my chapeau to thee.

[realisticphish]

60. a

spork samurai, if you will

[Shakespeare]

62. Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer could kill you with a spork. One swift move, and it's all over.

[swag]

27. I TOLD that fucker Lear that runcible spoons would lead to this!

[asthmaticeog]

36. Oh! Untimely death!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

28. That was a rollercoaster post...

Initally, I thought it was a joke. So I was gonna post something snarky without really reading it. Then, I decided to read it and I thought it was serious. Whew! Good thing I didn't post something snarky. So, I scroll down and it's a line-up of sporks!

You bastard...

:evilgrin:

[asthmaticeog]

37. Yes, good thing you didn't post something snarky.

I like that you opted for the play-by-play recap approach.

[WCGreen]

29. Fuckin' soup all over me....

DAMN YOU SPORKS!!!!!!!!

[asthmaticeog]

38. They're the dribble glass of cutlery.

[BikeWriter]

30. Sporks don't kill people. Only people kill people!

[asthmaticeog]

39. Not true.

Sometimes viruses, felled power lines, and rabid dogs kill people, too.

[BikeWriter]

47. Oh, so you want to get technical about it, huh?

:rofl:

[asthmaticeog]

48. I only seek clarity.

OMMMMMMMMMMMMM

[Oeditpus Rex]

31. SPORK WAR!

:bounce:

[asthmaticeog]

40. I prefer not to relive the old DU spork wars, thank you.

[MsKandice01]

32. I prefer to say Foon instead of Spork

It sounds better.

[asthmaticeog]

41. If you're eating at a buffet, do you use a buffoon?

[Hissyspit]

34. Utensilists!

Judge a spork by the content of its character, not by its abbreviated tines. You people make me sick.

[asthmaticeog]

42. PC creeps like you take all the fun out of bigotry.

[Beware the Beast Man]

43. I knew it was bullshit when you said the perps were in custody.

We all know the Cleveland police isn't that fast.

[asthmaticeog]

45. Bite me, suburban girl.

[realisticphish]

61. especially

since they're WHITE sporks

:hide:

[terrya]

44. That's it. It's time for meaningful plastic cutlery control laws

This shit has to stop. :grr:

[asthmaticeog]

46. Charlton Heston and his jackbooted band of goons have far too much power.

[no name no slogan]

49. What? You down wit' KFC?

(yeah you know me)?

[asthmaticeog]

52. Spork tha po-lice, spork, spork, spork tha po-lice!

[RandomKoolzip]

50. Oh, calm down. Someone alerted on your post, that's all.

:eyes:

[asthmaticeog]

53. I find it disturbing how you always have all this inside info.

:tinfoilhat:

[RandomKoolzip]

55. I find it disturbing how melodramatic you can be.

An alert suddenly becomes an "attempt on your life?" And with a spork, no less? I see a shot of thorazine in your near future, my friend.

:wtf:

[asthmaticeog]

59. This is really too much to bear!

:cry:

[Phillycat]

51. Dude, the sporks aren't as dangerous as the Taco Bell refried beans

you're eating with them.

[asthmaticeog]

54. Is refried like being born-again?

It seems redundant.

[Phillycat]

56. They have bumper stickers on their tiny bean cars:

"Fried all right the first time". With the Darwin fish.

[leeroysphitz]

57. Vicious animals.

I wish they'd find a way to limit access to spork technology. A maniac with a spork is a threat.

[asthmaticeog]

58. When sporks are outlawed, only outlaws will have sporks.

[A HERETIC I AM]

63. I saw the one 2nd from the left forkin' around down by the tracks.....

yesterday.

My motto?

"Never trust short tines"


Words to live by

[asthmaticeog]

64. Forks and spoons all in one? Just ain't natural.

Next thing you know they'll let cutlery form hybrids with box turtles. :tinfoilhat: