These are pretty funny.

[Midlodemocrat]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of
the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

[madinmaryland]

1. Thanks for the smile!!!!

:hi:

[In_The_Wind]

2. Lots of those are funny!

But There is a light in my freezer.

[NV Whino]

3. I remember this one slightly differently

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull it out. If it grows back, it's a weed.

[MadHound]

4. Do I detect of pupil enrolled in the Stephen Wright school of comedy?

If I remember correctly some of these are straight out of his old act. Thanks for the memories and the laughs, Wright has always been one of my all time favorite comics.

[survivor999]

5. ROFL

Good ones.