Me, the Ugly American

[Writer]

I am going to rant a bit, so forgive me for my poor writing.

I have a wonderful husband from Mexico with whom I've been married five years. He grew up here, for the most part - since he was eight. His family has been accepting of me and vice versa. Now his parents have very traditional Mexican values... that family comes first, etc. I really don't have an issue with this, although my own family and experiences detract from any notion of traditional family values. I tend then to be more individualistic, which I think is a very American trait of mine.

Truly my husband and I don't bump heads over these matters. Initially there were problems (during college when we were dating) of his leaving his parent's house over the weekend to take me to a movie or to dinner. His father told him that he was "turning his back on his family." My husband was 21 when he went on his first date with me. I was 19 and simply did not understand how they could hold him back so much.

Over the years this changed as his parents became more used to the idea of his leaving the house and living his own life. He graduated from college and got his first job about 200 miles away from them. (They complained that he should have taken a job close to them so that he could continue to live at home at the time.) He was 25 at this time.

Finally we got married. Now my relationship with my in-laws grew to become very good. We seem to respect each other.

However the notion of boundaries or space comes up periodically. See, my husband's brother is married to this vile narcissistic woman who doesn't have respect for other people. Today we heard from another family member that his brother and his wife were coming to our area without any prior notice to us. We are extremely busy this weekend and simply can't make the time for them.

I told my husband that this offended me. How could they be so rude to call at the last minute and expect us to change our plans for them? He told me that, well, this is the way it happens in Mexico. That it isn't considered rude (never mind that his sister in law is about as Mexican as my pinky finger... she's the most boorish American I've ever met.) Nonetheless, I told him that I understand this, but that I should also have a say in what I believe is appropriate or inappropriate behavior per my upbringing.

The exchange made me feel horrible. Like an ugly American who refuses to acknowledge other cultures. I just feel horrible, but I don't believe I should feel this way. I'm a bit angry at my husband for this.

I just wanted to share. I'm not sure what else to write.

Writer.

[ThomCat]

1. I would feel the way you do.

I will break plans to accomodate people I know and love, and I'll be happy to do it. But showing up on such short notice shows a basic lack of respect.

Family doesn't need your permission to come visit, but they should at least let you in on their plans.

[Coventina]

2. Respect is a two-way street.

:hug:

Things may be done that way in Mexico, but you are not Mexican, and you are not living in Mexico, are you?

Since the offending party never even bothered to contact you, you are not obligated to go out of your way for them. They could have contacted you themselves.

Just my .02

[kay1864]

3. I don't think you're being Ugly American at all

To me Ugly American is going to other countries and wishing Things Were The Way They Are Back Home (often loudly)

This is just courtesy. Even if "this is the way it happens in Mexico". For one thing, you're not in Mexico. Is it intolerant or Ugly American if a guest insists on animal-sacrifice or sleeping nude outdoors or whatever, because "that's how we do it at home"? No.

Bottom line is, it's your house, not theirs.

At this point it looks like you have a choice between the stress of convincing your husband that No is your answer, vs. the stress of having them there at a very busy time.

Yuk. Sorry.