Does Divorce Run In Families?

[arwalden]

Are the children of divorced parents more likely to get divorced themselves?

[no name no slogan]

1. Supposedly yes

At least according to the statistics I've seen.

Of course, with 50% of all marriages ending in divorce nowdays, you're odds are still even that you'll have more than one marriage as it is (or as I like to call it, my "trial marriage"). :D

[eyesroll]

3. I've heard "starter marriage" myself.

:D

[leftofthedial]

31. my "starter" relationship lasted 30 years.

[eyesroll]

2. So I've read.

I'm divorced, but nobody in my family is (well, one aunt and one second cousin -- but relatively few).
My SO's parents are divorced; both were each other's second spouse (and second divorce). His mom passed away in 1999; his dad's happily married to his third wife. My SO is (still married on paper) TRYING VERY HARD to get divorced but it's taking forever.

My ex's parents are divorced and happily remarried to others.

[Left_Winger]

4. Our parents were together for 32 years till death did them part

but both my sister and I are divorced and choose to remain that way.

:shrug:

[johnnie]

6. Out of curiosity

Were either you or your sister's ex husbands' parents divorced?

[Left_Winger]

8. Come to think of it, yes; they both were.

[johnnie]

13. I ask because

My parents have been married for 45 years and both my sisters are divorced. Both of their husbands came from families of divorce.

Of course my brother and I are both still single, so I don't know where that falls into it all..lol.

[Bunny]

39. That's interesting. Here's how my family works out:

My parents were married for 51 years, until my Dad died.

Me: divorced, ex-husband's parents are/were married till death do they part. (I'm not sure if they're both still alive)

My brother #1: divorced, his ex-wife's parents were married till death did them part.

My brother #2: divorced, his ex-wife's parents are/were married till death, etc.

My brother #3: divorced, his ex-wife's parents are still married after 50+ years.

My brother #4 is still married, his wife's parents were wed till death they parted.

My brother #5 is gay, and will probably never marry.

My sister is still married, and her husband's parents were married till her MIL died.


I'm not sure that this means anything, really, now that I think about it. :shrug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

5. They say so.

How do people end up in bad marriages, anyhow?

:shrug:

[no name no slogan]

7. It happens (but oftentimes, you don't even notice it)

It happened over the course of several years, slowly. Then one day, something major happens and you either 1) try to fix it, or 2) split up.

In my case, it was #2. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me at the time.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

9. That's frightening.

To think that one might end up married to someone pretty crazy, someone who you once really liked.

:scared:

[no name no slogan]

16. People change. Relationships change. Such is life.

I know you're pretty young, but think of it this way: are you exactly like you were when you were in first grade? Do you still have the same friends, enjoy the same hobbies, wear the same type of clothes, want the same thing out of life?

People keep growing and changing throughout their lives. Sometimes they grow together, sometimes they grow apart. And if they don't communicate, they can become strangers while living under the same roof.

That's what happened to me and my ex-wife.

Ten years on, I no longer knew the woman I married. And I didn't like the person she had become, either. I split with her a year ago. The last time I saw her was when we completed the sale of our house, last November, and I have not spoken a word to her since then. We even finalized our divorce by mail, through our lawyers.

We both run in different social circles, work in different parts of a big town, and hang out at different places. We literally don't have anything in common anymore.

Which is perfectly fine by me.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

17. That just still seems so....Strange.

How does anybody ever STAY married in this crazy world?

;)

[Maine-ah]

23. don't jump into it.

My circumstances might be a bit unusual but a couple pieces of advice.

1. live together first. for a few years. you need to know everyones dirty little habits.

2. comunication. it is the key. always tell the truth. if you're pissed about something, say something. don't just sit there and be pissy about it. or deny someone sex over it. sex should never be used that way.

3. people say sex doesn't matter. it does. if you don't have good sex after a few years of living together, don't get married.


Now, my parents stayed together until my father died. They should have gotten divorced. There has only been three divorces in my whole family. My husbands parents are divorced. His whole family has been married at least once. We have been together for eleven years now, married for only five. Known eachother for twenty. Still have incredible sex. Still communicate, and have no problem farting infront of eachother.

on edit, our first child is due in November.

[no name no slogan]

34. Living together doesn't mean you'll stay married, though

my ex and I lived together for over a year before we were married, and I know many couples who lived together first who ended up divorced. I also know people who didn't live together before marriage, and are still married to their first.

Stats also show that living together doesn't make a difference in the end. However, I don't think I'd get married again unless I lived with my future spouse.

[Maine-ah]

36. I'd still recommend it for a few years.

I have lived with two men in my life (not including immediate family of course). one of them for 2 years, and the other, my husband. For some it may make a difference, and why not give it a shot b/f getting married? It could save a lot of pain in the long run.

The only people that I know that are married and never lived together, are people like my grandparents, and my parents (which my father is dead now anyway.) My sister got married b/f living w/her husband, and she's now divorced. Same thing with my husbands family. His mom,aunts ect... all got married b/f living with their spouse and are all divorced, most are remarried to people they lived with for a few years b/f getting married, and are very happy.

It's probably a 50/50 deal, just like marriage. Where would one find those stats that you mention (just for shits and giggles) I'm curious.

[av8rdave]

30. It can happen in a numer of ways...

IMO, the most common is getting married too young. I was 23 and my bride was 19 when I got married the first time. At that age, I don't think either of us was really done growing up and figuring out who we were. By the time we did, neither of us was probably who the other thought they married. We kept it going for 13 years, but it truly became impossible.

Other causes can be mental problems, money problems (statistically a major player in marital trouble) and extended family problems. That and I also believe there are a few people who see marriage as the end of a courtship rather than the beginning of something, and don't commit to the learning and changing that needs to take place over a lifetime to make a marriage work well.

I've been in my second marriage for just over 10 years now, and it's fantastic.

There is nothing worse than being in a bad marriage...and nothing better than being in a good one!

[RebelOne]

10. It runs in my family.

My mother was married 3 times and my father 5 times. I divorced once, all 3 of my sisters and my brother each divorced once.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

12. 5 marriages???

:wow:

[RebelOne]

37. Yes, my father was married once before he met my mother.

After he and my mother divorced, he married again, got divorced, met his next wife and they divorced and then remarried her again. So I guess you could really say he was married 4 times as he remrried his 4th wife, which would make it his 5th marriage.

My mother's first marriage was to my father. They divorced and she remarried and had 2 children, but her husband (my stepfather) was killed in a tragic traffic accident. She remarried again, had 2 more children and divorced him.

[Left Is Write]

11. I don't know.

My parents have been married for over 46 years. All of five of their children are still married (so far), and those marriages range from almost 9 to 16 years in length.

My husband's mother was divorced from her first husband, but she's been married to her current husband (my husband's stepfather) for 28 years. Her parents were married for 52 years before her father passed away.

None of my siblings' parents-in-law have ever been divorced, and none of my siblings-in-law have a divorced sibling.

[electron_blue]

14. I think picking S.O.'s who are not good for you runs in families

which may come from low esteem and other undesirable personality traits. And divorce more often follows bad choices than good choices.

[Orangepeel]

15. I imagine that some people stay in "bad" marriages for cultural reasons

although I'm just guessing, it seems to me that NOT getting divorced would run in families, if it is partly a cultural thing.

[catmandu57]

18. Dr. Judith Wallerstein

Has done excellent studies on divorce, she maintains that divorce does indeed run in families, that if you experience divorce as a child that carries over into marriage and makes them easier to discard.
Read her, you'll like it.

[miss_american_pie]

19. I guess it would depend on what was modeled

as a healthy relationship.

If a couple is only staying together because they have kids, I don't see how those kids would have learned how to have a healthy relationship any moreso than kids of divorced parents.

[av8rdave]

33. You make a great point

I struggled to keep my first marriage going for several years after it became terrible because I didn't want to put my kids through a divorce. Doing that needlessly put them through several years of hell. Fortunately, the live with me, and I think my second wife and I have (hopefully) shown them how a healthy marriage works and how it has enhanced their lives.

[hunter]

20. My parents and my wife's parents are very much married.

Their fiftieth anniversaries will be coming up soon.

Their many kids are pretty monogamous too.

The very rare divorces in our families have been the result of things that couldn't be fixed. Problems a couple had before they were married often get worse with marriage. Marriage itself doesn't fix anything.

For most people it's a matter of nurture, not nature. I do think there are people who are not by nature monogamous, but for the most part children of parents who have successful marriages learn more constructive ways of dealing with the inevitable conflicts all couples have.

[Burma Jones]

21. My Mom inquired as to my sexual orientation when I was 32 and

unmarried....

I told her (now on her third husband) that I was merely skipping my first marriage.

I am now married and am likely to stay that way. I have one brother that married the girl he dated in High School - he's 44 now, and is miserable. I have another brother, 41, that was married and divorced and now has a fiancee.

My twin half brothers, 23, rarely date the same woman twice

[tigereye]

22. I think it's more acceptable perhaps

than for people who are more inclined to think that they should stay married since their parents did. I have encountered some kids ( adults) of divorced parents who seem to work harder to stay married, since they experienced differing levels of difficulty when their parents split. I think divorce is still pretty traumatic for many kids. But I agree that it would be more difficult to stay married in some ways, since they may not have the experience of a healthy long term marriage to emulate....

[Lilith Velkor]

24. Not if they don't get married.

Perhaps children of divorced parents are less likely to get married in the first place?

[JVS]

25. I'd imagine that being from a divorced family would weaken the taboo...

of divorce

[RebelOne]

38. That's true. Since I come from a very much divorced family,

I sort of grew up with the feeling that if my marriage didn't work out, I could always get a divorce, which I did.

[Tikki]

26. Probably right there with the national average....

of marriages that end in divorce.

Mr. Tikki's parents were an only marriage....Mr. Tikki and I are and all (three other siblings)
of his siblings are still in only marriages...(40, 33, 30, 26 years respectively).

I came from a broken home...I have one brother in an only marriage of 23 years.... and another brother
in a second marriage of 21 years.

[ScreamingMeemie]

27. I don't know...If so, I'm in trouble. MrG's parents were divorced after

20 years. My own mother and father are going through a divorce after 40 years of marriage. So...MrG and I will be married 10 years this June. I figure we still have at least another good ten ahead of us. :)

[kwassa]

28. Most of us imitate our parents relationship because ....

the normal married relationship is the one you grow up with, no matter how functional or dysfunctional.

To some degree we rebel and change, but a lot of it is simply imprinted on us.

[IdaBriggs]

29. There is a book called "Adult Children of Divorce" which is quite good.

Apparently divorce can be good if the children see everyone happier afterwards, but bad if the parents try to make them pick sides, etc (which is way common).

Another problem is that children don't learn how to actually *resolve* problems, because their parents just walked away from them, which is one of the reasons it tends to "run in families."

Its been quite a few years since I read the book -- those are the bits I still remember, though.

Personally, I think it can put a person at "higher risk" in either a) picking a bad partner because of unresolved parental issues, or b) not teaching good problem solving / communication skills, but this can be worked around if someone is self-aware enough to address these types of issues, and actively work on preventing them. :)

Disclaimer: Both my husband and I are Children of Divorce.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

42. Sounds like an interesting book.

What about a kid who sees a healthy relationship and likes the "step", but still spends a lot of time with his or her other parent as well? Do they feel conflicted? Just stuff I'm dealing with right now.

[JohnKleeb]

32. I dunno

My dad's parents were married for 42 years until my grandfather died, my mom's parents celeberated their 50th two years ago but all my dad's brothers and sisters have been divorced but to my knowledge none of my first cousins on that side have been. My mom only had one brother and he's gone now and he never married. I think it's possible but it all comes down to who you marry ultimately,

[elehhhhna]

35. Like suicide. Yes. Here's why imo...

once your role model has done something, it becomes a viable option. Period.

[NewJeffCT]

40. I'm the first person to divorce in my entire family

both my grandparents
my parents
my aunts
my uncles
my cousins

no divorces until me.

none since, either.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

41. I think perhaps

that long marriage runs in families. Some families don't accept divorce as an option, so it is just not considered. They stay together no matter how horrible it might be!