I need relationship advice....

[khashka]

I've been dating this guy for , well, I guess more than two years now.

And he's so fucking passive!
It's almost impossible to carry on a conversation with him since he has no opinions. At all! The sex is pretty good, although his limits are a lot lower than mine. But that's OK. Still, I always initiate it. It's always what I want to do. I've asked him what his desires and fantasies are. Apparently none.

When we go out to dinner I ask him"Where would you like to go?" "I don't care." "Well what are you in the mood for? Mexican, Italian, steak?" "Whatever you want."

I asked him, finally, "Where is this relationship going? What do you want it to be? Friends who occassionally have sex? Fuckbuddies? You wanna try for something deeper and more long lasting?" His reply: "Whatever you want." He doesn't even have any opinion on what sort of relationship he wants this to be?????????

Should I (as Dan Savage says) dump the motherfucker already? He's a sweet and kind and generous man. And if I dump him it's really gonna hurt him. ( I did get him to talk once, sorta, and found out that I'm only the second person he ever felt comfortable being with or having sex with. And the first screwed him over royally.)

But his passivity is driving me crazy!

So do I get out? Or try to work it out?


Khash.

[crispini]

1. Wow. You know, I dated a guy like that once who never called me.

I felt like I was "Julie, Your Cruise Director," you know, I was The Person In Charge Of Fun And Games.

I just stopped calling him, and he never bothered to call me, so that was the end of it.

I would see if you could have a genuine conversation about it and see what he says. That's somehow not normal. Is he coming from an abusive background or something?

[khashka]

9. Right on the money, crispini

He does come from an abusive background. His mom died when he was a baby. He was raised in the Klan. His dad was a drunk and beat him up regularly. His first (and only.... before me) lover infected him with HIV. (That's another issue... he's poz and I'm neg and that complicates things.)

I know that there is a wonderful man there. I've seen glimpses of him. But he won't let me in. All the info above I got from our one real conversation. I just can't reach him. And trying is becoming so frustrating! But if I don't, who will? There's nobody else. But he's driving me crazy! So at what point do I just give up?

I'm not in love with him. (As I told Peggy, I've given up on love. I'll just pursue lust instead. Much easier, much less painful.) But I could fall in love with him. I can see it happening, it would be easy. But perhaps it's just time to walk away. The very fact I'm thinking that probably answers my question.

Khash.

[frankly_fedup2]

47. Is he taking his antiviral meds like he is suppose to? Does he have

other issues with his HIV like Hepatitis? I hope the best for you; however, it just doesn't sound good for you. Is it because you would feel guilty if you left him? He sounds depressed to me or already emotionally disturbed; but I know that does not make him a bad person. I'm depressed and emotionally disturbed and my husband loves me and has stuck with me through some tough times and still is.

Have you asked him if he would go to counseling with you? Bet he will suddenly get an opinion then.

[ThomCat]

62. I'll bet he's terrified of doing something wrong

that might drive you away. Passivity is a very common response to that kind of fear.

Unfortunately, asking him to be less passive, or demanding that he be less passive is exactly the wrong thing to do. That just triggers the fear, which is what triggers the passivity.

You can either accept his passivity and watch as he very slowly begins to feels safe in your relationship. He'll probably start to take the initiative very slowly and in very small ways. Or you can cut and run.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

2. Honesty and communication might work

You probably need to talk this over with him if it's driving you crazy. Otherwise, it will start to come out in different ways.

I hope I am not giving bad advice, though, since I an not a professional. Just going by what I've learned from experience.

Good luck.

[Deja Q]

3. That dude sounds like me. Passive, impartial, submissive.

Well, he sounds rather more extreme (in the same situation, I'd jump at "Relationship!!!"... seems I can make some decisions. If given an opportunity... :D )

[wildhorses]

4. how do YOU feel? Do you love him? Do you want to have a

future with him? What are the pro's and con's? There are a lot worse things out there than being indecisive. Given time this person could grow onto himself. In the end though you have to be true to yourself so what do YOU want to do?

[supernova]

5. That's a toughie

He sounds like a Bartleby (I prefer not to.)

If you otherwise enjoy spending time with him and the sex is good, I would try to have an honest conversation with him about it. Maybe it's that you're mismatched in the expectations dept? Not criticizing, just thinking out loud.

If he genuinely is interested in exploring more of himself and his wants/needs, then the best thing you can do is help him to feel (it sounds odd to say "safe" about a guy, but I'll go with it here) around you enough to draw him out. Perhaps it's that no one ever believed in him so he doesn't believe in himself enough to think he can have what he wants.

OK, I'm over-analyzing so I'll stop now.

[ZombieNixon]

6. *sigh* You're not going to like my answer.

It sounds like my ex. For the longest time, we were just friends who had sex. She was as passive as your SO. When we'd get together, I'd ask her what she wanted to do. The answer would always be "whatever's fun" or "whatever you want to do." Umm, yeah, babe, if this get together was only to do what I wanted, we'd be spending the whole time indoors with the door locked and the blinds down.

Eventually, I coaxed her into buckling down and making a decision about us. She chose relationship. That was a month and a half ago. The rest is history.

I'm afraid I can't really think of any advice, but I can relate my own experience. What matters is how you feel. Good luck, Khash. :pals:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

10. I am so sorry ZombieNixon .

About 2 months ago ( damn its almost 3 months ) my boyfriend let me go over the telephone . And in actuality , he did me a favor . Long story short : less stress , less worry , no more tears .

[ZombieNixon]

12. I think if she'd had more confidence this wouldn't have happened.

As a friend, whenever she was sitting on the fence about something...such as taking martial arts classes, I'd usually encourage her to do it, because it would be a new experience that might bring out a new side of her. But even for small things, like taking a math test, she'd be terribly underconfident and unnecessarily stress out over it so I guess she kind of resented it when I pushed her to do more, even though it really helped her grow as a person. I guess she didn't really want to, and the other guy is really kind of a control freak and he's going to be making all the decisions for her. :(

It really sucks to see so much potential in a person wasted, but my life is going to be less stressful now I think. I just makes me sad that it had to come at the expense of someone else's development, especially someone I cared about. But now, at least, I can focus more on myself. I just wish I didn't feel like such a selfish bastard for doing so.

[Droopy]

14. There's nothing wrong

with taking some time out for personal development. Hell, I'm 33 and I still don't have a mate. I'm kind of weird, though. I think most people have almost an overwhelming desire to be with someone and their lives are not complete if they don't have someone to be with.

My lifestyle seriously limits my ability to hook up with someone anyway. That's alright. I don't mind being alone.

Take the time, Zombie. I think you'll be alright in the long run.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

16. No you are not a selfish bastard .

My ex was sort of the same way . I encouraged him to do positive things . But too bad he had friends that were slackers , and my ex was not a slacker but it was something about these friends of him that attracted him . Suddenly my ex wanted to spend more time with his slacker friends than me and I told him that they were bad news and to watch out - I was not telling him not to be friends with them anymore , just to watch his back . Well he chose his friends over me ... at the time I was sad and upset , distraught , not eating - but I knew that in the end I was right ... 2 weeks later , his friends lost their jobs because they failed a drug test for smoking weed ... oh well .

[tjwmason]

7. I'm about the last person to ask for relationship advice - but here it is

Have you considered that he's intimidated by you? Not intentionally, but I've seen many men (more the case in straight relationships from my experience) who are intimidated by their partner and simply adopt a posture of trying to please. It's a cop-out on their part, definitely, but I suspect that many are scared of what would happen if they turned round and said "you've just spouted a load of crap" or "no, tonight I want to eat in" or whatever.

Also, is the lack of development frustrating for you? Or put another way - presumably you enjoy being together, being out together, and being in together - what element of the relationship is a problem? If it's simply a matter of which box does it fit into, or which label does it have - then forget it, be yourselves.

[swimboy]

8. Maybe the next step

as he trusts you and feels comfortable around you is for you to try to convince him that you feel you are missing out on really knowing him and that you really do want him to reveal more of himself to you. It does sound like you have tried to cover that ground, but maybe he is short enough on self-confidence that he thinks being a sexually adequate (?) non-entity is his best bet.

[Droopy]

11. I'd get him to drink about 6 shots of hard liquor

And then lay down the line. "Alright, you fucker, now we're going to do what you want to do and I'm not taking no for an answer."

Could work I guess.

Hell, I'm not the right person to be giving out relationship advice. I have very little experience in that matter. But just tell him you can't go on with him being so passive. Force him to make a decision. It might work.

[mdmc]

13. i'm not sure

but best of luck to you. hope something works out...

[Book Lover]

15. I vote DTMFA

He's not meeting your needs. He can't tell you if you are meeting his. Why stay together?

[Redstone]

17. There's nobody but you who can answer that question.

Is there?

Redstone

[Xipe Totec]

18. What I'm hearing is...

Should I settle for this one, or look for a better one?

You're worried that if you let go you might not find somebody better and you'll end up kicking yourself for it.

That's a tough question.

Does not sound like you are committed to this relationship one way or the other.

Yes, two years is a big investment and starting over is a real pain. But the longer you drag it out, the harder the consequences, and the deeper the scars will be.

All I can suggest is this:

If you think your soul mate is still out there, keep searching.

If you're convinced there is no Mr. right for this life cycle, then settle.

[faithnotgreed]

19. hi khash

clearly i dont know the situation but i felt i should pass this along in case it helps at all

ive been with my partner for 11 years
like your guy she is sweet and has a genuine sincerity and love that laid deep below
but thats the thing - it was deep but it was there very much needing fostering and patience and love

some can do that type of relationship and some cannot because its such an investment of everything you have

in my situation she came from a tough childhood but also has a strong bit of aspergers (autism) that we didnt know about until much into our time together
it made a lot of sense and answered a lot of questions which helped though it doesnt magically make anything go away
you just know what youre dealing with which can help on an everyday level
perhaps there is some of this with your mate but of course his childhood is well enough to cause what youve described
they shut down their emotions looong ago and just havent known how to come out of that much less get to the point they feel safe enough to risk that

i could see right away that this was going to take a great deal of energy but i also saw her potential - and from what she said no one else had

like you say you are dealing with someone who doesnt know what they want and in my case she wasnt connected enough to herself to understand about communicating her needs or desires or even fantasies
its all so foreign because she had learned to NOT feel in her childhood which only carried over to her adult relationships
needless to say they werent successful so she didnt bring any knowledge about what a relationship needs or even what one is
i had to show her and teach her and fight it out with her for a long time
in fact she didnt even know she had a problem with communicating when we met but it became very evident even to her that there were real holes that greatly impacted us together

i say all this just in case you identify with any of it
i say this because olivia is a light in my life and in this world
im not saying she wouldnt have been without me but she tells me just about every day that i have brought her a life she never thought she could have and it makes me so happy to think about what weve brought to each other

but i will absolutely say that a huge part of this was that i was (and am) in love with her
that got me through the tough times
and there have been many but i couldnt give up even when i thought i wanted to

its been a hard fight but for me its been worth it
not everyone is ready for that and not everyone has the same relationship in mind or needs the same thing
but just in case you relate to any of this i want you to know what my experience has been

i wish you both all the best
relationships are tough no matter what they are labelled
im not sure how much youve gently reflected back to him his lack of participation in life but in my experience this went a long way (eventually) towards bringing a beautiful soul out of a hard shell

we are not loved because we are beautiful
we are beautiful because we are loved

on edit; i think its important to again say that its no one persons responsibility to "rescue" another
everyone has to make their own best decision
this was just my experience but its not for everyone

and also want to say that everyone IS beautiful and there are many different types of love
it certainly isnt a requirement to love/be loved within the traditional romantic boundaries
friendship is of course another beautiful form

[Deja Q]

20. So before anybody else says it:

I am the ugliest man alive.

There. Nobody else can say it because only I speak the truth. :P

[crispini]

21. Ish, Toad, stop with that already.

You know, "We are beautiful because we are loved" may be true IF AND ONLY IF you allow self-love to count too. LOL, and before you say it I'm not talking about THAT kind of self-love. I'm talking about appreciating who you are as a human being, your own innate abilities and talents, and your unique and special place in the universe.

[faithnotgreed]

22. very right crispini - many do not love themselves first

but its quite prevalent as im sure you know

but absolutely every single person - even when they cant or wont believe it - has something very special within them

[khashka]

25. Crispini is right again

Only thing I can add..... you also have to believe that you deserve to be loved.

Khash.

[Deja Q]

27. You're right, of course. Insecurity is a bit of a bugger...

If only talents == profits.

[khashka]

23. Fucking Bullshit!

You are a very beautiful man. In many many ways. And I love you

So there!

Khash.

[faithnotgreed]

26. right on

[Deja Q]

29. I appreciate the sentiment.

But as with reading this thread, and certain others, I see the common points that spell out why I am where I am at, and why I can not progress. (Asperger's.)

And that's why I've found things to maintain solo interest (and not that either.)

I am content, yet I live in an ambivalent, recursive dichotomy.

Time for a yaegerbomb tonite, I should think.

[faithnotgreed]

36. hi hypno

i didnt know you identify as aspergers
as ive said (probably too much about) aspergers certainly doesnt preclude having relationship - mine is happy and long term but like any relationship it takes will and caring enough about yourself to know you are worth having someone care about you

and you ARE worth it though i know me saying that doesnt mean you feel it

have you sought/gotten any professional help for all that youre going through
i will also add just in case that olivia has attended adult children of alcoholics (acoa) meetings even though neither of her parents drank
but her mother has real mental illness (now diagnosed as huntingtons) that impacted her basically the same as if she was an alcoholic
i share that because those meetings have been very helpful to her to commune with others who were in the similar dynamic of deeply low self-esteem stemming from their childhood trauma

take good care friend
you are worth every good thing in life no matter what you tell us~

[khashka]

42. Well, after you told me about

having Aperger's I read up on it. (See how much I like you?)

It wasn't something I ever dealt with when I was practicing.

But Asperger's is a mild form of autism.(Hah! "Mild"! Only mild if you aren't the one living with it!) And unlike more severe autistics they do yearn for a real connection to another person. And it is very possible! Takes work, but so does everything.

But I guess constantly berating you for being down on yourself is actually contraindicated as a theurapetic technique,eh? Sorry, I'll try something else :)

But you deserve more than "content".

Khash.

(P.S. As for "solo interest (and not that either.)" Why not? It ain't the same but it can be damn fun! Indulge yourself a little :) )

[ThomCat]

63. Yeah! What he said!

:hi:

[begin_within]

69. No, you're not

[khashka]

30. Thanks faithnotgreed

I identify a lot with what you said. You and Olivia must be very special people. You for seeing the real her and sticking with her in spite of her problems, her for having the strength to try and overcome them.

I think I'm in the same boat you were. So thank you for sharing your experience with me. Much appreciated :)

Khash.

[faithnotgreed]

35. well she is special thats for sure ~

and yes she has worked so hard which i do remind her about

i appreciate your kind words and may i add youre a beautiful person yourself
it takes a lot to care so much that you truly want to "see" who the person really is

there are so many levels of hurt in this world that whatever form the friendship takes your mate is all the better for having you in his life
and i truly do wish you two the best

please let us know how you/he are doing

[AbsoluteArmorer]

24. ask him this ...............

.....where will we be in a year's time? Always get the futuristic insight from another and peg your decision to that.

[MissMillie]

28. I don't think I could be w/ someone

who had no opinion about whether or not they wanted to be with me.

That's me though. You may want something different for yourself.

[khashka]

33. MissMillie,

that's the real clincher. I think I could deal with everything else, but the "I have no opinion about this relationship. Whatever you want" is what is driving me crazy. Do you want me or not? And in what capacity? Tell me!

Khash.

[MissMillie]

66. Don't settle Khash

If you want to be w/ someone who really wants you... then lose this dead weight.

[JVS]

31. It sounds like he is a content soul, what's wrong with that?

[lumberingbear]

32. You probably won't like this Khash, but

if after 2 years this is as far as you got, I doubt the relationship (or this guy) is going to change. Sorry bud.

[Meshuga]

34. Be honest with him

If you don't want to be with him then you better break off nicely. Say that it is not working out because of the things you complained to us about.

But say it nicely. :-)

If you like him then make your complaints to give him a chance to change his ways. But if you can't take it then get out of the relationship as soon as you can. But always be honest with him and don't try to protect him. It is better for him to be dumped when the other person is not happy with him.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

37. There's something passive-aggressive about this

I went out on one date with a man who was like that. He wanted me to choose the day, the time, restaurant, where to sit, what to order, etc. I repeat, I went out on one date with him. There was just something off about a man with no opinions, and whatever it was, I didn't feel like fixing it.

In fact, you cannot "fix" another person. If that's the way your friend is now, that's the way he's likely to remain without outside intervention (or strong personal motivation, which doesn't seem to be his style), such as counseling or even medication.

[TroubleMan]

38. I don't know.....what do you want to do?

LOL....j/k.

Sorry. I don't know what to say on this one. If you're not happy, then leave. Don't settle. However, that being said, what are his interests?....there's gotta be something he's involved in. Maybe your pursuits and dreams are just as boring to him as his lack of passion is to you. If you can't find a common ground of passion and interest, then there's no foundation to hold on to when things go bad or you have problems.

[Whoa_Nelly]

39. Can't stand passive-aggressive behavior

and that's what this sounds like.

This may, or amy not, give some insight into that behavioral type:
http://www.mcg.edu/students/mentalhealth/PAbehavior.htm

If you want to keep being the leader and dealing with the frustration of who's really controlling the relatioship, stay with him. Personally, I find this type of personality very boring...won't even get in to the total frustration of it all if a relationship like this continues.

My advice...dump him. It's not your problem that you are only the second person he's been comfortable enough with.

Ask yourself: Is this a relationship you really want for long term?

Don't think it is, or you wouldn't be asking here :D

[hholli11]

40. TELL HIM ALL OF THIS...

I think you should tell him that it is important to you that he take some control/risk for this relationship. He does whatever you want to do b/c he is afraid he will lose you if he doesn't.

The next time you guys are going to hang out, tell him you can't think of anywhere to go so he'll have to decide. See what happens.

[u4ic]

41. Perhaps he's afraid of abandonment?

"My needs are your needs"..."I'll be whoever you want me to be"...or to be your reflection. After all, you wouldn't dump yourself, would you?

Perhaps the key lies in his past relationship.

[MelliMel]

43. Maybe he is afraid you will be upset and leave

if he isn't a "yes man".

If you are strong willed and opinionated, he might be afraid of disagreeing with you or the "safe option" of just going along with whatever you want. Let him know it's ok to not like or agree with everything you do!

I'm pretty opinionated myself, but lucky for me, my husband is too. So we lock horns from time to time. :P

[frankly_fedup2]

44. TWO YEARS of this? OMG! I would have . . . well . . .

What does The sex is pretty good, although his "limits are a lot lower than mine" mean? Does that mean he likes certain things but doesn't like to recipricate? Or is it visaversa?

Sounds like a future psychiatric patient to me, IMHO.

[frankly_fedup2]

45. Sounds like my brother in law. A girl screwed him bad in high school

and the man is over 40 now and still talks about getting back with her. She is married and has two kids; however, she still calls him. Her husband knows all about it and they think it's funny but he is over 40, never been married, is an alcoholic, and won't eat in front of people. Weirdo!

[NewWaveChick1981]

46. I've been married to someone like this for 14 years

My situation is not quite as extreme as what you describe, but my husband, whom I've known for 23 years and been married to for 14 years, has just sort of given up. When we first met and during the time we dated, his passivity was not really evident. Over the past 8 years or so, he has had career setbacks (not his fault, but he still didn't take any initiative in finding new opportunities), and he's withdrawn from life. He's passive ("Whatever you want for dinner; whatever you want to do today; whatever you want to do in life), and he works out of our house, which makes matters worse. His self esteem is low, and he has no desire to make anything better. He's been treated for depression, and while that seems to have eased, he still has major issues.

He's a really sweet guy who comes from a dysfunctional family, but he was never abused or anything like that. I can't MAKE him have self esteem, though. I have come close to leaving him several times, but I haven't been able to do it yet. I love him and care about him, and I hate to see him continuously do this to himself.

I don't have any easy answers, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel. :) You're not alone.

[frankly_fedup2]

51. Hi, NewWaveChick1981, I'm the female version of your husband.

I never want to go out. My husband and I have been married 15 years. He has stuck with me through panic attacks, ER visits, hospital admissions, having to go through a bankruptcy because I became totally disabled now due to depression, anxiety, panic disorder, fibro, chronic fatigue, and more. He goes to work everyday and comes home every night. He stays in with me most of the time. On pretty days, as long as I'm feeling ok, he will go on a poker run for charity with his friends. I use to do that but now the motorcycle is too painful for me. We were never able to have a child due to all my meds that have continued to increase. I take 21 pills a day plus wear a morphine patch. I have a son from a previous marriage that he has loved and raised as his own; however, my son tells people that when he was young, his step dad beat him with a 2 by 4. Everyone my son knows had corporal punishment when they were young so he has to make out like he was totally abused for some reason. He got spanked when he needed it; however, his step dad never touched him . . . I did.

I have told my husband that I gave him my blessings if he wanted to see if he could find someone who could make him happy, give him a child, make him feel loved. He just shakes his head and says, "Didn't I tell you I was only getting married once?" Then he tells me he wants no one but me?????

Since we have been married, due to my meds and inability to move too much the last three years, I have gained over 120 pounds (as well as eating candy, chips, and sodas), the house is always cluttered because I do what I can, get tired and sit down and get on this computer, then I don't want to do anything else, but I do keep up the dishes, the dusting, but he has to vacuum. Also, I never get dressed and am always in my gown and robe, I'm in the bed most of the time due to the pain and or the medication making me sleepy. He comes home, he tells me a little about his day, he always kisses me and tells me he loves me at least once a day, but always when he gets home at night. I call him and tell him if he needs to get the meds, get stuff at the store, whatever, and he never complains about it. Then he goes in the living room and watches T.V. or plays on his guitar. He usually fixes something. Sometimes I cook, but mostly he will see if I have something and then will get himself something or cook for us both. I stay in the bedroom and watch my T.V. and sit in front of my computer. We have sex a couple times a year now. I feel nothing anymore due to my meds, but I have to initiate it because he does not know if I'm hurting too bad to have it or not. He is always eager though when I approach him.

Gosh, after reading what I have written, I think they broke the mold when they made my husband, and I have the nerve to complain at him for not helping around the house anymore, or some stupid thing because I feel bad. I'm perimenopausal too and that makes one's hormones whacky. He must love me is all I can figure???????

[NewWaveChick1981]

52. OMG, frankly_fedup2!

:hug: My heart goes out to you. You describe what must be a frustrating existence. I know your health problems are overwhelming, and I'm glad you have such a supportive husband. God knows I've tried everything to be supportive of my husband, and I haven't given up on him when most other people would have.

My husband doesn't have chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia, but he does have a great deal of anxiety and depression. I have tried everything I know to do, including getting counseling for the both of us. Our sex life, which used to be very active, is now limited to times he feels like it, which is maybe once every couple of months. I'm still a very sexual person, and I can't describe how frustrating it is for me---but I'm still there for him. (I've just had to take matters into my own hands. ;) )

He's increasingly down on himself, and it hurts me to see him like that. He's still the same guy I married, somewhere deep inside. I wish I could make it better for him, but it's not up to me---he's got to be the one to recognize that he still needs help. When I suggest additional counseling or another visit to his doctor, he refuses, saying he's fine. He's not fine, though.

I hope your situation improves soon. It's got to be tough on both of you. You didn't ask for your health problems. :hug: You can PM me if you would like to talk more. :)

Take care, and let me know how things are going.

[faithnotgreed]

53. sending hugs to you & your husband ff

if they dont hurt too much

you have a gem of a husband
extra special people do exist - im so glad you found one another those years ago

i also have cfids though im blessed that its no worse than it is and also have an amazing partner
i dont take medications but am seeking healing through alternative medicine but i do know that its a long road

and i pray (or send light or whatever works for you) that you will find some answers to your health issues
many people suffer so much destruction to their personal lives when they are ill im glad that you have the love and support of your family

edit for grammar

[frankly_fedup2]

55. Thank you . . .

You sound like one amazing person yourself . . . and I'll take the hug . . . they do hurt sometimes, but well worth the pain. :pals:

I wish the people in my extended family could understood how I was feeling as well as understand why I cannot make any plans to do anything anymore. Some days I'll be in the bed for a couple days before I am able to get up and move around. There are not a lot of compassionate people in this World; however, I'm sure you are a blessing to your family.

Thank you again.

[baby_mouse]

48. Ooooh, darling... :-(

He sounds terribly, TERRIBLY dull.

:-/

But, you know, if he's a genuinely *nice* person... well, it's good to have one of those around when you're 70.

Just sayin'.

:shrug:

[Arugula Latte]

49. Get.Out.Now.

Not worth it! It shouldn't be so damn difficult!

[xmas74]

50. I'd give you advice

but we both know how awful I am at keeping a relationship for more than a few weeks!

How about a hug instead?

[Floogeldy]

54. That's a great question to ask . . .

. . . after fucking the guy for two years.

This is true progress. ;)

[mrreowwr_kittty]

56. You might have compatibility issues

I've come to the conclusion that relationships don't work out when the people are vastly temperamentally different. This is not an area where opposites attract IMO. From what you've described, he seems like a fairly low key and mild-mannered person whereas you may be more intense and animated. That's how I am and mealy-mouthed passive types drive me CRAZY! The guy I'm currently dating is opinionated and fairly outgoing like me, though we are different in ways that seem to be complementary. So far it's going pretty well, though we've only been dating a month.

[tjdee]

57. He's not passive, he is AFRAID. Is that up to you to fix? No.

He's not passive. He had one lover who screwed him over AND gave him HIV. He came from a rotten family. Maybe HE is trying not to fall in love with YOU. I'm fairly certain he's just waiting for you to walk out, and every time you come back he's surprised. He probably figures if he always does what you want....isn't that what you want?

You cannot fix this. But you can tell him that his "passive" behavior is bothering you, and if he really wants to do "whatever you want" then he'd better find some opinions quick.

But if you talk to him about it, and he doesn't change, you can't stick around and do that to yourself. It is not your responsibility to be the "nice guy". And how long can you do that anyway?

[treestar]

58. He does not care. He may be depressed, but at any rate he

apparently doesn't care. So moving on is better. Waste time with him and you miss the chance to meet someone who does care.

Maybe breaking it off with him will show him he's missing something and he'll react.

[IdaBriggs]

59. Doesn't sound like two people working towards mutual goals to me.

So I say dump him. Stay friendly if you would like, but honestly, its time to move on.

One assumes you are looking for a long term partner -- a lifemate, if you will. Someone who you would like to "eventually" marry, have a family with, and then grow old together with.

This man has issues, and they apparently include a whole bunch of mental problems. My first questions would be things like, "Is he getting psychiatric help?" If not (and you have assumed the caretaker role), then I have to say that a) he is not your equal, and b) he's comfortable with who and what he is, which IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT MEANS YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

I'm not saying that mean; I'm saying that factually.

In the meantime, you are not "open" to having another relationship (and shouldn't be), because you are already spending all of your available energy in this one.

Kiss him goodbye; stay friends, and start dating other people. Oh, and next time try not to confuse your own compassion and raving codependency with a loving, healthy relationship -- its really not good for either of you. :)

[Jim__]

60. He sounds a lot like Meursault (The Stranger).

Maybe if you can get him to shoot somebody and get sentenced to death you can strike some life into him. Otherwise, it sounds like it's going nowhere.

[skygazer]

61. Those are hard relationships

My first husband was like that. Great guy, very nice, funny, warm but he had no assertiveness or opinions. I was with him for six years but I finally got plain tired of always being the one in charge, the one who made plans, the one who arranged for the car to be serviced, the one who made sure the bills were paid, the one who initiated sex.

I felt like I spent 6 years trying to build this guy up, to bring out the person I knew was inside but I never was really able to. He always needed to have me there, pushing and pulling and guiding and I got sick of it.

We divorced and he ended up marrying again. His current wife (they've been together for 18 years now) is wonderful for him. She seems to enjoy being his mother (which is what I eventually felt like I was) rather than a partner. All power to her but I couldn't do it.

I would say that you really need to consider the possibility that this person will never really open up or change and take that into consideration. Because as much as we want to believe that love and support will cause that kind of change, many, many times it doesn't.

[ScreamingMeemie]

64. Have you told him how you feel about this? I know you asked him

about where he wanted the relationship to go, but maybe he doesn't realize why you asked. I was very much the way you describe him when MrG and I were first together. I would say,"I don't care" whenever he asked about dinner out. Because I didn't want to go someplace he didn't want to. I was so worried about "getting on his bad side" that I pretty much did. I never initiated any of the fun, behind closed doors stuff...never realizing he craved that...to feel wanted.

I would try talking about the real issue, and then, if he continues to be noncommital, take some time out for you.

:hug:

[Coventina]

65. Khash, your story has been haunting me. Here's my advice:

Does he love you?

Only you know that for sure. And believe me, you do know it, deep in your heart you know, one way or the other.

If he loves you, work it out. It will be worth it. Love is worth any sacrifice.

If he doesn't, you have to end it.

It may be that he is too damaged to love you. You still need to leave. I speak from personal experience here. My previous relationship was with the smartest, kindest, most sensitive guy I will probably ever meet. I was madly in love with him to the point of mania. But he was severely damaged. Incapable of loving anyone, much less himself. I tried to make it work for 8 years, but he just could not love me. And I almost destroyed myself by trying to justify my faith and love for him.

I left him, and he hates me for it. He doesn't understand, he is not capable of understanding.

Your boyfriend(?) may not be capable of loving you. If that is so, you have to walk away. You are not the one who damaged him, it is not your fault. But be prepared to shoulder his anger and blame.

But it is possible that he truly does love you, under the layers of his defenses and emotional scar tissue. If he does, you will know this, on a spiritual level at least. If you "don't know" or "aren't sure", that means he probably does not. It doesn't make him a bad person. It's really a tragedy.

Hope this helps.

[pitohui]

67. just use him for the sex and keep looking

it sounds like he's perfectly satisfied w. his status as booty call, if you're liking the sex, i would booty call him when needed while continuing to explore other options

passive aggressive is not a condition that changes or gets cured

it doesn't sound like he is doing thing one to deepen the relationship so i would assume he has what he wants and now you should go after what YOU want

and i wouldn't feel one bit guilty either

[xchrom]

68. wow -- interesting -- the whole thread.

what came to my mind -- in a flash -- is what do YOU want?

writing here is a way of you saying ''i want ....''.

i mean beyond the obvious writing on the computer screen.

it seems like you MIGHT be asking yourself to do something.

if you want more communication with this guy -- i guess you'll have to ask him for something active -- like couples counseling.

or make sure he gets some therapy on his own with a stated goal that within x number of weeks he begins to do something positive lie say
i want ''italian'' -- or it's realy better for me in the shower.

other wise -- there's other guys on the side who can give some more of what your looking for -- and he stays the same.

but -- no matter what -- you should each do what's best for your selves.

it's hard -- if not impossible to change because of someone else.

i'm not big on monogamy -- so take that into account -- i am big on therapy{on going}.

it does sound like -- no matter what -- you'll be friends -- so take that into account.

i think -- like other posters have said -- he's very afraid of something.

i guess the question is -- is there anything left in there that's active and vital?
but that seems like a job he needs to want -- big time.

[begin_within]

70. What are you getting from this situation, that keeps you hanging on to it?