At what point should you stop looking for romance?

[crispini]

Here's the backstory: For two years I didn't date anybody at all and I was happy and content with my life. Lately I have decided to try to date again. I have embarked on a journey of emailing, coffee dates, and so on. I am doing my best to try to enjoy "the process." But I don't really like meeting new people all that much, and this is already feeling a bit like work rather than fun. I am really focussing on enjoying each person for who they are, and trying not to have expectations like, "Is he the one?" and so on, and that is helping a bit.

But when the rubber hits the road, I have to admit that I don't really enjoy "dating" per se, and that I really, really dislike the emotional rollercoaster that this constant meeting and greeting has me riding. Wishing, hoping, wondering, thinking, wandering... it's all a bit of a constant soap opera inside of my head, as opposed to when I wasn't TRYING to date and I just felt very clean and calm and pure and focussed on exercise and job and house and cats and so on.

So how long should ride the maelstrom before pulling the boat back into the harbor? :shrug:

[Mutley]

1. My experience, limited though it may be, is that

you find romance when you stop worrying about finding it.

[Guava Jelly]

2. truer words have never been spoken

no comment

[WindRavenX]

11. yup

That's exactly it :thumbsup:

[Broken_Hero]

24. agreed...

happened to me...gave up the chase of women, started putting my nose to the grind at school/work, and tammy came outta nowhere, and hit me upside the head...a year later, we are married...whoo hoo! I never would have thought, me, and tammy, nah? But, i wasn't looking for it, and it hit me from left field...btw folks, today is my wife and I's second wedding anniversary...:)

[Mutley]

29. Congratulations!

:party: :woohoo: :toast:

You sound so happy. :)

[Broken_Hero]

54. Thanks

we are doing good, we have our moments, but, most of the time, things are good...:) Thanks!...:)

[LSK]

49. unless you are me

I stopped worrying years ago. Nothing so far. :shrug:

[TheProphetess]

61. Same here - my SO dropped into my life when I was "too busy" for dating

Whammo - hits you like a tone of bricks when you are looking at something else.

That's been my experience. :hug: to you

[crispini]

3. yeah, well that didn't work for me.

two years off and I really was not ever thinking about it at all in those two years... .:shrug:

[Mutley]

4. I did say limited experience.

:P

:hug:

[crispini]

5. LOL, thanks for the hug.

:hug:

[timber84]

6. You'll find it when you stop looking!

:hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

7. Every couple of years, I try blind dating (through the personals), and

the experience is so unpleasant that I resolve never to do it again. Of course, then I forget and try again. It's sort of like what I used to do with running--forget how bad it made my knees feel until I tried it again.

Frankly, I know I'm hard to match, and I have a feeling that the type of man I'm looking for wouldn't go the personals route.

[intrepid_wanderer]

8. I wish I had an answer...

... but perhaps you'll be slightly consoled that our stories are quite alike...

at least I hope so...


As for your boat, sail it to wherever YOU want to go... perhaps along the journey what's meant to be, will be



all the best!

[crispini]

10. Heh thanks!

Nice to know I'm not alone! :D

[LeftyMom]

9. It sounds like it's not worth it to you.

What I'm getting out of your post is that you prefer the certainty and structure of your single existance to the effort and uncertainty of looking for a partner. If that's the case I see nothing wrong with letting go of active looking and choosing to let the right guy come to you if that's how things are going to work out. After all even if you stop the emailing and coffee dates, you'll still meet people just in the course of living your life and there's nothing wrong with seeing what happens if any prove interesting.

[Generic Brad]

12. Swear off relationships for good

I had a dry spell like you have described and one day I finally said out loud "I am going to be single the rest of my life". And about an hour later my future wife entered my life in a chance meeting. Just say it and give it 24 hours. What the hell? It might just work for you too. If not, you've only wasted 24 hours.
;-)

[crispini]

13. Ok, I like that.

"I am going to be single for the rest of my life."

Funny thing is I can even say it without the awful fear in my tummy I used to get. It doesn't bother me anymore, I've dealt with it. :D

[Generic Brad]

15. You now have 24 hours

Have fun!

[Floogeldy]

14. Now would be a good time.

Because once you stop looking, it will slap you in the face.

[crispini]

18. Dearest, if I had a nickel for every time I stopped looking

I'd be a zillionaire. :hi:

[raccoon]

36. Ditto! Sometimes when I hear that about "stop looking" I just

want to groan out loud.

[Lisa0825]

59. ME TOO!

That old trite line, meant to comfort does nothing but piss me off!

Also, what autonomy said, "no matter what you do or don't do. There's no magic "stop looking and he/she will appear". There's no "someone for everyone" out there. That's all superstition. Lots of people live and die alone."

I've had one semi-relationship for 2 years out of the last 9, since I got divorced. I dated a lot when I was younger, but it was just a rollercoaster ride and left me feeling down on myself more often than not. It took me a long time, but now, I am in a place where I am just doing what I need to do for myself, and I probably will never have a family. I just have to accept that. No man is going to magically appear because I have "stopped looking." even if I do find someone, it won't be BECAUSE I "stopped looking."

Furthermore, despite how society treats single folks, i am NOT a failure if I do live out my years alone!

I started graduate school. I do volunteer work. I go out with friends. I am involved in political campaigns. I am NOT in hiding. For whatever reason, as many people as I meet in a month, "romance" doesn't happen to me anymore. So, i will fill my life with things I have control over, things that I enjoy, and things that make me happy. I am not less than anyone else because I am just me, without an S.O.


I know this is an old post, but I happened to see it in crispini's journal, and just had to add my 4 cents! (4, because it was way more than 2!LOL)

[Autonomy]

16. There are no guarantees

no matter what you do or don't do. There's no magic "stop looking and he/she will appear". There's no "someone for everyone" out there. That's all superstition. Lots of people live and die alone.

[crispini]

19. Thank you.

Sanity.

Somehow, reality is much more bearable when stared squarely in the face. :D

[Autonomy]

22. Realism is just the beginning

I said there were no guarantees of finding someone, but I would bet that most people do find "the right one" sometime in the course of their lives.

So the voodoo approach doesn't work. The next question is, "Does that mean it's just a crapshoot?" Probably not. I bet there are ways to increase one's odds of finding the right person. Maybe you should ask THAT before asking when to give up. Just a thought. I am single, so I am singularly unqualified to answer that.

The best relationship I ever had was when I was at my best, feeling most confident, and I saw someone I liked and I said to myself, "Her. She's the one," and did what it took to get her. Needless to say it ended, but it was a great 13 months that I don't regret.

[Evoman]

58. In a nutshell...Evomans guide to dating

I may sound like an asshole here, but I haven't been unsuccesful in dating since I was a high school kid. I have a gf now, and she is absolutely amazing. Here are some hard truths about dating...

1) You have to look good. There may be exceptions, but you would be better of preparing for the rule, not the exception. If you dress badly, have bad makeup, smell bad, or look bad, your chances are slim to none of finding a good mate. Look at yourself objectively, but not to harshly. Ask the ladies or fellas at the stores to help you come up with some good outfits. Make sure to hit the gym.

2)Kill any desperation. You may find someone, you may not. But if you appear in the least bit needy, your gonna lose. If you can't have fun at a date, then your date won't be fun. The only advice I can give you here is go to places that you would want to go to anyways. If you like a certain restaurant, take your date there. If you like to bowl, then suggest bowling. The key is to have fun.

3)Looking and hunting are two different concept. Looking is going to places, and doing things, that are fun for you, while keeping an eye open for a good guy. Hunting is trying to snare a guy doing what you hate. Looking good. Looking works. Hunting bad.

4)There is no "one". There is no "Mr. Right". Hell, people marry and divorce all the time. I bet you they are no more happy than you, even after finding their "soul mate". I've known old widows who are glad their husbands died of old age, because they finally don't have too cook for him.

5)Self-examination and correction is absolutely critical in dating succesfully. Ever see those date show where people are awful on dates. Sometimes one person will be such a terrible whiner or be mean, and then they blame the other person for the bad date. They are incapable of seeing the flaws within themselves. Know yourself and correct anything that you do wrong.

6)Being yourself is overrated. Never listen to the people who tell you should "just be yourself". They are wrong. You should always be improving yourself, always be challenging yourself, and always changing yourself into a better person. Are you a slob? Fix it. Are you whiny? fix it. Are you unable to tell interesting stories? Go out there and find some stories. Just be yourself is loser talk and will never help you. Be more than yourself, improve yourself is much better advice.


These are harsh, I know. But dating is not always just good luck. To some extent, we make our luck. If you want to make money, you gotta work for it. If you want a good education, you gotta study. Dating is no different. It is work...but there is no reason it doesnt have to be fun.

[Deja Q]

30. Exactly

[sendero]

17. I have a decidedly different take..

... than many here. I believe that whereever you put your energy, that is where you get results.

Now I realize the game is 100% different for a man than it is for a woman. But trust me, if you are a guy and you "wait", you'll be in your grave before you find someone. I suspect it's not that different for a gal.

So the dating process is a pain in the ass, I agree. I went out with a boatload of women before I found the one for me. Some of it was fun, some well beyond fun, some a total PITA, and some just yawners.

I am the sort of person who can size someone up pretty quickly, and once I realize someone is not LTR material, I dumped them. Unless they were real fun :)

You can tell yourself that romance isn't worth it, but I for one don't believe you. You wouldn't be looking if it weren't. And that is not an admission one should apologize for, to me, those who've decided to just retreat are the ones who have given up, and that is sad.

There is a great guy out there looking for someone just like you. When you find him, it will be well worth all the mr-not-so-rights you had to endure. Keep the faith. Carry on. You will win, it's just a matter of time and energy!

[crispini]

21. Yep, I'm kissing my frogs.

Thanks for the encouragement. C'mere, frogs! :loveya:

[Broken_Hero]

26. I'm a guy

I waited...I swore off chasing women around, in xmas of 2002..no more taking women out, and all of that, i quit looking. On April 20, of 2003, I met my future wife tammy, and today marks our second wedding Anniversary...so, go figure huh? Its not an exact science...I thought i would end up marrying my right hand, and living alone the rest of my life, but i guess...it wasn't in the stars...

[caty]

20. Back in my dating

days, I found that when I concentrated on making friends, instead of finding a boyfriend, that's when I found someone.

[Nicole]

23. I quit trying

I decided that time was better spent doing volunteer work.

I met more potential dates doing that than I ever did with the personal ads. Plus I knew we had common interests that we were actively involved in. Not empty lines a man writes on paper because he thinks it looks good on his profile.

[Alexodin]

25. Give up.

totally give yourself to the Buddha, crossover, cross into the all, and become one with Brahma, walk slowly into the river and don't look back, all is illusion, all is maya, the only love is......come to me my child. Heh

Have you ever tried bars?

As an old telemarketer once said, "its in the dials" I am sure you can find someone that is perfect for you you just need to dial a million times, so don't be discouraged, keep dialing.

[crispini]

34. LOL!

Thanks.

[Missy Vixen]

27. I hated dating, too

>But when the rubber hits the road, I have to admit that I don't really enjoy "dating" per se,<

My story: I was working in a place that everyone I met was either very, very ill, gay, or married. (We worked with home IV infusion therapy patients). My boss had met her husband through a personals ad, so she nagged me till I did it.

I met roughly 300 guys over about a year. I dated two of them off and on for most of that year. I met my husband just before I gave up completely.

There is no "lucky formula," and it's even worse when one doesn't like dating. I'm not sure what to tell you, other than I will think of you and hope that whatever you decide, you are at peace with. In the meantime, I also hope that Keith Olbermann shows up on your front porch tomorrow declaring his undying love for you. ;-) (Doesn't he need a nice girl?)

Julie

[crispini]

33. Oh. My. God.

THREE HUNDRED? :wow:

THREE HUNDRED?!!!?!

You have just raised the bar incredibly. I was thinking the fact that I'd been out on five dates recently was doing great! :rofl: My only consolation is that I've had so many funny stories so far I'm thinking of writing a book. It's kind of like Sex and the City, heh heh.

And thanks for the good wishes! Yeah, wouldn't THAT be nice! LOL. I'd wish Patrick for you, but you obviously don't need him. :D

[Missy Vixen]

55. It's just a number

>THREE HUNDRED?!!!?!<

Before everyone here believes that I am, well, less than virtuous, :blush: I should explain that most of those were coffee-type things. In other words, I learned to qualify, and I learned to ask four or five questions up front that would determine whether or not I truly wanted to meet the guy or not. The first question: "Why did you answer my ad?" Obviously, anyone's nervous when they talk to someone new; they want to put their best foot forward. At the same time, if I heard a less than sincere answer, or the guy blew off answering the question, it didn't go any further than "Nice to talk with you, I hope you find what you're looking for."

I think you should keep track of the stories. Five dates or five hundred, I'm telling you, sometimes you'd have to laugh or you'd cry. (Have you read "80 Dates in 80 Days"? It's great, very funny, and I think she sold the movie rights as well.)

>Yeah, wouldn't THAT be nice!<

He needs a nice girl, why shouldn't it be you? ;-)

>I'd wish Patrick for you, but you obviously don't need him.<

Oh, but he needs me! :evilgrin: ;-)

Julie

[fudge stripe cookays]

28. Hi sweetie!

I did the "OK, I've going to be single the rest of my life, and NOW I can handle it, because I finally have a career and a life, and a cat, and my own place."

Once I'd finally gotten my degree at 32, and my job u-no-where, and finally had some purpose behind me after being aimless for a long time, I WAS happy.

Wouldn't you know, just before I decided that, I had filled out an ad at personalpossibilities.com. And about a month or two after I decided that (after completely forgetting about the ad), reprehensor mailed me for the first time.

The "being together" part took more work than the finding him! I know it sounds like bullshit, but you're doing everything right. You're vivacious, and fun, you have your myriad causes and interests, and you stand up for things you believe in. That is enough for most guys out there to take notice. The right one just hasn't noticed yet.

Don't give up, just live your life with no expectations. I didn't get married until I was 34. But I quit living with expectations, and everything fell into place. And look who I got! :D

[crispini]

35. Thanks girlfriend!

If I think of dating as like being in training for something I suppose it's a bit more bearable. You don't always enjoy every single run or bike ride, although you enjoy most of them, and the goal at the end is what keeps you motiviated, heh!

[fudge stripe cookays]

40. That's right!

I spent a lot of nights wondering what I was doing wrong. And I learned some lessons about not trying TOO hard; I went through my share of losers, believe me.

Then, I finally remembered something my favorite aunt always told me-- I wasn't supposed to be winning them. They were supposed to be winning ME. That kept me on an even keel. Once I relaxed, and just acted like myself, and let Al be Al...it was magic.

He was the first guy to actually COURT me. To bend over backwards to make me like HIM. And bizarre as it felt at the time, it also felt AMAZING. To know that there was someone so crazy about me that he would make an assout of himself to impress me.

That's what matters. Find someone crazy about you, and don't settle. Those are my words of wisdom.

[treestar]

31. Just quit thinking about it

and live your life. Then it's part of your life, and not contrived. When it's contrived you try to fit the other person into your expectations, and they won't, they are a person who counts too. Those personal ads where guys look like they are placing an order get you to realize - hey this guy is a control freak. You'd have to play a part.

Also, I did this and never did meet anyone. But it doesn't bother me that much now. I know my life is what it is. If they were meant to be, they'd have shown up. Better to be single for life then be married just to have someone. And if you do that, you're blocking that person from finding their someone.

[Strong Atheist]

32. Never. nt.

[wildhorses]

37. beat me to it....

never give up on hope

[Orsino]

41. What they said.

Real romance is worth about any price, IMO. Settling for less can be fun, at least temporarily. "It'll happen when you stop looking" may be good advice, as long as it doesn't cause you to lower your standards.

Romance is alchemy, though--an inexact science if it isn't actual magic. "Lowering standards" may not be an applicable phrase. Every romance is different.

[raccoon]

38. I don't enjoy dating per se, either.

I'd rather get to know somebody BEFORE dating them, to see if there's any chemistry there, any possibility of something working out.

And yes, I know, that's a hard thing to do.

[queenjane]

39. Ask yourself how important having an SO is to you

I really hate dating, have never been good at it. I'm 45 now, and perhaps it's menopause, but I have zero interest in being in a relationship. But then, I never did have much.

I've had two "great love affairs" in my life. The first one lasted 6 years, until his drinking problem finally drove me away. I met him at work, wasn't looking for anyone, but for the first time, I understood soppy love songs. I had to have him. It was volatile, but I have no regrets for the time we were together.

The second was an older man, an attorney, whom my best friend had just gone to work for. His 2nd marriage had just ended, so we ended up just being pals, socializing, etc., until the divorce was final. I grew into the relationship, I guess. He was my dearest friend, supporter and confidante for 5 years. He wanted to marry; I didn't. So we parted. But I still love him, and we keep in sporatic touch.

You could say I had it all, just not in one person: a passionate sexual love, and a companionable love. If I never love again, that's okay. I just don't want to be one of those people (and I know so many) who are desparate to be with someone, anyone because it's expected, or they'll be thought a loser, or they think the very worst thing on earth is to be the scarlet "A" (Alone).

I'm the opposite of most folks. I think if you meet someone you really like, THEN you want a relationship with them. NOT, "I want a relationship, so I'll go find a breathing body to have one with".

[raccoon]

53. That's a really sensible way of looking at it, I think,

'I think if you meet someone you really like, THEN you want a relationship with them. NOT, "I want a relationship, so I'll go find a breathing body to have one with".'

[Iniquitous Bunny]

42. My relationships tended to be weeks or years.

I tend to just take the philosophy of "let him blow me away". If he didn't, then see ya! I don't mean that in the materialistic sense, but how he treated me in the ways that really matter. If he didn't live up to my standards, then I moved on quickly. If he treated me well, I gave my all in every sense of the word. First and foremost, view yourself as an amazing woman who deserves as much as you are willing to give and accept nothing less. I ended a long term relationship a couple of years ago and I was scared at first, but once I accepted being alone and vowed to myself to not compromise, things ultimately worked out well for me.

We're all just human, but loving yourself is what matters most anyway. You'll meet someone worthy, but in the meantime enjoy life (sounds like you're doing that already) and try not to worry. Like someone said, "There are no guarantees", so don't be afraid to let love in, but use common sense about the kind of person you chose to be with as well. Don't ignore red flags.

[crispini]

44. Yes, one of the positive side effects of all this dating

is that I have realized exactly HOW MANY interesting eligible men there are out there! Maybe they are not all of my type, but there are lots of good fish in the sea! :D

[skygazer]

43. Why look if you don't enjoy it?

There is no rule that you have to be paired to enjoy life or have a meaningful life. It sounds like you've been enjoying life but now that you're trying to look for someone, you're not enjoying it nearly as much.

So why look?

As many posters have pointed out, very often we find our partner when we're NOT looking. My advice would be to quit worrying about it and go back to enjoying your life as it is. Perhaps someone will walk into your life and sweep you off your feet sometime (which is exactly what happened to me). Perhaps that won't happen. So what? A partner is not what makes you who you are. YOU are what makes you who you are.

Putting time limits on things just puts more stress and pressure on it all. Just live. Enjoy. Quit worrying.

[usedtobesick]

60. I would agree

if you are happy being single and like your self and your life then why complicate it. Be happy where you are and don't worry abut the rest of it. If you feel like a date then go on one if not then why force yourself to go thru the pain. I was really happy where I was and was not looking for any one when my SO popped into my life thru a work email. We took our time and didn't sweat the small stuff, enjoy the day and the life you have today. If tomorrow finds you searching then enjoy it then.

Life is already to full of stuff we don't want to do, why add to the list?

[billyskank]

45. Generally people stop looking a few seconds before death

Not before. :P

Seriously, one of my friends told me his dad was still flirting with the nurses even while he was on his deathbed. :crazy:

[CBHagman]

47. That's my attitude, too.

My first thought on seeing the title of this thread was replying, "When the doctor officially pronounces you dead."

[crispini]

50. LOL!

You know, considering how much looking I've done in my life, I'm beginning to think you're right!

[azmouse]

46. Look for a friend first and see if the love follows.

I liked my husband before I loved him. He truly is my best friend. I wasn't looking for love when I met him but we had so much in common that I immediately knew I had to keep him in my life.

[LSK]

48. i dont try at all and I dont see the point

Id rather live a clean and calm and pure like you describe. Except for being stressed out at work, I am at peace at home and I am free to do what I want when I want.

[av8rdave]

51. For me, I didn't find romance until I stopped looking for it...

I think maybe it's more like it found me somehow. Speaking from my own experience, I don't think I would have found it by looking, only because I would have been looking too hard.

All in all, it worked out great....wish the same for you!

[jobycom]

52. I find it with someone new every day.

And when I don't have any more good books to read, I start writing my own. :-)

[WritingIsMyReligion]

56. !

:rofl:

:applause:

[GOPisEvil]

57. You never freaking know.

One day you're happily alone, the next, whammo! I can't stand dating either, thankfully I found someone who isn't a normal date kinda woman. :D

[noonwitch]

62. Never give up

I'm holding out for romance. I will not settle for anything else-I'm not desperate. No man is better than a worthless one.

[El Fuego]

63. You are so right, dating is like WORK

After a breakup a while ago I got to a point where I decided to date again. And it's like a job -- you have to network network network, and try to have a thick skin. It's fun at times, but as you know, sometimes not...

It finally paid off for me. If I hadn't gone through that pro-active dating phase I never would have met anybody.

[WCGreen]

64. Dating isn't all that fun....

But the querry is good.