raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:41 PM
Original message |
Do you seriously question your judgment of character |
|
when you meet someone and think they seem like a real nice person and have their stuff together, are responsible, and have other sterling qualities....
...only to find out in a few weeks or months that the person has serious character flaws?
It makes me think, "How could I have been so wrong about So-and-So?"
I know people can change over time, but when this sort of thing happens over a short period of time, I think, if only there were an acid test.
|
ZombieNixon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:42 PM
Response to Original message |
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:50 PM
Response to Reply #1 |
3. I guess that's why getting to know somebody is so important. |
|
This happened to me recently, not with somebody who was my SO or a potential SO, but somebody I knew from a group we both belong to.
I even thought, if I have a business one day I'd like to hire him. Not any more!
But the worst time this happened was with a close relative. When she changed into the shape of a wolf metamorphosed into Dr. Hyde showed her dark side in a blatant, abusive, mean, hateful, disrespectful manner, then I could look back and see things she'd said or done over the years that might've tipped me off. Except I didn't want to see them, I guess.
|
ZombieNixon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:53 PM
Response to Reply #3 |
5. Of course, this happened to me recently as well, |
|
with my ex-girlfriend, though, as she was someone I had known closely for eight years, it really does make me question my judgement of character. :(
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:55 PM
Response to Reply #5 |
7. Can you look back now and see things she did or said that |
|
might have tipped you off? (Hindsight's always 20-20 :-( )
|
ZombieNixon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:59 PM
Response to Reply #7 |
10. Well, I can think of things that should have made me think |
|
that things weren't all right, but I knew she had some issues, and I didn't have a problem with that. It just turned out that she wasn't being honest with me when we had agreed not to hide anything from each other and after eight years I thought I could trust her completely. :(
|
MissMillie
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:49 PM
Response to Original message |
2. This is why I have given up on dating |
|
I have a serious record of picking terrible men.
I no longer trust myself to know a good one when I see one.
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:53 PM
Response to Reply #2 |
4. Me too!!! I told my sister recently, next time I see an eligible man |
|
who I have no interest in and feel no instant chemistry for, I'll know he's the one for me to get interested in. LOL.
Seriously, the ones I have a strong physical attraction toward are trouble (at least that's how it's been for the past several years)--and in my head, I know it.
|
MissMillie
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:56 PM
Response to Reply #4 |
8. the ones I have ANY kind of attraction for are trouble |
|
Edited on Tue May-09-06 01:57 PM by MissMillie
well, trouble in the sense that they will probably end up mistreating me, in one way or another--most typically by making themselves unavailable (they wait until after I start to warm up to them to do this).
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:42 PM
Response to Reply #8 |
22. That's how abusers usually work. They'll be nice in the beginning |
|
Edited on Tue May-09-06 02:44 PM by raccoon
--to get somebody interested in them--and then when the other person is "hooked" they start their abusive behavior.
If they were abusive from the very beginning their chances of getting in a relationship with anyone would be seriously diminished.
|
Nicholas D Wolfwood
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:56 PM
Original message |
Perhaps there's an unaddressed issue at work here. |
|
Lots of women with father issues wind up going for the wrong guy because they want to try to fix their father. Maybe you could be doing something similar?
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:01 PM
Response to Original message |
11. I'm thinking on a more global level than just an SO thing. |
|
But I have gone for the wrong guy at times, that's for sure.
One rule I have for myself is I will never get involved with a man who's recently separated from his wife.
|
Nicholas D Wolfwood
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:55 PM
Response to Original message |
|
Because when people put their best foot forward, you don't see everything. How can you make an informed decision without half of the information?
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 01:56 PM
Response to Reply #6 |
9. Good point. Most people can hide their dark side for a while. |
|
Some, such as Ted Bundy, can hide it for QUITE a while.
|
WritingIsMyReligion
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:09 PM
Response to Original message |
12. Cynical me is rarely not contriving something horrible. |
|
Edited on Tue May-09-06 02:10 PM by WritingIsMyReligion
Everyone has an issue, if you look hard enough and narrow-mindedly enough.
:shrug:
|
skygazer
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:13 PM
Response to Original message |
13. I think we all have times when we do that |
|
And when we're personally traumatised or badly hurt by the person, we tend to become more cynical and lose our trust in humanity in general. I spent many years inside a tightly protected shell, not letting anyone in. It's not a nice way to live.
I've come to the conclusion that there's a fine line between being naive and overly trusting and being completely cynical. It's not easy to maintain a balance between the two but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong, while trying not to lose sight of any extraneous clues they give me. Am I still fooled at times? Oh, yes. But I've come to see it as part of being human. :shrug:
|
GirlinContempt
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:15 PM
Response to Original message |
|
Edited on Tue May-09-06 02:20 PM by GirlinContempt
Happens to me a fair bit.
EDIT: To be fair to my self, I'm right FAR FAR more often than I'm wrong. It's just the 'wrong' ones that really stick out.
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:26 PM
Response to Reply #14 |
19. Right, it's the few wrong ones that stick out. It's like if 19 people |
|
say something positive and one says something negative, it's easier to remember the negative. It's something I'm trying to work on.
|
GirlinContempt
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:32 PM
Response to Reply #19 |
|
People remember negatives far more often, talk about them more often, and dwell on them more often.
You're probably, at minimum, three times more likely to have someone give you a negative review of a restaurant or movie, not because there are more bad, but because it's more interesting to talk about.
I try to curb that in myself, but it's very hard.
|
Sugar Smack
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:52 PM
Response to Reply #21 |
26. Are you SURE you're not a rhinologist? |
|
Edited on Tue May-09-06 03:44 PM by Sugar Smack
If you aren't a rhinologist I'll DIE!!!!!!!!!!!
:silly:
|
Ariana Celeste
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:22 PM
Response to Original message |
|
I became friends with this one chick awhile back, because her boyfriend and I had become drinking buddies. Her boyfriend worked the same shift at the same place as my SO- that's how I met the guy in the first place- awesome dude. He and I got together once or twice a week and had a few beers together and talked shit and generally just had a good time. Eventually his girlfriend stopped by. So I chatted it up with her, wanted to make her comfortable, let her see that I was no threat, yanno? And we became friends. Started hanging out and I babysat for her a little bit, and just fell in love with her kid. By this point I knew her and her b/f fought a lot. Didn't realize how bad it really was until one night somehow I got caught up in the middle of one of the fights (I posted about it after it happened, a few months ago- cops were called, chick was freaking out, had to take her kid for awhile so her kid didn't see her beating herself up, yadda yadda). Pretty much since then I've lost interest in her as a friend, between her accusing me of betraying her trust, her using her kid as a weapon against her b/f, and her just pretty much being a bitch. I don't call chicks that very often, either.
I still can't figure out why I didn't see it in the first place. I thought this chick was so cool, so much like me. But she just *poof* went crazy. Ugh.
Also another chick I thought was awesome turned out to be a crackhead- a real crackhead. Which I could have dealt with if not for the fact she was living in my apt, not paying any rent or helping do anything at all, and talking shit about me to *my* friends in my complex, rather than her own friends who don't know me. Hmm.
I'm just kind of half expecting the rest of my friends to show a dark side.
|
LaraMN
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:24 PM
Response to Original message |
16. I assume character flaws and just wait to find out what and how |
|
Edited on Tue May-09-06 02:25 PM by LaraMN
significant they are. I've got 'em, I don't expect anyone else to be without 'em!
|
GirlinContempt
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:24 PM
Response to Reply #16 |
|
You're my twin, and therefor just like me :P
|
LaraMN
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:26 PM
Response to Reply #17 |
18. Ok, yeah, but we can't go around intimidating everyone with our |
|
immense perfection, right? Because that in itself would be flawtagious.
|
GirlinContempt
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:29 PM
Response to Reply #18 |
20. well of course we wouldn't want to do that |
|
but we know it, just between you and i ;)
|
LaraMN
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 03:39 PM
Response to Reply #20 |
32. We do. Of course we do. |
|
And yet we're sensitive to the feelings of the "little people." Bless us. :rofl:
|
GirlinContempt
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 04:58 PM
Response to Reply #32 |
36. The little people need all the help they can get |
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:48 PM
Response to Reply #16 |
24. Sure, nobody's perfect. I mean when your basic "take" of |
LaraMN
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 03:44 PM
Response to Reply #24 |
33. Gotcha. It hasn't happened to me in a long time. |
|
I had some...interesting...boyfriends though, as a result of ignoring personality traits in favor of seeking appealing physical attributes in numerous instances, though.:scared:
|
Dangerously Amused
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:43 PM
Response to Original message |
23. Acid is too good for them. |
kiraboo
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:49 PM
Response to Original message |
25. I think I'm a reasonably good judge. What is more likely |
|
is that I will see the flaws and pretend they're not there or that I can make them go away. An idiot, that's me.
|
ThomCat
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 02:56 PM
Response to Original message |
27. I'm a cynic, and a bit of a curmudgeon. |
|
I may be very friendly and I may like someone very much because of a good first impression, but I only invest in people gradually as I get to know them.
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 08:13 AM
Response to Reply #27 |
38. The best policy, IMHO. Which is why I'd definitely want to get |
|
to know a man BEFORE dating him.
|
Ohio Joe
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 03:00 PM
Response to Original message |
28. Only when it comes to women I date |
|
It appears that I have absolutly no good judgement in this area.
|
AngryAmish
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 03:02 PM
Response to Original message |
29. I was totally fooled by a grifter once |
|
I wasn't the person being grifted. I totally believed her. She was that good.
|
Mutley
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 03:09 PM
Response to Original message |
|
And it was more like after a few years I found out he had serious character flaws. x(
|
Patiod
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 03:19 PM
Response to Original message |
31. Had a boss I thought was great |
|
After having dinner with she and my SO, my SO said "you do realize that Lisa is seriously f$cking nuts, right?"
"She is not! She's really great."
He just shrugged and shook his head.
A after that, I was out on my ass because I didn't want to go through her mind-control "est"/"The Forum" thing (that she was obsessed with), and couldn't deal with the ups and downs of her obvious bipolarity.
Heard later that someone else this happened to approached her at a trade show and said "do you REALIZE how many lives you've ruined with your craziness?"
We all make our mistakes....
|
Left Is Write
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 03:45 PM
Response to Original message |
34. What kind of character flaws? |
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 08:12 AM
Response to Reply #34 |
37. Well, for one, the person has a serious problem dealing with anger, |
|
has "bad nerves", and takes it out on anyone who is so unfortunate as to be associated with them in any way. I had this happen to me once with a friend. Looking back, I could see that she'd had a lot of conflicts with other people. One day it was my turn.
In the case that happened to me most recently, I thought this person was sensible, reliable, responsible, etc. As I mentioned above I thought if I ever had a business, I thought he'd make a good employee.
Turns out this guy pisses other people off a lot--basically by trying to tell them what to do. Also he broke a clock one day, took it off the wall and threw it down and broke it, and broke a table too. The table was in bad shape to begin with, but he didn't need to tear it up.
I guess I don't need to say I wouldn't hire him for anything. Unless I had a business tearing old houses and buildings down. :silly:
|
alarimer
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue May-09-06 04:33 PM
Response to Original message |
35. Yes on one occasion in particular |
|
I met a guy once who I thought was divorced (I think he told me specifically but I never directly asked), only for it to turn out that he was still married though separated. There were other reasons I question my judgement with regards to this guy. He apparently lied a lot and I missed all the signs.
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 08:16 AM
Response to Reply #35 |
|
I got burned badly once in a relationship with a man who had just separated from his wife.
|
Dangerously Amused
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 03:37 PM
Response to Reply #40 |
44. Word. And it really doesn't matter how long they've been separated. |
|
In fact the longer the separation, the bigger the red flag: If they really wanted to be divorced and if they were really ready for a new relationship, they would be divorced by the time they start up/enter into a relationship with you.
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Thu May-11-06 08:37 AM
Response to Reply #44 |
45. Exactly, Dangerously. |
|
"In fact the longer the separation, the bigger the red flag"
I knew a man once who'd been "separated" for years and years. (Fortunately, I didn't get involved with this one.) I suspect in his case, they didn't divorce because they didn't want to divide the assets.
But whatever the reason (who cares?) I'm glad I passed on that one! :-)
|
wildhorses
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 08:15 AM
Response to Original message |
39. no....people can lie and they are on their BEST behavior when |
|
you first meet after awhile though the newness wears off and the truth like cream will rise to the top...
|
Cathyclysmic
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 08:27 AM
Response to Original message |
41. I just found out my mentor at work is on the 'marching powder' |
|
I thought she managed to stay so energetic because she was a vegetarian...I'm so naive!:blush:
With that said, maybe this person you feel has a serious character flaw...maybe when formed your initial opinion of them you were too quick. People are too complex to form a concrete opinion of in a few months. Except for people with mullets, I write them off pretty quick without a second thought.
|
raccoon
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 11:01 AM
Response to Reply #41 |
42. What does that mean? "the marching powder" ? nt |
Cathyclysmic
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed May-10-06 02:49 PM
Response to Reply #42 |
Skittles
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Thu May-11-06 08:49 AM
Response to Original message |
46. nope, I am extremely good at sizing people up almost on sight |
|
I think perhaps I developed good instincts as a GI brat
|
DU
AdBot (1000+ posts) |
Fri May 10th 2024, 10:51 PM
Response to Original message |