Today I told the love of my life to go F*** himself because

[kiraboo]

he's in love with somebody else. Smart move? Or can one of you please come & shoot me & put me out of my misery?

[JVS]

1. Why not tell him to go fuck that somebody else whom he's in love with?

:shrug:

Bummer, anyway.

[kiraboo]

5. Because he needs no instruction from me? Maybe?

[EstimatedProphet]

2. I'm sorry

That's hard to go through.

:hug:

[LeftyMom]

3. I'm sorry.

:hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

4. Ouch! Am sorry you have had this happen

And it doesn't matter whether it was a "smart move" or not. You needed to vent and you vented on the right person. :hug:

[kiraboo]

7. I suppose so.

He says he still loves me. I don't believe it any more.

I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS!!!:cry:

[caty]

84. He told you that he

still loves you so that, if it doesn't work out with the new love, the door might still be open to come back to you. But, if you can't trust him, you can't respect him. And can you really love a man you can't respect. Give yourself some time. There are a lot of great guys looking for a great woman---you!:pals: :hug:

[crispini]

6. Hoboy.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[kiraboo]

9. Thanks for the hugs

and the pink fuzzy handcuffs. They'll keep me from strangling him.

[reyd reid reed]

8. I'm sorry...

:hug:

If it's any help at all, not only was it the smart move, it was the ONLY move.

I'm proud of you.

:hug::hug:

[kiraboo]

10. I'm not feeling very proud of myself. Just kinda lonely.

Ah well.

[reyd reid reed]

14. That'll pass, in time...

While we're waiting...tell me something Good that happened this week!

[kiraboo]

71. Well, it did stop raining for a couple of hours this morning!

Honestly, the weather has surely got something to do with my mood. It's been abominable. And you... what pleasant thing has happened to you lately?

[WritingIsMyReligion]

74. Oh, my--Don't get me started on Maine weather of late.

:grr::grr:

:D

[Random_Australian]

16. You're lonely? Have this:

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
                                                  :loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
                              :loveya::pals::pals::pals::pals::hug::hug::hug::hug::pals::pals::pals::pals::loveya:
          :loveya::loveya::loveya::pals::pals::pals::hug::hug::hug:YOU ARE HERE:hug::hug::hug::pals::pals::pals::loveya::loveya::loveya:
                             :loveya::pals::pals::pals::pals::hug::hug::hug::hug::pals::pals::pals::pals::loveya:
                                                  :loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edit: Your, you're, same diff.

[kiraboo]

21. Thank you Random. You always come through

with the best hugs!

[Suich]

11. Oh dear....I'm so sorry.

Here: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

12. He's in love with someone else, but he still loves you?

Is this one of those "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" deals? I hate that shit.
Fuck him.
You can do better.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[kiraboo]

22. It's unclear, really.

Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time?
Me either.

[ldf]

43. it IS possible

but fair only if everyone is in agreement, and ok with it.

[regnaD kciN]

80. It's definitely possible to be in love with two people at once...

...or three, four, five, etc.

However, if one is a person of integrity, and in a committed relationship (including, but not limited to, marriage) with one of those people, the only honorable thing to do is reaffirm one's committment to that person, file the other(s) under the "what might have been" category, and appreciate the non-romantic relationship you can have with him/her/them while hoping for the best for them (including finding a relationship of their own, however hard it might seem for you).

NOTE: The above may not apply to males living in Iran, Saudi Arabia, or certain parts of Utah. :evilgrin:

[SoCalDem]

62. He sounds like he's indecisive..good riddance to him

It sucks when men (or women) cannot make a decision, and instead, string another person along..hopinf that THEY will jump ship and spare them the "trouble"..

I know it hurts now, but as long as you are connected to THAT guy emotionally, you will not be receptive to the one who will make YOU the important person in his life.. Take the "old-guy-blinders" off and thnak your lucky stars that he's gone..now you can concentrate on YOU..and when someone new comes into your life, you will be ready for them.

50 years from now it won't even matter :)

[kiraboo]

67. That is precisely it.

That, and he doesn't want to hurt anybody so he ends up hurting one and all.

He's a pussycat though, when he's feeling fond.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

88. I love many people

My husband knows he can't take the place of my friends any more than they can take his place in my heart.

I won't deny that there are men other than my husband that I find attractive. But there's only one I have sex with; and he's the one I have a commitment with. I can't see breaking that commitment to start a new one...just seems dumb.

If you decide to stick with him, yours won't be the first marriage that survived an affair; but he's got to give up his fantasy and focus on YOU.

But nobody could blame you if you didn't.

:hug:

[ZombieNixon]

13. Really, it's both.

Not just the smart move, but the only move, and yes, it feels like you want to be shot. Trust me, I know.

But, really, the fact that you had to do that just goes to show that he really wasn't the love of your life.

:hug:

[kiraboo]

23. That's what I'm trying to tell myself.

I'm sorry if you've been through something like this!

[jukes]

15. tough call

but ending it now will start the healing that much sooner.

[Floogeldy]

17. Tough call, my ass!

Loves somebody else?

Knock, knock. ;)

[jukes]

18. yes, but love makes fools of us all

even jukes has taken a tumble now & then.

[kiraboo]

24. Then I'm in good company! :)

[jukes]

89. !!!

:pals:

[Common Sense Party]

19. Sounds like a very smart move. But, he is THE love of your

WHOLE ENTIRE life? Life ain't over, probably not by a long shot. He might have been A love of your life, but THE love has yet to appear.

[kiraboo]

25. I'll be 43 in a couple of months.

The shelf life of the female is rather short.

[Common Sense Party]

54. I know what you mean...but it ain't over 'til it's over. n/t

[Joey Liberal]

64. That's the best age n.t

[kiraboo]

70. Ah, one of the rare, wise ones!

[regnaD kciN]

81. Hey, young'un...

The shelf life of the female is rather short.

Maybe that's true if you really, really want to have more children. Otherwise...NOT!

For the record, I'm 49, and my wife is only a few months younger than you, and still seems young to me. Age is definitely relative. True, you might not be able to find a 19-year-old boyfriend (then again, maybe you could), but, honestly, why would you want to?

[jukes]

90. not true, kiraboo!

there's plenty of men in your age bracket faced w/ sim circumstances.

some think they're going to find a 28 YO supermodel anyday now, but many of us appreciate the value of an experienced women.

at 43, you're *not* old! trust me.

[jberryhill]

92. Ummm....

I'm 42, my wife is 50. We've been married for two years, and she's giving that shelf a run for its money.

[Robeson]

20. I'm sorry....

...:hug:

[kiraboo]

26. Thank you for the hug, Robeson.

[In_The_Wind]

27. I'm so sorry, kiraboo but it was the only thing that you could do.

[miss_american_pie]

28. I'm so sorry

:hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

29. That happened to me a long time ago.

My first BF fell in love with someone else, and I was too young and naive to know what to do. I held on for too long---he eventually decided not to pursue the other relationship, but from then on, he thought he could get away with anything and tried repeatedly. I finally had the courage to break up with him and did it.

If I'd had it to do all over again, I would have told him to go f*ck himself immediately and saved myself a lot of grief. It would still have been painful, but I let it drag on too long. I think you did the right thing! :hug:

[Dangerously Amused]

57. Hey kiraboo, good advice there from NewWaveChick.

You have to walk away from that situation, even though it hurts to do it. You have to. Otherwise you will be enabling his manipulation of you, and he will have no motivation to treat you with the respect you deserve as long as you let him get away with it.


A hard (l)earned lesson: It really is better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one.


But I am sorry for your pain. :(

Here's a big hug, honey:

[kiraboo]

58. You're right Dangerously.

The thing is, I keep believing what he tells me, until he tells me he's changed his mind (again). (and again) (and again)

Normally I'm not gullible. This has thrown me so off-balance.

[Dangerously Amused]

63. Here is something that I have found to be true:

If you still really like him despite this situation... that is all the more reason to walk away; if you walk away from a disintegrating relationship with class, without much drama and with your head held high, the other person will always come back. It may takes years, but it will happen. And then you will be in the driver's seat, and you can decide whether to take him back or not.


Good luck sweetie. :hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

65. Thanks, DA!

It was definitely a hard lesson learned, but I'm much stronger for it. Kiraboo, we're just looking out for you. Don't compromise yourself. :hug:

[regnaD kciN]

82. Good point, and also...

...even if he were to come back to you and not keep roaming thereafter, it oftentimes happens that your feelings for him change irrevocably -- that, after a few days/weeks/months back together, you realize that his actions have killed off your love for him, and it's over anyway.

However, I think this question needs to be answered: When he tells you he's in love with someone else (as well as with you), did he indicate he wanted to act upon it? There's a difference in my mind between admitting you have feelings for someone else but you really don't want to break up your current relationship, versus "I'm in love with both of you, and I want your permission for me to have sex with her as well as you." One's merely stupid, the other's slimy.

[Joey Liberal]

30. Smart move

You seem like a great lady and you will find someone else with no problem.

[Comadreja]

31. I'm available

How come there's no DU matchmaker thread, anyway?

[kiraboo]

41. Good question. Look into it, would you? :)

[xchrom]

32. girrrrrl! get your channel #5 out and fix your hair

and go get yourself a shiny new ''piece''.


that's the one thing about boys -- there's one around every corner.

[Aristus]

33. Oh, sweetie...

I'm so sorry. :hug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

34. Bastard.

:grr:

Very smart move, and probably the only move.

:hug:

[kiraboo]

36. You of all people know the slim pickens around here,

man-wise!

[WritingIsMyReligion]

37. LOL!

Especially when the "men" are all of 14 years old. High school testosterone-hyped asshats. :grr:

:hi:

[kiraboo]

47. I remember your age, because my daughter is fourteen too.

Though her birthday is this Tuesday. She's not even looking, the male situation is so sad at her high school. Fortunately for you both, there is PLENTY of time.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

48. Yeah, but we're impatient.

All we want is someone--anyone--to love us. And even though our parents love us, it just isn't the same, you know? We want someone from outside to love us for who we are, to love us as deeply as family without actually being family, because that proves beyond all doubts that we truly ARE worth loving. With family--well, you get that sense, correct or not, that they love you because you're family. Which is great, and wonderful, but you want someone to come in and love you, unconditionally, without being related to you or any of that--again, because it proves that you are worth loving.

:( :( :(

[kiraboo]

49. And you know what? You're right.

Your parents love you unconditionally and you're never going to find anything like it except, perhaps, in your own children. Human beings of all ages, though, look to others to validate their worth and I understand what you're saying about finding Mr. Right.

Time moves slowly when you're fourteen. I remember, I really do.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

51. It seems to move like cold molasses.

We finally begin to see how wide the universe is spread--how far apart people drift, and think nothing of it. When you're young, it seems to me, the whole world is so perfect, and everybody can be your friend. I mean, I just look around at school, and think, "How many of these people will I ever see again after graduation?" Probably very, very, very few. It's a scary thought.

:hug:

[kiraboo]

52. We make the choice either to care, or to "think nothing of it."

It's true that people isolate themselves maybe because of the fear you describe. You don't have to be one of them. I'm probably being too maternal here.

Have to turn over the computer to my son, who is thirteen. I'll see you later.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

53. Make sure he behaves online!

;)

:hi:

[Totallybushed]

35. Smart move!

Why should you settle for second place? You have more self-respect than that!

[npincus]

38. sorry for that.

Don't regret anything you said or did. Gone is gone. Asking the question whether or not it was a smart move suggests you may still be thinking about strategy and winning him back. Please don't. Big mistake. You have to move on. If he's in love with someone else, he's not coming back- do not delude yourself. I have experience in time wasted. And, a great-aunt of mine (deceased now) spent her enitre adult life crying over her husband who left her when she was very young.... I have vivid memories of her as an elderly woman, many times, sitting and crying and cursing her husband for leaving her, what, 50 or 60 years earlier! Imagine, she wasted he whole life pining over that man.

Do whatever makes you feel better (don't shoot yourself, no man is worth it) and helps you get through a rough time. Believe it or not, you will fall in love with soemone else, when the time is right. There are plenty of great guys out there... and there's one who will stick with you 4-ever.

And IF IF IF IF this one has some epiphany at some point in the future that he made a mistake, so be it. Don't count on it- just live your life and be happy.

:)

[kiraboo]

42. Wow. I think your great-aunt story will stick with me for a while.

Sometimes it seems like our feelings are not in our control, but they are, aren't they? You've given me something to think about...

[MissB]

39. Everyone else has said what I'd say.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

40. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt

Good move.

RL

[kiraboo]

44. I love the man.

I'm completely screwed :(

[miss_american_pie]

45. You will be okay

Because you are an incredible vibrant strong woman, with or without him. :hug:

[kiraboo]

46. Why thank you, miss american pie.

I really appreciate it.

[maveric]

50. No you're not! You now have the opportunity to do better!

Obviously this asshole had no respect for you, sneaking around and keeping up the ruse. There are better people out there. You are young and intelligent. Someone better will come along. Someone genuine and respectful.
IMHO you did the right thing by telling him to Fuck Off. He's a liar and a cheat and not worth it. Is this the type of person you want to spend your time and life with? From my experience and observations, once a lying cheat, always a lying cheat.
I know how you feel kiraboo. I married someone like that and was in denial for years till it all blew up in my face. There are plenty of good, honest and respectful people out there. Just keep your head up and write him off an an asshole. He did the wrong and you were sincere. You shine and he smells like shit.
You win!

[kiraboo]

55. It's a terribly complicated situation

and I wonder if you'd be as kind if you knew the details. But I truly appreciate your telling me what you went through. It helps.

[hfojvt]

56. One woman that I love

dumped me and married somebody else years later. I hope she is doing well.

Work through your misery, the same way you coped with the devastating results of the last election. Let me see if I can find the advice I gave then. I found that time to be quite heartbreaking, but I am sure it is not so personal or deep. When my dog died recently it sounds like a cliche, but food did not taste good for a few days. But ya gotta keep eating anyway.

[kiraboo]

59. I stopped eating and lost 18 lbs

which would have been superfantastic were I not already rather thin. Antidepressants have me eating again.

I'm very sorry about your dog. It's like losing a best friend.

[hfojvt]

72. okay, my old advice seems kinda lame

but maybe the thread has something

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=2010313

[kiraboo]

73. No, you made sense.

And to tell you the truth I believe that many of us are still dealing with and election hangover.

[Redstone]

60. It'll get better, trust me. Many fish in the sea, and all that. You'll

find someone who will appreciate you.

Really. Just hang in there. And don't let it make you turn bitter.

Redstone

[kiraboo]

66. I hope you're right Redstone.

It's actually amazing how much better I feel writing about this to all you - well - complete strangers. Cathartic, like.

[Redstone]

68. Yes, it helps, doesn't it? And I am right. No matter how miserable you

feel right now, it WILL get better. And if you're a worthwhile person (which I do know you to be), you'll find someone who will appreciate and treasure you.

Trust me on this.

Redstone

[kiraboo]

69. You're a sweet one. Thank you.

[Redstone]

79. You're welcome. Hang in there.

Redstone

[Left Is Write]

61. Ouch.

I'm very sorry you've been hurt. :hug:

[Guava Jelly]

75. man i hate that

been there myself..
hope you are well.

[kiraboo]

77. I've been getting massive, unbelievable support from you guys.

So yes, I am well.

[Demeter]

76. It was your only choice, Kiraboo

Been there, done that, outlived the bastard and saw him divorced before he died, even. Such a fool.

[kiraboo]

78. This would be a post he should read.

Damn, did I say that?

[pitohui]

83. smart move probably not but not a dumb move

if he loves someone else he loves someone else no matter what you say, you wouldn't be able to sweet talk him into suddenly loving you instead

at least this way you got to express your displeasure instead of swallowing it?

onward!

[Just Me]

85. Maybe, wasn't "really" the "love of your life.

'Cause love takes more than one (narcissists excepted).

I recently LEFT an S.O. because he proved to be,...viotile, unbearable with spurts of unjustifiable rage, among other things. Had he stated he was in love with another woman, I'd definitely collect my things and not even bother to say "buh bye, ASSHOLE!!!".

Smart move? Dumb question. Try this, "I just dumped a man who screwed with my life!!! Give me a pat on the back!!!"

[lyonn]

86. There is an old cowboy song that says

"got along without you before I met you gonna get along without you now"

Lots of truth in those words.

[Joey Liberal]

87. That's a great quote! n.t

[sendero]

91. Sure a person can be in love..

.. with two people. But s/he has to pick one. When he told you about it, that meant he wasn't picking you.

You did the only thing you could have done. Your life isn't over, there's still time to find the real love of your life.

[derby378]

93. My wife says you're better off

Better to learn this uncomfortable fact now than after you get married and actually plan a life together.

[Jigarotta]

94. well, if you really love him...

you will be happy for him, and not for you.

I know that's corny, and I haven't read any threads other than your opening post.

We have to come to grips of what love really is and what it means to whom.