Saturday night downer: query re: asshole parents. (Had 'em? Are you them?)

[bertha katzenengel]

I'm trying really hard to understand my dad. Short history: He's never been there, abandoned me & my sisters (to our extreme detriment), never there when I was a teenager, and since I've been an adult has done nothing but to make excuses for himself. But he did give me a job when I needed one and he lent me money FTTT when I was really effed up. And he worked on my car.

But because I try to think the best of people, I have always given him more rope than he probably deserves. It irritates my sisters to no end, this forgiving attitude. I actually HAVE forgiven him for his major failures. But it's the subsequent ones I'm having a hard time with.

Like this. My grandmother has dementia and no longer recognizes anyone. She's in a secure nursing home. Last night, 3:00 AM, he gets a call: Grandma fell out of bed and broke her nose. I'll let him tell it from here:

They were taking her to GG hospital. I got there at 3:30, Mom got there in an ambulance at 3:45. Her nose had been bleeding but had stopped. She said she didn't have any pain, she didn't seem to know that she was injured. The doc on duty ordered a cat-scan to see if there was any damage other than the swollen nose. Mom went to sleep. I asked when is the x-ray? They said about 2 hours. After an hour of nothing happening I went home. She is back at QG now.

Here's my question to the Lounge:

Is it me? Or does that seem especially callous?

Gee, Dad. You waited for a whole hour? And your sleep was disrupted? Boo fucking hoo. She's your MOTHER.

Is it me?

I can hear him asking -- in true bewilderment, ladies and gentlemen, for he does not understand these basics -- "what was I supposed to do? She doesn't know who I am. AND she was asleep. AND they said they'd take her back to the home and call me in the morning with an update. What was I supposed to do: wait?"

Yes, you flaming asshole, you wait! She is your mother! Just because you've told me "just throw me in a ditch if I ever get like that" does not mean that you're entitled to do the same with her!

Guess what, Dad? When one of my cats has a bad asthma attack, I take him to the vet, and if there's a dog-hit-by-car, the cat-with-asthma waits. I wait for a CAT! Even in the middle of the night! And you can't wait for your MOTHER?

Next time QG calls in the middle of the night, tell them to call one of my sisters and go back to fucking sleep, you loser.

Is it me?

[KitchenWitch]

1. No, it is not you!

He sounds like he is missing the requisite nurture genes.

[newcriminal]

2. Sorry, but

I disagree. Hospitals take forever, she seemed to be okay, they will call him if it is anything worse. You obviously have other reasons to be angry with him, but I don't feel this is one of those things to be angry about. She has dementia, and no longer recognizes him so he is probably already trying to deal with her being gone. Cut him some slack on this one.

[Suich]

4. Welcome to DU, newcriminal!

:party: :toast: :woohoo: :applause:

[newcriminal]

5. thank you

My husband is on here so much I thought this would be the easiest way to talk to him.

[Suich]

6. LOL!

Hope that's working out for you!

[bertha katzenengel]

7. I did solicit opinions, didn't I? Okay, for those who think it's okay to

leave, here is why to stay (besides what I think is a given).

Gross-out warning -- don't read if you don't like reading about sick people.

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Email from one sister, who hadn't rec'd Dad's before visiting Grandma:

well, i guess that would explain how horrid she looked when i visited yesterday around 11. her nose is HUGE, bloody (inside and out), blistered, yellow, brown, red, and very nasty looking. i suspected it was broken, but it also had that yellow pus-filled look of infection on the top. she did not seem aware of it in the least. had i known she was taken to the hospital, i would have gone and waited. dad - feel free to call me if middle-of-the-night stuff comes up, or any hospital stuff - i don't mind waiting for the outcome at all. i had to grab a caretaker and ask what happened, and all she knew was that grandma had fallen out of bed. aside from that, it was a fairly uneventful visit. i didn't stay very long, because she was in the "i can't hear you" mode and i was getting frustrated with yelling. and she was unable to form words - she would get out a word or two and then just stall, "wha t is sss... sss... s... s... s... ". it was frustrating her as much as yelling was frustrating me, so i think we were both relieved when i left.

Maybe it's just me and my sisters. But AFAIC, you wait. You wait because it's just what you do, but you also wait because sometimes, "they'll call you if anything is wrong" is not enough. You also wait because she is your mother, your grandmother, your loved one -- even if they don't know you anymore. That is completely moot.

Thanks though for weighing in.

[pitohui]

3. he's a man of that generation

he may be more upset than he can ever express but he prob. feels he is expected to be the whole stiff upper lip, life goes on, type deal

he prob. felt quite helpless, didn't feel like it was right or manly to feel helpless, thought he would "man up" (i actually hear this phrase used by the younger generation emulating the much much older) and pretend he wasn't bothered and head on home

that generation of male feels at home when they can DO or provide -- hence he is happy to give the job, loan the money, but quite helpless at the emotions stuff because that would be the job of "the little woman"


the terrible thing abt alzheimer's is the helplessness, he could do NOTHING by standing around in hospital, he could change NOTHING, he prob. didn't know what to do except go on home and try to blot it out

i am sorry you are going thru this crap and don't know what to say except that chewing out your dad won't fix it, vent here, a lot of us have prob. been there, been on your dad's side of it -- the helpless feeling w. the alzheimer's victim loved one -- too

[Seabiscuit]

10. "that generation"?????????

Which generation do you think you're talkin' about, sonny? How old do you think that man is? I'm old enough to be most people's father here on DU, and I can tell you your characterization of MY generation is WAY OFF BASE!

[seemunkee]

8. I'm with you

They told him how long it would be, what did he expect that it would happen sooner? And what if they found a major problem? Then what would have happened.
Jackass.

[dpbrown]

9. I don't think he had to wait around

She doesn't recognize anyone and is in secure care. The facility transported her and she was getting the appropriate care. She hadn't been thrown in a ditch, she didn't recognize anyone, and there wasn't anything that any outsider could have done.

Making someone sit around and wait for someone who isn't going to know them anyway doesn't do anyone any good.

And maybe it hurts to be around someone who provided for all your needs once but who now is little more than a robot.