Long post-- but I could use advice/kind words/ hugs

[WindRavenX]

I've been on DU since the beginning, and that was before I went off to college. Before I got to college, I never dated, never kissed a boy-- nothing.
College was, and is, freedom. But that's not without pain, as you develop human relationships.
I've had 2 boyfriends, a few hookups, and a lot of heart ache; I'm young, stupid, and love too easily.
Many people in the lounge will no doubt remember some of my pain filled posts mourning a lost love. Your advice, from those who are much older than I am and have been through what I've been through and more, is invaluable and I truly cherish every piece of advice and every well thought. They've made a difference on some truly horrible days.
Now many of you may remember that I am currently seeing someone, someone who is younger than I am, someone who moved across the country with nothing but the clothes on his back and a big suitcase, just to escape the conditions he lived in (Utah), which he felt was trapping him.
He moved to NYC, and we fell in love. See where this is going?
It's been nothing but 11 months of happiness.
But he didn't get into college, and the transition from living at home to being on his own, in a big city, has been hard. Especially since I am his only friend his age that he knows in NYC. Since I go to school in Boston, we saw each other every weekend, which although was fine, left him little time to do anything else.
And so here I am today. I've been through 2 horrific breakups, one dealing with mental illness, one just being an asshole, and here I am today. Friday night, Kyle told me, painfully, he wanted to take a break so he could figure things out on his own. I'm his first girlfriend, his first lover-- first everything. In addition to being without friends, he doesn't know what to do with his life.
This move is, ultimately, for the best. We love each other dearly. And after this painful Friday night, we both went on to have a fun weekend-- despite the pain of what we knew we were going to do. I was naive in my previous relationships, but have learned from them, and I always knew in my heart when it was over, because you know and remember that pain, that horrible, horrible pain, that you get in your heart-- and yes, it is the heart.

On Friday night, and this weekend, my heart never hurt. My mind hurt, because not only am I not going to be seeing someone I love for a while, but I won't be seeing my best friend. And this is the difference between him and all the others: we're friends. We love each other, and I believe it when he says it even after what happened Friday, but we love each other. He just needs to go and have time to think on his own, without me in the background to worry, to figure things out. I truly believe this. I don't feel like I am deluded, and he told me he would have told me if it was me and that if it truly was a breakup instead of a break.

Of all the ways this could have happened-and I knew this would happen- this is possibly the best outcome. He's 19, and he knows he needs to get things in order. I know that. He knows that. And I'm oddly proud of him for knowing this. I encourage him to see other women, to compare them to me, because I am that truly confident I am the best for him. I do not have interest in other people, so I am not going to be looking for other people to engage in emotionally. But for him, if he can even just make friends, then this truly is a good thing. One of my older friends said that this just sounds like "growing pains" in a relationship, and I tend to agree.

So lounge, tell me: am I a fool? Am I a total fucking idiot for having faith again in another person, a fucking 19 year old, that I for some reason, i love and have confidence that he will come back to me when he is ready?

and hugs will be accepted if you have no advice :D

<whew>

[ZombieNixon]

1. Don't know about advice.

Hell, I'm your BF's age. Here's a hug, though. :hug:

Hope things turn out well for you.

Edit: But, I do know a lot about hurt, and you're handling it well and leaving things open with a good outlook instead of closing things off. It bodes well. :hug:

[WindRavenX]

2. fucking 19 year old boys

:grr:

Kidding. :hug: back at you. You've been through a lot too, man.

[ZombieNixon]

3. Yeah, read my edit.

:)

[WindRavenX]

4. we're still going to talk to each other and see each other...

...albeit not as much, of course, but fuck man...this just feels like it's not goodbye.

[ZombieNixon]

7. Then it isn't.

I now know what goodbye feels like. I sure as hell wish I didn't. x(

What struck me was that you said you're encouraging him to see other women because you're confident, which seems like a really good sign and it made me think about what I've been through.

It made me wonder if I'm really that confident about myself. I wonder (though I probably shouldn't) if my ex had had the spine to break up with me when she should have, how I would have reacted. I don't know that I would have freaked out any less. Of course, the whole sex-with-the-guy-who's-not-me thing kind of shove that one out the window. :D

You'll get better. It's been a month (or so; I've stopped keeping track) since I dumped her and it doesn't really hurt anymore, even when I think about her. Neither of you really did anything to hurt the other in this situation (as a far as I can tell, correct me if I'm wrong), so things will work out. You haven't lost him in any case. :)

[RevolutionaryActs]

5. I'm sorry to say, I have no advice.

But here's a hug. :hug:



I must say though, it sounds like things will work out. :)

[crispini]

6. well.

yes. no. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

It's all a part of life's rich pageant.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. My dear WindRavenX.......

First...let me hasten to say, YOU ARE NO FOOL!

Far from it! YOu have been through a lot, and you have learned from all of it....

I think that you have the right idea: this is not a break-up, but a break...

You two love each other, and that is such a good and wonderful thing.

My suspicion is that he will be back, though I can't say when.

All my very best for you in this time when your heart will be on trial...

I've got your back.....


:loveya: :hug:

[WindRavenX]

9. thank you for your kind thoughts

:hug:

You'll be in mine too :hug:

[Mikimouse]

10. Strictly speaking as a 'romantic'...

You are no more a fool than am I (...waiting for the DU chorus to chime in...about now). I had a similar situation in 1995, with a younger woman who was really my dearest friend and one of the true loves of my life. We had dated in early 1994, but went in different directions after she graduated from college, and she wanted to 'spread her wings' so to speak. She came back to see me in late 1995 and we picked up where we left off. The greatest joy I have ever known was helping her to find a job through a contacct of mine. I didn't get the job for her, she did that, but I steered her in the right direction. Anyway, long story short, she didn't really break up with me, she just wanted to find out who she was, and I tried to understand her point of view. The hardest thing for me was when she told me that she loved me as I loved her, but that her priorities were different, right now. This is not to say that I didn't mourn for the relationship that could have been, I did. I cried off and on for weeks afterward, but always had positive thoughts for her and hope for the future. One of my associates gave me great advice at the time, which I will happily share with you. If you love someone, or something, you must love them enough to let them go; if it is meant to be, they will come back to you. I'm sending hugs to you WRX; I got them when I needed them, and I gratefully pass them on to you.:hug:

[WindRavenX]

11. exactly

If you love someone, or something, you must love them enough to let them go; if it is meant to be, they will come back to you.

Exactly.

Exactly.

:cry:

I had this happen to the last man I loved, and he didnt come back- but I knew he wouldn't. This feels different-- and it's a good feeling.

[Mikimouse]

12. Hugs to you, kiddo (no offense, I'm an old goat), I'll keep both of you in

my thoughts.

[WindRavenX]

13. thank you

:hug:

Your words have made this evening much easier.

[regnaD kciN]

19. I didn't want to quote that passage to you...

...because I've heard it so often it's almost become a cliche for me...but that doesn't make it any less true.

As far as I'm concerned, you handled it in an amazingly mature manner. So young and so wise!

Will he come back? I don't know -- but I do suspect that, whatever happens, it will be the best thing in the long run. I'll also say this: if I was that young man, I'd want to take the time to "find myself," but I'd be nuts if I didn't wind up returning! (Although I would admit that, for me, that whole Yankee fan bit would be a huuuuuge obstacle... ;-) )

Anyway, :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[jadedconformist]

14. Some simple words for you..

What's your age difference?

I'll tell you this much - When you date somebody a lot younger (or begin dating very young, even), you will both go through so many changes throughout the years. You have to learn to adapt to each other, and sometimes you just grow into totally different people that it seems no matter how hard you try to adjust and/or fight it, you eventually have to come to terms with the fact that you are not as compatible as you once were. I just recently ended it with my girlfriend of seven years. We dated when we were teens. (I'm 26 right now). Sometimes it's not even so much that you change, but what you look for in a mate may change as you get older. So many other things besides chemistry and looks come into play. When you're younger, you probably don't think too much about their political affiliation, their religion, their preference on living in a small town or a large city, where you want your kids to be raised; or if they even want kids at all! It's not just about a fairy tale romance anymore. Reality eventually hits you. This is the real world so after the honeymoon is over you must be prepared for the real tests.

That said, I still think you will probably never have closure because you even said yourself that it doesn't feel like "bye." You say that you want him to meet other girls to compare them to you -- what if he does end up falling for another girl? Will your attitude towards him still be the same? I still am not really sure what a "break" means. I guess as long as you two have discussed what it means than that's good enough. I say this because you say you pretty much told him to date other girls. Just trying to make sure you're not setting yourself up for trouble. Nothing ever seems to be black & white; so many grey areas. If in the end you get hurt, at least take something from it with you. I've learned that you appreciate much more the person that treats you right after you've had your heart broken a few times. Remember that! Anyhow, I wish you the best. Love is great and complicated all the same. Not to mention a bitch at times! Good luck. :)

[WindRavenX]

28. we're two years a[art

He's 19, I'm 21.

And everything in your post is everything that's been on my mind.

If he falls for another girl, that's that. Nothing can change that. He has free will, and so do I.

Thank you for the thoughtful post :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. If he hasn't lied to you before

I see no reason not to trust him now. Maybe this would be a good time for you to examine your feelings about your relationship. You don't mention your age; but I gather that you aren't exactly AARP material yet. ;-)

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

16. You are not a fool .

I can only offer you hugs. Sometimes I just wish that I could meet " the one " and get this other mess over with.

[steely]

17. You're no fool - you are doing the right thing - it's what's in you.

It's been 50 years, I still haven't learned myself, angel.
There are many paths we can take, and that can leave many alternatives to think about - it boggles.
peace to you.

[bigwillq]

18. If it's meant to be...

He will come back. You two will find each other again.

If not, ain't no shame in that. Not your fault either.
You are strong enough to move on.


From what I read, it seems like it's for the best (which you admitted).

He's 19. That's young. Let him live his life with no regrets. He needs to figure out what it is that's going to make him happy. He needs to make himself happy first before he could ever make another person (including you) truly happy.

Heck you're young too. Live your life.

Hoping for the best though. :hi: :hug:

[wildhorses]

20. well...no advice just a lot of hope and best wishes for the both of

you. No matter the future if you are truly Friends then time has no meaning.
:hug::hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

21. You would be an idiot if you didn't have faith in other people. One

has to put themselves out there, IMO, to expose themselves to possible hurt sometimes, to find happiness.

WindRaven, you will get through this. You sound like such a wonderful human being. I know that sometimes rings hollow, but believe me when I say it.

To you WR. :hug: :loveya:

[Random_Australian]

22. I'm too young (18) to give advice, but I have some nice smilies for you:

:hi:                       :hi:
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:hi::hi::hi::hi::hi::hi::hi::hi::hi:
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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
                                                  :loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
                              :loveya::pals::pals::pals::pals::hug::hug::hug::hug::pals::pals::pals::pals::loveya:
          :loveya::loveya::loveya::pals::pals::pals::hug::hug::hug:YOU ARE HERE:hug::hug::hug::pals::pals::pals::loveya::loveya::loveya:
                             :loveya::pals::pals::pals::pals::hug::hug::hug::hug::pals::pals::pals::pals::loveya:
                                                  :loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya::loveya:
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[miss_american_pie]

23. You aren't a fool

Sometimes relationships do work out. :hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

24. I don't think anyone has mentioned this yet, but you say

that he has no other friends his age.

As such, the intensity of your relationship may be too much for him. Perhaps he's really saying that he needs to grow a little more and find out who he is on the East Coast by finding compatible people to hang out with. At the very least, he needs some guys to do guy stuff with.

It's great if two lovers are best friends, but not if one lover is the ONLY friend for the other.

[WindRavenX]

29. you hit the head on the nail

but not if one lover is the ONLY friend for the other.

That has always been my concern for him, and I'm glad I wasn't crazy for thinking it.

Thank you for your words :hi:

[Orsino]

25. Oh, go ahead and be a fool.

We all do, I suspect, and it's our capacity for fixating on another person that enables us to wed for life.

Yes, you may have further heartbreak, but you will also recover. Love is a gamble, but it is worth risking nearly anything.

[Squeech]

26. Hmmm...

I thought I posted in this thread already this morning, but it has disappeared. And it wasn't even that stoopid.

Not that I am in any way sophisticated about matters of the heart.

But in my limited experience, I think that mikimouse has posted the wisest advice so far.

I would also like to say that I have found that, in the course of several relationships, I seem to have learned whatever I should have known at the beginning in the course of trying to make the relationship work. It's a tautology to say that in all cases except the last it was too little too late; that's why past relationships are past. It would have been nice to have more foresight about this; maybe your sweetie is wiser than he knows.

Anyway, my advice is worth no more than what you paid for it, and I'm old enough to be your dad.

:hug:

[tigereye]

27. sounds like you both did a good and right and mature, thing

:grouphug:

[WindRavenX]

30. thank you everyone

I feel so much better after reading the wonderful advice you have all given. :hug:

[yvr girl]

31. Just be prepared...a break may turn into a break-up

It might not, but you never know. I think you're wise to give him the freedom to figure things out. You can't hold on to someone anyway.

Don't shut yourself off from any opportunities. You don't have to hunt down a man, but be open.

I wish you much happiness, and I hope your guy finds his path in life.

[WindRavenX]

32. word

I'm going out this weekend to the bars to get slammered and have a good time =)

[Rowdyboy]

33. The only advice I can offer is this.....

From the age of 18-35 I loved three men, all of whom were absolutely disasterous for me. It takes time to discover exactly what you want. What and who I desired at 18 changed by 25 and changed again by 30. Then I met the person I needed to be with and 17 years later we're still deeply in love.

My heart was broken multiple times. Its part of what makes me who I am today. For your sake, I hope everything works out and you guys are life-mates. But, if you aren't, life will return and you'll be okay. You are young, smart, strong and resiliant-just give life a little more time.

And you definitely deserve a hug :hug:

[Kat45]

34. I think you two are doing the right thing

And things will happen however they're supposed to happen. Sending hugs to you, Gen. :hug:

[sendero]

35. There is nothing foolish..

... about having a positive attitude. Events will unfold as they will, and at some future time the relationship will resume or end. There is no way for you to know which it will be at this time, and no reason to fret unduly over it.

Whether or not you should shut out any new possible relationships that may develop is up to you. In any event, you will be with someone someday who will make you happy. That I really believe!

Yes, I am channelling Ms. Cleo! :)

[WindRavenX]

36. and btw-- the google ads for this thread are scarrrrrry

:scared: