Man, just... emotions suck, sometimes. Geeze.

[jobycom]

So here are the last two years of my life. My foster brother, who was an evil man who spread pain throughout the world, died of an OD. No loss to the world or me, but an odd emotional feeling. My marriage, which had been bad for many years, gets worse. My doctor even hints I should leave the marriage for health reasons. I fall in love, let it go without doing anything because I'm still married and don't want to hurt anyone, although naturally it winds up hurting everyone. I fall in love a second time, again without any plans or expectations to, and probably for only the second time in twenty years (even if they were only a year apart), and again I have to let it go. I separate, finally. I wind up in a financial hole I can't see out of. A hurricane wipes out my hometown (though fortunately not the town I was living in, so many people have it much worse). I cried a lot for my lost memories and for the pain a lot of my friends are going through, I cried a little for the unpursued loves (probably just infatuations, anyway). I felt a little pride that I had behaved well.

So you'd think with all that, and me in a job that is so short of what I'm capable of as to be depressing, that I'd feel miserable. But no, I've felt good about life for those two years, with some moments of self-pity--something I hate.

So now something else happens, or rather, I find out about something that happened many, many years ago. It was bad. It hurts to know it happened. It ruined a part of my life, and I had never understood why it had been ruined. I have had to promise to tell no one about it. And the person it happened to is someone I would have never wanted anything bad to happen to, ever. I even find that my parents knew and kept it from me. I don't blame them, but, I don't know, it changes a lot of the way I see a part of my life. Now I've got that "Whatcouldhavebeen" disease. I could have prevented this thing if only... etc.

Geeze. Now I'm really a mess. Sigh. Oh well, I guess I can look forward to much more depressing things happening in the future, eh? That helps :rofl: . And it's not like no one else is going through much worse.

Alright, enough babbling. Just wanted to jot down a few private thoughts in front of 90,000 of my closest friends. I think I'll go watch a Tom Cruise movie and eat at Olive Garden, after driving my Prius to Walmart. Just so I can get back to more serious discussions!

[miss_american_pie]

1. ...

:hug:

[jobycom]

4. Thanks.

Pretty much all I need. :)

[LaraMN]

2. Ouch.

All I've got is one of these --> :hug:

and a hope that things start looking up for you, very soon. :(
Life is tough as hell, sometimes. May you find comfort in the many people who care about you.

[ceile]

3. It appears you still have your sense of humor.

I always find that if you can, laughing at ridiculousness that we call life can be very uplifting. :hug:

[jobycom]

5. It helps and hurts.

It cheers me up, but I'm also finally realizing that my sense of humor has helped me hide my true feelings from people. Part of what I'm feeling now is that I never told someone how I felt. I thought she didn't feel the same, so rather than burden her, I tried to act as though I didn't feel what I did. I thought I was being good. Now I find that I lost an opportunity, and really hurt her at the same time. It's almost more than I can bear at the moment without breaking down, combined with the other thing I just found out.

Ah well, move forward, eh? Any other path would have had its own pains. And I can still laugh at other things.

[MorningGlow]

6. Ohhh been there

Part of what I'm feeling now is that I never told someone how I felt. I thought she didn't feel the same, so rather than burden her, I tried to act as though I didn't feel what I did. I thought I was being good.

I went through the exact same thing many years ago. But I know I wasn't supposed to go down that path. I know that I'm in the right place, with the right people in my life, right now. Unless you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, feel a fundamental "something is WRONG with my life", you are in the right place for now too. But if you do feel uncomfortable in your own skin, then it's time to look around to see "what's next".

Never, ever kick yourself for whatever happened or didn't happen in the past. And remember: You are loved.

:hug:

[jobycom]

7. Thanks, good perspective.

I am obviously not thrilled with where I am now, with my separation and horrible marriage, and my unfulfilling job. But you are right, the bigger picture is that I am who I am now, and have two wonderful children even out of a bad marriage. And frankly, even though I regret the outcome of these decisions, I made them for the right reasons. I did what I believed was right, and though they may not have turned out the way I wanted, I made each choice, I think, for the best reasons, and not for selfish reasons. And it wasn't only my choice--she never told me, either. Maybe that was a sign that we would never have communicated well.

So I guess I'll feel better about that eventually. :) Thanks.

[kiraboo]

8. Your reflections, particularly on doing what seemed so right

at the time even if it ended up all wrong, mirror my thoughts these days. Sometimes we are guided in what it appears was the wrong direction; but we make our mistakes honestly and ought not curse ourselves too harshly, once we understand what we've done. The only difference between your problems and others' is that you know them intimately! I feel for you. There are certainly better days ahead and you will be even stronger because of everything you've been through. It's a process, no?

[jobycom]

11. That's all true on the lesser issue

of me not "getting the girl." The other issue is pretty bad. Beyond what most people go through. On the other hand, it's over, and a memory, and it doesn't affect my children, so it's not something I have to deal with now. It's just something that is changing how I view much of my life, and my childhood, and it alters emotions I have for various important people in my life. Just a lot of stuff I have to work out, is all. But it's really messing with me. I haven't eaten all day and haven't wanted to, and that's a reaction on my part that happens under the worst circumstances. The last time was when a friend killed herself. Before that was when the first fatal blow hit my marriage. That time I didn't eat for three days. I don't think this will be as bad.

Eh, I'm babbling. Maybe I should fictionalize it and make it into a novel. Maybe Oprah would love me, then! :)

[kiraboo]

12. You aren't babbling, and forgive me if I sounded like

I was trivializing your situation. It's just that I am going through something rather earth-shattering in my own life, and it is very much tied up with what I believed was my destiny and yet was not... and these events have destroyed my faith in everything, and destroyed quite literally my marriage, my security, my life as I've known it to this point. My faith in what I believed was right, IOW. So that was what I was thinking when I said that we, as human beings, all have problems but it's our own which keep us awake and drive us crazy/miserable/suicidal. Please don't think me flippant!

[jobycom]

13. I never thought you flippant

I've seen some of your posts on what you are going through, and as I'm going through a breakup as well, can fully relate. By the time I separated in my marriage, I had gone past the bitter, angry, violated stage, but I remember it well, and still rank it as one of the most painful things I've ever gone through. I never was suicidal--that's just not in me, I think--but I do remember wishing I had died instead of going through it. I walked around in a daze, trying to understand why I felt that way, what I felt, why I was alive, why I was hurting so bad. And you do question your identity, and who you are and what you really expected out of life. It's hard, and it hurts, and I sympathize fully with you on that. That's a different, more immediate upheaval than what I'm dealing with, and believe me, I don't envy you one bit.

I really wasn't trying to sound like you had trivialized anything, I was just trying to explain further. I had gotten sidetracked above and mentioned having lost someone because I had not understood them and not said the right thing. I was just trying to explain that that wasn't what had, and has, me so screwed up right now. I wish I could explain it, but I promised someone I wouldn't.

But maybe I can draw a parallel. Imagine knowing for years that someone close to you had committed a violent crime against a family member. You have to come to grips with that, first. Then, you discover that this same person also committed this same crime against someone else you loved, and did this crime earlier. Rape, a beating--something invasive like that. You discover at the same time that a third family member knew about this earlier crime, and did nothing, thus allowing the later crime to happen. So you have to work out the betrayal of this person close to you. You have to come to grips with this beautiful person you love being the victim of this crime. And you have to come to grips with a sudden, shocking knowledge that someone you've always loved, respected and even idolized protected a criminal, thus allowing them to harm someone else close to you--as well as hurting many people for the rest of his life. You can guess I'm talking about the foster brother mentioned above as the criminal. The rest is too personal for me to reveal, and the crime is probably not the one you are thinking of, but just as bad. And the victims here are family and closest loved ones at the time. And what's tearing me up, in addition to knowing about this pain, is that someone knew and could have stopped it and all future crimes. I had always thought that this foster brother had started this all later, that no one really saw it except me, and that this person in question could not have known it was happening. Now I have to deal with them knowing it was happening, and being too weak or too complacent to stop it.

I can't get a grip on it. This isn't like me, either, I'm always in control. But I've gotten more confused and frenzied since I wrote the post. I still can't eat, either. The good news is I've last about eight pounds I wanted to lose. Small compensation, but hey, it's something, and none of my worrying will change a single thing anyway, so I may as well enjoy it.

I know, I know, my writing is pedantic! :) It's just the way I am--I even talk like that! I sincerely hope you are coming to grips with your recent situation, too. You seem like a cool person, and I know that what you are feeling is more immediate and more painful than what I'm going through. I've been touched by your posts on what you are feeling. Hang in there. You have lots of friends on DU, even ones you may not realize are noticing you.

[Midlodemocrat]

9. .

:hug:


And, for God's sake, don't eat at Olive Garden, go to Red Lobster.

[MissMillie]

10. The only thing you can really look forward to is that you won't always

have control over the things that heppen to you and the people around you. Also, that life will always have ups and downs. Think of how boring life would be if there were none.

:hug:

Live in light and love, and yes, mourn what you need to mourn, but remember to find some joy in every day.