Name your NEMESIS!!!

[alcibiades_mystery]

Everyone should have a local nemesis or two. These are people or animals (or, in my case, occasionally things) that you see from time to time and who annoy you to no end, or against whom you bear a grudge for some slight or other. Here are my nemesises (nemesii?), in no particular order, together with their offense against my very being:

1) The Crossing Guard Lady - This white-haired retiree serves as a "volunteer" crosssing guard, running one of the major local intersections in the morning, where she supposedly directs traffic for the purpose of getting children safely to school. Or so her cover pretends. In fact, she is solely on that corner to torture me, primarily by fucking up the traffic so badly that I am terminally late. Oh, she might look innocent enough, in a senior-citizen's discount sorta way, but I see the glint in her eye when I come rolling by, after sitting in an endless line of cars of her making. She laughs at me, I'm sure, but one day, my nemesis, one day...

2) The Free Sample Deli Guy at the Supermarket - To quote Brad Pitt in True Romance, don't condenscend (sic) to me man...I'll fucking kill you, man. Nemesis number two is a real doozy: Santa Claus lookin'-ass muthafucka wants to give ME the high hat when I come over for some free sample cheese? Meanwhile, some other slightly older couple gets the real respectable treatment, eh? Like I'm some punk kid just in the damn supermarket for your shitty free samples? Is that it? Like I can't afford your shitty fucking cheese? I'll buy your fucking cheese for spite, nemesis! One day, we'll meet in conditions of my choosing, and then your high hatting ways will be over, my man. Ya heard?

3) Any Asshole on a Recumbent Bicycle - God forbid I ever take power. These fuckers will be the first on the purge list. Ok, maybe second after Julie Chen of Big Brother fame. And I ain't talking gulags here, comrades, if you follow. These douchebags riding around on their low recumbent bicycles, so fancy, look at me, I can't get a real bike, I have to be damn near lounging like a Turkish broad on a harem couch before I can ride anywhere, oh fucking wow, how cool am I. I'll tell you what, recumbent bicycler: my bumper will one day be a guided missile on yo ASS, got me? Nemesis!

4) My pockets - Fucking pockets. You try to put a lighter in your pocket, right? That's a pretty easy procedure. You don't expect your pocket to fucking then grab that lighter, and secret it behind all manner of key chains and flash drives such that you mistake one for the other, always and every time pulling out the wrong one, and then your pockets getting so full up that you check each one well and truly thrice, and still leave empty handed, an unlit cigarette in your mouth, looking like a fucking mental defective compulsively checking your groin area for goddamn spider monkeys? Right? For this offense against my dignity, I hereby declare VENDETTA against my pockets, and I will have my day, and no mistake.

[Phillycat]

1. LOL

Bravo! :applause:

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. Just matcom.

Just. matcom.

:grr:

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. p.s. - the plural is nemeses.

[alcibiades_mystery]

You're really aching to make the list there, huh Daniel Webster?

;-)

[jobycom]

4. The person who whines about little old ladies and people on bikes

just because they don't leave home early enough to be on time. :rofl:

:hi:

[XNASA]

5. Fellow commuters who park with their cars straddling the yellow lines....

...at the train station parking lot.

Complete bastards.

[alcibiades_mystery]

6. Those sonsabitches

Can they not see the fucking lines? Have they not yet mastered the utterly trivial art of guiding a motor vehicle into a designated space? Or are they, after all, out to get YOU, yes YOU sir. One wonders...

[XNASA]

10. It's really more that they're occupying two spaces....

One of which, could have conceivably been mine.

I hate them.

[Fleshdancer]

7. but crossing guards are the sirens of the school system!

:rofl:

[alcibiades_mystery]

8. Oh, I have nothing against crossing guards in general

Just this one, see? ;-)

[deucemagnet]

9. The pedestrian who thinks he can direct traffic.

We've all seen this asshole. Usually, he's fucking thinks up by crossing against a light or jaywalking, but never fear! He can direct traffic! Just follow the instructions of this random wanderer and all will be well! Fuckwit. :grr:

[Fleshdancer]

11. My nemesis:

That guy in Austin who is NOT Lance Armstrong but still feels the need to go cycling during rush hour traffic on roads with little or no shoulder while wearing a yellow Tour De France-esq cycling shirt.

[alcibiades_mystery]

12. Oooooo....that's a good nemesis

Specific, pointed, and obviously justified. Make your plans, Gloria!

[WCGreen]

13. Khan!!!!!!!!!!

[underpants]

14. I'll buy your fucking cheese for spite, nemesis!

Julie Chen :rofl:

Oh that is absolutely classic. Did you write that?

Pure genius. Bookmarking for the end of the year thread of the year competition.

[alcibiades_mystery]

15. Yeah, I wrote it

Thanks!

:-)

[jus_the_facts]

16. sounds like you need one o'these....

http://www.alternet.org/images/managed/Blog+Image_thumb_chill_pill.gif

....please take a couple now and quit yer bitchin'! :P

[alcibiades_mystery]

17. Ya think?

;-)

[jus_the_facts]

18. Indeed....we ALL need some o'those from time to time.....

....even me LOL! :evilgrin:

[deucemagnet]

33. I prefer these...

[everythingsxen]

19. You!

I hate the way you smugly post, right out here in public. I will destroy you!

[taterguy]

20. People who don't know how to use elevators

They're not express cars. Sometimes they stop before your destination. Don't walk out of it every time the door opens and then looked confused because you're not on the ground floor.

[taterguy]

21. Motorists that harass cyclists

Maybe you were kidding about recumbents. I still find that attitude disturbing. It's bullying at its worst. I have some aggressive tendencies. I'll take them out on a target where the prospect of retaliation is slim. A target that's smaller than my vehicle and probably slower too. It bothers me because
a) It's cowardly (almost as cowardly as making an anonymous post on the Internet) and

b)It discourages people from cycling and overuse of cars screws up the environment and facilitates oil wars.

Besides, some asshole cut me off today and then flipped me the bird when I gave him my WTF shrug. He sped off before I could open up a can of whup ass on him, which I would have done even though he had a Marine decal and I've never ever been in a physical fight :)

[alcibiades_mystery]

22. Read the post again, #3 in particular...slowly this time

Thank you.

Besides, if you've never been in a physical fight I could definitely kick your ass. :-)

[taterguy]

23. I read this

I'll tell you what, recumbent bicycler: my bumper will one day be a guided missile on yo ASS, got me?

I don't use a recumbent but it seems pretty clear you're expressing a desire to assault someone who does, or maybe you're being amphibious.

[alcibiades_mystery]

24. Oh for God's sake

It's comedy. Of course the narrator of the nemesis list is a cowardly douchebag. He's self-centered, insecure, and altogether unstable. Did you not notice that, in addition to "expressing a desire to assault someone," he's also declared vendetta on his fucking pockets??? How much more absurd could it be. It's a character, for God's sake. Lighten up.

Feh. Forget it.

[Phillycat]

26. It's possible this post made me laugh more than the original post.

I think I love you.

[taterguy]

38. If you were laughing at the amphibious remark

Don't thank me, thank the late great Jim Valvano. It's a line from his autobiography describing a basketball player's response to being told he used his left and right hands well.

[taterguy]

28. If I was really offended

I wouldn't have intentionally misused the word amphibious. I was just using your post to flog one of my favorite dead horses

[billyskank]

29. This is the wierdest flame war I've ever read

:D

[swimboy]

39. Aw, you're just being amphibious!

:evilgrin:

[alcibiades_mystery]

31. Ooops

I'm sorry. Flew off the handle. Maybe I'm more like the character than I like to tell myself? :-)

BTW: All of these are "real," but in a jokey way. There really is a crossing guard who causes a lot of traffic, but I just joke around with my wife that she's doing it to spite me. I'm never late, by the way. There really was a deli free samples guy that I used to tell my wife "didn't treat me with the proper respect," but that was a joke too. There really is a recumbent bicycle place in town, and alot of recumbent bicyclers, but I have nothing against them. It's just a running gag with the missus whenever we see one that I'm going to gun it at one of them one day. And yes, I'm often flumoxed by my own pockets...and that's no fucking joke, charlie...;-)

[taterguy]

34. my pockets flumox me too

I just wish I could go naked the time, but then I wouldn't have a place for my car keys, wallet, cigarettes, lighter, etc.

[alcibiades_mystery]

35. Don't forget the fucking cell phone

Now taking beautiful pictures of the inside of my pockets at the rate of three to five a day. Fuckity fuck fuckin pocket mutherfuckers.

[taterguy]

37. I hate fuckers that use a cell phone

If I'm not at home I don't want to talk to anybody

[alcibiades_mystery]

40. I'm sure the feelings mutual

;-)

[Xipe Totec]

25. Al S. Heimer - I think

Though I can't remember his name exactly.

He took something from me, but I can't remember what it was.

:popcorn:

[skygazer]

27. People running kiosks at malls

The ones who accost you and want you to try their perfume/lotion/neck massager/toy airplane/cellphone/hairnet or whatever. I hate going to the fucking mall anyway and want nothing more than to buy what I was going in there for and to get the hell out and I've got these vultures swooping at me with their false, determined smiles and their grossly overpriced products.

[swimboy]

30. Keep checkin'--one of these days it WILL be spider monkeys.

But seriously, do take care of Julie Chen first. :thumbsup:

[alcibiades_mystery]

32. Who says it hasn't been yet

:silly:

[MrScorpio]

36. Chase...

But they're about to get theirs