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My cousin and I seperated three months ago. We have been together for seven months and we have a four year old girl that I call beautiful, only because I know that's what a father is supposed to say about his girls because that's what my freeper friends say about their daughters and what we learned from watching Dukes of Hazard, even though I think she's a whiny tantrum throwing shit most of the time, which is why I spend most of my time at the bowling alley bar hitting on bleachy cross-eyed dames. Being able to scope out the prime beef at the local sip n suck is what kept me from marrying Lurleen in the first place. Besides, she has a Catholic great grandmother, and I don't want to pollute my awesome family.
She was a huge liberal when we met - that is, she thought she was allowed to have thoughts independant of mine - but over time and a number of Biblically mandated beatings, some of which I learned from the guys at Promise Keepers and a couple of George Dillard videos about self defense, and from my pastor - she at least agreed to shut up about having an opinion, and under threat of being killed in her sleep, she even voted for Bush in the last election, or so she told me, but then she's probably lying and was in that voting booth for a whole long time. I don't how she managed to make voting take 15 whole minutes when she was instructed just to check the "all republicans" ticket at the bottom, but that's what you get when you trust.
After election day I installed hidden cameras in our bathroom in case her fifteen minute weekly showers were actually meetings of the Lower Mudfoot Communist Party. But the steam clogged up the lense and shorted the circuitry. Now I hate Radio Shack too.
I put her through school working hard to support our family as a one-eyed Wal-Mart greeter and part time gasoline huffer... some days, I even got off the couch from watching FOX, and no matter how hung over I was, I went into the abandoned factory building that used to make TVs and spank off to a stash of 1970's Penthouse mags I found in the rafters one weekend during survivalist training for the year 2000 bug when airplanes were going to fall from the sky and all the nukes were going to accidentally shoot out of their silos. Anyway, the factory was used as a garage band practice space until some homeless guy accidentally burned it down. Thankfully, Wal-Mart pays me fifty cents more than minimum wage which is way better than those union leaches used to get at the TV factory.
She was going to be a teacher...elementary school. Then about two years ago she decided she wanted to be an English major...ok..so she switched her major to a foreign language, at least she wasn't wanting to learn French or Spanish or one of them other communist languages. Then last year about a month before she would have graduated she decided to try jounarlism as a minor and began writing for her school paper, the Mudfoot Gazette. She met a hippy boy who could read, one who treated her with respect, totally contrary to Jesus' teachings, a guy who couldn't even throw a football (and even though I can't, either, it's not beacuse I'm not manly enough, it's because sports aggravate my hemmorrhoids and constant heartburn). So she ran off with him in his foreign car (A Toyota), taking our daughter with her, which is all fine with me, really. I hate women, and I'm glad to see her gone, though I'll miss the homecooked Wal-mart brand Macaroni and cheese we had every single night, sometimes with a can of tuna mixed in, but what the hell, I'll just go back with mom and live in her subsidized apartment, but I won't admit that to anyone and so will now create and invent a VERY elaborate story that makes me to seem the victim and that I couldn't possibly have won in this situation.
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