More adventures of my fundie best friend

[hyphenate]

know you ALL love to hear this stuff, so I'm gonna keep on posting until someone tells me to stop. And even then, I'll only consider it!

As you may or may not know, my best friend, a fundie/creationist/evangelical, had her name added (by her daughter) to a Xtian mating website. This was a few months ago, and she began to correspond with one guy, a corrections officer, someplace in Kentucky.

Since then, she is acting like a true teenager, in love with the notion of being in love. She is planning on visiting him from August 1-10 in Kentucky, and has already said she's retiring early, and is pretty sure she is going to marry him and move there to be with him. She spends a good 1/3 of her day talking with him on the phone, and another 1/2 online with him. All I can say is that this is one lesson she's going to have to learn on her own.

She has become SO blind since she got into this creationist/fundie shit. Now, she sports a huge tattoo on her back with some relevant theme, a big one on her neck with again some relevant theme, and tats on her wrist and elsewhere with "Jesus" and something else as well. She is 56 years old, and was married once before to a man who turned out to be a major sex offender. (Yes, he spent 10+ years in jail for molesting a 15 year old male.) Perhaps she's looking for anything better than that, but come on now!

Am I being insensitive? I have never known a match to come out good from an online relationship, and though I have heard they do work, I find it difficult to believe it could happen with no meeting beforehand, and without spending time learning something about the person up front. Just because he might come off okay through phone conversations, it can't be the same as actually spending time with a person and going in with both eyes open. But she has said that she prayed when her mom died that if Granny went without trouble, that she would devote her life to "the Lord." That alone is enough to scare me, but she's gotten so selfish and self-involved since her mother passed away that I want to cuff her ears and bitchslap her and tell her to return to reality. However, being her best friend, I also won't do that for that reason.

Anyhow, I admit I could be wrong about this, but I find it very difficult to see how she is in any way grounded in reality with this guy and just need some validation that I'm not the strange one in this situation. If you disagree, though, you're also welcome to take a pot shot.

[mark414]

1. you're asking this

on a site that's nothing but online relationships...

[hyphenate]

6. At the same time, though

How many of us are looking for more than friendship and that kind of supportive relationship? I certainly am not looking to marry anyone I've met online, but I do confess that some are out there only for that. Perhaps it's the fact that I've always been involved with some social group or another long before "online" came to be a regular part of my life, and have met and been around real "live" people for a very long time.

I just find it difficult to think that someone can make up their mind so completely without ever actually having more than a phone conversation or email with someone.

[newcriminal]

2. met my husband online

we have been happily married now for over 6 years.

[hyphenate]

9. That's great!

Yours worked out. I'm very happy for you. Some seem to have more ability to do that. :)

[lizziegrace]

3. My sister met her husband online

But they corresponded and spoke to each other for several years before they married. (He's in the UK) They've been married nearly 5 years. I don't think "until death do us part" happens in just a few months.

You're right. She'll have to learn this one on her own. Just be there to help pick up the pieces. It's hard to sit by...been there.

[hyphenate]

10. At least that sounds more realistic

I just wish she weren't so single-minded on this. It's an awfully big step for her, and I can't say she's the type who can go into something so broadminded so quickly. Her fundie beliefs have closed her mind to a lot of things.

[lizziegrace]

14. I agree

My sister didn't even think marriage until they'd corresponded and talked for a couple years...

[Sanity Claws]

4. Why are you still her best friend?

It sounds like you have nothing in common and that you say things behind her back. Think about what that's doing to you. Why don't you just wish your former best friend all the best in her life, move on, and make friends with people you respect?

[ohiosmith]

7. Good post.

[hyphenate]

8. Nope

I've said almost everything TO her at one time or another, too. :) Because we've been friends for 22 years, we can do that. She knows how I feel about her new-found religion, and she also knows how I feel about this guy. And I don't say things "behind" her back that I wouldn't already say TO her.

And yes, we're now very different, but once upon a time, we had a lot in common.

And BTW, most of my friends are "old" friends. I have at least five friends I can count back 30 years with. I don't abandon them, and I will say what I want directly to them. It's just that I needed an outlet for all the frustration she is putting me through right now!!!

[Sanity Claws]

12. I still think you need to rethink this friendship.

Everyone has only so much energy. I just can't imagine using my energy to complain about my best friend, either to her face or behind her back.
While it's nice to have old friends, it's also nice to spend time people you have things in common with. Friendships evolve from close to distant and sometimes back, depending on where the two of you are.

[LeftyMom]

5. This guy I know met a woman online- he was in CA, she was in Russia

They talked online and by phone for a few years. She was a friend of some friends of his who set them up.

He went to visit her. They got married within a week of laying eyes on eachother for the first time. They're the happiest couple I've ever seen.

It works out sometimes. I don't know your friend and can't offer an opinion about her case, but I wouldn't dismiss a relationship based purely on how people meet. At least with a long distance thing you know they have more in common than sex, which is both a common and problematic foundation for many relationships.

[hyphenate]

11. But you also said

the magic words: "a few years."

I can't conceive that such an enduring relationship can come about with only three or four months passing by. Especially when she's been burned once already.

[LeftyMom]

13. It doesn't sound promising to me either

but it's not your job to evaluate her prospects and it's certainly not mine. You can be her best friend or her mother, but not both. If you can't be her friend without judging you need to step back from the situation both for your sanity and hers.

[NewJeffCT]

15. A guy a friend of my wife works with

Met a woman online from Sichuan province in China. He lives in southeastern CT. He flew out there to meet her and now they are engaged, even though she does not speak a lot of English (I guess she could write it?)

[LeftyMom]

19. This girl speaks excellent English, I guess she had to learn it to get her

degree or something?

[NewJeffCT]

16. Do corrections officers make so much that a spouse could retire early?

That was my first thought... he's a corrections officer, and she is now planning on retiring early because of it?

[LeftyMom]

17. Here in CA they make quite a bit

They have a very powerful union and a disproportionate amount of political influence, so they do really well for themselves (OTOH, most of them have to live out in BFE because that's where the prisons are.) I have no idea what they make in KY, where the cost of living is much lower, but it's generally a good paying job or nobody'd want to deal with the risks.

[hyphenate]

23. She's a teacher

She will get a lower pension, but she will have that money coming in.

[NewJeffCT]

18. I met a ton of women from online... but...

I would guess about 10% were honest about what they looked like & about their lives in general (back in the old days of the internets, you were lucky to be able to attach a picture file... and, then it was often only a facial pic) I should also say that I met a few women online that were like "Holy cow! Why is this goddess with me?"

I married my ex-wife after meeting her online. It was 18 months after meeting in person before we actually got married, so we didn't rush into things. However, things fell apart quickly after we got married, due to some extenuating circumstances.

I met my 2nd wife after meeting her online. We got married 7 months after meeting in person and we've been married almost 5 years and are still going strong.

[hippywife]

20. I met my husband in a chat room

not an on-line dating service. We were married 7 months later almost to the day and had only been in each other's physical presence off and on about 20 days in that time (we lived in different states.) Last week we celebrated 9 years of wonderful marriage and still going strong. I knew the first time we met in person (2 months after we met)that I would end up married to him and he asked me to marry him the second time we had together (a month and a half later.)

I'm not saying it works that way for everyone but it's possible. You do have to be very careful, tho.

[Zookeeper]

21. I would be concerned about her safety....

She's never actually met the man and she's going to his turf to spend 10 days with him? Most people who meet online arrange their first face-to-face someplace neutral, like a coffeehouse.

She certainly doesn't sound very level-headed. I'm not sure what you can do about it, other than point out the riskiness of putting herself in that situation.

BTW, an in-law of mine met a woman on Match.com last fall and they have been dating since then. She sounds very nice and so is he, so not everyone on those dating sites is a looney.

[hyphenate]

22. That's kind of where I'm coming from

I would have thought she was going to get a hotel room at the very least there, but no, she's staying with him.

I agree completely that she is not acting very mature and level headed. And this is one of the main problems for me. As I said in the original post, I think she's more in love with the idea of being in love more than anything.

Frustration aside, there is just a sense that she is trying way too hard to nullify her whole life before her mother passed away. It's as though all the responsibilities she had then are going out the window, and she's trying to live 25 years in just a couple instead. And she's certainly not listening to any of us who care deeply for her and just want her back on track.

[politicat]

24. Just so you know, it can work.

Several of the best relationships in my circle started out as online. DH and I didn't, but we did correspond a lot before we went from being friends to being lovers.

I'm hearing my mom in your post - she's 50, dating anything on legs, and really is on her own for the first time in her life. She had me at 19, and she's been a wife and mother ever since. My stepfather died a few years ago, and she took care of him until the end (and I didn't believe he was a prize, but she liked him). Now that she's really single, she's doing all of the things I did as a 20 something who was in love with love.

The post-death thing is what's really catching my eye, though. This religious fervor coupled with the latent sexuality seem to happen after a midlife death; I think it may be that we feel both guilt and relief at the situation, and a need to both affirm our own lives and bargain with the universe (or god or whatever) for what time we have left.

My suggestion would be that if she wants to retire early, that's fine; if she wants to move to Kentucky, that's fine too (she can always move again). But I'd suggest she look for an apartment of her own for the first year, just to be on the safe side. It won't cost much, especially if she stores most of her things. And she should do a background check. That's just sensible. Marriage is about finances and property as much as about love, and there's no way I'd walk into any relationship with anyone without a strong sense of his financial place in the world.

[hyphenate]

25. What you said about the midlife crisis

is right on the money. It's very true--she went back to staying with her mother right after her father died, and her ex went to jail. She's been her mom's main companion for all those years, and she just needs to fly. It makes total sense. As I said somewhere else, this is her lesson to learn--no one can teach it to her--it's something she has to acknowledge completely on her own.

It's like we're total opposites, sometimes! I have been largely independent all my life, and while my mom and I travelled together on more than one occasion, I got out into the world and did what I wanted more than most women I know. I have no problems with dining alone, going to a movie alone, or even travelling on my own. So I've really never gone through a period when I wasn't able to do something because I had to take care of or be responsible for, someone else. (Except for the 4 legged and furry ones!) Perhaps this is what she needed--a leap into the unknown.

I never "rethink" friendships. People are friends because on some level they need each other. And even though I guess I want to steer her away from something I am not sure she's going to take on a rational basis, I am not her mother, and all I can do is advise her. I'm a few years younger, but I've seen a lot more, been "out there" a lot more, and can fend for myself a lot easier. And I just wish I could pass on some of that to her.

The relationship is only one aspect of it, though. The fact that she's fallen into this RRR crap is the worst part. And I recall some words my brother said a very long time ago, before he got married. He had been dating Barbie for a while before he got a tattoo on his arm with her name on it. And he said, "I better be marrying her--it's hard to get rid of tattoos." And with what she has adorned on her body, I feel she's plummeted into a trap that has already claimed her soul, and there is little hope of her ever seeing the light again. It's one of the reasons I hate those in the RRR so much. Seeing people I love allowing their brains to get annihilated by all the drivel they push on people, and allowing so many false notions to creep into their brainwashed souls. It's truly terrifying to see people relying on so much falsehood to "save their souls" instead of realizing what a side show it really is.

[politicat]

26. i'd never tell you to rethink a friendship.

They're too tough to make to just discard for no reason.

The tattoo worries me, too. I've known enough people who didn't know themselves well enough to know that today's wants are tomorrow's regrets who get tatt'ed and then spend thousands to remove them. (I really wish someone would come up with fading tattoo ink that would gradually disappear and go away after four or five years.)

It really sounds like she's lost her interior balance and is seeking both an external force and a new internal level to find peace. Unfortunately, religion offers so many answers that way, and it's easier to look for the external authority than to seek an internal space.