Personal Story (Mother trying to turn son into war-monger)

[kwolf68]

(You may ask why I post. Well, just feedback. Stories others may have familiar to this and how you guys worked with it. General opinions and suggestions on how I could deal with this potential "smoking gun".) Thanks guys.


I have a 9 year old son and through the years he also has gained my appreciation for nature, an understanding for the less fortunate, a willingness to help and care, and a love for baseball, among other things.

However, he cares for both sets of his grandparents very much. My wife’s parents are not political. My father-in-law served in the Air Force in the 1960s, but served only 4 years. In fact, on viewpoints they are both fairly open-minded so I don’t think the problem is with them. He and my son fish some together. While I don’t like to fish I stand aside and let them cultivate their relationship together.

The problems appear to be my parents. My father is a decorated Vietnam Veteran. He holds several medals that distinguish his valor on the battlefield. My mother, of course, loves and respects everything about him as I do, for the most part. They are both Conservative with my father actually being the less strident. My mother is a Republican-bot through and through. My father, while being Conservative, is fairly objective and actually defers to my knowledge on environmental issues quite often.

However, I feel like they are fueling my son’s obsession with war, death, violence. Its one thing that every single birthday and Christmas for gifts he is giving toy guns, tanks, canons, swords, etc….My mother convinced my wife to allow him to wear camo clothes, something we both were opposed to. As a compromise, my wife allowed our son to have a pair of camo pajamas. Ok, no big deal.

So, right after 4th of July my son and I go to the batting cages and have a great time. He is hitting the 50 mile an hour pitches, he is stoked and excited. He is talking about baseball and wanting me to coach the Fall league. We then raced go-karts, played golf, and then he saved a frogs life (there was a frog amidst the people there and we scooped him up and moved him to safer ground).

So right after that he was to spend a week with my parents and then a week with my wife’s parents. Both weeks are nearly completed. His week (currently in progress) with my wife’s parents has been just a beach trip. All good.

The prior week this is what he did with my mother and father

-He went to “soldier-camp” and for an entire day pretended he was fighting in the Civil War.
-The very next day they went to the Army installation where my father is currently working in civil service and toured the museums
-The next day after that they went to Norfolk, Virginia and toured some sort of war ship
-They also did something else very militaristic but my wife doesn’t know exactly what…shit, maybe they fucking enlisted him.

Before all this, I confronted my mom and she said they “wouldn’t do battlefield stuff” all the time and I recommended going to the science museum in Richmond. We’ll they did…to learn about freaking taste buds. But hey, it wasn’t war at least. I told her he was interested in animals, dinosaurs, and planets…there is something there involving all those, but my mother found taste buds. OK, whatever.

Oh yea, the day we dropped him off with my parents we were watching a show on Animal Planet called “Papa Bear” about this guy who works with bears. After the show was over, my son wanted to ask questions about the show, as he typically does. During our conversation my mother continually interrupted us to discuss pictures of him catching a fish on her digital camera.

My mother has never bought him anything having to do with nature, science, music, or baseball...the things I love the most. If she doesn’t buy him clothes or video game type stuff, it is always war crap. I am very opinionated and my thoughts on war are very strident, but I have never said anything. It is not easy for me. My dad is basically a war hero and my dad knows my passions. I was nearly brought to tears defending Max Cleland and John Kerry over the egregious attacks against them. STILL, I hate war. I hate this war and I don’t support it.

However, it is getting tougher and tougher, because I feel like she is trying to change him into something I don’t want.

I expect it will get worse. I have a daughter who is 4…She is clearly the apple of my mother’s eyes and my life as well…My mother will undoubtedly try to turn my daughter just as she is turning my son, into something I don’t want. Females very often are ruled less by bravado and instincts and more by compassion. My daughter is now learning compassion toward animals and those less fortunate. I’m guessing my mother is worried that all her fur coats won’t be welcomed by my little girl should she decide to give them or leave them to her.

The bottom line is…I want the kids to be what they want to be, but I also want to interject certain values into them. Values like empathy, compassion, peace, and a love for the natural world….it is these values I feel like my own family is trying to trample on.

My mother even questioned, freaking questioned, why on Christmas did we take toys to a school in DC for kids from poor families, then we went to a homeless shelter and volunteered (all we did was hand out drinks and food and clean up, but we were there), and we even went to the Humane Society to drop off toys for the cats and dogs and to just see them and pet them….My mother wanted to know WHY we used our money like this. I was fed up.

I feel like at some point I will snap and not only ruin a family holiday, but also a relationship. Because for all my mother’s faults and boy I don’t respect a lot of her views, she was and is an awesome mother and would do anything for us, but still….It has become very frustrating at family functions.

The sick thing is she grew up poor on a farm and had salt of the earth values. Her mother, my grandmom, still living, is a Bible thumping Baptist that said of gays, “I won’t judge them, but I do know God loves all his children.”

My mother was prudent and humble just where she could be. She stood in an unemployment line before, she had to go work when I was 4…now after years of working (for the federal government I may add) she and my father have built a fine nest egg. In short, they have money, but they have no compassion, no care for anything or anyone. I’ve never seen anything like it. Back when we struggled more, she gave a shit about things…now all she prattles on about is her new goddamn Lexus. I’m at a loss.

Sorry to vent here, but there are some good voices on this forum.

[JVS]

1. Take him to a military cemetery

[kwolf68]

2. You won't believe it but ...

But I have said that numerous times, almost sarcastically, but maybe it is a good idea...

Maybe a trip to Arlington is in store...and we can count the dead children there...CHILDREN, many were. You know, maybe an idea that I thought absurd at first is actually damn good.

[JVS]

4. See if anyone you know is buried there.

Then say: "today we're going to visit uncle xxxx" Tell the kid all kinds of fun things about the person along the way. Talk about all the good times you had with him, etc. When you get to near the cemetery, make up some reason to get out there and take a walk (something like your leg is sore) Then take them to the grave and say, "here we are, there's uncle xxxx"

[StellaBlue]

39. Seconded.

Brilliant.

I didn't go to Arlington until I was 21, but I spent many summers in Vicksburg, Mississippi from ages 8 to 20, and my dad, a history and patriotism buff, always made us go to the battlefield. I love the movie Gone with the Wind, but, of course, going to the Vicksburg Battlefield National Park throws that shit out of the water. You can feel the history hanging in the air there. I am a staunch atheist and reason-lover, but, damn me if that place isn't haunted. It's one of my favorite places in the US.

So someplace like that, if there are any nearby, might be good, as it's historic, interesting, and shows you the awful human cost of war.

I don't understand the lust little boys and young men have for war and violence. It seems obvious to most women that such things are ignorant and pointless and inhuman (but oh so very human). Yet men seem to glorify this. Men who haven't even fought in a war, especially. To me, the real heroes are those that stand up to violence with nonviolence. Your son sounds old enough to have these types of discussions with. I would talk to him about war and philosophy, and about what things he thinks are important enough to die for. I thought about stuff like that near that age... you just have to frame it right.

I agree with you, though. Much to the horror of my Southern relatives, there is no way in hell I would allow my child to wear camo or play with war toys. Sick.

[Bucky]

3. Alternative paths can lead to the same values

If he grows up with an interest in military things--that's not a bad thing. War, for kids, is kinda cool. But as he develops an interest in war, he'll soon learn to develop an interest in great warriors of the past. Most the great American warriors have been men with strong ideas that verge on the pacifistic--Eisenhower, Patton, Lee, even William T Sherman who practicallyl invented the horror of modern warfare (tho he focused his damage on civilian infrastructure, now civilian lives).

Each of them is eloquent in expressing the humanistic values of avoiding war and seeking peaceful compromises and saving human lives. I wouldn't worry too much about your son being a jingoist. He's still your son and your values (and his mother's of course) are gonna trump everyone else's in his heart.

[LeftyMom]

5. If your parents can't or won't respect your values

why do they get so much unsupervised time with your children? I understand the desire to allow them to build a relationship, but if they're using that time to indoctrinate your child in values other than your own I think they're abusing the privilege.

[kwolf68]

8. Because they are his grandparents

I spent entire summers with My grandparents and just spent time with them, living with them, working on their farm. There was no indoctrination other than how freaking hard it is to run a family farm, even a small one.

I don't even know that my mother is purposely trying to do this...I think its a natural thing.

But pulling back time spent with his grandparents would effectively do what my going off on her during Christmas would do, create a chasm.

[Dora]

14. I think this is a good point.

I was never sent to spend a week by myself with either set of grandparents. Do most parents send kids to live with their grandparents? Do you send your kids as a treat for them, or as a break for yourselves? Just wondering....

In hindsight, I'm certain that my mother was protecting me from my grandfather (a sexual predator). And I think it's possible that my father didn't wish to deal with the religion that his mother crammed down everyone's throats.

It's my belief that NO grandparent has a "right" to unsupervised time with their grandchildren. Time with grandchildren is a privilege and should be treated as such. Grandparents are certain to spoil grandchildren in certain ways that can and should be tolerated (late bedtimes, treats, etc), but an outright disregard for parental values and boundaries signifies disrespect and intolerance.

You're an adult and you don't have to put up with this disregard from your mom and dad. Put your foot down with your mother. It sucks to do, but she needs to hear it from you. Don't complain, don't criticize. Just say that it's your observation that she is incapable of respecting your wishes, and until she can do that, then she must obtain your approval on all gifts, outings, etc. I hope you can find a way to do this without causing an explosive rift. I recently had to draw the line on my own mother, and she's been very tight-lipped with me lately. It makes me sad, but I know I said the right thing to her.

I thank you for your post. Our family may have similar issues as our son gets older and his grandparents start wanting more time with him. I can see that I should start establishing boundaries NOW.

[kwolf68]

16. to answer you

Thanks for the post.

-He goes with the grandparents, because they want to spend time with him, he wants to go, and it allows him to have more opportunities than just being at home all the time. At this point, I consider it all productive so long as we get back the son we know (we'll know Friday).

You make a good point about spoiling. My mother has admitted to doing this.

I mean, we can't right now take him to the beach for a week and her parents take him so its good for everyone. yes, him being away allows us to take advantage for that period of time.

And yes, I told my wife that I want to know exactly what our kids will be getting for Christmas. I don't mind a toy tank or something, but if you give him 6 presents I'd prefer 5 of them not be some artiface of war.

[Lars39]

6. I faced some of that with my son and an uncle.

You may not be able to let your parents have your son unsupervised if they are bound and determined to mold him into a soldier.

[kwolf68]

13. This is the crux of what we are talking about

Many have said relax, its ok, he wont turn into a war monger if you let him do this.

But the other half is...they are molding him for that.

Thing is, in 9 years we could have exposed the fascist bastards who have brought this world to its knees and the military could once again become the protectors of our freedom as opposed to being an apparatus for PNAC dreams of global empire.

[MissMillie]

7. Just out of curiosity

have you ever asked your son if he enjoys the things he does w/ his grandparents?

I don't excuse their blatant disregard for your gift and activity suggestions, but I wonder if anyone ever asked your boy what he might like for Christmas, or to do on vacation.

My son loves studying all the ships and planes and even military strategies, but he's no war monger. While those activities may not be what you want for your son, they won't necessarily push him to enlist.

:hug: take heart. You're very lucky that your son has grandparents that like being involved in his life. That is a terrific gift that you've given him.

[kwolf68]

10. He goes with whatever

If he thinks you like it, he'll do it.

And yes, I try to make sure his love for nature and baseball is real. He does make the extra step in baseball. For a 9 year old it is a ROUGH game...its probably the most difficult sport out there. He gets frustrated and I never push him. I'm not one of these jock-fathers who want to live through their sons athletic exploits.

He likes art and I've told him flat out...If you'd rather take some art classes and not play baseball go for it, you may be great. Being Liberal, I try to live by the creed to be objective.

Thing is, the kid likes everything...which means if you have him for 6 days you could probably do 6 different things and he's be happy.

[MissMillie]

15. How about this?

Before you drop him off, you get a list of the activities they're planning and then specifically okay them.

If there's too much with the military stuff, you could say, "I think you've done enough of that this week, and it looks like you're missing some stuff that I'm sure he'd like to do, like a visit to the art museum, or a hike through the State Park."

[kwolf68]

18. I like it...

I think my wife and I have to take ownership, if you will, of our kids.

And your suggestion seems very reasonable without creating a big political fight. Look at the list, and if you see too much of one thing then just politely add in some alternatives.

I am just not good with visual confrontations.

[MissMillie]

21. good luck!

I think if you keep the politics out of it, and just focus on your son's ecclectic tastes, you'll avoid a fight.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

9. He probably won't turn into a warmonger.

I grew up playing with GI Joes, toy guns, watching war stuff on tv. I didn't wear camo then but probably because my parents would buy me boy toys but not clothes. I wear camo now though. I'm also adamantly against the war. I still think guns, knives, swords and things that blow up are fun, but not when used against people.

Let's face it war stuff is pretty cool to a kid. Eventually, he'll probably realize that it's not something to be glorified.

Although, if you have such a big issue with it, then they should respect your wishes because you are his parents.

[kwolf68]

12. Makes sense

I don't have big issues with it to a point. He has toy guns, water guns, model tanks, etc., etc...I grew up a WWII history buff, so I can't deny him what I had when I was younger should he choose to invest time in it.

It's just the fact it is OVERBLOWN. And lets face it, these are tense times right now for families with political extremes.

We have a war that has divided the nation. My mom and father are 100% behind the effort. I think the war is criminal, illegal, and Bush should be tossed in a freaking stockade for it.

Then we have my son walking around all the time pretending to blow shit up or kill people...as my parents so lovingly adore him while he is doing that.

He saves a frog or goes 3-3 in a baseball game its like they dont give a shit..."Here Ryan, we bought you this toy machetti, you can slice up the enemies now"

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

11. That's what grandparents do.

Part of it's spoiling the grand kids, part of it's revenge.

:evilgrin:

Don't worry about the military stuff. If you keep toy guns away from kids they'll just use sticks. Your boy won't turn into a warmonger because he plays with GI Joe and enjoys war museums.

[kiraboo]

17. I must say I don't understand why you have a problem.

The boy is YOUR SON. Your parents are rejecting your values and your desires for YOUR SON. You need not be confrontational, but you do need to have a serious conversation with your parents about the difference between your values and theirs. You have expressed admiration and understanding for your parents. Express it to them directly, but tell them that their intervention is creating a tension between you that you don't like.

I've done the same with my parents, my husband's mother, and all the aunts and uncles. As a consequence they have never sent my sons (or daughter) anything even vaguely war or military-related. I haven't been quite so successful with the religious propoganda but I've made great progress! Yes I do take issue with children playing with guns. No I don't believe that this play automatically leads to wrong choices. But I believe that the notion of guns which kill people, and religion which can do the same, should be introduced to a child only after they have learned basic values and have gained the ability to reason. It's worked for me; it might work for you! :) I wish you luck.

[kwolf68]

19. Its a problem due to perception

And your post makes great sense.

The only thing is I have trouble visualizing sitting down with my parents and telling them this. I don't want it to be construed as a rejection of my father and his service.

It's the entire support the war or be against the troops thing. It's very precarious.

Still, I agree that some discussion must take place at some point.

[kiraboo]

22. I don't want you to do anything hurtful; and it is a precarious situation.

The thing is, if they love you and their grandchildren, they will come around. I certainly respect your position though. I'm a hardheaded woman and it gets me into trouble. My mother-in-law had developed a grudging respect over the years, until I decided to divorce her son. I have just reinforced her believe that I am going straight to hell (especially now that there's no purgatory!) Sometimes lately I wonder if she isn't correct.

[Midlodemocrat]

20. I think I can make you feel a little better about this.

I have three brothers. All four of us are extremely left wing uber pacifists. Growing up, my brothers all played 'War' in the woods with their friends.

My son also plays 'war', albeit more of a Star Wars variety.

My parents, brothers and I had and have an absolute abhorrence for war, particularly this one. That being said, I also live in VA and we have visited the battlefield sites quite regularly because of their rich history.

My brothers playing war and visiting every site, (not kidding, every one) between FL and CT as children didn't make them warmongers. In fact, I would almost say it had the opposite effect.

One great musuem to take your son to is the Museum of the Civil War Soldier in Petersburg. The interactive inside part is fantastic. It lets you see right up close how awful the conditions were during the war. Afterwards there are Civil War re-enactors on site to describe the hardships.

If anything, I would think it would put him off war, not encourage warmongering behavior.

Good luck with this. I get the feeling your dad just wants to share what is meaningful to him with his grandchild. And, FWIW, the re-enactment stuff is actually pretty interesting (from a confirmed, absolute, without reservation pacifist)

[kwolf68]

25. This is the conundrum...if i can use that word

There are many examples such that you present that basically indicate that I am wrapped around the axle about nothing.

So, the problem is my own I suppose. Maybe the sight of the toy guns and war talk just rekindles my blood rage about this current war.

Maybe he doesn't "get it" that people die and cities burn. To him, George W. Bush means nothing. He hasn't heard of the military-industrial complex....to him, it's just bang bang...have fun, no harm.

[Midlodemocrat]

26. I would say at nine, you are probably right on.

I didn't allow my son to have toy guns, nor swords or any of the like, so he made his own to play with his friends. They play air-soft all the time. But, at 14, when we buried both his grandfathers with full military honors, he wept. He was so moved by the playing of Taps.

[LynneSin]

23. There is nothing wrong is expressing no gifts of a 'violent nature'

My step-sister has raised her 3 kids where they were not allowed any toys of a violent nature outide of perhaps a watergun (and even then it was not a realistic one). Tell your mother point-blank that there will be no toys of this nature and stick with it.

As for camo clothes, that kinda is the style - even I have some camo-shorts.

[kwolf68]

28. That is really what I would like to do...

But, I also want him to grow.

In other words, I don't want every single reference to war removed. War, sadly, is a reality of humanity. Yes, it is an example of FAILURE, but its what mankind does.

If he learns about war, yea...he will learn about the flag waving, the songs, and such...but he'll also be taught why wars start and what the results of them are. He will know that millions of human beings have been killed, that nations around the globe spend billions creating new ways to anihilate people while their people go without clean water.

Part of me is a pacifist on this and just won't say anything...Part of me wants to snap it out like a light...and there is the left-wing activist part that wants me to expose war for the scourge that it is.

My initial instinct is peace at Christmas. :)

[China_cat]

42. Maybe if you try explaining to your parents

that you want your children to realize the seriousness of war...that guns are not toys (and that sticks and make-believe guns are one thing, but toys that look enough like the real thing to get a kid killed are something else) and that military equipment does awful things to both the people facing them and the people running them; and that you want your children, if faced with the question of going to war, not to go with some unrealistic idea of glory but because for them it is the right thing to do, something they believe in...even knowing the costs and consequences. (Hopefully that will never happen, but it will appeal to your parents, I guarantee it.)

Hey, that worked on my (gung-ho) Marine uncle when I didn't want my sons having guns and military toys.

[grace0418]

24. You don't have to create a chasm to insist on some boundaries.

War toys and games were simply not permitted in my house. They just weren't. Did we use sticks and other gun-shaped objects to play Star Wars anyway? Of course. But we got the message loud and clear. Guns were not okay, violent games were not okay. Dressing up in military costumes was not okay. And my dad was a WWII vet. He just didn't think it was child's play.

You can tell them in no uncertain terms that, while you appreciate and honor the service of your father and everyone in uniform, you don't consider it child's play in the least. Therefore toy guns, violent games, camo clothing and other war-related items are simply not permitted in your home. End of story, no convincing, no haggling, that's just the rule. And if you asked them not to do "battlefield stuff" and they did it anyway, you already have a problem that needs to be addressed. I know it's scary and I know you don't want to snap and ruin your relationship with your parents, but they already crossed a line when they did what you specifically asked them not to do.

I think you should consider whether or not you want to continue to allow unsupervised visits. If you do, then you have to bring up the subject again. This time, tell them in no uncertain terms that you don't want them to bring your son to anything war-related unless you are there to supervise. Tell them that you think it's very important that he understand the sacrifice made on behalf of our country by so many men and women (the military cemetary idea was good), however you want to present that information to him. Remind them that you asked them to refrain before and they ignored your request. Tell them that, this time, if they continue to ignore you, then you won't feel comfortable having him visit unsupervised. Better to address this rationally now then to snap and flip out in the middle of Christmas dinner.

I understand your plight to a certain extent. My in-laws are super-conservative and religious in the extreme. Believe me when I tell you that this is part of my reason for delaying having children. I've seem them with my nieces and they have no qualms about shoving their crazy ideas down those girls throats. I've had to put my foot down with them before (i.e. stop sending us crazy right-wing religious literature and emails) so I am prepared to do it when I have children. However, I'm not looking forward to it. I wish my children were going to have one normal grandparent, but alas they aren't.

[Aristus]

27. I know this isn't a feasable solution, and probably not very helpful

anyway, but tell your mother to enlist herself. (See? Wouldn't work; she's too old). Tell her to put her money where her mouth is. You see, she is what we veterans call an "armchair warrior"; endlessly fascinated with the accouterments and minutia of war as long as she herself never has to serve, to put her ass on the line, or hear a shot fired in anger.

Her attitude is odd, considering your father is a Vietnam Veteran. You'd think she'd know more about the horrors of war beyond merely the abstract. She is part of the cultural underbelly of our society that fosters an attitude of callousness, arrogance, bigotry and indifference to the sufferings of others. This attitude is destroying everything that once made America great. While you made no mention of such things, it wouldn't surprise me a bit to discover that your mother sees all non-Americans as enemies to be hated, feared and killed. Especially if they are non-white and non-Christian. If this is a disservice to your mother, I apologize. But such casual, careless blood-lust arising in your mother and being passed down to your son has to come from somewhere.

I hope you can stem the tide of myopic warmongering before it is too late for your son.

Best of luck.

[kwolf68]

29. Well

I don't know if my father has ever talked to her about what he experienced in Vietnam. He has actually said very little to us, at least other than very general comments about his time there. Maybe he needs to tell my mom just what a shitty mess Vietnam was.

While being the best of America and generally Conservative my father is not at all jingoistic. He doesn't have a Silver Star license plate and his medals are actually kept in a spare bedroom on the wall. My mother is always trying to get him to put them downstairs where everyone can see them. So to that end, you are correct..she is fascinated with the accouterments of war.

I told her that he should do with his medals what he damn well pleases. He earned them on the field. That being said, my oldest brother (Marine) will get his medals, which I am totally at peace with. I never served and this is interesting....I was going to serve but I had yet to turn 18...We sat down with the recruiter and my father basically did not sign the waiver for me to join. Had he, I'd have been gone. He said that I turned 18 in a few months and I could decide then. Of course, by then I was onto something else.

He is very reasonable, but my mother definately isn't. But yes, she definatley complains a lot about blacks, immigrants, poor people, etc. She is pro-choice and doesn't have anything against gays (near as I can tell), but she definatley has her boogey-men. When she questioned why my family had taken toys to poor kids on Christmas I was just awestruck.

[Aristus]

30. You rmother is proof that Conservatives are all conservative in different

ways. Just as liberals are liberal in different ways. We all have prejudices and crazy obsessions; they simply manifest themselves in different ways. I was a real 'war, war, war, rah, rah, rah' type when I was young; it took serving in the Gulf in 1991 to change my mind about that. Not everyone would take the same tack. My father served in Vietnam and saw much, MUCH worse things than I did, but he still thinks war is something that has to be done sometimes. We responded differently to roughly the same stimulus. No way of knowing if your mother will ever change for the better. Probably just best to keep your son away from her if she insists on inculcating in him warlike aggression and hatred. Other posters said it very well: she is deliberately crossing a well-defined boundary you have drawn. Force her to respect it.

[kwolf68]

31. Indeed

My mother is around 60 years old so its not likely she will change, but I guess anything is possible.

But yes, I believe I will setup some boundries. I will communicate to her and my mother-in-law what we will now tolerate.

My wife's parents rarely buy war crap. I think they somehow have figured out that I don't like it and have adjusted accordingly.

My parents are a bit tougher nuts to crack. My father still brings me writings from right-wing authors like I'm still on that side of the fence. No wonder they can't figure out I don't like toy munitions.

[bleedingheart]

32. In a way your kids are fortunate to see different people and how

they see the world.

I can see all perspectives but I wouldn't say that they are trying to turn your kid into something.

You were raised by your mother...and yet look how you turned out...

I say let it slide....and to be honest ..none of us really knows how our kids will turn out.

[kwolf68]

35. Well

It can be argued I turned out this way after I left her. I mean, I was not anything that made me proud until about 10 years ago...I don't know how or why, but all of a sudden I just started giving a shit about things and trying to understand things.

My original perception of poverty, homelessness, pollution, race, religion, etc...was given a rude wake-up call when I decided to try to figure some things out.

My mother hates it I became Liberal, but that's her damn problem.

[StellaBlue]

40. True

I don't share my European friends' total amazement at American culture, because I grew up in East Texas. I think it's ignorant and unsophisticated and reprensible, but I kind of understand it.

Maybe your son will, as well. And the more understanding he has of the infinite varieties of humanity, the better. If you were raised in a vegan, pacifist, political activist home you'd be blindsided by reality. Vice versa if you were raised in BFEE values; look at Chimpy McDeath - if he hadn't been selected, where would he be? He's socially impotent.

[Misunderestimator]

33. I would forbid them to take him to such places or to give him toy guns...

As a counterbalance, take him to a war protest, then take him to a VA hospital. Give him facts to counter the false glory your parents are foisting on him. He's YOUR son, not theirs.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

41. If a kid wants to play with a toy gun, they'll just use a stick instead.

I don't get the issue people have with toy guns and GI Joes and such.

[Sanity Claws]

34. Tell him soldiers have to take orders

I had a nephew (around 8 at the time) who said he wanted to join the army. (This must have come from someone outside the family.) So I lit up and said, "Great. Soldiers have to take orders and I like giving orders. So let me give you some orders."
He looked aghast and turned to his mother and said, "Do they have to take orders?" She said yes.
His mother, father, and I started talking about this and said even generals have to take orders and told him about General McArthur. I recited the part of the Charge of the Light Brigade, "Yours is not to reason why, yours is just to do and die."
If you don't want to take orders, you've got to work for yourself.
I think that cured him of wanting to join the military.

[KurtNYC]

36. I was sent for a week during the summer to my grandparents

a couple of different years. What I learned in hindsight was that my grandmother was generous and self-less. Really got her joy through others. I loved her home made noodles and felt guilty later in life when I figured out how hard they are to make and how often I has asked her to cook them for me. But she loved doing it.

My grandfather was more of a mixed bag. He had quite a bit to say about minorities, hippies, etc. And I had reconcile that with his more joyful nature. To see him interact with some the groups he had been talking about -- it was hard to put those 2 together. In hindsight I think it was mostly talk. He liked a good argument and he had 9 mostly liberal kids during the Vietnam war so he got plenty of arguments. He would say certain things around his house just to get an argument going with his kids. And I see that in a lot of conservative types. They are either trying to get themself worked up or they just want to get you pissed off (but their sincerity and what they really believe fact wise is harder to pin down).

I think kids really are like dogs in that they have an ability to see what is in your heart no matter what is coming out of your mouth. It sounds at least possible that your mother is occassionally trying to get your goat. The way your son sees her may be more based on her generosity with him. War, real war, is an abstract concept for most adults. For children it might as well be the land of dragons and fairies. Even if she could teach him to love (which I doubt) "war" it wouldn't be the love of really killing people or really loving hauling your friends back to the medic, etc.

[txwhitedove]

38. Good point, KurtNYC, “…kids… have an ability to see what is in your heart

no matter what is coming out of your mouth.” I was raised by maternal grandparents.
Granny was a dynamic, intelligent, racist woman, who tried to make me a racist too.
My mother was not, and I am not a racist. Will save full story and pics for some other day.

[Taverner]

37. Read him USMC Gen Smedley Butler's "War is a Racket"

Semper Fi dude ;)