Parents of teenagers - How would you have handled this?

[LibDemAlways]

My 13-year-old invited her best friend to come with us on a beach outing today. We asked the girl's mother two days ago and she said it would be fine provided that her daughter clean her room in the interim. Last night my daughter called the girl and she confirmed that her room was clean and she'd be joining us. My daughter was really looking forward to this as she hasn't seen much of her friend lately.

This morning we packed up the car and were on our way out when the phone rang. It was the mother saying the girl couldn't come because she failed to "make her bed." She added that she knew my daughter would be "disappointed" but she had the final word and it was "no." My kid dissolved into tears and was majorly pissed.

I think the mother was just looking for a reason not to let the kid go and ended up punishing my daughter in the process. Should I have made more of an issue of it? As it was I just basically said, "Oh, ok, whatever" and hung up. This woman can be quite overbearing and controlling and I've often been tempted to call her on her bullshit. But, on the other hand, my daughter gets long famously with her friend, and I don't want to create friction.

As an aside, I'm the parent who takes the kids everywhere, often paying for the friend, and have been called on more than once to watch this kid for a week at a time when the mother feels like taking a kid-free vacation. She has no problem asking for favors and then turning around and pulling crap like this.

Anyone here ever had issues with the parents of their kids' friends? Just wondering.

[CanuckAmok]

1. I assume you're not of the "beat the parent with a garden-hose" school?

If not, then I'm all out of ideas.

[LibDemAlways]

3. No, I don't want to resort to violence. I just

wish the woman would take my daughter's and my feelings into consideration, but I guess it's impossible to teach someone "class" who has none.

[liontamer]

2. not a parent, but it's not really your place

you could have tried asking a little bit harder, but since you don't have a good relationship with this woman it would have been awkward. It sucks for your daughter, but you didn't do anything wrong. It sucks for the other girl because it sounds like her parents are nuts (she couldn't just make her bed and then go?). I'd keep an eye out for child abuse because that kind of raises some red flags. but there's not much else you can do.

[Midlodemocrat]

4. I can totally understand. I am usually the one in your shoes.

And, frankly, I don't think making more of an issue of it would have changed the situation. It might have made you feel better, but that mom was looking for a reason to punish that kid and if the sun had been shining in a particularly dusty window that would have been the deal breaker.

Having been where you are, as the family who always does with no reciprocation, I have learned, (the hard way) that it is better to invite a second tier friend that you are sure can come to a weekend away, or a beach week away and invite the first tier, or best friend to things which mom wouldn't have a chance to cancel.
'
I'm sorry for you. I've been there and I can imagine how your heart aches for your child. :hug:

[LibDemAlways]

6. Thanks for your response. You really understand

the dynamics of this situation.

In my daughter's case, she doesn't want to invite the second or third string friends. We took one to an amusement park the other day, and the two barely spoke. Unfortunately for me, she only feels a real connection to this one kid, and the mother, I think knowing this, enjoys pulling the strings in the relationship. She's a piece of work.

[ContraBass Black]

5. Not your kid, not your call.

However, don't transmit your frustration at the mother to her child.

[riderinthestorm]

7. The only thing you possibly might have done would be play the guilt card

Tell the woman that your daughter didn't invite another friend along since she had confirmed that this woman's daughter was going the night before. Tell the woman that at that point - everyone in the car ready to go, YOUR daughter was very disappointed.

Then you could have offered to wait in the driveway while this woman's daughter made her bed before you picked her up.

Chances are the woman would have persisted in being a manipulative bitch and you would have still been in the same position but I've found that being brutally honest in situations like this SOMETIMES can work. Depends on how psycho the parent/child relationship is....

I've been in this situation before with other parents. It totally sucks.

My kids are taught to live up to all of their commitments: the ones they make to their friends ("I can make it to the beach with you if I clean my room" which translates into making sure it's acceptable to the parent in charge), and the ones that they have with me ("I will make sure I get my chores done appropriately BEFORE I walk out the door"). A responsible parent helps their kids succeed at their commitments.

Your daughter's friend's parent is failing on her end.

[LibDemAlways]

11. You nailed it. It's the living up to

commitments part that escapes these people. It frustrates the hell out of my daughter because when I say I'm going to do something, it's as good as done. When I expect her to do something, she knows I mean business. She doesn't understand why her friend's family doesn't operate the same way.

And I have to caution her not to badmouth the mother, though I know she often has to bite her tongue. Unfortunately a close teenage friendship between two girls is a little like a marriage - you have to accept the other's family, warts and all - and that's sometimes very challenging.

[Fleshdancer]

8. There's probably more to the story that you don't know

At the end of the day, the issue is between the two of them and even though your daughter was hurt, her friend's mom really can't take that into consideration when disciplining her own child.

[catbert836]

9. Speaking as a teenager

with a friend whose mom is exactly like your daughter's friend (couldn't come to my birthday party, et cetera), I don't think it's really your place to do so, it's possibly the height of impoliteness to question someone else's raising of their kids. I'm sorry your daughter was so dissapointed (which I have been too), but on the plus side she's learned a little bit about what not to treat her kids like when she's a parent.

[mykpart]

10. Wow! Nothing has changed in 40+ years!

I'm 58, and when I was a teenager, I had a friend whose mother was just like that! A shame, too, because the girl was all screwed up. Poor girl! Probably the only normal time she has is when she's with your family!

[LibDemAlways]

12. Yep, afraid so. The dad took off

several years ago - whereabouts unknown. Mom and kids currently living with mom's latest "sugar daddy." Older sister in rehab. The girl calls me "mom" and my husband "dad." Very sad situation.