Lights in the backyard

[CornField]

My 14-yr-old daughter came up to me and said, "Did you know your new garden lamp (one of those solar ones) flickers at night? It scared the crap out of me!"

I didn't think much of it and continued working on the computer. About an hour ago (roughly 2 a.m.), I went walking through the back of the house toward the kitchen. When I came through the doorway into the kitchen, this blinding light sliced through the darkened room through the window. I jumped back about three feet and then hit the deck. I stopped peeing on myself a few seconds later when the light went off.

This particular window faced the backyard and alley. My mind quickly did inventory... garden, plants, grill, outdoor furniture, garden equipment, kid's playhouse, tent (was the tent still out there drying?) and my Jeep. OMG! My Jeep! I picked myself up and ran back to the desk to fetch my keys and my 'big ass' metal flashlight. (I really need to think about getting a better defense weapon.) I went back into the kitchen and decided I could hit the lock on the remote to make the Jeep light up and honk. Surely, if there was anyone in the backyard, he/she/monster would be scared away by the sudden noise. I sat down on the floor and crawled over to the cabinets by the window. I poked my hand up with the remote and hit the button. *HOOONK* I listened... nothing.

I sat there for several more minutes and decided my plan of action had worked. I crossed the room and sat my weapon on the cabinet before heading into the bathroom. (Where I did my business in the dark... just in case.) After finishing up, I went waltzing back into the kitchen and I was just pretty darn proud of myself for defeating the scary lighting culprit. I picked up the flashlight and turned to head back through the doorway. My shadow waved at me from the wall as my back was warmed by a huge light coming through the back window. I tried to spin around and take cover by the cabinet again, but before my body was turned around, the light went out. I moved to the window and dunked low, putting my flashlight on the sill. I had my finger on the button when I had to squeeze my eyes shut against the "Close Encounters" light.

I left the kitchen and moved past the dining room into the computer room where the 14-year-old was on the computer. I related the story to her quickly and added "the garden light would have to be sitting on the sun to produce a light like that!" She agreed it was probably too big of a light for our little solar lantern to produce and then joined me in the semi-frantic "where is that light coming from" state of mind.

The next 30 minutes or so were eaten up by us waiting for the light to blaze in the kitchen and then trying to Army crawl over to the window so that we could maybe - if our heads weren't shot off - discover the source of the light. We were not successful. It seemed everytime we moved through the doorway, the light would go off. So, out of options and shaking from the heebie-jeebies, I phoned the local police department.

"Hi! This is blah-blah-blah and I live at blah-blah-blah. Do you happen to have a car going up and down our alley with a spotlight?"

The dispatcher assured me this was not the case and then waited patiently to learn why I asked.

"Well... ahhh... there's this light. It's really bright! It keeps coming in my kitchen window and it's really spooking out my daughter and I."

To her credit, the dispatcher kept whatever she was thinking to herself as she informed me she'd be sending a car right over. After giving her my phone number, I hung up and the daughter and I sank down by the computer desk to watch the light show.

We never saw the cruiser come down the alley. It had been 15 minutes (and we live in a town where you can drive from one side to the other in under five) and we were still sitting on the floor watching the light parade across the kitchen. Finally, I'd had enough. I bravely grabbed the flashlight and called for the dog. I marched slowly (but with great purpose) into the kitchen and made my way over to the window. With the dog to give me courage, I waited until the light came on and then I thrust my head quickly around to look outside. The light was coming from ... from my Jeep?!?! Yup, there sat my Jeep with headlights blazing.

I went back to the phone and redialed the dispatcher.

"I think I've found the source of the light." She grunted and I took that as an affirmation to continue the story. "My vehicle headlights keep going on and off, on and off but I don't have a clue why."

"Miss (I might add here that I should have been pissed off by the whole "miss" thing. Unfortunately, I'm to the age where I take things like people IDing me for beer and being called miss as a compliment) ... Miss, it's probably just the car malfunctioning."

"Yeah, probably. I'll hang up and head outside and see if I can figure it out."

"NO WAIT!! I said 'probably' so please wait until I can send the patrol car back to your house. Stay on the line with me until he arrives."

I did and he did. Then I hung up and went outside to have a very confusing conversation with the officer. No one was in the car... no one, at least as far as we could tell, had been in the car. I unlocked it and we looked it over. Then we closed it and I locked the door. I was thankful it was dark so that he couldn't see the embarrassment rising on my cheeks.

I went back inside and thought that would be the end of it. I was just finishing up praising Jesus for keeping my husband sleeping through all of this when the dog went nuts. Throughout the whole light show, she had done nothing. Not a peep. Not a moan. Not even passing gas (for once). Now she was transforming herself into McGruff the Crime Dog and ripping through the house. I almost wet myself again when the phone (placed in pocket in case there was a bad person in my backyard flower garden who somehow overpowered the cop and took me hostage) rang.

"Is this blah-blah-blah?"

"Who's asking?"

"This is so-and-so from the blah-blah-blah police department."

"OH! Then, yes, I'm blah-blah-blah."

"The officer who was assisting you with your vehicle would like for you to step back outside for a moment. There seems to be another problem."

"Oh, okay."

This person was talking to me about this new problem as I made my way through the house (grabbing trusty 'big ass' flashlight) and headed out the back door. As the door swung open, I quickly glanced what looked to be a tall man all dressed in black with an axe (I swear it looked like an axe!) above his head. I yelped and made a quick dash to the right. He was faster and grabbed for my arm. In that instant my brain registered the police officer with his own 'big ass' flashlight, but my body has never been able to stop on a dime (especially when driven by fear of dismemberment and death). I lunged forward, lost my footing on a paver and attempted a nice, graceful tuck and roll. Instead my head slammed smartly into the lawnmower, my nightshirt flipped up over my head (at which moment I instantly remembered my lack of underpants) and I sort of slowly slugged into my own flower bed, crushing two salvia and a gerbera daisy.

Until tonight I had no idea of the professionalism extended by my local law enforcement agency. Without missing a beat, the officer was by my side and helping me to my feet. It was one of those moments where you wish for serious bodily injury (to cover up the serious ego injury), but there wasn't any. Once we determined that the dirt would wash off my ass... the officer informed me that one of the dome lights in the Jeep wasn't turning off.

So. There you have it. This entire night turned out to be the fault of my 4-year-old son who cannot understand why he must not sit in his carseat without playing with interior lights.

[KitchenWitch]

1. I know I shouldn't be laughing

but I am!

[dubeskin]

2. Half way through I was starting to get scared!

:yoiks: