Are there people who attract abuse and, if so, how?

[Just Me]

I'm talking about generally mild-mannered, decent individuals.

I had an SO who said that, such people are always the object of abuse because they are generally, passive, and so,...easy targets for the more aggressive types expecting no reprisal.

I guess I'm trying to get clear in my mind how these games work.

[SOteric]

1. I suspect it's more accurate to say

that there are some people who are attracted to abusers and who seem to continually find themselves in abusive relationships.

It's nothing to do specifically with a passive/dominant disposition. We all seek relationships where our inclinations conscious and subconscious, neurotic and healthy, can come easily into play. People who are grew up with and are comfortable with the role of 'victim' tend to most easily form attachments to those who are comfortable victimizing others.

[Just Me]

2. So, you reject the notion that abusers are attracted to the vulnerable.

Is that your position?

Curious.

Maybe, that perception explains a LOT about life (oops, on edit) human life.

[pitohui]

3. certainly bullies select easy marks, given the choice

i am not sure i understand your question, it almost seems like a tautology, of course bullies will be bullies so by definition they choose victims who appear to be unable to defend themselves

[OhioBlue]

4. I once had a conversation with a girl

that I knew from HS.

She ended up dating a man that I had dated and had tried to get out of my life for a few years. Anyway - she and I had similar past childhood abuse experiences. (Mine was not parents - my mom and dad are both wonderful) anyway - he's an abusive sob. She actually called me to get advice... anyway... I mentioned, how do they know? How do they know that we seem so strong, but that they CAN play us?

Through our conversation, we both determined that there are some that are just predators. They seem to be able to seek out those that "just want to help", those that have had previous bad experiences, so it is not out of the "norm" to experience another bad relationship....

It's hard to explain, but in my experience, one does not seek to be a victim, but once one is, the alarm bells don't go off as they might for someone who has not previously been a victim. It is kinda like a normalization of being victimized - if that makes any sense.

I never enjoyed my relationship with him, but I did start to buy into his verbal and psychological abuse... I did begin to think that I wasn't worth of anything, that no one would want me (except him), etc.

It was really a battle between my intelligent thought and my beat-up emotional thought. I can't really explain it....

[Just Me]

5. So,....what are you?

A wanna' be "victim"?

People who assert that others WANT to be victims,...really gross me out!!!

Like,...any human being WANTS to be a victim or victimized!!! FUCK OFF!!!

Being a "predator" seems to be "popular", right now,...and it's sick, it's barbaric, it's lower than any/all species on earth.

That's my point.

On edit: hope you know in your heart my words were not directed AT you,...*smile*,...I'm sure you already knew that. :hug:

[OhioBlue]

7. actually.. I'm glad you added the edit.

I was thrown back a little at first until I read your post again.

I do know what you're trying to say. And yes, it is ridiculous that someone might have the notion that people ever choose to be victims.

I didn't elaborate in my post, but really my observation is that no person ever wants to be a victim, but once you are... it isn't as easy as some might think to have the normal defense system to fight off being a victim - especially if it first happened at an early age.

The phrase "you don't know what you don't know" is very accurate it this scenario.

[Just Me]

9. I do not believe "age" has anything to do with oppression,...

,...or "victimization", they are one in the same: WILL BEING IMPOSED UPON ANOTHER.

It's ethically gross, supposedly religiously sinful, and civilly criminal, egregious and barbaric.

Yet, barbaric seems the all the fade these days, doesn't it.

[AlienGirl]

12. Nobody wants to be a victim...

But once a person has been victimized, abusers will recognize them as "prey." Think of it like sharks smelling blood in the water--nobody wants the initial shark bite, but the blood trail attracts more sharks.

Tucker

[spindrifter]

6. It seems that one of the

key problems the abuse-attractors have is the inability to establish and maintain boundaries. Some people never learn how to do this. They cannot tell the aggressors that they can go only so far and then have to back off.

[Just Me]

8. Respect for boundaries may be the key. eom

[Just Me]

10. I want to know if anyone here justifies taking advantage of those,...

,...who may be innocent, pure-hearted, vulnerable or "weaker" than an oppressor.

[otherlander]

11. I think it's something in the eyes

that acts like a beacon and attracts assholes from miles around. Someone told me that eyes are like windows to your soul...except I think that most people are able to hide what that actually is. But some people are just themselves and don't hide that, and whatever innocence or individuality shines through draws the bloodsuckers right out of the woodwork.

Also, I think that certain people in positions of authority feel threatened by people who carry themselves with confidence, so they feel that they have to crush that person to prove their superiority. I had a friend at school who was very smart and she said that she felt like the teachers hated her, and my guess was that they felt intimidated.