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From CNN:
'President Bush called Hezbollah the root cause of the situation in remarks to reporters Tuesday, and said the militants must be confronted.
"I strongly believe every nation ought to be able to defend itself from terrorist attacks," he said.'
Once again, President Bush takes decades of complex political, military, geographic, social, and economic complexity and strips it down to its simple origins, like a master woodworker turning a beautiful antique rolltop desk into three old orange crates.
It's terrorists. That's why Hezbollah is attacking Israel. Because they like terror, and like to use terror to terrorise the easily terrified.
So, in the interest of saving both Bush and CNN the time it takes to actually study the complexities of this global crisis and others, I'm making a list of things that Terrorists are also behind. Feel free to add your own; I cannot possibly cover them all:
Terrorists have caused:
the kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby
the drowning of Natalie Wood
the sinking of PT109
the taking of Pelham 1-2-3
the theft of the English Crown Jewels
cancer
my local supermarket's decision to no longer carry Breyers' "Chocolate Cookie D'Oh" ice cream
every flat tire
the one mosquito that flies around after you've turned the bedroom light out, and causes you a poor night's sleep because you can't truly relax because you know it's only a matter of time until she finds your exposed flash
the inconclusive end to the Riget series
Pete Rose's gambling addiction
Martha Rae's tooth loss
The AMC Pacer
colic
your underwear binding when you're in a crowd and can't reach around to fix it without creating a spectacle
the ink drying in pens you haven't used for a while
AIDS
the movie version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts' Club Band
the discontinuation of the Aquaman comic-book series
the bankruptcy of the Vlasic Pickle Company
the death of Johnny Carson
Thomas Jefferson's nearly never being acknowledged as the inventor of the dumb-waiter
"Scary Movie", "Baseketball" and anything in which Will Farell and David Spade have ever appeared, alone or together
the pie-ing of Anita Bryant
Weezer's "Pinkerton" album
the demise of the Betamax format
the disappearance of Glen Miller
the reappearance of Pauly Shore
the 'popularity' of new feature-film versions of mediocre 1970s television series
the demise of the Dumont Network
British food
Richard Simmons' baffling ability to hang onto a small but still lucrative self-improvement video market despite being a short, fat, annoyingly shrill and effete old guy
cleaners that leave a gritty/powdery residue on basins, tubs and tiles
Godfather III
Howard Hughes' collection of bottled urine
the Edmonton Oilers
static cling
that single by Melanie where she warbles all over the high-notes until you want to drive nails into your own eyes
20" wheels that continue to rotate even when the vehicle they're attached to has stopped moving
Dick Clark's sudden aging
broken laces
Bigfoot
Nessie
Ogopogo
hotel towels
Bill Cosby after he turned 40
that kid who totally keeps taking your parking space
when you go to check the mailbox and there's nothing in it
spam
Spam
Zha Zha Gabor slapping that cop
the stamp with the upside-down airplane on it
dropped calls
potholes
Orson Welles having to shill, between gasps, for Vivitar in his final years
lying
that whole thing with that Cuban kid hiding in a closet
magnetism
Ofra Haza's death
people who aren't really pregnant but stuff pillows under their tops so they can park closer to Home Depot
obesity in the big-boned
our obsession with the Jen-Brad-Angelina triangle
Stephen Hawking's lack of independent mobility
chips in nailpolish
gravity
missing socks
stations not carrying Howard Stern
puppies that are cute but stink when you get near them
the metric system
the touch-tone phone
the nubs
Chesapeake Bay
JP Morgan's nudity on the Gong Show
vapour-lock
anything you can't find but you know it's around here somewhere - you swear you just looked right at it like two minutes ago
Areas 1 through 50
the bad-luck curse on the US two dollar bill
the rising price of lettuce
There, I think that's it. Did I miss anything?
Darn those Terrorists! Darn them all to heck!
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