I need something, I just don't know what it is. Seriously.

[GirlinContempt]

I wasn't going to post about this, but apparently I've been sucked into an alternate reality and don't have much other choice. Plus, I already got the ball rolling in another thread.

My sister, who's been doing fucked up things for a long time, has had a boyfriend for about 5 years. She's VERY young, and was very young when they started dating.
He's a crack dealer. Among other things.
The actual scale of his nefariousity came to my attention when she told me he was being 'harassed' by the cops, pulled over every day, etc. I suggested that perhaps this wasn't harassment but in fact due to his being a drug dealer who drives a flashy car and behaves in a sketchy manner. Apparently, it's racial profiling. :eyes: I think it has more to do with his prior drug arrests and his lifestyle, and oh, the fact that he's a CRACK DEALER.

Not too long ago he had to LEAVE TOWN because some other CRACK FIENDS found out where he was living and wanted to kill him.

Also, even more recently, while smoking outside of a club, my sister witnessed some kid get stabbed repeatedly, fall to the ground, and bleed to death, about 5 feet from her. She was upset, but when I asked her more about it, the kid was 'involved with drugs and had it coming to him because he fucked someone else over'.

She, apparently, doesn't realize that it could have been her boyfriend. Or her. Just as she could be in the car when he finally gets busted for being a CRACK DEALER.

But, what I *really* don't get, is that my parents (whom my sister lives with) are so happy that her boyfriend is finally coming around and spending time with the family.

I'm not making this up. They're encouraging this. Now, I believe they don't know he's a crack dealer, but I also believe they're fucking retarded. Like, absofuckinglutly retarded. They refused to acknowledge that she was a drug addict in the past. or that my brother was a coke head dealing for the hells angels living in their house. And any number of things. And they're fucking stupid, and putting themselves at risk because they don't want to have to be the 'bad guys'.

And then, THEN, when my brother heard about my sisters boyfriends troubles, he offered to TRADE CARS with the guy, and told my sister how great it was that boyfriend was hanging around more often and how much he liked boyfriend. When I heard that, I wished I knew his address so I could go smack him the fuck around.

I'm just stressed out. And a huge part of that stress is that everyone around me apparently lives in fucking crazytown and I'm the only one who seems to have an issue with this. I feel like I'm looking in a window, and it's framing my upper middle class business owner parents in their gorgeous house, sitting down with the cokehead son, the former meth head daughter, and the crack dealing practically-son-in-law, and this song is playing:
http://members.shaw.ca/alysh/theme.mp3

It's fucked. And I don't know what to do. With my brother, I told my mother repeatedly, and when she wouldn't listen, I ended up in a shouting match with her, and told her that if I ever EVER caught him doing ANYTHING in the house or around the family I would call the cops so fucking fast he wouldn't know what hit him. Because I'm not going to enable some drug addict just because I love him. In fact, BECAUSE I love him I refuse to pretend that nothings going on and provide tacit approval. Mum cried, but Dad gave me the thumbs up. I told him he had no balls and should have said it himself. I was very angry :P

The thing is, telling them won't do anything here, except they might refuse to allow crack-o over, and I'll get fingered as the squealer, and frankly, my sister is the one who threw her life away and I'm not trading mine for hers. What the fuck do I do?

I'd really love to talk to someone. Anyone. But apparently everyone is fucking cucoo in the head.

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. Holy crap, i don't know what you should do, except take one of these

:pals:

and maybe a couple of these :beer: :toast: :beer:

Best wishes to you in sorting out your involvement or disinvolvement in this situation. Harsh!

[GirlinContempt]

2. It sounds like something from a bad made for TV movie

Thanks Rabrrrrr

[miss_american_pie]

3. I'm sorry

:hug:

I have no advice, but I don't see that there's really anything you can do here. Even if you tell them, there're no guarantees they'll listen.

[GirlinContempt]

5. Yeah, true.

They never listen.

Mum:"I just don't understand whats wrong with K"

Aly:"Mom, K is a meth addict"

Mum:"What are you talking about?!"

Me:"I uh, saw her smoking meth. And she told me she does it. And she's been a real sketch case lately. And acted like she was, I dunno, high."

Mum:"I don't believe she'd ever do THAT. It must be something else"

Me:"Like the time she stayed up all night pulling off the wallpaper with her hands and then collapsed on the stairs at like, 7:30? Yeah? She was HIGH ON METH" (Sidenote: that incident, I got to hear about how GREAT it was she was being so helpful with the home renovations)

Mum: essentially amounts to plugging ears and shouting "LALALALLA I CANT HEAR YOU LALALALALA"

[miss_american_pie]

7. Oh so familiar

Me: Mom, stop giving him money.

Mom: But he hasn't been working.

Me: Mom, if he has no source of money he will work.

Mom: But he had it harder than you girls.

:banghead: ad infinitum

:hug:

[GirlinContempt]

8. Yeah, some kid got shot a few blocks from my house

by the hells angels over drugs. This was a few years back, now. The police came a knockin on my parents door, because my brother was the last person to call his cell (from my parents #) before he was shot.

"He's a cokehead mom. Remember that kid that got killed? And how he doesn't work and has money? And keeps breaking mirrors? He's a cokehead and a dealer"

"LALALLALALLAA I CANT HEAR YOU LALALLALALLA"

[ghostsofgiants]

4. Christ...

I have no advice whatsoever, but that's a pretty shitty situation. :hug:

[GirlinContempt]

6. Well, thanks anyway

:hug:

[Pale Blue Dot]

9. I'm going to give you the best advice, but you're not going to like it.

Get away. Forget about it all as much as you can. You've got a good head on your shoulders, but you're in a very unhealthy situation and you need distance. Unfortunatly, I doubt you'll be able to help anyone in you family, although it's obvious you love them all in spite of all of the crap.

Don't let it suck you in, and don't feel responsible. It's not your fault, and you can't live other people's lives for them.

And don't worry, I wouldn't have listened to this advice either. Good luck. :hug:

[GirlinContempt]

12. yeeeeeeeeeeeeah

not gonna happen

[Redstone]

17. What he said.

There are some people who cannot be helped.

Redstone

[Dangerously Amused]

38. I have to agree.

You've done your level best up to this point, anything more is going to be harmful to your own mental and physical health. It seems the only thing left to do is to put distance between yourself and all of them. Remove yourself from all the unhealthy, crazy stuff before it drags you down with it. Eventually the house of cards will tumble and everyone will be left with the consequences from their choices. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can't save people from themselves when they are hellbent on messing up their lives, even when they are people you love.

A friend of mine once said about children, "When they're little you have to catch them before they fall. When they're big you have to let them fall, and then be there to pick them back up." Wise words, and I think the sentiment applies to the adults in your life as well.


Good luck.


:hug:

[SlavesandBulldozers]

51. amen. Run.

as fast as you can. away from everything. Don't look back.

[Floogeldy]

10. Its okay for you to burden us with sibling rivalry and family dysfunction.

We can take it. That is why we are here.

Pile it on, baby.

:smoke:

[GirlinContempt]

11. The only sibling rivalry I see

is who can get killed/overdose/arrested first, my brother or my sister.

[Floogeldy]

16. The rivalry part comes in with your parents going along with it.

:)

[zanne]

53. Do you really love your sister...

Or are you just pissed at her? (It's an honest question; I'm not taking sides here).

[GirlinContempt]

55. How are the two

mutually exclusive? The people we love are, I think, MORE likely to piss you off because you care so much about them.

I love her very, very much. I don't understand why that would even be a question. And yes, I'm incredibly pissed at her, too. For putting herself and her family in this kind of situation, for being so stupid as to throw away everything she's been given in life, and for not caring about us enough to try to offer the same protection we've always tried to offer her.

[ghostsofgiants]

63. That question makes my head hurt.

[Nicole]

Not sure what you can do to help

Whatever it is should be done from a distance though. Of that I'm sure.

You don't want to be around when shit gets worse. And from the sounds of it, it will definitely get worse.

:hug:

[GirlinContempt]

15. Yeah, so far

I've come up with a big fat 0 for helpful, viable ideas. *sigh*

[Nicole]

22. I'm sorry

That's a bad place to be, especially without helpful ideas.

Do you have Al-Anon, or something like it, near you? It really helped a friend of mine when her hubby was doing meth. It didn't stop the problem but it helped her in dealing with it. Talking to strangers with the same problem was more helpful to her than talking with friends who didn't have a clue.

[GirlinContempt]

45. Yeah, I meant my own helpful ideas, btw

A number of people have suggested that now. Thanks, I'll probably look into it

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. If you are old enough to leave home, do it!

You can't fix other people, and your parents are in serious denial (not an uncommon syndrome--as a non-parent I have often observed that parenthood makes some people stupid).

I had a college friend whose brother was a paranoid schizophrenic, and her parents insisted on keeping him at home unmedicated, even after he attacked her. Her solution was literally to go live overseas after graduating from college.

You may need to do the same.

Don't hesitate to go move in with a friend temporarily if the situation gets really hairy.

[GirlinContempt]

14. I don't live at home.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

18. Good!

Maybe you need to stay away from your family for a while--and tell them exactly why.

With Crackhead hanging around and other addiction issues at play in your family, being around that house could actually be life-threatening.

Limit contact to phone calls. Go somewhere else for Thanksgiving.

[bicentennial_baby]

19. hey you....

:hug: hit me up if you ever wanna vent/talk/whatever :)

[GirlinContempt]

23. Thanks

[NJ Democrats]

20. Oh shit.

I really don't know wht to tell you, but that is really bad. :hug:

[GirlinContempt]

24. Yeah, it's not great

Sometimes things just feel so surreal.

It makes me giggle a little.

That might make me a bad person, but it's true.

[OhioBlue]

21. wow - that is a really tough situation for you to be in.

you definitely need some allies to help you talk to your parents. Do you have any aunts/uncles, grandparents, a minister that your parents are more likely to listen to? I'm not all that familiar with al-anon, but maybe that could be a source of support and advice?

[GirlinContempt]

26. Nope to all of the above.

My parents are flaming atheists, as well as alcoholics (the 'respectable' kind, but drinkers none the less) so no one from alanon could talk to them, plus the whole religious aspect.

I'm worried that talking to my parents will get me killed though, no matter who joins forces with me.

[OhioBlue]

32. well hon, you've definitely got your hands full.

I'm afraid the best advice is to start focusing on yourself. Keep yourself safe. Maybe al-anon won't help with talking to your parents, but maybe it could be a support group for YOU. Take care of yourself, I'm sorry I don't have better advice.
:hug:

[jobycom]

25. I don't know. I can swap stories with you, but not much else.

I couldn't save anyone in my family. What I did was move away so when I had kids they wouldn't be part of that world. I had one brother, a foster brother, really, who was a drug-dealing pimping sociopath, another brother who did a lot of drugs as a teenager until he finally had a nervous breakdown. He still lives with my parents. My sister is an alcoholic cokehead who has rarely held a job, and she cycles through boyfriends about every three years, and lives off my parents, who raised her two kids.

I used to respect my parents and think they were saints for all they've tried to do for three very screwed up kids. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that three of their kids were screwed up, and I survived by escaping. They are like yours--afraid to face the facts or to face people. I told them all through high school what was happening to my sister, and the blamed me for spreading stories. My pimp brother got arrested for attempted murder at around fourteen, and they defended him, and actually got him off. He was over the next few years arrested for various forms of rape, ranging from statutory to the full-blown violent thing. He ran away frequently, but they often took him back, even when they shouldn't have. Since he was a foster brother they could have returned him to the state, but did not. As a result he did horrendous things to my family, and just within the last couple of months I discovered another thing he did that my parents failed to react to. If they had, maybe some of the pain he caused others would have been headed off, but they didn't. I'll never tell them, but I do think less of them now, though I do still respect a lot of what they've done.

I guess the point is that you're right to be upset with your parents and with the situation, you are right to want to save your brother and sister, but don't let it get your life, too, and if youhave children or plan to, don't let them grow up exposed to all of this. All the other players in this are their own people, and as painful as it is, you can't really do anything about it if they don't want you to. You could take drastic steps, like turning brother or boyfriend in to the cops, or even sister, but they may not be any better because of it.

At some point the best thing you can do for them and you is to remove yourself from their problems. If you are lucky, they may miss your presence and seek you out, wanting to change. If not... well, my brother died of a drug overdose two years ago, and I hadn't seen him in twenty years. The only time I've regretted that was when I learned what I did a couple months ago, because then I sincerely wanted to kill him, and couldn't even do that.

But my two kids are healthy, happy, and safe from him, and though they see my sister from time to time, they really can see her as a distant stranger, and see her mistakes. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I've saved them. That's the only insight I can give, really. Just don't let what they do kill you. And you don't have to tell me how hard that is.

[GirlinContempt]

29. Thanks for sharing your story

I'm not sure what to say

[jobycom]

30. Nothing to say

Except hi! :hi:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

27. Try Nar-Anon

http://www.naranonmi.org/meetings_worldwide.htm

From their site:
There are Nar-Anon Groups, throughout the United States, Canada and other countries worldwide, that hold regular weekly meetings. If you can not find a meeting, web site of help line in your area please inquire about Nar-Anon meetings in your area. http://www.nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm

You may also call 310/547-5800. visit the Nar-Anon WSO Web Site

or write: Nar-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

22527 Crenshaw Blvd. Suite 200B

Torrance, CA 90505

If there is no Nar-Anon support Group in your area please try our Lone Member Forum program or ask us to help you start a group in your neighborhood.

:hug::hug::hug:

[GirlinContempt]

28. Thanks for that info

:)

[Dear Bastards]

31. Sometimes Violence *IS* an answer

[GirlinContempt]

33. yeah maybe not

:P

[pitohui]

34. you need to get away from these people

yes, your parents too

you're worried abt your sister being killed or arrested, well, it could just as well happen to you too, or to your parents

apparently your parents don't care and want to continue enabling

in that circumstance i see no alternative to moving to another town, preferably in another state or country, and as far as family is concerned, just send those who are not in the morgue or prison or hospital a xmas card ea. december

honestly don't know what else you can do

do your parents even understand that if they own a business that if these crack dealers they associate with, including the brother, is ever arrested, they could end up investigated as potential money launderers and everything they have would be subject to forfeiture even if they were not charged or convicted of any crime

get away, save yourself before they pull you down w. them

i'm serious

no one ever stopped an addict or an enabler by yelling at them, talking to them, engaging with them, the addict or enabler has to want to change and these people have made it clear that they have no intention of even trying

life is too short

make your escape NOW

if you're too young to move out, i don't know what to tell you

[GirlinContempt]

37. I don't live with them

but i love my family and I can't just do that.

[pitohui]

39. unfortunately the net that catches the crow also catches the eagle

that is the v. first step that any advisor is going to give you -- you must get away from the drug users, the drug sellers, and the enablers

all i can say is that when you're ready to stop involving yourself with drug addicts and their problems, life can and does get better

you should seriously attend an ala-non or similar meeting as the others have advised you

if you expected us to tell you of some secret formula to make people stop using drugs and hanging out w. the sellers of drugs, there isn't any secret formula

giving the user, the seller, or the enabler more drama and attention is not love, sometimes love is an action -- and since we can't put a gun to the head of the druggies and make them stop then the action is usually to remove something of value to the druggies, in this case, your presence in their lives

jobycom's story is a good one and there is a good message there abt protecting self and one's future family

p.s. i didn't live with the friend who came over to our house and got us shot at by the crack dealers who followed him either, you don't have to live w. someone to be in danger or for the association to be a negative one

[txwhitedove]

35. Hey, GC, no wonder you drank that Merlot! Anyone connected with a

drug dealer, puts themselves AND their family at serious risk.
Your life and your parents' lives are jeopardized by the drug activity,
and your parents' home and business can be seized by the government.
Disassociate yourself with tough love. You love your parents but can't
help them or even talk to them about the situation as long as they keep
giving money to brother or sister, or refuge to the boyfriend. You love
your brother and sister but can't talk to them or be with them as long
as they continue this self-destructive path. Hard, hard, hard, to talk
this way to your family, it is like cutting off your arm to save your life.


:hug:

[GirlinContempt]

43. It is really hard

I've tried to do that before, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. I grew up feeling like I should take care of my sister, and it's hard to let that go. and... it's just not as easy as it seems like it should be. Yeah.

[RevCheesehead]

36. As much as you want to, you cannot save other people

from their own self-destructive behavior. But that doesn't mean you have to accept the situation.

Tell your sister, in no uncertain terms, that you will have nothing to do with her boyfriend... and that while she continues to see him, knowing what he's doing (and ignoring it), that you will have very little to do with her as well.

This isn't about loyalty - it's about tough love. While your parents want to look for positive signs, they're fooling themselves. And you let them know where you stand.

Good luck.

[GirlinContempt]

44. Thanks Rev

[Floogeldy]

40. You need something, you don't know what it is.

But you sure go out of your way jerking us off exclaiming that you know WHAT IT IS NOT. :)

[GirlinContempt]

42. Probably because

I've been sitting here rolling this over and over and over in my mind. Maybe.

[wildhorses]

41. damn....

:hug:

[GirlinContempt]

46. thank you, wildhorses

:hug:

[radwriter0555]

47. Girl.. here it is... this isn't your problem. You aren't the cause, the

symptoms or the enabler, you're just another victim of the terrible disease of addiction.

It isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility. You don't have to fix any of this and you also don't have to participate. All you can really do is stand by and watch it, I'm afraid.

It's really screwed up, isn't it? But the truth is, there is absolutely nothing you can do about any of this.

You already know there is nothing you can do about any part of this situation, what you have to learn to do now is to let go of it all. Sadly you're going to watch them either succomb to these evils, or eventually climb up out of all of it. Then you can be there when they ask for help.

Your only role here is to stand by and watch and most importantly protect yourself first so that you aren't a victim in all of this. Then, (lucky you) you get to pick up the pieces when they all fall apart... it sucks, doesn't it? To watch families crumble. You must of course refuse to enable their behavior; let them know you don't like it, and don't participate it in; that's your self-protection.

But, I have to tell you.... a lot of people make it out the other side okay after going through all of this horrific stuff. My best friend is a former heroin addict... she's been married for 15 years, has 3 boys, a successful business with her husband and a nice life now, and she put her family through the hell you're going through. She has no shame in her past, and pulled herself through it. Her family and friends stood by and stand there strong still. That's what your role is. To accept and try to be as non-judgemental as you can be. They're going to need you when it all comes crashing down, and you have to be there when it happens.

That's all you can do. You clearly love your family and they clearly love you. Just accept them for who they are at this time, they're doing the best they can in the grips of addiction and destructive lifestyles.

You may want to stand off to the side for now, but be there for them. They'll wake up eventually... after all, that family created you, so there must be a lot of good in them.

You may want to check into a local chapter of AA for families of addicts and alcoholics. It's a great support group for people going through what you're dealing with.

Good luck, big hugs, it's hell, isn't it? ((((((hugs))))))

[GirlinContempt]

56. Thanks, I'm gonna call

the AFM I think. (Addictions Foundation of Manitoba). See who I can talk to there.

[CanuckAmok]

48. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....

"You simply cannot trust Mennonites".

[GirlinContempt]

61. Good thing I don't know any

*whew*

[CanuckAmok]

65. You're kidding, right?

Winnepeg is Ground Zero for Canadian Mennonites. There are more Mennonites (and, for the record, Jews) in Winnepeg than in the entire rest of the country.

Next you're gonna try telling me you don't know any ballet dancers or symphonic musicians.

[GirlinContempt]

67. Ok ok Maybe I know a FEW

[sbj405]

49. My first thought . . .

I hope your sister is on birth control. Crack heads and meth addicts shouldn't procreate. Stop the cycle of dysfunction.

Sorry, I can't offer any real advice. I agree with you about calling the police. You may also want to find out what the laws are in your state. Some places can confiscate cars/houses if they are involved with any type of drug crime. This fact may wake your parents up. Though it sounds like they are all in denial.

[GirlinContempt]

57. They're in total denial.

She isn't a meth addict anymore, and I don't *think* he does crack, but I'm not sure. One way or another, no babies should be had though.

[Callalily]

50. My heart is

breaking for you GirlinContempt, and your family too. I can not offer any advice that hasn't been given here already. But I can give you many and am sending healing vibes your way.

[GirlinContempt]

58. Thanks

:hug: I appreciate it

[lizziegrace]

52. There just aren't words

In time, you'll figure out what you must do for *you*. In the meantime, I offer :hug: and strength.

[GirlinContempt]

59. Thank you

:)

[Magrittes Pipe]

54. Just hang out and smoke some crack with him.

New perspectives, and all.

[GirlinContempt]

60. I'll get right on that

:P

[Midlodemocrat]

62. It is very normal for you to worry about your family

But, at this point, you probably can't change anything and more than likely, the more you try, the more guilty and angry you will feel.

Family dysfunction affects all members of the family; not just the 'dysfunctional' ones. The ones on the outside looking in are just as disturbed by what it going on.

My advice, FWIW, is to remain in contact and be supportive, but don't attempt to change anything. You aren't going to and you run the risk of making yourself nuts.

Best to you in this. :hug:

[Tenseiga]

64. you need a new sister

[u4ic]

66. Holy shit

If people refuse to see the truth, they refuse. There's nothing you can do about it.

Not that my family situation is that bad, but my father's grandson (we're related, I just don't like admitting it, and I certainly have names for him, nephew ain't one of them; he's in his early 20's, btw)screwed my father of $50,000+ (we'll never know the exact amount). He still refuses to see it, and has in fact estranged a lot of family members (yes, his own kids) over it. There is plenty of proof (including the little creep's fraud against another family member) and he refused to see that, as well. He's almost obsessed with protecting him.

My experience - when they're in denial, they're in denial. Luckily, my siblings and I all had each other for support. You, on the other hand...

I have no idea what advice to give you. Personally, I would just give it up. The dysfunction there is much bigger than you, but you're a hell of a woman for sticking it out and caring. :hug: