So what's a wife to do? Husband has his motorcycle now & I'm scared.

[politicat]

Note: I know I'm being paranoid. This does not need to be pointed out to me.

My husband of nearly five years finished his cycling class a couple of weeks ago and we found him a great starter bike today - an 81 Kawasaki with 26000 on the clock, new shocks and a just rebuilt 550 engine. It was right in line on our budget, so I gave permission to spend the dough and got the insurance on it and bought his helmet and better gloves (he's got boots and leathers already).

But I am scared to death. I know he's cautious, safe and will work very hard to be a great driver, but we live in one of the most crazy traffic cities in the states - no one in the metro (Denver) area drives like anyone else because only 20% of drivers actually come from Colorado. Most are transplants, so we have LA freeway navigators and New York traffic sitters and midwestern 'bagos and bimbo boxes and burb beaters and the cell phoners are just utterly out of hand. It's not that I don't trust my husband's abilities (I do); I don't trust the abilities of the other drivers.

So I'm really trying to be supportive and positive, but I lost my father to a motorcycle accident, and I've seen the results of too many others. (And none of this affects the fact that I dearly want a scooter for myself.... so paranoid AND a hypocrite. But when I'm on the bike, I'm in control....)

How do I cope, folks? How do I not worry myself into an aneurysm?

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

1. It wouldn't hurt to go over each of those points with HIM.

That's the best place to start.

[politicat]

2. Did that, and I realize I'm being irrational. We have talked this out.

More than once, in fact. I guess I just need to vent -- this is something he's wanted to do for longer than he's known me, and he has found that he loves it already. I won't deprive him of it anymore than he would deprive me of my true loves, even though he really doesn't find art flicks, live theater or bicycling all that interesting.

But realizing I'm being irrational is not exactly the best way to stop myself from being irrational. I know I'm going to be difficult about him wearing protective gear (I nixed one helmet because I want SNELL certs as well as DOT cert) and about the length of trips he takes. I'm obviously not pillioning for at least 6 months and probably a year.

[MissHoneychurch]

3. Could you take a ride with him in charge?

that way you could see yourself how safely he rides his bike.

[Robb]

10. 2-up riding is a lot different than riding by yourself

...I still don't offer rides. It's too spooky when weight shifts and it's not mine. :)

OP: In a sense, you're not being irrational because m/c riding is inherently dangerous. BUT statistics are quite good for riders who have completed the safety course. I could dig it up again, but the basics are:
- Fatalities over miles for all m/c riders is about three times that for regular cars;
- Fatalities over miles for m/c riders with a safety course in their hip pocket is actually less than regular cars.
I started riding at 32, and fell in love with it. It's my favorite thing to do (just about :evilgrin: ). Of course, I stay off paved roads as much as humanly possible, which is easier out here on the Western Slope. :hi:

[politicat]

21. Not yet - he doesn't feel comfortable with a passenger yet.

Eventually, of course.

[rucky]

4. Awww. You just care about him, that's all.

I'm sure there will be no anyeurisms or head injuries, but if thinking about that keeps everybody nice and careful, then a little worrying is healthy. The heart-attack stage will pass in a couple months.

Motorcycles are fun! And the gas mileage is great.

[Callalily]

5. Knowing you're being

irrational is a good start, but we cannot control our feelings. As hard as it is, and I'm sure you already know this, you'll just have to trust your husband. Try to put your worries up on a shelf. When you have to, take them down, dust them off, indulge for a few minutes, and put them away again.

[Nickster]

6. You're the wife...don't you just smack him in the back of the head and say

NO! That's what my wife does to me at least. LoL Anyways.....you have to trust that he doesn't want to get hurt and make you upset. Knowing how us boys work, it's probably a fad that will pass and you won't have to worry about him for long, except to wonder what the next new "toy" will be.

[cobalt1999]

8. LOL. That's my wifes approach too. n/t

[politicat]

22. This one's not a fad with him....

And he's doing it for environmental reasons, as well. (Heck, I'll be taking my scooter cert once the weather cools down for the same reasons.)

I have a feeling that cycles are here to stay in our lives.

And we try not to do the No! thing around here. We both got that from the first spouses, and I didn't like being the object, so I won't be the actor. We can, and do, set limits (like, leathers, helmet and boots) but there is very little that is not open to discussion and negotiation in our marriage.

[outofbounds]

7. sounds to me like

ol' hubby is being pretty damned inconsiderate of you. you lost your father to a motorcycle accident? Hmmmm. I love motorcycles and have been riding since 1973, I was 9yr old when I started. I hope your hubby doesn't drink, the 2 don't mix.

Oh one other thing that bikes have a tendency to encourage. I tried to edit it. If its inappropriate I will remove it. Edit= Bike week 2006 :evilgrin:

[politicat]

24. I don't mind that part... (the pic)

I'm bi, and our reasoning is look but don't touch. I don't mind the view at all...

I never knew my father. He died before I was born, when my mother was 5 months pregnant with me. The man who raised me (and adopted me) is still alive, and while not my favorite person, he's getting better as time goes on. So it's an intellectual thing with my father - the emotional investment is at a remove.

24 hours from bottle to throttle. He made the rule, and he doesn't break them. I trust him to be careful when it comes to booze. He's always been, and I can't see that he would change now.

[mzteris]

9. what I always say when hubby wants to

do something "crazy" (he wants to buy an ultralight)

Well, OK - but first we have to take out more LIFE INSURANCE on you.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

11. One of my students had a boyfriend who was in the Gulf War

and of course, she worried about him so much that it was affecting every phase of her life.

One of the campus counselors told her to set aside fifteen minutes a day to devote exclusively to sitting and worrying.

She said it worked, because after fifteen minutes, she got tired of just worrying and wanted to do something else. After a few days, her concern lost its obsessive quality.

[politicat]

25. Good plan!

I've had to do that a lot - military kid, military sibling, military wife. I never thought to apply deployment management to this. Thanks!!

[matcom]

12. as a new scooter rider myself, don't worry about him

worry about everyone else on the road.

[zonkers]

13. I think you gotta be nuts to ride a bike regularly these days.

[riderinthestorm]

14. Gas prices.

We've owned a scooter for years that was just a run-about on the farm. We finally got it roadworthy, licensed and tagged. Now we drive it daily. It gets incredible gas mileage and unless you are driving the highways every single day, a decent scooter should do the speeds that anyone is driving around town.

[pitohui]

27. not worth your life or your limbs to save on gas

my husband used to commute by scooter, thank god he survived that...barely

[riderinthestorm]

33. We compete at the highest level in the sport that disabled Chris Reeve

Combined training. We run a farm than trains the horses and riders in this sport, plus we breed, train and ride our own horses.

Speeds of more than 35 mph over solid obstacles on 1200 lbs of eager horse.

It's a relative risk as is anything. As for the scooter,we've taken the motorcycle training course, we wear helmets and safety gear. We're pretty careful people and (knock on wood) in all of our eminently unsafe life-activities, we've never had any serious "crash-and-burns".

I really believe motorcycles are going to become a huge part of our daily lives in the future. There are going to be a lot of bikes on the road, it behooves all of us to start paying attention, and pay attention to those of us who are on the road in something less than a tank.

I am so sorry about your husband. But all of life is a risk, really. I believe that when it's our time to go, it will be our time to go, scooter or horses regardless.

[elehhhhna]

15. First, cut yourself a break...

for gods sake your Father lost his life on a bike? And you have anxiety about your husbands new hobby? Of course you do.

Will he be driving this bike to work, of just for fun? If for fun, you're okay--he won't want to be in heavy traffic, which should allay your fears about other drivers somewhat.

I HATED hubby's mototcycle. (My bro damned near lost an arm in a bike accident) But he drove it for fun on country roads and thus I didn't worry too much.

He's since sold it but now he's interested in flying gliders. OY.

[politicat]

26. He will eventually use one for commuting.

He's still at training wheels stage in my mind, so he's not allowed to go much further than town limits and he works two towns over. He set these rules, not me.

As I said upthread, my father died before I was born, so the loss is at an emotional remove for me (I had an adopted father from the time I was about a year old, and he's my father) and I know that my husband doesn't have the strikes against him that my bio-father had (post Vietnam PTSD, some other issues). But there is the intellectual knowledge that bad shit happens.

I count myself lucky. DH has NO interest in flying things. He's very much of the opinion that had people evolved to fly/build tall buildings/parachute/etc, we would have wings, sails or be made of rubber. He likes the ground, thanks. (And yes, I'm thankful for that!)

[elehhhhna]

37. Sounds like a little time to get accustomed and you'll be okay.

You'll save zillions on gas and if he's religious about his helmet, he'll be fine.

Best of luck to you both!

[jobycom]

16. I don't know, I've got mixed feelings about your hubbie here.

On the one hand, he's doing everything to be as safe as he can, and that greatly decreases his risk of accident. He seems to understand your fears, and that will hopefully make him more cautious. I rode for years without accidents because I was careful, even paranoid, every time I got on the bike. Most motorcycle accidents I've heard of were caused by really stupid riders--going to fast, showing off, not paying enough attention to the traffic around them. If he is not that type of rider, he has much less chance of injury. When I rode I expected every car at an intersection to pull in front of me, and every car beside me to switch lanes on top of me. So I was always preparing for that to happen. When it did, and it did, often, I was already preparing for evasive manuevers, so I could handle it. Not everyone rides like that. If your hubbie does, he's probably as safe on a bike as in a car.

But I'm still taken aback that he would ride, given your loss involving motorcycles. That seems very callous to me, for him to even suggest the idea.

[politicat]

31. My father died before I was born, so it's more intellectual than emotional

Inconsiderate? Not really. I never knew the man, and DH is learning from my father's poor example - he will wear a helmet, he will not ride when it's snowing, and he will not ride anywhere that salts the roads. (My father's bike skidded on a patch of ice on a country road that had been salted but not sanded, and took a header into the ditch.) He also won't ride on dark, unlit roads.

It's not him I worry about so much as the other nitwits for whom cell-phoning is a brainstem activity.

[Benfea]

17. It might actually help if you get that scooter and use it.

Alternately, you can ride on the back with your husband and share the experience with him. Neither "solution" would diminish your anxiety, but would give you other things to think about besides your anxiety.

[politicat]

32. October.

It's too hot for me to be taking the classes now - I'd be in heat prostration before you could say sunscreen.

[pitohui]

18. you're not being paranoid, you're being real based on your experience

have to admit i think it's pretty shitty that your husband, knowing you lost your dad on a motorcycle, would pick this expensive hobby above all others

why do we do this to ourselves, why do we feel we have to be "supportive" of truly stupid and shitty and self-destructive behaviors, there's a word for it -- co-dependency

why is your experience -- the death of your FATHER -- to be considered of little value next to your husband's fantasy image of himself as a biker?

insist that he carry sufficient life and disability insurance to take care of you and your family in the event of his death or disability

i have to admit i would start to feel some distance from a man who did this, it's his life to risk but i also have the choice to look around for back-up since i would no longer trust him completely as someone to be relied on

[Sanity Claws]

19. The murdercycle

That's how my friend started referring to the thing after her hubby got one. He stopped riding after he had an accident, going around a rain-slicked corner in their suburban area.

[undeterred]

20. There are no helmet laws in Wisconsin

and I fear for all the bikers who won't voluntarily wear one. There are accidents all the time and many of them are not the bikers fault. Automobile drivers aren't very good at looking out for motorcycles.

[politicat]

30. No helmet law, here, either.

He will wear one, though, and not because I insist. He insists. We've made fun of organ donors (no helmet) and brain donors (helmet, but shorts, tee shirts and sneakers) for too long for him to do otherwise.

[Susang]

23. At least he took the motorcycle safety course

The vast majority of accidents happen to self-taught riders. Those classes really do save lives.

[politicat]

29. They're practically required in Colorado.

We had long discussions about this. I won't agree to a modular helmet for at least a year (because I don't want him wearing something that will protect his brain but erase his face), I insist on leathers or a padded jacket and Doc Martens, and he's at least as paranoid as I am about drivers. (Since I drive an invisible, tiny car with a psychic target on it, we're both really psycho about idiots in big rolling hunks of tin.)

The class has been worth every penny.

[lildreamer316]

28. THOSE who complete the class have a 90 percent LESS crash rate!!!

They tell you this in the class--I took it. The class is invaluable. It saves many many many lives.
This comes from me; I lost my finace of 8 years to a motorcycle accident. If I can let my now-hubby ride; you can learn to relax.
Life is not worth living if you can't feel the wind in your hair now and then.
He'll be fine.
Feel free to ask me anything......

[jberryhill]

34. Got the insurance on "it"?

Umm... what sort of coverage do you have on "him"?

Rich widows are always in demand.

[politicat]

35. Heh, heh.... you offering?

Great insurance, as it happens, on both him and the bike. Should I lose him, I won't be hurting for money, but that's not what worries me. Death is but the next great adventure, while seriously fucking up his body is a long time of pain and suffering for both of us. And his life insurance won't pay out if he suicides because he's in pain and damaged.

We've been through this one, too... We have a tight group of friends and I'd have a comfortable circle in which to grieve, but dammit, life on disability would drive him bonkers. (Not nearly enough computer role playing games out there to keep him happy.)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

36. There's a lot of good advice that is specific to bike riders.........

I don't have anything to add to that.....

But one thing I will say....

Remember that there are some things you have control over,and some things that you don't......

You must teach yourself to let go of the things that you have no control over....

Otherwise, you will make yourself crazy.......

It is just spinning your wheels to try and influence things that are out of your hands....

[AirmensMom]

38. He's taken the safety course, so that's a good start.

Get him Daivd L. Hough's Proficient Motocycling books. They contain a wealth of information on how to avoid the other drivers. Then buy him a seat in the Advanced Rider Course once he gets enough miles behind him.

I know how you feel. I worry about harleydad every time he goes out. (Funny, but I worry less if I'm with him. :shrug:) Still, I feel better knowing that he takes motorcycle safety so seriously. One good thing is that he has become a better driver since he started riding.

Be glad he wears the helmet and other things. I've seen a lot of bare-headed riders in t-shirts, shorts, and sandals. Now THAT'S scary! :scared:

:hug: