Opinions Needed: Age Differences In Relationships

[StrongBad]

I met a girl recently who is somewhat younger than me. I'm 24 and she's 19, about to be 20 in 3 months. I don't have problems attracting women usually but I do consider it rare to find someone I feel comfortable around and share passionate interests with. In this case, we're both musicians with similar goals in life, etc.

Anyway, I've been finding myself becoming more and more attracted to her and she's made it known she's attracted to me. I don't really want to pursue anything further if an age gap like this would doom a relationship from the start. From the brief time I've known her, it seems like she is on the same maturity level as me and seems older for her age. Still, I'm wary.

I'd like to hear personal opinions and experiences on this issue. I know it's probably controversial and subjective, but discussing such things is always good.

[liontamer]

1. It will probably end badly

but then again, a lot of relationships end badly. Your age difference isn't so huge. You'll seem a bit sleazy but if you like her so much, you might as well go for it.

[LeftyMom]

2. I don't think that's a huge problem

Though in the interest of full disclosure, my own bias is that I prefer gents roughly ten years my senior.

[StrongBad]

4. Ten years, really?

Did you always feel that way or did you realize it after dating someone older one day?

[LeftyMom]

11. I've only dated three people near my own age

I found two of them to be hopelessly immature, the other was more like a freind than a boyfriend. I've prefered older fellas as long as I've been noticing gents.

It's a bit odd I suppose, but the idea of dating a guy my own age sounds almost perverse to me. Just as well, I don't generally have a lot of interests in common with guys my age.

[RagingInMiami]

57. I like girls like you

My past two (live-in) girlfriends were ten years younger than me. I usually like younger women because women my age (I'm 37 now) are either jaded and hate all men, want to get married in a month or are just plain boring.

The truth is, I tend to be a lot more youthful in attitude than men my age and women tend to be more mature than men their age, so we connect by meeting in the middle.

But this past week, I met somebody seven years older than me with whom I really hit it off. She looks much younger than her age and is very youthful in her dress and attitude. And she has no problem that I'm younger, but she keeps asking if I have an issue with her age.

And I tell her no, because in her case, I don't.

[blondeatlast]

3. You're both of age. Mr. BAL is my JUNIOR by 12 years.

We've known each other 14 years and have been married for 10 of those years.

FWIW, he initiated the relationship, too, although most people think otherwise (he was 19 at the time, too).

IF you're happy and she's happy, that's all that should matter.

[blondeatlast]

5. FWIW, I'm worried that YOU are worried about it.

5 years is really nothing, if you ask me, but if you're troubled by it, the relationship is already off to a bad start, IMHO.

[StrongBad]

7. Good Point

Here's the thing, I really don't know this person that well (only hung out a few times). So, any guess I can make to our compatibility is based on mainly first impressions.

I know 5 years is nothing in the context of say 28 to 23, or 35 to 30, but just turning 20 might be a different story...i don't know.

It could very well be me rationalizing away potential intimacy with someone...

[blondeatlast]

8. See my edited post above, MR. BAL initiated ours when he was 19. nt

[RagingInMiami]

59. Dude, you're tripping

Five years is nothing unless you're 18 and she is 13. Or 19 and 14. You get the picture.

Take her out and don't be surprised if she teaches you a thing or two.

[StrongBad]

74. LOL. Thanks for calling me out

In retrospect, I don't know why I'm making such a big deal out of this. It has been over a year since I really was close with a woman and I guess I'm slowly getting back into it and maybe am wondering if I even should try.

But many people have echoed the right mentality. You can't plan everything and can only live for the present. Regret is a bitch and I would much rather have taken a chance than say "what if" down the road.

[Mutley]

6. That doesn't seem to be a big age difference.

My ex is ten years older than me, and we started dating when I was 18.

Edit: I should add that the age difference is not why we broke up.

[StrongBad]

9. Really?

Well that's pretty reassuring. Did you have any reservations at the beginning?

[Mutley]

13. Not at all.

He didn't either, not that he ever mentioned, at least.

My parents did, though.

[flvegan]

10. It's 4 years. That's not really a "gap"

Now if you were 20 and she was 16, that'd be different. I could go on about women maturing faster than men, how when you're 50 will it still be a "gap" and blah, blah, blah.

I've dated 10 years my senior, and 10 years my junior. Age was never the/an issue. Okay, that makes me sound like I get around too much. ANYway, age is just a number that only matters for laws and insurance. Who cares? Enjoy your newfound spark.

[Fountain79]

12. The problem with this age difference...

Is that there is going to be some rockyness because legally she can't do the same social activities you can do. I don't know if you are in to the bar scene at all but that can become a frustration. I dated a girl 6 months older than me and I'll always remember the frustration of being invited to a bar with another couple and not being able to go because I hadn't turn 21 yet.

[StrongBad]

15. I've considered this

When I first turned 21 I was in a relationship with a 19 year old and it didn't matter. I'm not much of a drinker so don't think this will be a big deal.

Good thing to consider though...

[Baselinereality]

14. If You Have Chemistry, Follow Your Heart...

You're much too young to realize this now, but someday you will laugh your ass off that you ever thought a four to five year difference in age was an "age difference" at all. Just because you didn't go to high school at the same time together doesn't mean that there is an age difference. You're both still in that covetted 18-24 age demographic. In the eyes of a marketer, you're perfect together.

Ah, but your question takes me back...

I'll never forget when I was four and I fell in love with a fetus. Sigh. People said she was too young but I said, "Wait! You don't even know her."

Only Rick Santorum and Sam Brownback can understand.

Young love...(sigh)

[StrongBad]

16. Ok you win best post of the thread so far

lol

[blondeatlast]

19. Welcome to DU!

Great response!

:rofl:

:toast:

[Baselinereality]

24. Well Thank You Both Very Much...

It's great to be here. I'm still trying to figure my way around.

[Xipe Totec]

17. You're kidding, right?

Five years age difference between male and female, male being older, is the customary age difference for traditional marriages.

Deviate from it and you're in trouble, one way or the other.

What is your problem?

:shrug:

[StrongBad]

18. Age difference at this point in our lives

I'm well aware this isn't really a gap, but since she's in the midst of college and I've been out for almost 2 years, we may be in different mindsets.

I know I've matured very very much in just the past 4 years

[Xipe Totec]

20. If you've matured,

and she's only five years younger than you, you have a good chance of catching up to her.

Don't kid yourself, women mature at a younger age than men; we are at their mercy.

If she loves you, and wants you, consider yourself fortunate and blessed.

[Xithras]

21. It's not so much age as "life stage".

If you're 24 and she's 19, and you both spend your days having fun and flipping burgers at the local shack for a paycheck, then it will probably work great. If, on the other hand, you've graduated college and are looking to calm your life and start a career, and she's just now starting to get into the whole college party scene, your differing goals pretty much gurantee a bad end. If you like to hit clubs, you're also going to run into issues with her being underage.

Try it out, but don't expect anything. Above all else, understand this: The odds that she will become "the one" are extremely slim at that age. At 24 you should already have a good idea what you want to do with your life, your education should be about complete, and you know what kind of person you want to be. At 19, she's still only a couple of years out of mom and dads house, and she is very likely still trying to figure out who and what she really wants to be (without getting long, she may say she knows what she wants, but many of us change our minds and don't really set our course until the early 20's). One of my ex's from college was a sex craved party girl her freshman year who wanted to be a biologist, but graduated years later with a degree in child psychology...and a fundie streak that crazy-glued her legs together. Last I heard, she works for a Christian adoption agency placing kids from third world countries in Christian American homes. It seemed like a great relationship when I was 21 and she was 18, but she changed over a relatively short period...most of us do the same thing.

[mark414]

22. man, go for it

and even if it doesn't work out, would you rather be kicking yourself in the head saying "man i wish that would've worked out" or kicking yourself in the head saying "man i wish i would've given that a shot."

i'm speaking as a 21yo male who had a relationship with a woman 6 years my senior and as long as the two of you can see eye to eye, and as you say she is more mature and learned than her age grants her, there should be no problem at all...

you only live life once dude, take every chance you can get.

[RagingInMiami]

58. That's a good answer

It's not like the decision is whether or not to marry her. Just date her and enjoy life. If you get along with her, who gives a shit about what people think.

[New Earth]

23. nothing wrong with that at all

that's only 5 years!!!! it's nothing! :)

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

25. It's probably not a problem.

I've dated people much older than me and age wasn't an issue. 20 and 24 isn't a big deal really. I wouldn't worry about it. If you're both attracted to each other then you should give it a go.

[smoogatz]

26. My wife is 10 years younger than me.

Yet somehow in our relationship she's usually the mature one. As evidenceof that, here's what my first thought was when I read your post: Dude, go for it! It may be your last chance ever to boink a 19-year-old!

[pitohui]

27. 5 years is not an age difference

to even think it is makes you both sound like children, you're not children, are you?

relax and enjoy

when you're older you'll look back on this post and laugh, seriously

an age difference is ten, 20, 40 years -- not 2 young kids practically hatched in the same egg!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

28. When I was 20, I had a relationship with a guy who was 25.

He was a great guy...a med student. He was sure of where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do with his life. I was not, though I was considered mature for my age. When I think back on how much growing I did between the ages of 20 and 25, I realize that I was like an entirely different person.

If you wish to pursue this relationship seriously, you're going to need to give her plenty of room to blossom, and accept that many changes will occur over the next few years. Or maybe you could just face the fact that things could work or not work, and enjoy the moments while you have them.

[StrongBad]

29. I think you sum up the best approach to take

Just looking at myself, I have changed much in the past 4-5 years and only now have solid direction. So if anything were to develop you're correct in saying I'd have to be conscious of that with her.

[Nickster]

30. How funny! When I met my wife. I was 19 almost 20 and she was 24.

I was more freaked about the age difference, but it worked out in the end. We just celebrated our 11 year anniversary last week.

[StrongBad]

32. Funny coincidence!

Thanks for sharing!

[ecstatic]

53. wow. you are lucky that she gave you a chance!

Were you honest about your age when you met her?

[Nickster]

66. Heh heh. Yeah I was honest. I was the one that was freaked about the

age difference. I still remember asking her and almost chickening out about asking her for a date because I thought she would think I was too young for her. We had our first date together on my 20th b-day a few weeks later.

[Schema Thing]

31. Frankly, it's nutty to me that you even mentioned age

I mean yeah, at 19, she's young. But at 24, the age DIFFERENCE is moot. What, are you going to restrict yourself to + or - one year?


My father was 56 when I was born, and my mother 28. Not that I'd recommend that, but it worked out good for me, lol.

At 39, I dated a 23 year old. It was a fine relationship for what it was, but neither of us took it too seriously, probably because of the age difference. We are still friends.

[Madrone]

33. When I was 19 I was dating a 31 year old.

When I was 17-18 I was dating a man 14 years my senior.

What you're talking about seems like the same age to me! Even now, the men that like me are in their mid-late forties and their 50's. I'll be 34 next month. Age difference has NEVER been an issue for me. I have many friends that are from older to much older - but we're all on the same level. It only gets weird when I remind them what year I was born - then they feel OLD. :D

[sendero]

34. I don't see....

.... what the problem could be. The age difference isn't that big, if you like her and she likes you, thats 90% of the battle.

What are you waiting for? You are too young to worry about stuff like that :)

[Rabrrrrrr]

35. Just as same age couples have issues, so do different ages couples.

Truth to tell, age is meaningless unless one or both gets somehow hung up on it. If you see it as a strength, it will be a strength. if you see it as a potentially bad thing, it will be a potentially bad thing.

Your ages are irrelevant - and especially for you two, since 4 years is fucking nothing. Seriously.

[graywarrior]

36. I met Mr. Gray when I was 18 & he was 25

We dated for a few months...tho he says it was not dating. Went our separate ways. although we remained in touch. Ran into one another when I was 27. Been together since....that was 30 years ago. Got hitched in 2001.

[u4ic]

37. I echo that life direction

is more of a concern than age in your case.

My biggest gap was 12 years (he was younger); it didn't work out, but it was due to general incompatibility more than anything else. Personally, I've found +/- 5-7 years about right for me.

Most relationships don't work out. Yet it doesn't stop people from trying. Whether it does or not, you'll learn some valuable lessons along the way. :hi:

[RevCheesehead]

38. Do you want to date her, or marry her?

If it's just dating, then just go and have fun together.

But if you're looking at a possible life-long commitment, I'd say you two don't know each other well enough to even begin to make that decision.

Maybe it's not about age, but intent and expectations.

39. 24 and 19 is not age difference n/t

[ForrestGump]

40. At your/her age, the five years

is more of a gap than it would be between a 35-year-old and a 40-year-old, but I don't think it's a factor in play if you and her seem to be about the same 'age' where it really counts. Give it a whirl, I say, if you are the type who (unlike me, historically) expresses to women the desire to whirl.

A lot of the women I meet nowadays are as young as 24 or 26 to my 42 but -- apart from the fact that in appearance (hair dye has a lot to do with that, though!) and my general personality I'm usually mistaken for a good few years younger -- the years don't matter when other things line up just right (and, no, I'm not talking about naughty bits). I never had any interest in younger women before but I think I'd go now out with a woman of 26 or so if we clicked. itg's not some midlife crisis thing, either. The plain fact is that, to me, it's not her chronological age that matters (at least once she's past her early '20s...age and, more importantly, life experience do come into the equattion to some degree) but everything else. It probably wouldn't be a good match if my girl wanted to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time (excuse me...flashbacks to the horror that was the '80s), but that is not something that's inextricably linked to age. If your prospective young lady is 'older' than might be thought typical of an American 19-year-old in her demographic, and you're not some ancient 24-year-old fuddy-duddy ("Hey! You kids! Get off my lawn!!") I don't see that the meager five years age difference between you will make a real difference, even when she's at an age when important changes in maturation are usually still occurring.

I'd feel a bit nonplussed if I get together with some 20something and she didn't know who the Beatles were, though. Sounds like Sir Paul should have taken that as a warning sign, in his case, actually...

[RevCheesehead]

54. Wadda ya mean,

"..if you are the type who (unlike me, historically) expresses to women the desire to whirl."

Surely, you must mean your off-line persona! :D

Nice to see ya again, Gumpley. I've missed ya.

[SnohoDem]

41. At your ages

four years is nothing. You're both legal, you like each other... what are you waiting for? You got to kiss de girl, mon!

Seriously, if you were 20 and she 16, I would warn against it. But you are fine. I wish you great happiness together.

[johnnie]

42. The woman I am digging on right now is 13 years younger

She and I seem to get along great and I wasn't out to find a "younger woman", it just happened that way. I am going to be 42 and she is going to be 29. The age thing doesn't matter to us because we are just enjoying each other's company right now and we will see where it goes.

I don't think that 24 and 20 is bad at all, it is all about your interests, your chemistry and feeling good being with each other. The worse thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out, then you move on like just about everyone else has in their life. Good luck, and go for it :thumbsup:

[ForrestGump]

45. Cool!

Excellent news, dude... :yourock:





The trouble with people like us is that by the time we're ready to be codgers we'll have already way passed the age at which codgerism is generally accepted to set in...

I say let's be codgers now!

Class of '64!! :headbang:

[Floogeldy]

43. LMAO!

I thought you were going to say something like, "She is 44 and I am 33."

Bwahahahahahaha!

[Generic Brad]

44. We can always find differences or reasons to not pursue a relationship.

It could be race, religion, education level, family background, etc. Yours appears to be age. None of it ultimately matters.

She's an adult. You're an adult. If you fall in love with each other, none of that other stuff matters.

[ghostsofgiants]

46. Is it Cheerleader or So-and-So?

[StrongBad]

50. Neither

It's What's Her Face

:)

[ghostsofgiants]

51. Well, at least I knew it wasn't The Ugly One.

:P

[RFKHumphreyObama]

47. My sister married a man eight years older than she

She was 19 when she met him and he was 27. Seven years on, they have a successful and happy marriage and have learned to accommodate the challenges that the age difference presents.

Your age difference is not that significant IMO but it will bring up issues. Your success as a couple probably depends on how you deal with those issues. My sister and my BIL succeeded in sitting down and talking through their age difference issues and respecting each other's age differences and the challenges it presents. But then again that is probably the cornerstone to any successful relationship, age difference or no -talking things over and being prepared to deal with each other's differences

I haven't really had any significant relationships so perhaps my advice is not the best. But I have witnessed other people's relationships first hand and learned important lessons from them. I would advise you to go for it as long as you and the other person are comfortable doing so

[JVS]

48. Go for it!

[Solon]

49. My Mom and Dad have a similar age difference...

They dated when he was 19, she was 24, and so far have been married for 30 years and counting.

[ecstatic]

52. lol! That's nothing! Plus, women are more mature than men

up until a certain age (generally speaking). So I'm sure it won't be a problem. I've always dated men that are 4 to 5 years older. Now that I'm older I'd probably set the limit to -1 yrs to +6. I'm always suspicious of men 35+ who chase after much younger women.

[tuvor]

55. You ain't got nothin' on Bogie and Bacall.

[deucemagnet]

56. There's actually a formula for that.

I'm pretty sure it's total bullshit, but they say if you take the man's age, divide it by two, then add seven years, that's the lower limit of the age of the the women that man should be dating. Accoriding to the formula, you're just bumping up against the lower limit.

BTW, my last girlfriend was 27 when I was 40 (again, at the lower limit of the formula). It didn't work out, but we had a wonderful relationship for about seven months.

I'd say if it feels right, do it.

[Momgonepostal]

60. My husband and I are 10 years apart

We've never had any age-related problems. :-)

Your 4-5 years seems like very much not a big deal.

[grannylib]

61. That's not much of a difference...and the older you get, the less it

seems.
Age is just a number. The rest of what you mentioned about her is far more important, IMHO...the interests, the attraction...
Don't sweat the age.

[pokerfan]

62. "That's what I love about these high school girls, man."

"I get older, they stay the same age."

Someone had to say it. Seriously, you are both of consenting age.

Besides, you're only as old as the woman you feel.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

63. Were you watching "Dazed & Confused" on E! too?

[pokerfan]

65. I can'watch it on cable

Way too many edits and dubs. I recently bouth the Criterion two disc set.

[HEyHEY]

64. You're so fucked, man

I kid, I kid... it shouldn't be a problem. BUT the only problem I do see coming is that people change alot between 18 and 23... but who cares? If you live like that you're gonna be miserable.
I'm dating a 22 year-old right now and I'm 27. No probs yet... except while she's in the party, party whoop it up stage.. I'm getting into the wine and a game of crib stage.
Either way, not every relationship is a wedding... just have some fun.

[tjwmason]

67. The difference is nothing.

4 years really isn't much at all.

On the otherhand, there are two considerations to be made. First, if she's studying that can be a very absorbing way of life which might have a tendancy to exclude you. Secondly, people change dramatically in those few years after the age of 18, thus it is very possible that she will change in a manner not very conducive to your relationship.

All of that boils down to one point: it might not work out. If that's a basis for refusing a relationship, then nobody would ever get involved with anybody else.

I say go for it, but keep you eyes open.

[LaurenG]

68. I hope you explore every avenue

with this. Age differences can be troublesome but in my experience they've not been a problem. I've been married to a younger man for nearly 13 years.

[ET Awful]

69. That's not that big of an age difference.

I'm 37 and my current girlfriend is 29, the age isn't a problem at all.

Unless you plan on spending half your life in bars, her being younger than you (i.e. under 21) shouldn't be an issue.

If you were 30 and going for a 19 year old, I might question it, but if she were 30 and you were 41, the difference wouldnt seem as significant, would it?

I say don't worry about it, go for it and see what happens.

[Deep13]

70. only one way to find out. nm

[Samurai_Writer]

71. 4 years difference is nothing!

My parents were 11 years apart... my grandparents were *22* years apart! My parents had one of the most loving marriages I've ever known. Unfortunately, I did not know my grandparents, as they died before I was born. But they were married for 20+ years before they both died.

I think if you find someone who you love, age shouldn't be an issue, ever.

[GirlinContempt]

72. I'm tapping in

20 years older. So relax.

[NewWaveChick1981]

73. My own experience

When I was 17, I met a guy who was 21 and we fell madly in love. I was mature for my age, and we had a lot in common, and it felt as though we were made for each other. I dated him for four and a half years, and about halfway through the relationship, he was tired of me. He started looking elsewhere, and I didn't have the foresight to break up with him when that started. It ended badly, but if I'd ended it sooner, it would not have been as rough.

I'm not saying it's wrong for you to date a 19-year-old. You're both legal adults and entitled to pursue your relationship. However, the intensity of emotions at that young age can result in very painful breakups later on down the road.

If you both want to pursue a relationship, go for it. Just keep it in perspective and remember that she is still just 19, and you've got a couple of years on her. That may not make a lot of difference, but it can. :)

In reality, four years' age difference is nothing. When you're in your teens and early 20s, though, it can make a big difference. :hug:

[StrongBad]

78. Your story was very insightful

Thanks for sharing.

[NewWaveChick1981]

80. You're welcome!

:hug: I hope that helps some.

[Fox Mulder]

75. My brother is 24 and his girlfriend is 17.

He doesn't mind. She doesn't mind. Hell, her parents don't mind that they're dating.

Besides...since when is a four year difference such a big deal? There's a nine year age gap between my mom and dad.

Hell, I had an ex girlfriend who was 3 years older than I was...and it wasn't a big deal.

Go out with her. You'll be glad you did.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

76. Not a huge deal.

I was dating men pushing 30 at that age. I don't regret any of the dating experiences, but I do regret marrying one of them. Keep things light, don't push her to be ready for something she shouldn't be ready for, and all will be well.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

77. Five years is NOTHING once you're out of your teens

If you were 14 and she was 9, that might raise eyebrows, or even if she was 14 and you were 19.

I've had good relationships with men who were up to ten years younger than I (never ten years older, though).

Age differences become a problem only if one party is under eighteen or if the age difference is so large that one party is going to be a senior citizen WAY before the other. (I suspect that those fiftysomething men who won't look at a woman over 35 are unconsciously looking for a nurse maid for their old age.)

[Burma Jones]

79. My Wife is 11 years younger than me

Her parents are older than mine though and I'm a year older than her older sister, so we were raised with the same sort of cultural references and parental styles. It really hasn't meant much except that I was further along in my career and more seasoned once we started having children (I was 38).

I think that age 25 seems to be a decent age of maturity and that being 19 is a bigger deal than her being four years or so your junior. Of course, you're not 25 yet either........

[MissMillie]

81. I don't think it's a very big gap, and I also think that

if your goals in life are similar, the gap will automatically be erased.

Nothing says "compatibility" like two people who are on the same road.

[Orangepeel]

82. 4 1/2 years ain't nothing

:shrug:

Some 20 year olds are basically children, but others are growups. (the same goes for some 24 year olds).

[patcox2]

83. No problemo.

It shouldn't even be a thought.

[RedCloud]

84. When you're 1,000,024 she'll only be 1,000,019

I see your point.

No i don't! Love is blind and thank God for that!

But there are probably 21 and older things she can't do...

[Shell Beau]

85. That age difference doesn't sound like it should

be an ordeal really! It isn't a huge difference and a lot of people are 4, 5, or 6 years older or younger than their SO.