Anybody here ever had an SO or potential SO investigated?

[raccoon]

If you did, what was your experience with this? Did your investigation (whether you did it yourself or hired a PI) allay your fears? Or did you find out something that was a deal-breaker, or at least called for a long talk?

For the record, I never have done this, and I'm not seeing anybody right now so there's no need to. But I've thought about it, and might do it depending on the circumstances.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

1. I wouldn't ever do such a thing

But I have known several women who routinely perform criminal background checks, credit checks and the like for the men that they date.

[LeftyMom]

2. If I distrusted somebody enough to consider it, I'd not date them. nt

[Ghost in the Machine]

14. ditto.......... n/t

[jobycom]

15. What if you were already married to them, then discovered something

to make you distrust them? You weren't sure. If you told them your suspicions and you were wrong, you would hurt them. But the evidence was clear enough that you couldn't get it out of your mind without either confronting them or investigating them? What if the suspicion was something criminal? Say, you find a picture of someone that could have been them from three years ago wanted for a violent crime somewhere you know they might have lived? Would you live in doubt until it destroyed your faith in the person, would you confront them and hurt their feelings, would you turn them over to the cops, or would you make a couple of phone calls and follow them around for a day or two to be find out? Or just dump them because your own fears had made you not trust them?

[BluePatriot]

37. Double ditto. (nt)

[Midlodemocrat]

3. If I felt the need to do that, I wouldn't date the person.

My 'gut' instincts are pretty spot on, and the guy I have been married to for 17 years is a perfect example of wonderful instincts. He's beyond a prince he's so amazing.

[Crabby Appleton]

4. I wouldn't do it

I trust my gut instinct, if I didn't trust them enough to consider something like investigation, I'm not going to get involved. I am by nature a cautious person and have a pretty good BS detector.

[Shell Beau]

5. That just seems icky! I am not saying people should

or shouldn't do it, but if your reservations are that strong, then maybe some reconsidering would be best. :shrug:

[idgiehkt]

6. hell, why not?

especially if it's someone you meet online. I watch court tv at night and last night I watched one about a woman that had her husband, who was a cop, killed, so she could run off with her insurance agent. Her mom was involved in the plot too. After the funeral the three of them went to a hotel room, opened some champagne and had a party. The insurance was worth a million dollars.

They say something like 1 out of every 20 people are sociopaths. They don't register emotional responses you can read because they don't really have emotions like other people. But they are very good at pretending to and being deceptive. So why not just do it if you feel like it.

When I was alot younger I would have said it was an invasion of privacy and that I trusted my instincts, but the older I get the less I trust my instincts. My 'picker' is broken, as they say, so any extra bit of info helps.

[swag]

7. I'll get right on that.

Good idea.

[RUZIK1]

8. Can't be SO

If you are thinking of that, do everyone a favor and go your separate ways. No one can ever be an SO to you if you need a PI!

[KurtNYC]

9. There is a website that

will give you all kinds of info on people free and more if you pay.

I don't see the harm in finding out if someone you (or your daughter) are dating is:
- married
- dodging child support
- convicted of domestic abuse, etc

http://www.privateeye.com/Search/People/name.htm

[Xithras]

10. A friend did.

She started dating a nice guy who freely admitted to being imprisoned for 8 years. She liked him, he liked her, and he got along great with her kids. His story, however, was that he'd been paid a bit of money to run some drugs, and being a poor college student he'd stupidly agreed. She wanted to verify the story, so she hired an investigator.

Turned out that he'd been sent to prison for 8 years because he beat his college girlfriend unconcious with a baseball bat. The only drugs involved were the ones he was on at the time. Needless to say, that relationship ended quickly.

[johnnie]

11. I did it for a friend of mine

She met this guy and I thought he seemed a bit like an asshole. I looked for her and found 5 different arrests for battery, domestic violence and date violence. There were also other arrests for various offenses. The battery charges were from three different women.

I see nothing wrong in checking people out before you get too involved. What you find out could save your life.

[RUZIK1]

12. Sorry, but if you know that many people who are such

whacky judges of character, maybe you need to turn Bush onto your Security problems. It sounds like the 9/11's have got to your facilities!

[johnnie]

13. Huh?

:shrug:

[Shell Beau]

16. Exactly!!!

:rofl:

That isn't even the half of it either. Go to the "men are just happier" thread.

[johnnie]

18. I saw it

:crazy:

[Shell Beau]

19. Somebody has some, for lack of a better word, balls!!!

:o

[jobycom]

17. Yeah, they should abandon all friends who ever fall in love and can't

see clearly, cause that's what friendship is about--requiring your friends to be perfect.

[xmas74]

20. Not while we were together but after we broke up.

I needed the info to hand over to child support enforcement, since they had shelved the case.

I was mostly looking for a new address and a place of work. When I had my daughter he moved and quit his job.

[anarch]

21. yeah, we've had both the FBI and the ATF knock on the door

Oooh, that's not what you meant at all...nevermind.

[pitohui]

22. if you have any financial resources you must do this

too many older women in my family have been preyed upon by con artists

a fortysomething or older man can't sell himself on his looks if he doesn't want to work, so he has to work a con and be charming

if you are young and have no financial resources there is no need for such a check unless you are considering marriage but once you're squarely middle-aged or older there are just too many male gold diggers out there

i guess there are female gold diggers out there also but i have no real personal knowledge of that

people who rely on "gut instinct" to protect them will sooner or later pay off a con artist, i am not that in love with myself that i can't see the reality which is that if a professional wants to target me then his tools of trade are making me feel good about myself and about him -- i've seen it happen to too many highly successful women to put any trust in "gut instinct" -- "gut instinct" screens out the total trash, it does not screen out the skilled con artist -- when it's your amateur "instincts" against a professional's skill then skill wins every time -- and if you think otherwise i'd love to gamble with you sometime

[Midlodemocrat]

24. Totally disagree.

If you are getting vibes that you need to check this person out, you need to run away. Your subconscious is the most reliable indicator you will ever have that something is 'off'.

And, frankly, a lot of stuff that would make a man or woman not mate worthy isn't illegal and wouldn't show up with a PO.

[pitohui]

25. you may disagree away, most people don't get vibes

i see you don't have much experience in this, i thought my post was pretty clear, but i'll try it again

the SKILLED professional con artist is not going to give you any "vibes" that anything is wrong, he is going to give you "vibes" that he is the best thing that ever happened to you

that is why you investigate and fully know ANYONE before getting involved in a financial transaction including marriage with them

i socialize occasionally with one gigolo who is like 60, unattractive, and on top of it (unknown to the lady who funds his lifestyle) gay and has a regular gay partner, all this dude has going for him is his charm

there is no "vibe" saying this dude is suspicious, clearly she is w.out a clue because he doesn't look the part of a con artist

but he has a pretty nice house on the beach out of all this

it wouldn't take much "digging" to find out the truth about this guy, but she hasn't a clue and apparently doesn't want a clue so i'll mind my own business, thank you very much

and that's just one example

in another case, the gigolo was actually married to another woman!

you can use "vibes" to screen out the trash

you can't use "vibes" to screen out the highly skilled highly CHARMING professional

i pity people who believe that they are infallible because sooner or later they become marks, if not in their love life then in other financial transactions

thank god i don't believe i'm infallible, it costs too much money! but of course those of you are perfect, go ahead and trust your gut instincts which are never ever wrong

:eyes:

[Midlodemocrat]

28. Yup. You're right, a PhD in clinical psychology and I don't have

any experience in this.

:eyes:

[Shell Beau]

29. Dr. Midlodemocrat? Impressive!

I was always intersted in that field. Lots to learn and think about.

[Midlodemocrat]

31. Yup. 20 years ago next month.

Fascinating field. And, when studying it, you really get to understand the ins and outs of people.

For me, it made me more compassionate because you see that there are so many personality disorders that affect a person's behavior that they simply can't help. Like Asperger's, ADD, ODD, OCD.

You would be amazed at the sheer numbers of people in this world who are diagnosed with a disorder and continue to forge ahead and build a really good life for themselves. It is very humbling.

Of course, this doesn't take into account the ones who have significant or serious mental illness, just the average guy who is struggling with an issue a lot of others aren't.

[Shell Beau]

32. What did you think of Andrea Yates?

I am glad to see that postpartum depression is getting recognized as a potentially serious and life-threatening mental illness.

[Midlodemocrat]

33. Well, Tom Cruise and I were discussing just this little deal.

:eyes:

The thing with PPD or PPP is that after giving birth, there is a tremendous hormone dump that used to be called the 'baby blues'. It is finally being recognized that some women are genetically predisposed to suffering tremendous depression or psychosis because of that dump. You can imagine the amount of hormones raging through the body of a woman who has just given birth.

I think they reached the right verdict. She was obviously extremely, extremely ill. I only wish Rusty Yates hadn't left her alone to go to work until his mom got there, but I do understand that the guy did have to go to work.

Mental illness is an unbelievably cruel thing. I am working with a friend right now who has horrendous OCD and as a result can't/won't throw anything away. You can imagine what her house looks like. She is also so distressed by the condition of her house that she shops all the time. Her husband is afraid to push her too much because she had to undergo shock treatment when she was hospitalized 10 years ago for PPD.

I'm not licensed in VA, because frankly, the hours I was counseling didn't mesh with having three kids and a traveling husband, so I am kind of 'advising' her about some newer methods to treat hoarding. It's a long, long road. When her friends speak to her about cleaning anything up, she gets a furrowed brow and starts mumbling, so we have to back off.

[Shell Beau]

34. I've seen some things on Dr.Phil & Oprah about

hoarding. It is awful. I can't imagine what it must be like. And a lot of people don't take it as a serious condition which it is. Good for you for helping. :thumbsup: And I am also glad to see Yates get the help she needed soooo long ago.

[Midlodemocrat]

36. I hope Andrea Yates never comes out of her psychotic state

frankly, because I can't imagine living cognitively with the horror of what she did. I don't think God will allow her to regain her mind, which is a very good thing.

[Shell Beau]

38. Yeah, the pain will kill her.

I think she is getting better now and is slowly coming to terms with what she did. She'll die of a broken heart.

[Midlodemocrat]

39. There is a school of thought that a psychotic mind is a variation

of MPD because the mind can't face what actually happened IRL. In some of the people I have known who have psychosis, I think that could definitely be the case. Your mind just shuts down to prevent coming to terms with the horror.

[Shell Beau]

41. Makes sense! So sad though!

[raccoon]

30. Good post. I agree with you on this point,

"gut instinct" screens out the total trash, it does not screen out the skilled con artist -- when it's your amateur "instincts" against a professional's skill then skill wins every time

[Samurai_Writer]

23. I had my husband investigated

Did it myself. Found out he had at least 5 affairs with different women through our (thankfully short) marriage. Found out he lied about his education, military experience, marital history, medical history, and pretty much everything.

Because of my extensive investigation and documentation, I was able to get a divorce for cause of adultery, in Texas. Almost unheard of.

I now use those investigative skills to help people interested in locating their birth family members who were separated through adoption.

[pitohui]

26. well good for you

that's impressive to take such a crappy experience and turn it into something possible, not everybody can do that

kudos!

[Shell Beau]

27. That is just scary! Reminds me of that

case where that man killed his 5 week pregnant wife. Mark something! He lied about everything too!

[hotforteacher]

35. Hell yeah.

I am a single mother. The one person I have brought around my child got a criminal background check before he ever laid eyes on her and that has NOTHING to do with me being a lousy judge of character it just makes practical sense.

Not that it did much good. There is pertinent information that background checks do not include, you know...like the MMPI.

[Bunny]

40. If I were to begin seriously dating someone, as compared to

just FWB, I might do this. I'd want to know if they were married, and if they have any criminal history. I'm a single mother with two kids, and I don't want them to be exposed to someone with a bad history or bad intentions.


Back in the day, I would have just trusted my gut instinct. Through experience, I've learned that I should no longer do that.

[xmas74]

42. I've thought about that too.

I'm a single mother who has thought about dating again but am worried about the men who would be around my child.

If it were just me that would be a different story but I want to know about someone I might introduce to my child someday.