Monogamy

[querelle]

Do you insist on it in a relationship? The reason I ask is because last October I dumped my partner of seven years because he just couldn't keep his hands off other men. During the course of those seven years I caught him countless times and always forgave him. The straw that broke the camels back was last fall when I was away on a business trip and found out that he had used our home (and our bed!!!!!) to "entertain" somebody. Almost one year later, I still wonder if I made the right decision. Many people that I know view monogamy as an out dated concept and think that I over re-acted.

Thoughts?

Q

[Guava Jelly]

1. I am all for it

Do i see hot women and think man would it be fun to sleep with them..All the time..Even on this board.
But I know how i would feel if it happened to me.
I hate causing people pain.
I think you did the right thing ending it.
Anyways You never know what disease your partner may Pick up and give you

[AirmensMom]

2. I think you did.

If you're going to have a relationship that allows you to "entertain" in the other's absence, you should both agree to it ahead of time. Harleydad and I are monogomous. That's the deal. Either one of us sleeping with someone else would break the deal. My sister and her husband have a completely different arrangement. It works for them, but they both agree to it.

[Deja Q]

3. Let's say I get into a relationship between now and eventual death:

Hell, no.

I'm not out for casual sex when in a relationship. Nor do I want any partner engaging in dangerous risks either. Not unless I'm involved, and even then - I ain't that type of guy.

Those who think monogamy is outdated are what they always called me for wanting it: unevolved.

When people are single, they can do what they want. But in a relationship, there are values and ethics involved. I'm sorry too many people in this sodding "society" feel differently.

[Heidi]

4. There are all kinds of relationships. Monogamy is only one kind.

It's the kind CMW and I choose, but we don't feel we have any right to judge others for making relationship choices different from ours. :shrug:

[Deja Q]

5. Well, I'm glad you don't.

I unfortunately do; maybe I'm unevolved.

But I have no qualms in saying what I had. When a person is in a relationship, cheating defeats the purpose and potentially opens a health risk for the partner they claim to love (never mind the emotional impact, in today's world nobody gives a frig about how other people are feeling). And an "open relationship" is a contradiction in terms as well. Or I don't see how the paradox can be so readily validated.

[Heidi]

8. Why is it necessary to label others as "unevolved" simply

because their choices are not the ones we'd make for ourselves?

[Deja Q]

24. Dunno. But the day I was called that set a turning point in my life.

Ironic too...

[querelle]

6. That's The Thing

It's a choice that a couple makes. I'm all for non-monogamous relationships too, but not for me. How other people conduct their relationships is not my business. My mistake was assuming that he wanted the same thing. We never discussed it. Assumptions are dangerous things and everytime I forgave him, he said he would never do it again. Like a fool, I believed him! I guess I just wanted to believe him, but after the first time, there were always doubts. I learned the hard way that a relationship without trust isn't much of a relationship after all.

Q

[Heidi]

7. Every time I've been faced with ending a relationship and

felt torn about the choice before me, or even in retrospect, my mom always asked, "Is your life better with, or without, him?" Is your life better with, or without, your former partner, querelle?

I'm sorry you've had to go through that feeling of being betrayed. :hug:

[querelle]

19. Definitely Better Off Now

But at that time and for about four months following, I was absolutely miserable. Last Christmas was one of the worst ever because I was still feeling very wounded. It wasn't until about April that I began to feel better about the whole situation and now I can see that I made the right decision. But every now and then........there's a bit of a nagging doubt. At least it doesn't occupy my thoughts continuously like it used to.

As an aside, he jumped right back into the dating (or one night stand thing) about a week after I told him to take a walk. I still have not done that. Doesn't interest me in the least right now. I actually am enjoying being single for now. It can be very liberating in many ways. At times lonely as well, but I'll work on that later.

Q

[Heidi]

21. You're getting stronger.

Don't worry about what your ex is doing or has done. Taking care of _you_ should be your first priority. I'm glad you're enjoying being single. That's real progress. :hug:

[Deja Q]

25. On the plus side, such a 'relationship' just means a chance I can get date

Mind you, it still wouldn't feel real, if I knew they were "taken" (so to speak).

It's a bizarre world. All I know is, I've nothingamy.

[Kailassa]

27. Hypno, you sound so angry. :-(

I'm all for monogamy too, but different things suit different people.

I hope you do find a partner you can share love and monogamy with.
I always get the feeling you've had too much trouble and not enough happiness.
But perhaps that's helped make you such an interesting guy.

[Deja Q]

32. Applesauce happens.

I much appreciate your sentiment, however. Trouble is what makes a person unique. We all share the same sorts of happiness; but trouble is unique. And there's good and bad trouble too. Good trouble is on the receiving end. Bad trouble is bestowing it. I feel fortunate to have received far more than I've given, and I'm not the type to give trouble. Unless it's my bad sense of humor and making a corny joke...

But I'm not as much angry as jealous of normal people. (apart from my own "community", most of which point and laugh at me but expect me to help them out as needed too. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.)

And these days I'd settle for even a date. (With another single person.)

It's a matter of time; if I'm destined for love then it's great. If not, oh well.

[Kailassa]

34. "Good trouble is on the receiving end. Bad trouble is bestowing it."

Wise words, I couldn't agree more.

I can't imagine a worse fate that to be the person you would most like to avoid.

I've had terrible things done to me in the distant past. I've recovered.
But the people who did them to me and slyly covered their tracks have grown
more and more warped and creepy as they've grown older.
They don't like themselves, they don't like each other
and they can't afford to ever tell the truth.

And they all religiously go to church to prove how "good" they are,
despite clinging desperately to a coward's version of atheism.
But they have nightmares that there may be a time when
they will be called out over what they have done.

Don't be jealous of normal people, Hypno; they are a myth.

Everyone is weird underneath.
Some of us revel in out weirdness,
some of us endure being weird as we don't know any other way to be,
some of us effectively disguise it, taking all our cues from the people around us
and some of us never even discover our own weirdness,
living our lives in total ignorance of who we are underneath.

[xchrom]

9. i'm not into monogamy.

however -- you have to check that stuff out for yourself.

i'm worried that somehow your thoughts about your former partner stem from something other than questions about monogamy or non-monogamous relationships.

why would you want that pain back?

why don't you think you deserve better for yourself?

to each his own dude -- but -- i don't think this is about monogamy -- more about how you feel about yourself.

life is short get what is best for you -- and you will in turn give what your best to those you love.

now if want to have a discussion about how to have non-monogamous relationships -- and not be trailer trash -- that's different.
but you're not there -- nor do i think you ever will be.
and that's very, very wonderful.

[bigwillq]

10. Sometimes

depends on the other person in the relationship.

I'm been in several monogamous relationships and other times it's been very open. It all depends

[Gormy Cuss]

11. No, it's not outdated. It's how you're wired.

If your ex knew that it was important to you and kept stepping out he was being dishonest. Some couples don't care about monogamy, for some it's important but not the deal breaker, and for others it's the highest symbol of commitment. Regardless of where any of us is on this spectrum we're better off with a partner who respects and agrees with the place where we are.

[LeftyMom]

12. I didn't used to be insistent upon it, but I am now.

There's a story there, but it's long and painful and since it was years ago it's not worth worrying about.

As a practical matter, I want stability, I don't want to ever feel like I'm competing for the affections of the person who loves me best and I have enough worries without bringing stds into the picture.

On an emotional level, I don't want anybody else and I don't want somebody who can't be content with what I bring to the relationship. Sure, I see people I find attractive from time to time, but never anybody I find hot enough to consider risking what I have over. Sometimes people say that cheating is about emotional intimacy rather than sex, but would bringing somebody new into my life be worth losing my best freind? The very thought bothers me more than I can say.

In an ideal world, with no disease or human insecurities, non-monogamous relationships would probably be the norm, though I don't doubt that some would still pick the close bond that comes from loving one person with all the intensity of emotion a lifetime together can bring. Here in the real world, long term relationships where monagamy is not an expectation are hard to find. I only know of one IRL, though there may be others in my circle of freinds who are keeping that aspect of thier lives quiet.

[Ellen Forradalom]

13. In my present situation

I don't really care. Whatever makes him happy. While at this point it's still theoretical, I just have a hard time feeling anything about it.

[XemaSab]

14. Hey Ellen

What are you up today?

Want to meet for lunch or dinner?

(Sorry I didn't respond to your PM sooner, but my finances were a little wacky and I was too freaked out to think about spending money last week. A 400 dollar phone bill, 250 of which is due IMMEDIATELY, will do that to a person.)

[Ellen Forradalom]

16. I have no plans

Wanna come over to our house for dinner? I'm making bun, a Vietnamese noodle salad.

We are a friendly, affectionate bunch, whatever our all-too-human problems may be.

[XemaSab]

18. That sounds awesome!

Where? What time?

:bounce:

[jobycom]

15. If it's one of your agreements, then he broke it repeatedly

which means he had no respect for your emotions, wishes, or rights.

If you both agree that monogamy is not necessary, then it isn't. But when one wants it and the other doesn't, there is no real relationship, anyway. It's just a couple of lovers sharing time, not a committment.

But the worst part is the betrayal. He led you to believe he would be monogamous, and wasn't. That's not about sex or outdated values. It's about trust, respect, and love. He showed none of those. Find someone who deserves you.

[WindRavenX]

17. Yes, I insist on it

If you don't want to be just with me, be with someone else.

I am very insistent on it.

[petronius]

20. I insist on it, and you made the right decision

I'll second what jobycom said in #15 (that's what I planned to write, but he expressed it better than I would heve...)

[distantearlywarning]

22. I think that it is more important for some people than for others

I, for one, am very happy in my monogamous marriage, and am rarely tempted to stray. I was like that in previous relationships also. Other people I have known are like me (my husband also seems to be pretty interested in monogamy) while some other people I've known and dated had a very difficult time being faithful to one person even though they wanted to be that way intellectually. I think it might actually be biologically based and is something that is different between individuals.

In any case, I think that either way (monogamous or open relationship) is ok as long as both people agree to whatever is decided upon and stick to it. If you both agreed to monogamy, which it sounds like you did, then by "entertaining" other men, he is breaking your trust and violating the terms of the relationship.

I think you should decide whether you can live with him (or any partner) sometimes seeing other people, and then make your decisions about others based on how strongly you feel about your answer. If non-monogamy is a deal-breaker for you (and that's ok if that's what you decide), then you should make sure that the people you see know that and can live with it themselves.

Just my opinion...

[stellanoir]

23. Hmmmmmm. . .

As a historically serial monogamist I've been pondering this issue a whole lot of late.

As someone who has spent a boatload of time counseling folks about all sorts of relationships both healthy and unhealthy, triangulations, and various assorted and sundry betrayals and deceptions, I'm really not totally sure. The thing I always say about triangulations is that to me, "it's more a matter of geometry than morality as triangles have simply have really sharp corners and that all involved tend to more often than not, get hurt."

Beyond that, different interpersonal relationships require different perameters for behavior for sure.

But what complicates things far beyond idle dalliances (if there even are such things) is dishonesty.

Love is easy and on the spiritual level, is eternal.

Maintaining trust and mutual respect is far more challenging IMHO and that often predicates longevity of relationships from my observation and experiences. Once either of the former traits are trashed it's really difficult to re-establish them and takes a very long time to do so.

Maybe just tread lightly. . . and carry a big heart.

[idgiehkt]

26. I'm reconsidering.

I don't know if I want monogamy anymore, not because of the physical, but because of the emotional committment. When I look back at my life the biggest mistake I've made is pouring so much emotional attention into relationships for so little return. Plus I've been talking to my ex for a while lately and we both still love each other, but she is kind of a vortex of flirtation; she doesn't flirt, but she draws flirts to her like flies and even though she may not sleep with them I still resented it and felt jealous. I don't think it's going to change, and it's not really anything she does. She said it would be nice to have a relationship where people don't have to "piss a circle around each other". But I would have to trust someone enough to know they would have safe sex.

[Haole Girl]

28. Sounds to me like you made the right decision!

Welcome to DU, by the way! :hi:

[querelle]

29. Thanks! n/t

:hi:

[Nicole]

30. Monogamy is an absolute for me

I wouldn't enter into a relationship unless that was clear upfront.

Others may not want that. They should be clear about that upfront as well, IMHO.

[sarge43]

31. Well, this is an individual thing.

Some people can handle it; some can deal with it under certain circumstances and others just can't There's no one size fits all regardless of what religion and society tell us.

You don't believe monogamy is an out dated concept and it's perfectly legitimate state of mind. Your ex believes otherwise. Neither of you is wrong, but obviously you were wrong for each other.

One more thing - many people don't have to live your life. This was your decision to make, not theirs.

There's the Anne Landers test: Are you better off with him or without him?

[skygazer]

33. This isn't about monogomy so much as it is about trust and honesty

If monogomy is important to you in a relationship, and if your partner knows that it is, it's wrong and disrespectful to cheat on you. Period. Whether it's "outdated" (which I don't think it is) or not.

[Mutley]

35. I'm all for it.

Some people are good with sharing their partners with others, and if that makes them happy, then I'm all for that, too. It's just not for me.

[Puglover]

36. Honesty is

one billion times more important then monogamy. My partner and I have the agreement that if and when we want to canoodle with someone else we will talk about it first. It's been nine years and although I'm a horny bastard I haven't done anything cause I love our relationship and no matter what, it would change somehow if that happened. And I'm not willing to change it. Neither is he.

[Ravenseye]

37. Monogomy isn't the issue, Communication is

As long as two people communicate their desires and are honest, then there aren't problems. Oh sure there might be break ups, but at least they'll be done for honest reasons and probably far more amicable.

If you're both ok with whatever you decide, and are honest and true to it, then there's no issue. THe issue really only exists when you agree to do one thing, and someone breaks that agreement.

[querelle]

38. Amicable?

It was anything but amicable. I asked him to leave and told him that I never wanted to see him or speak to him again. He still calls me ten months later at least twice a week. His latest call was on Sunday. He wants back all of the gifts he gave me. I'm willing to give back all of the gifts if it means he won't call me anymore. Somehow, I don't believe that will stop the calls......

Q