My sister says I can't be "mean" to my cousin -- what do you think?

[IdaBriggs]

The skunk didn't invite me to his wedding despite the fact I'm local, nor did he invite another sister who lives a couple of hours away, or the niece whose mother died two and a half years ago (who just finished putting HERSELF through college!).

He did, however, invite both of my brothers and another sister (all local).

He didn't invite our uncle, or any of his children.

Also, HE DIDN'T INVITE MY MOTHER!!! (Although, if I *try* to be fair, there had been some discussion on whether or not his wedding was going to be the same weekend as the class reunion event she has been working on for the past three years -- but she is the type of person who would have gone to his wedding DESPITE that event, if you know what I mean.)

None of us "Not Invited" people were invited to the bridal shower, either.

As far as I know there isn't any bad blood between us. :shrug:

I'm kind of pissed.

I thought I'd do "little" things like call his new wife by his last girlfriend's name for a few years, but my sister says that is mean.

Thoughts?

P.S. He has invited the CHILDREN of the siblings he invited! Five CHILDREN ranging in age from Six to Fourteen got invitations while his FIRST COUSINS, and the AUNT WHO GAVE HIM A PLACE TO LIVE FOR THREE YEARS didn't get invited. His mother must be dying of embarrassment!

:mad:

[LeftyMom]

1. Be direct

Don't take it out on his new wife (sounds like she'll have enough trouble putting up with the guy,) just take him aside sometime and let him know that his manners stink and pointedly leaving family members out is very rude.

[IdaBriggs]

5. From what I'm hearing, the new wife is the one who has been in charge

of "everything" -- he's just "going with the flow".

Rumor has it that he "only" was allowed to invite 100 people. There aren't that many of us who qualify as "first cousins" on his mother's side, and he only has the one living aunt, and one living uncle on this side of the fence.

I also heard he "forgot" to invite his uncle, but that uncle called his mother to ask about it, and when confronted, she abjectly apologized, and swore that it was just an oversight.

He and my brother have been doing business for a while, and my mother used to pay him to mow the lawn, etc. when he was desperate for money. (He's over forty, by the way.) This is the first year he hasn't been doing it (because my mother was unhappy with the job he was doing), but supposedly they left everything cordial.

I've been buying Christmas presents for this guy for the last fifteen or so years -- we're not "best friends" or anything, but this is kind of ridiculois!

Sniff. My feelings are hurt, which is why I'm mad.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. dont play passive aggressive

either have it out with your cousin or forget it or ignore him forever but dont do weird things...

[IdaBriggs]

6. I was originally kind of wanting to do the "ignore forever" thing

but that is going to turn Family Holidays (where he has been hanging out with my side of the family for the last ten years or so) even more awkward than they've already become. We don't really socialize outside of family events, but those happen with enough regularity that I would assume I would have a clue if we were having "problems" -- ???

The wedding is this weekend. My husband is near jumping with joy: "We don't have to buy a gift AND we don't have to go a wedding!" For him, its double bonus points, but then again, its not his side of the family, either.

[idgiehkt]

14. this is just so wrong.

I would be tempted to send him a card saying something like 'thanks for thinking of us. We appreciate the fact that you didn't burden us with the obligation to buy you a gift or attend a ceremony we really wouldn't have enjoyed. We will always respond in kind." or something like that. It just sounds so petty. Someone needs to send him an enumerated list of the people who weren't invited and just ask why beside each name. Who would think of using their wedding as an opportunity to hurt people.

[ThomCat]

3. I'm a bit confrontational.

I'd send him a letter asking him outright if there is a reason he is excluding family members, and I'd specify who he's excluding so that he can't answer in vague generalizations.

Yes, I'd be pissed too.

[IdaBriggs]

8. I'm kind of hypersensitive on the topic of being excluded lately.

My siblings were being AWFUL to me after my father died, and it wasn't until my mother laid down the law that they started acting like decent human beings again. Everyone is now "okay" (with the exception of one brother), but I didn't think the inter-family conflict had escaped the borders of our IMMEDIATE family. Now, I'm wondering what the hell is going on...?

And part of me is wondering if its even worth pursuing, which I'm totally feeling guilty about. I grew up with this man! I *should* care more -- but part of me doesn't, and just wants to be a b*tch to kind of make a point about his tacky behavior having consequences.

[Darth_Kitten]

45. I think I understand your feelings......

it sounds like you've managed to be decent towards him, and he's Mr. Insensitivity. Personally, I would be a little pissed as well. There's no excuse in my books for family members like this. Especially one who seems like he should be a lot more grateful for their generosity.
You have to decide what you are comfortable doing. Maybe talk to the other excluded family members and ask them what they would do.

Or better, have a family get together the DAY of the wedding and make sure you send an invite to the happy groom and bride.

P.S. stop sending the Xmas presents, something I had to learn how to do after getting never so much as a thank you or Xmas card. :(

[Gormy Cuss]

4. He made choices. The message is clear.

Some relatives were more important to invite than others. Why, who knows? He certainly has handled it poorly and if his mother is dying of embarassment the cousin has more than enough trouble.

Weddings bring out the worst behavior sometimes. If the cousin limited the list because of money it would have been decent to get the word out through the family before the invitations went out. If he limited it for some other reason, family is family and there are better ways to handle selective invitations. He isn't required to invite any of you but drawing the line this way obviously has ruffled your feathers so he's being an insensitive dolt.

[XemaSab]

7. He's inviting 100 people

If he's THAT short on money, he could invite 20 people or 10 people or 3 people or nobody at all.

But with 100 people, I'm shocked that family members don't make the cut. Who the hell else would be there?

[IdaBriggs]

9. I'm clueless. And remember, HIS SIDE only gets 100 people --

she's still got another hundred plus or so coming, too.

Apparently the bridal shower was something I'm glad to have missed: it was held at a swanky country club, and the guest list was "limited" due to cost -- at least on his side. A bunch of people didn't show up, and at the last minute (as in, DAY OF!), my cousin called my mother/his aunt, LEFT A MESSAGE and told her she could "crash" if she wanted to!

She told me she was Sixty-Five years old, and she didn't "crash" anything. Either she was invited, or she wasn't. She didn't go.

[Gormy Cuss]

15. As I said, weddings bring out the worst behavior.

Whoever is paying for the wedding decides who is included. Most people try not to upset their families in the process, but some just don't care or don't pay attention.

One hundred people in a big family or in a smaller yet close extended family is easy to exceed. In my family inviting just siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles generates nearly 50. Adding the cousins would completely blow the lid off the totals, never mind including their spouses and children. So, I can understand the possible need to exclude some extended family, but inviting the children of cousins over an aunt or IdaBriggs is a really odd way to choose.

edited to reflect new info since I started composing this.

[XemaSab]

44. I have one grandma,

One parent, three aunts, three uncles, and four cousins, plus two cousins-by-marriage, two cousins' girlfriends, and two great aunts.

That's 17 people, and that's my whole family. :shrug:

[IdaBriggs]

11. Yes, he is an insensitive dolt. Every time I want to be "extra hurt"

because he excluded *ME*, I shake my head at the fact he didn't invite the sister who lives a few hours away, or the orphan niece who is really sensitive about the bonds of "family."

He definitely isn't REQUIRED to invite people, but these are the types of insults that don't get forgotten soon.

[oldcoot]

21. Could you get together with the sister and the orphan niece?

Perhaps you could get together with the other family members who were not invited and have your own party this weekend. You might all have a better time at the party than you would have had at the wedding.

As for the groom, I do not think you need to worry about saying anything to him. I suspect that at the reception, various family members are going to ask about the missing members. In the end, he will probably look bad for not inviting you.

[IdaBriggs]

24. I am *confident* he is going to look bad -- he already does.

I just got a phone call from my fourteen year old niece who wanted to know if we were invited. I told her that we weren't, and she told me she had a new dress for the event. I told her that I didn't know why our cousin didn't invite (and here the niece began supplying the names of OTHER family members not invited!), but that she shouldn't worry about it, because when it came time for her wedding, her mother and grandmother would make sure that she didn't behave in such a tacky, classless fashion.

The family gossip chain is already making the rounds. I wouldn't even have known the wedding was this weekend if my mother hadn't been having a stroke over the situation.

[zonkers]

10. I was not invited to the wedding of a buddy whom I did everything for...

when he was down and out. All our mutual friends were invited. He said he couldn't get a hold of me but I think it was because his wife wasn't crazy about me. In any case, it really hurt and still does. It was never discussed again. I am pleasant to him but share few words. And yes, I am passive agressive, sometimes, behnd his back I remind folks what a worthless piece of shit he is.

[IdaBriggs]

13. These are the things we remember, even when we don't want to.

I hate it when people lie to your face, too, which is what your friend did. Yes, he was protecting his wife from the consequences of their decision, but it sounds like it pretty much destroyed your relationship.

I just asked my mother if I should call my aunt to politely inquire if my invitation was "lost in the mail" like my uncle's; she thought that might put my aunt in "an awkward position", and asked back, "like, awkward as in, not being invited to a wedding?"

My mother got the point. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.

[zonkers]

28. Actually, Ida, one should be thankful people reveal their true selves

early on and in these situations, much better this way than during a real crisis when you or someone else, might be counting on them. I do know the best thing to do in these situations is to disengage. Sometimes folks do come around. And then it is up to you to embrace them. Meanwhile, just get love and friendship where you can. Sounds like you have a nice relationship with your ma. I do, too.:P

[Rabrrrrrr]

12. Speaking personally, I don't see why you care.

Obviously, you are upset, and that's fine.

But, come on - people have the right to invite whoever they want to invite, to anything they are doing. There is no "familial moral obligation" or other bullshit that necessitates who should and who shouldn't get invited to things.

If it bothers you, don't invite him to anything you hold. But your idea is just petty, and easily more obnoxious and a far greater breach of etiquette than anything he has done, as he has certainly not breached any form of etiquette.

I have a cousin who didn't invite me to her wedding in Las Vegas. I'm glad that I (and the other 150 family members who weren't invited) didn't take it as personally as you are taking this one, because she's a cool person and we're good friends.

:shrug:

[IdaBriggs]

16. Obviously we come from different families!

In my family, to *NOT* invite someone to a Major Family Event like a wedding is An Insult -- and we all know it!

The wedding is not "long distance" -- its local. He has EIGHT first cousins total (three of whom never come to any event held on the weekends because they work in hospitality). He has been coming to "family Christmas" on our side of the family for years.

I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm definitely not happy.

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. It's only an insult if you choose to be insulted.

Clearly, you aren't happy, and clearly you are hurt by this - and I don't mean to denigrate your true feelings in this.

I'm just not sure this anything worth caring about. So he didn't invite you? So he didn't invite some others in the family? Who gives a fig?

Fuck 'em, and go on with your life, and don't wallow in bitterness. It will ruin you.

The only way to know if he is intentionally insulting you is to ask him, and to ask him directly - not through a proxy. If it bothers you that much, your only legitimate course of action is to ask him. You will then find out that yes, he meant to insult you, in which case you can tell him to fuck off and write him out of your life. Or, you will find out he had a legimate non-insulting reason not to invite you, in which case you can realize that you don't need to be pissed off and you can still be friends.

But, really, until you ask him directly and personally, in an honest and non-confrontational way and express your feelings, you have not a leg to stand on.

It sounds like you are far, far more upset because you missed out on a gift/payback ("He OWES me an invitation because my family have been SO NICE to him all these years he OWES US!") than that you will miss the wedding itself.

[IdaBriggs]

23. I'm kind of confused about missing out on the "gift/payback" thing.

WE are the ones who would be buying HIM and his bride gifts!

He should have invited us because we are FAMILY, and we have had a FAMILY RELATIONSHIP for thirty-five plus years. We spend holidays together. We see each other at family events. He was a guest in my home in May for my mother's birthday. He was a pallbearer at my father's funeral. Now, granted, I don't pay him to do handyman work after the last time his "mistakes" cost me a couple of hundred dollars to repair, but I was gracious about the whole thing, and don't bring that up.

Its a tacky thing he's done, and since he's the one who is doing it, I think I'm just going to settle for "passive aggressive" for a while, and make damn sure he's not coming to any family events that I'm a part of organizing. I think I'll just "forget" to invite him, too!

[Rabrrrrrr]

27. Just like I said:

It sounds like you are far, far more upset because you missed out on a gift/payback ("He OWES me an invitation because my family have been SO NICE to him all these years he OWES US!") than that you will miss the wedding itself.

You and your family helped him for years; now you feel entitled to payback, which in this case would be expressed by getting an invitation to his wedding.

I have not heard you say anything about how sad you will be to miss his wedding; you have said nothing about how sad you will be not to see him marry the woman he loves and share their vows. All I've heard from you is carping is that you DESERVED to be invited, and weren't. In post after post, you have consistently brought up all the things that you and your mother and others have done for him, as though those acts alone should be enough to warrant an invitation. Hence, my suggestion that you are more concerned about being snubbed a gift that you feel you deserve and have earned, than you are about not being able to participate in and be witness to a wedding.

And now, because you have been denied a gift that you earned and deserved, you will deny him the gifts of invitations in the future and act passive aggressive in other ways. How childishly manipulative. How petty. Your words make me think quite seriously that you care less about him and the wedding than you do about yourself; and makes me think that the only reason you help people in your family is for payback later on and not for the love and joy of helping out.

What if he had invited you? Would that have settled the debt? Or would there be more things in the future that he should be doing for you? How much is required to pay back all the things that you did, that he perhaps felt you did out of generosity, not out of a karmic loan?

[idgiehkt]

29. but, but

some people enjoy being childishly manipulative and petty. I do. Where's all the fun in life? I think the part about not inviting the mother/aunt/whatever is so mean. That would kill my mother, and I would therefore have to kick his ass. It wouldn't bother me about myself, since I hate shit like that anyway, but not inviting a mom?

I wonder how much of this is him, and how much of it is his future wife. Woe be unto him if it is his wife, his 'payback' for this might be lifelong.

[Rabrrrrrr]

30. LOL! Yes, if this is because of his future wife, IdaBriggs need do nothing

because this guy is jumping his way into his own living hell on earth, and nothing that Ida does will ever compare to what his wife is gonna do to him.

He just might be getting his karmic comeuppance soon.

[idgiehkt]

31. It really doesn't sound to me like something a male would do

that's probably sexist, but this sounds soooo female to me. I'm going to get in trouble for saying that, I bet.

[Ariana Celeste]

33. Hey man, I agree

No trouble from me. :hi:

[idgiehkt]

34. not a man

I'm just a traitor to my gender, lol.

[Ariana Celeste]

35. So am I.

LOL.

Sorry, I call most people "dude" and "man", including my mother (believe it or not, she thinks it's "cute"). :P

[IdaBriggs]

36. LOL! I think you have it right there!

I had typed a long response where I thank you for putting things in perspective -- I'm one of those "giver" people, and this guy is a "taker" so why on earth I should have expected better from him is kind of a mystery.

No, I'm not going to be sad to miss him taking his vows with his latest love, especially as I've only met her a few times in the short time they've been dating. I do know, however, that his actions are at best insensitive, and at worst, deliberately insulting. I have ten thousand things I'd rather be doing, but knowing that he is DELIBERATELY behaving this way in front of the rest of the family burns!

I think another poster said it best: I've always treated him like "family", so it hurts that he doesn't think the same of me. Heck, I apparently don't even rank in the Top 100! On a positive note, its best that I've learned this now.

But its still tacky on his part, and if I don't whack him upside the head for his Awful Behavior, I know I can trust Karma to take care of it for me, and that Lady is a BITCH!

:P

[pagerbear]

26. The inconsistency is what hurts more than the exclusion

....if I understand correctly. Yes, he's entitled to invite or not invite anyone he wants, but when there are two or more cousins with whom he has similar social/familial relationships, inviting one but not the other(s) does lead to confusion and hurt. The "gift/payback" element you mention looks to me more like Our relationship was so close that we have helped him out in these ways--doesn't he feel as close to us as we do to him?

My suggestion to Ida: Turn the other cheek. Kill him and his bride with kindness. Send them a lovely gift--one that fits in your budget, of course--and make a display of being happy for the new couple. Welcome them into your home. Even if it doesn't shame them into apologizing, or at least explaining, it will be better for you in the long run than holding a grudge.

Oh, and one more thing: Miss Manners would likely object to the popular idea that wedding gifts are obligatory, and such an obligation is in any way related to being invited to the actual ceremony. She would, however, be surprised that people who care about the happy couple would be reluctant to share in their joy with some small material token of their affection, appropriate to the givers' own financial resources.

[IdaBriggs]

46. If we aren't "told" about the wedding via either an invitation or a

an announcement, as far as I am concerned we are under no obligation to send a gift. Hearing about it through a family grapevine/gossip chain as an event from which we are being deliberately excluded in a rude, tacky manner designed to cause insult isn't going to get the SOB a gift either.

I am confident Miss Manners would understand. :)

[mad-mommy]

17. seems odd...

If you have to have a small wedding, my sister did, she invited first cousins she saw socially. In other words, the cousin she never met from another state didn't get invited, but the cousins living in the same town did.

I would find it in bad taste not to invite ALL of the sisters and brothers within a family who live locally. Considering this seemed not be a down sized wedding, it seems odd what your cousin did.

I'm new here, so I don't want to be too opinionated.

By chance, is he a die hard repug, and you a die hard dem? LOL. That would do it. My dad has to be warned at ALL family functions to try to tone it down a bit. Even though he's right, some discussions get out of hand.

[IdaBriggs]

20. We've never had a political discussion, so I'm not sure.

And you are right -- its just plain bad taste! Miss Manners would be having a field day with this one! LOL!

[malta blue]

18. People are entitled to invite whomever they choose

to a wedding. That being said, I would be quite hurt if one of my cousins opted to not invite me, while inviting other cousins. If it was an immediate family only, destination-type thing, that is understandable. But being as you are local, I would feel hurt were I in your shoes.

Don't do anything petty, just remember, at least you don't owe them a gift now...
:hi:

[IdaBriggs]

22. I said it upthread -- my husband is near dancing with joy!

Just saved a hundred bucks on a gift, AND he doesn't have to sit through a wedding!

My mother is seriously miffed. I told her she should go to be supportive to my aunt (who is definitely aware of the social niceties, if you know what I mean), and remember that "like attracts like" -- this cousin really received a lot of support from my family while battling drug and alcohol problems, and this type of behavior is really appalling.

[malta blue]

25. Like attracts like...

very good point.

[ScreamingMeemie]

32. I'd leave it alone and remember the day when you get invited to

their child's graduation, or receive a baby announcement.

It may be his fiance' doing the planning. :hug:

[IdaBriggs]

37. Thanks, MrsGrumpy. And as I told my mother, it could be worse.

I know one guy who FORGOT TO INVITE HIS GRANDPARENTS!!! His mother nearly died of embarrassment on the spot, especially because THE MAN HAD BEEN LIVING WITH THEM FOR TWENTY YEARS, and only moved out two years or so prior to his wedding. (It was a school district thing at first, and then they provided free housing during the TEN YEARS it took him to graduate college.)

Talk about Wedding Faux Pas!!!

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

39. Awww. How horrid. One time we were invited, kind of last minute,

to the wedding of the sister of MrG's best friend (we had been Best Man and Maid of Honor at their wedding). It became apparent, as we were seated with the D.J. and some fringe coworkers of the Groom that MrG's best friend had told them it would be "worth it" (i.e. check in card...MrG tends to go overboard) to invite us. It was rather embarassing.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

38. Several of my cousins failed to invite me to their wedding

In fact I’ve only attended one wedding of a cousin –although in all fairness I was invited to two others but couldn’t make it because in one case I was recovering in surgery and in the other he was getting married overseas. I have a lost of cousins from both sides and one side of the family has an uncle who has been married and divorced three times and has various children from each marriage so I have heaps and heaps of cousins. And some of the cousins who haven’t invited me to their wedding have been cousins whom I have known quiet well, whom I have spent holidays with and whom I am quite close to. And yes, they have invited other cousins to the wedding and have excluded my sister and me. And my parents (uncle and aunt to the various cousins) have not been invited either. And my other uncle doesn’t often get invited as well to these weddings if my memory serves me accurately

My sister also excluded inviting some of her cousins to her wedding –including the cousin with whom my uncle and aunt stayed with when they came to our wedding. I watched my sister’s agony and frustration as she looked over her wedding list wondering whom she could possibly cross off to ensure that numbers were kept under control. As it was, my sister was exceedingly generous about making sure she could invite everyone she possibly could to her wedding. But there were some people –including family members –who she and her fiancé had to cross off from their list. Sometimes, when you aren’t invited, it isn’t meant personally. My sister hated doing it and felt immensely guilty for every person she crossed off


But you know what? I don’t take it personally. When you have to provide catering and have to pay for tables and food cost as well as the venue and all the other additional costs, you can’t invite everyone whom you would like to in ideal circumstances. Sometimes you are closer to some of your cousins than others. That doesn’t necessarily mean there is bad blood between you –it just means you have to keep numbers down and you have to accommodate your spouse’s family as well


For what it’s worth, I think your cousin should have invited your mother if he was inviting some of her children.

Our family maintains cordial relations with the cousins whose weddings we have been excluded from and vice versa. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by severing a relationship without at least finding out the reasons behind the cause of the tension. Don’t automatically assume he deliberately set out to exclude you and your mother –sometimes financial, logistical, catering and other issues get in the way

Just my advice

[AngryAmish]

40. This is why I'm not having a wedding reception

If you are not invited you are not out the $250 bucks for a gift. Plus you have a free Saturday night. And no sitting through a boring service, eating crappy food and listening to a bunch of speeches where many people completely lose their dignity.

If I am not invited somewhere I don't care.

[MadHound]

41. Since your cousin is local, drop in on him somewhere

Where his fiance isn't. Or call him up and invite him out for a beer. And then ask him what's going on. Don't be angry, just up front with both your questions and your pain. Perhaps there's a genuine reason for this. Perhaps his fiance is being a bitch(I've seen that happen many times before at weddings, and the marriage never lasted). Perhaps it was an oversight on her part, god knows even the most simple of weddings is a cataclysm of chaos.

I would just let him know straight up how you feel, how your family feels, and what the problem is. This way you don't have to be left wondering the rest of your life, or harbor resentments, etc.

And if it's because of some honest oversight or mistake, or some other such reason, all's good. If it's because of the fiance, tell the guy to run, now, fast and far. Because when you marry a person, you are to a certain extent marrying their entire set of family and friends. And if this woman can't stand certain family members it won't be long until she starts hating all of them, including her husband.

And if it's because your cousin is just being an ass, well, I'll leave that up to you. Good luck.

[Writer]

42. The question that comes to mind is...

why do you want to handle this situation like this?

[IdaBriggs]

43. Because my feelings are/were hurt, and I was feeling passive/

aggressive about the whole thing. Inviting "3 out of 5" living siblings is kind of on the "tacky" side, and I'm angry/hurt that I am being excluded from a major "family" event.

I still might do it, depending on how much of a bitch she decides to be (I'm told the planning is happening on her side). Worst case, I just might commiserate with how "poor" the wedding undoubtedly is if they have to exclude people in such a manner.

Either way, its not an end of the world thing. :shrug: