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ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't
know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone
to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a
good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.
Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that
whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They
can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone
and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for
a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated
Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop
inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to
employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to
body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is
not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A
squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some
would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when
intoxicated.
GE! MINI (M ay 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior
much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's
just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with
finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely
advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe.
Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and
uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They
like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring --
and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with
dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,
Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret
parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true
Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get
"tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing
better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red
wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will
do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you
served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their
commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware
they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know
their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control.
When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps
not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules
even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and
expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next
day.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their
bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking
less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze
neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely
get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the
intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let
it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As
one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low
level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just
that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle
and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with
Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they
are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.
Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control,
however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including
wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting
with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events
entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll
smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink,
and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the
sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering
tool - though if depress! ed, sel f-loathing Scorps seek total
obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals,
brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember
everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed.
Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of
their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink
with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole
Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then
persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub,
or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue
(including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a
brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie
and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble?
But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off,
and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy
the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward
know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more
stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or
organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties
to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case.
Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the
best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising
their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of
holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that
you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in
the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build
up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On
the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in
conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out
sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days.
The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know
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