Opulent weddings....yes or no?

[Liberal Veteran]

Flipping through the channels I happened upon what appears to be the "wedding channel", with each wedding seeming more about catering, expensive flowers, horse drawn carriages, doves, exotic locations, etc.

Every single one of them seems to be trying to outdo the marriage of Charles and Diana.

Whatever happened to simple ceremonies with a nice dress, a chapel, and some home cooked food?

[joneschick]

1. I remember helping serve in the church basement

anybody else remember the Ladies Aid Society? I got a frilly apron and got to serve punch!

[sendero]

2. I've never understood..

...the need to make a marriage a huge social event that many folks have. If my future wife insisted on spending $10K and endless days of planning, I think I'd get cold feet :)

[Left Is Write]

5. $10K? By most modern standards, that's getting off cheap!

[sendero]

7. By my standards..

.... I'd rather put it down on a house. :)

[Left Is Write]

8. I don't disagree.

My own wedding was considerably less than that. Still, I'd say that most weddings cost more, and those opulent ones aren't even in the same stratosphere.

[Buddyblazon]

42. And that's exactly what my fiance and I are doing....

though we already own. We're putting all our extra money into rehabing an old house.

We're both very "nose to the grindstone" right now. We were, however, planning a cruise (we haven't been on a pure vacation since we met 4 years ago) with her family (her stepdad owns a tour company).

We just figured since we were spending the money, we'd get married on the cruise. Now my immediate family is coming as well...and we get a group rate...it will be a little over 1200$ for the two of us (all inclusive...but not including the flight).

She was so against spending lots of money on the wedding...she told me, "Buy me a ring when we have money. We can't waste cash on that crap right now."

I kind of freaked out because I want to give her everything.

But she said, "Listen, we made a pact to buckle down for 5-6 years and sock away our money. We can't go spending it on silly things like jewelry. Besides...I don't wear jewelry. I wouldn't wear it other than when we go out."



We plan on renting out a friends drinking establishment so we can celebrate with all our friends and get them all shitfaced.


So thats nothing...and we're still looking at the whole thing costing us about 3grand.


Weddings....freaking expensive.

[LeftyMom]

3. I think they're obscene.

Too much focus on getting married and not enough on being married. Who the hell wants to blow that much money in a single weekend just as they're starting a lifelong relationship (and possibly a household and family) and really need to be starting to plan for thier future.

[Liberal Veteran]

17. I do wonder how it feels to plonk down 30k on a wedding...

...that ends in a divorce 3 years later.

[Left Is Write]

4. I prefer simple weddings with cake-and-punch receptions...

but I don't mind if other people like showier affairs.

[Liberal Veteran]

9. I really don't mind either, if it really reflects the lifestyle they...

...are accustomed to. Seeing a lower middle class family spending enough money to buy a small house and furnish it just for a single event just seems so over the top to me. I've known people who go into to debt to pay for their wedding and that seems.....ill-advised.

[asthmaticeog]

6. No.

Every big-money wedding I've been to save one has been preposterous, overblown, a mess to hold together, and ultimately embarrasing to the families of the bride and groom, if not the bride and groom themselves.

Every low-key, simple wedding I've attended has been an intimate and joyful experience, and often, to compensate for the low budget, the bride and groom have been admirably creative about the proceedings.

With the insane opulence that's getting more and more common, what you're seeing is the bridal magazine industry catering to its advertisers by creating status anxiety about how one's wedding MUST be the grandest party ever thrown, usually playing into a potent combination of American consumerist materialism and the way many western women have been encultured (men typically don't read those mags). Sadly, people often forget that as important as it is that a wedding be a very special day, the marriage will go on for many years (one hopes) and that those years are far more important. I suspect that a lot of the folks who have these sorts of weddings are the same people who went laughably overboard for their senior proms.

[Liberal Veteran]

14. That sorta sums up my feelings.

Hell, if your father is CEO of Exxon, then by all means, if a fairy-tale wedding complete with castle and horse drawn carriage is your thing, then have at it, but seeing people of modest means spending a small fortune on a wedding and obsessing over every single detail tends to take bit a bit of the shine off what should be a really joyous and fun event.

[lildreamer316]

10. Stupid waste of money.

The only thing I want to spend money on is my reception PARTY for all my friends. THAT's worth the money--but I want everyone to come in casual; jeans or club clothes so they can be completely comfortable and stay as long as they want. I'm going to hire a band all my friends know and some are members of, and have lots of liqour and REAL FOOD - I want to get one of those looooong subs from Subway and have fried chicken and potato salad and etc etc etc.
I AM regestering--for a honeymoon!! Instead of everyone having to buy me a gift; they can just contribute to our honeymoon. That's the other thing I'm going to spend all my "wedding" savings on. Screw the outrageous flowers and all that extra stuff. I AM going to have a cool dress; but no one else has to dress up except for hubby; and then we are going to change into comfortable clothes for the reception too.
I think the important thing is to spend a good time with your friends and family. The only important thing.

[greatauntoftriplets]

11. I attended such a wedding going on two years ago...

My friend, the mother of the bride, said it cost about $65,000. The bridal couple paid for more than half of the cost, but they were both over 30 at the time and he has a lucrative job.

It was lots of fun, but jeez. The bride had 13 attendants. Fortunately, they walked fast going into church and not at the usual glacial bridal party speed.

[skygazer]

12. Certainly nothing I'd ever want

I can't imagine the amount of worry and stress that go into them - even if you do have a wedding planner. And the idea of starting out your married life in debt seems ridiculous to me. My daughter recently got married - it was very nice, on a riverboat which was fun and intimate. She didn't spend a fortune, it was beautiful but low key and everyone had a nice time. Family and friends - that's what it's all about.

[BrainRants]

13. Best wedding I ever attended was in a barn with no A/C in August

They had a great polka band, we sweated (and drank) buckets dancing the evening away.

My measure of a successful wedding is how late the "old people" stay. I've been to weddings where they're saying their goodbyes after the DJ's first song (which is usually the very tired "Celebration" by Kool/Gang)

Get a great band and nobody will ever remember the rest (food, dress, location, etc).

[Mutley]

15. If I ever get married

it'll be as simple and as cheap as possible.

Hell, I'll get married in the courthouse. Isn't being married more important than the wedding? :shrug:

[Liberal Veteran]

16. Amen. If this stupid ass country ever allows me to marry...

...my lifepartner of 16 years, It'll likely be a simple ceremony with a couple of cheap rental tuxs and a cake, about 10 close friends, and a nice bottle of champagne.

[Mrs.Matcom]

23. Come to Massachusetts

you can legally marry here...matcom & I have even stated on DU that any couple that wants to get married here can come stay at Casa matcom instead of shelling out for an expensive hotel! :hi: I agree with you about what a waste of money a huge wedding is. We got married in a hotel by a JP with 25 of our closest friends and family. It was a ball, and it was under 2k!

[LeftyMom]

24. And it'll mean a hell of a lot more than a typical $50K megachurch gala.

:)

[tinfoil tiaras]

18. opulent is one of my vocabulary words...

:D :hi:

[Liberal Veteran]

20. Do I get a prize for using it properly?

:D

[tinfoil tiaras]

21. Yes, you do

:p

:D

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. It's all because we allowed the myth that it's "her special day" to exist

And thus, it spirals out of control by every woman who embraces this godawful (and heretical) concept.

[asthmaticeog]

22. "heretical"

Could you elaborate on that?

And where do you think the "her special day" thing originated? Doubtless, weddings more and more tend to be intensely bride-centered to the point where the groom is almost like a crowd-scene extra, but do you know how that evolved?

[Rabrrrrrr]

46. I should have refined that to say it's heretical for the Christian

I have no idea for the other religions whether it's heretical or not. And I say it's heretical because, even though we use the term opulent wedding, or mega-wedding, what we really mean is opulent reception or mega-reception, though certainly some of that filters into the worship service that is the wedding, with the too-many bridesmaids, the too-expensive wedding gown, the too-much-focus-on-the-bride's march up the aisle, etc. And it becomes heretical because all the focus ends up being on the bride, and not the couple - and it IS a couple being married, not just a bride and "that guy up front" - but even more than taking focus away from the fact that it is a couple getting married is the way that it all detracts from the fact that the important player in the marriage ceremony is God. Once God is taken out or demoted to a minor status, the wedding is heretical. And as I said, I'm talking only about Christian ceremonies, though I think these same criteria apply to Jewish and Muslim weddings. Hinduism and other religions I have no idea. There's also a certain heretical component to spending money that one cannot afford, especially when done purely to be a show-off to one's friends, to say "Look at how wonderful this is, which means look how wonderful I am!! I'm the star for the day and we decided to spend our house downpayment and our empty out our retirement accounts just so I could feel like a goddess for today!!"

Now, as far as I am concerned, if the people have the money and don't have to borrow and aren't setting themselves backward at all, go ahead nad have the $200,000 reception, or million dollars, or whatever. Clearly, Bill Gates could do a billion dollar reception and not have to borrow for it. While it would be extreme, and an ugly use of money, he's not borrowing to do it, either.

I would say that the preponderance of bridezilla mega-weddings is an artifact of the post-WWII era of people having more money and resources, and it's been slowly spiralling out of control since then. Though surely, of course, for the royalty and wealthy the mega-wedding has long been a norm. But the mega-wedding for the middle class, in which people borrow from their 401k's or crank up their credit card debt and otherwise spend money that they don't have is a recent phenomenon, and, I think, driven mostly by self-centered women with low self-esteem who feel that the wedding is HER "special day", and, by God, she's gonna have everything perfect, and big, and out of control, and it's gotta cost more and be bigger than the last wedding that one of her friends had.

[catzies]

25. The "Bridal Industrial Complex" is a billion-dollar industry

Designed to make you feel inferior if you don't conform.

[reyd reid reed]

26. No.

It seems so stupid to go into that kind of debt when you're just starting out...and for what? A few pictures and a lot of stress?

God, no.

But then, I don't do the marriage thing at all so what do I know?

:shrug:

[xmas74]

27. It's the "bigger is better" attitude that has swept up

everyone in its path.

If I ever get married I want to do it on a friend's farm. I want a simple dress that I can wear again, don't even care about shoes (but will get a good pedi first), charcoal grills going and everyone having a bbq cookoff. I want potato salad,macaroni salad, garden fresh veggies served raw and tons of homemade pies and cobblers. I don't even know if I'll have a wedding cake-if someone brings a fruits of the forest or harvest pie I'd eat it instead.

I forgot-I demand stewed rhubard. I love it!

A friend has a band and I know he'd perform as a present. Otherwise, we'll just drag a stereo outside and play whatever cd's we want to hear at any given time. And I want a bonfire and fireworks-we hicks love our fires. (I admit to being a hick-it's a badge of honor.) And a few friends are bound to shoot off their guns or whatever. It's fine.

I just want a fun party. I want to see people sloppy drunk, playing volleyball or softball in simple outfits (I don't want anyone to spend money on clothes. Just pull something out of the closet 'cuz it's bound to get dirty.). If someone decides to play horseshoes I'll be joining them. I have friends who brew their own beers and make their own wines. They know I want them to share it someday if I ever get married.

I just want a messy, sloppy, free-for-all. I want food made w/ loving hands by the people that I love and love me right back. I want entertainment that will be enjoyed by everyone and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable in too tight shoes and teased hair. I want fun.

And I don't want presents. I'd prefer that any money spent on presents be sent instead to a charity. I would seriously consider having a simple box at the wedding for people to donate canned goods to the local food pantry and I would definitely donate any leftovers to the local senior center or Meals on Wheels, if they'll take it.

[laundry_queen]

28. I never understood the 'big wedding' thing.

Our own wedding was fairly intimate, with about 80 people (I have a large family, he has too many friends, lol). We rented a banquet room in a small hotel. It was a relaxed atmosphere, our friend married us; we had good food, free drinks and a great time. I think we spent $5,000 or so. My dress was $400. Flower girl dresses (our 2 dd's) were $80 each. We did have some help from our parents (one did drinks, the other food).
If it would have been up to me, we would have had immediate family only (parents and siblings), one or 2 close friends and a big potluck dinner. But dh wanted a big party. It was not done to outdo anyone, but to have a good time with good friends and close family.
A friend of mine went out of her way to have a big tent outside wedding with all the trimmings, and spent well over $15,000 and ended up divorced (and broke) 3 years later. I agree, there seems to be too much focus on *1* day and not enough on the entire future of the relationship.
My brother did get married in Jamaica last year, but it was very small (I didn't even go) just parents, and on the beach. Plus the bride's dad is from there, so there was a reason.
I do have to say though I've never been to a HUGE wedding, maybe a big wedding is less of a Canadian thing, most weddings I've been to have been small, buffet style, in the local hall. And most of them have been a lot of fun.
Edited for atrocious grammar.

[qnr]

29. I think we spent $300.00 on our wedding, including dinner n/t

[idgiehkt]

32. rock on!

my sis is doing it on the cheap too...she's really, really good at finding stuff on sale and got her bridesmaids dresses for $50 each.

[qnr]

38. good to hear :) n/t

[radwriter0555]

36. HAH! We got our dinner for free at our friend's restaurant! So our

little Beverly Hills Court House wedding cost about $300. Most of that was a bottle of champagne and appetizers at L'Hermitage.

Good times.

[qnr]

37. Congratulations :) n/t

[radwriter0555]

45. And to you as well! Let's hope the cheap weddings last the longest,

right?

[LadyoftheRabbits]

30. When I get married...

My reception could be BBQ and throwing a frisbee in a park with a bunch of friends for all I care :P

[Mz Pip]

31. Oh, hell no

My son's wedding cost 15k. It wasn't what he wanted but what the fiancee wanted. I had to plan it and execute the whole thing since they lived out of state. Tt was 6 months of stress and bride got all Bridezilla on us. We sort of thought her behavior was just some anomally do to wedding jitters. Boy were we wrong.

The wedding was lovely. The marriage lasted 11 months.

She decided she wanted "MORE". SHe got her fantasy wedding, but the reality of marriage just wasn't interesting enough.

I got married next to a lake at sunset. My mother-in-law made German chocolate cakes and we had a barbecue. THe marriage has lasted 31 years.

It isn't the wedding that counts. It's the commitment that does.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[u4ic]

33. I can understand wanting a big celebration

but, like the idea bigger the gift the more one is loved, I can't help but wonder if there is an underpinning of the more opulent the wedding, the more the couple are in love (I don't believe it, of course).

I worked with a woman about 10 years ago that took about 3 weeks to figure out what friggin' shade of nail polish she would wear. She would bring about a dozen of those damn magazines and every lunch break would want to hear everyone's opinions about her newest idea. I eventually got sick of the only conversation being her wedding and dined with other colleagues. She took it as a snub that I didn't care about her and her wedding and never talked to me again. :eyes:

I have never even looked at a bride's magazine. I never had the idea a wedding was all about me, and 'the dress'.

If I ever got married, I wouldn't need a grand affair...

[Hell Hath No Fury]

34. If I ever get married..

the wedding will be a simple affair, perhaps a beach party with a tikki theme. :)

I have never understood the 10,000s of dollars spent on weddings. I figure, save the big celebration for the 10 year anniversary, when you have actually accomplished success together as a couple.

[petronius]

35. If there's an open bar, I will attend! All the rest is mere noise... (nt)

[Broken_Hero]

39. nope, the simpler the better

my wife and I were married the traditional cherokee way...it was weird, but I didn't care...I didn't want to get married in a church either, so it all worked out. It was rather simple, no big hub bub....:)

[Lady Effingbroke]

40. no.

My idea of a dream wedding is to get hitched at the local courthouse, then across the street to jack-in-the-crack for the reception.

It ain't the gettin' married that worries me, it's the being married.

[Broken_Hero]

41. Ha, isn't that the truth?...:) nt

[NMMNG]

43. Huge waste of money

Why spend all of that money on a one-day event when it could go into your new home/furnishings and/or other expenses you'll have in the future?

[Skittles]

44. they are absolutely, completely disgusting

someone wanting such a vulgar display should be the first clue for their intended spouse

[buddhamama]

47. i wouldn't want one for myself...

[Midlodemocrat]

48. Those Bride and Groomzillas seem to forget the 'marriage' is the

important thing, not the 'wedding'.

My own wedding was pretty small by today's standards, we had about 100 people. As the only daughter, my parents felt that they had some social pay back to do, and I was fine with it. The only things that REALLY mattered to me were the dress ($495) and the flowers and the music at the church. Everything else, I left to my mom. And, it was wonderful. She had really good, classy taste.

Small. Elegant. Meaningful. I've yet to attend a wedding as nice as mine.

Oh, and the marriage is still humming along, too!

[MrsMatt]

49. I know a woman

whose parents spent an estimated $150,000 on her wedding (which equals about one months income for the family). The marriage lasted four months.

Money doesn't buy happines.

My wedding was small (150 people), the attendants were all family members (3 bridesmaids) and the reception was at the local Legion hall with a polka band that would also play "new style" music (aka rock). We had an open bar (courtesy of my in-laws - they put down $5,000 for the liquor, and whatever wasn't spent we got to keep). Everyone had a great time.

[seemunkee]

50. My BiL was married this weekend

60 people in the brides parents back yard. Small sit down dinner with mostly vegetarian/vegan food, my son was best man. It was very low key and wonderful. Slightly smaller than ours was but similar in spirit.
A wedding is just a day, a marriage is (hopefully) a lifetime.

[distantearlywarning]

51. We had a (relatively) low-key wedding

About 50 people. It was the week before Christmas, so the chapel was already decorated with evergreen wreaths and little white lights. We put no decorations in the chapel than were already there. I got my dress on Ebay and altered it myself. We had one attendant each, people who we had each been friends with for over 15 years. My attendant wore a dress she already owned and looked lovely. When she asked what I wanted her to wear, I said, "wear anything you want that is wine or burgundy colored and reasonably nice".

I ordered dozens of dark red roses from the internet wholesale along with a bundle of ivy. I got some elegant glass vases at Ikea for about $1.50 each. I bought floral wire and wired craft ribbon for bouquets and boutonniers at a fabric store with a coupon. All together, the flower stuff cost maybe a total $200 at most. My Mother-In-Law is a florist by trade and she made us lovely, simple, seasonal centerpieces and everything else floral related the morning of the wedding for free. Our unusual and striking invitations were ordered in pieces from the internet. We printed and assembled them ourselves, which cut down on the cost. One of our older guests later told me it was the most beautiful wedding invitation he had ever received.

We had a cocktail reception with passed hors d'ouvres and cake. The site was across the street, in a very old historic building with floor to ceiling windows that looked out on the chapel where we had been married. The open bar at the reception was one of our biggest expenditures, and worth it. Our other big expenditure was the photographer (we didn't know anyone who could do it as a favor or on the cheap, and we really wanted pictures afterwards). We hired a jazz guitarist to provide background music while our friends mingled and ate and talked. People had so much fun that many of them didn't want to leave when the reception hall kicked them out and they went across the street to another bar until almost 3 in the morning.

We didn't have favors, or tulle, or bouquet tossing, or an obnoxious DJ, or a limo, or any of the other crap that the wedding industrial complex says you have to have to be happy and a good person. Including a very decadent honeymoon in a Las Vegas Jacuzzi suite and all the rings, the entire thing cost about $8000, which is a steal these days. My parents kicked in about 3K, and we paid for the rest ourselves in cash, enabling us to start our married life without wedding debt.

The best part? A number of our friends told us afterwards that it was the best wedding they ever attended. The husband and I are coming up on 2 years this winter, and we are still as happy together as the day we got married. :-)

It was my dream wedding. Everything was perfect, and I have terrific memories of the whole day. I am glad now that we didn't have more money. I think having a huge expensive wedding would have put pressure on us to have everything be "perfect". I also think a lot of expensive stuff would have overshadowed the real meaning of the day: making a life-time commitment to the person I love in front of my friends and family. Probably the only thing I would have changed if we had to do it again with unlimited cash would be the dress part - finding a good dress online and having to alter it myself was quite stressful and time-consuming. I think it would have been worth it to spend a few more dollars to buy something off the rack in a dress store and have someone else deal with the alteration process. And I would have paid for the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests. That's it. Everything else I would do exactly the same way.

An Afterthought: I still watch the wedding shows sometimes, and I have noticed a pattern. The couples who have $100K to spend never seem quite as happy as the ones who do it themselves on the cheap. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but it really seems to be true. They always seem to have a less close relationship, more fighting, the bride is always about 10X more stressed out and "Bridezilla-ish", and the wedding never seems to come off as well. Maybe when you have less money, your expectations are lower, and that makes you happier with what you do have. When you are spending 100K on a wedding, you expect everything to be perfect so you find yourself constantly disappointed. I don't know. That's just my guess.

[tigereye]

52. no

simple and lowkey and fun! Like mine.

[tigereye]

53. I did say no above, but upon reflection -

I have to say that one of the other "most fun" weddings I attended had:

100s of people
amazing food
fancy clothes, flowers and a string quartet
a huge reception in a public building (courthouse?) in Minneapolis/St. Paul
fun in the hotel
a funk band
AND two garage/punk bands who were friends of the couple (who were not pretentious people by a long shot and big fans of Husker Du)
and recorded Velvets and other punk tunes, to boot.

It must have cost a fortune!(But they are still married!) ;)

[GRLMGC]

54. I wouldn't do it

Hell, with my luck, I'd end up getting divorced six months later after throwing it. To each his own, I guess.

[Book Lover]

55. Not to my taste, but ever since I started doing calligraphy on the side

I say spend big on those invites and placecards ;-)

[Redstone]

56. Opulent weddings are utterly revolting. To me, at least.

Redstone

[ncrainbowgrrl]

57. We did a "justice of the peace" deal.

Came home and went to dinner w/parents on both sides.